QueerClick

« Queer Candy - Butts | Main | Balla Powder »

Doc. Feel Takes Aim At The "Too Straight Guy."

See More » Doc. Feel

Hi Doc,

I've got a little situation that I'm hoping you can help me sort out. About 10 months ago I met a guy on the internet that we'll call Wilbur. He's 10 years older than me, (I'm 20, he's 30). Ever since we met, we talked all the time online and on the phone and then we finally met in person. At the time that we met, I was in a very deep depression and he was there for me in every sense of the word and after about 2 months of talking and hanging out, I was no longer depressed and feeling great.

We were definitely just friends, and he never made any kind of moves on me or insinuated anything, he had a boyfriend and he was very respectful of him as was I. He told me on numerous occasions that he would always be there for me if I needed him and made me feel like I finally had someone that I could rely on. Then over a period of time, we were talking less and less, I never hung out with him in person anymore, we barely ever talked on the phone anymore, and even chatting online was rare. Cut to a few days ago when he comes into my work to buy a Christmas present, he said hi and then just walked away. I found him and had some idle chat before he left, it was very awkward. I asked him why this was happening and he told me that he was getting too busy with work, which of course I don't buy.

So basically he's given me no reasonable excuse as to why he's pretty much dumped like a sack of potatoes. This has had such a negative effect on my self esteem and has made me feel more rejected than I ever have in my life. I know that I'm never gonna get a real reason from him, so I'm just left wondering. Any ideas?

Wondering Forever

Dear Wondering Forever,

Why over-analyze it? Wilbur was there for you when you needed someone and both of you knew nothing more was ever going to come of it. Some people enter our lives only for a short period. In your case it is 10 months. It could be Wilbur really is busy or he feels the connection you shared is no longer there. The age difference could leave one or the other feeling like there isn't much in common. This in no way is a reflection of you. It doesn't mean you're bad or not worthy of his friendship. Sometimes things are just what they are and I believe this is one of them. Take all the good that has come from being friends with him and use it to continue to catapult yourself further in socializing and being the happier person you have become. Never look for excuses to take you back to that dark place of depression. That was not a good place and you know that. Keep the light in and focus on making new friends and relationships. Putting all your eggs into one basket is never a wise choice. One slip and that whole basket could be destroyed. It's similar to building a house made of straw in a valley prone to forest fires. Wise choices, healthy thinking and making good friends will keep you on solid ground my friend. Just don't lose sight of your well being along the way.

Healthy Choices,
Doc. Feel

Make sure you check the column in case others have opinions to help you. =)

Doc Feel,

I'm a 34-year old Gay Male who came out in college, but has struggled with depression and self-esteem issues all my life. Thanks in part to a 125 pound weight loss a few years ago, I finally began having sex at the age of 32. While my self esteem has improved of late, I still spend a lot of time struggling with why I can't seem to become a happier person. While I know my newfound sexual exploration has brought me a
good deal of pleasure, there's something more fundamental about being a truly happy person. I've become very good friends with one of the tricks I met about 9 months ago, and about 3 months ago realized I was in love with him. We've talked about it, and he's not yet at the same place, but has admitted that I have gotten closer to his heart than anyone else. I want to have the patience to see where this plays out, but spend way too much time over-analyzing every conversation, email, and unspoken glance determined to make the worst of it, and put myself through a lot of needless anguish and torment in the process..

So the trick seems to be becoming truly happy as myself so that I don't have to fret so much about finding love or sex or food to make me think I'm happy, when really that's just a temporary satisfaction...

And there's the problem...how do I put my own happiness first and stop wasting a lot of time and mental energy convincing myself that my life is not happy?

Desperately Seeking Happiness

Dear Desperately Seeking Happiness,

I find it really interesting that you still refer to him as a “trick” when you say you have fallen for him and become very close. I have always thought of a trick as a one night stand with no connection but wham, bam thank you sir may I have another.

This line disturbs me: “I don't have to fret so much about finding love or sex or food to make me think. I'm happy, when really that's just a temporary satisfaction…”

Love should not fit into that category. Love isn’t an addiction or crutch such as food or sex. If you view love in that fashion, you have some serious messed up notions of what love is. Love is not a temporary fix. Love is forever. Some fall out of love, but never fall in love as a temporary fix and it always leaves a lasting impression.

I agree you seem to be over analyzing everything instead of allowing yourself to enjoy what is. If it is meant to be it will be. You torturing yourself by examining every detail isn’t going to speed it up, but only end up causing unwarranted drama. A person is never truly happy until they appreciate who they are as an individual. You should never allow your feelings of happiness, joy and contentment to revolve around another person. That alone is you giving control of your life over to the hands of another. Find happiness and appreciation within yourself and everything else will fall into place.

Do things and involve yourself in things you enjoy and are good at. Build on your self esteem and reinforce that inner you. A trick I learned way back in undergraduate school is journaling. Set aside some “you time” at the end of each day and journal your daily giving’s and misgivings. Make two columns, one column is titled, “What I did today that makes me proud.” The other is titled, “What I didn’t like that I did today and solutions to not make the same mistake(s).” This gives you the chance to take inventory in your life and help the inner you with healing and growing.

Good Luck On Your Journey,
Doc. Feel

Hello Doc,

I've just turned 21 and classes in college start in a month. Recently I've came out to a few friends, and they've been extremely supporting, always by my side. They've tried hooking me up with a few gay friends of theirs, but it didn't work quite well with any of them.

I am a complete "average Joe". If I was to ask you the way to some place on the street, you'd think "that's the straightest guy I've met". And yet, I'm very anxious to start dating men. These guys who I've been introduced to are nice people, but they don't think I'm "gay enough". Most of them were my age and all they cared about was if I saw some nude dude over this or that site, and what did i think about someone's haircut!

So, I don't want to change who I am, but I'd really like to make myself more attractive to other gay men, specially men like me. Simple, funny, "on-their-own" men. How can two "straight" gay guys find each other on the crowd?

Than-Q,
John Micle

Dear “Mr. Too Straight”,

First, I suggest you get over yourself. I mean are you serious? You think I would honestly say, “There goes the straightest guy I have ever met?” Think again young buck, you are scraping your antlers on the wrong tree. Your entire letter was a contradiction of terms. “Average Joe, Straightest Man Alive, Simple, Funny, Own Their Own”… Get with the program, it is obvious you don’t know who the heck you are. Which at 21 is the norm my young eager horn dog. Secondly, there isn’t a gay litmus test or gay-o-meter for measuring the gayness of a person. There are all types of Mo’s out there and it is your job as a horny-young Mo to venture out among them, mingle, fuck your self wild (safely of course), date, and enjoy the journey to meeting all the fellow gay men of the world. If you are looking for a carbon copy of yourself then I suggest you get a huge mirror and learn the art of autofellatio. If you want to make yourself more “attractive” and “obtainable” by other Mo’s, try going to a gay bar/club, joining a gym, gay social groups or placing an ad. Trust me young man, once word hits the streets that there is young “fresh meat” on the beat the Mo’s will be climbing out of the woodwork. P.S. In the future if you call yourself a “Straight-Gay guy” realize some random Mo will bitch slap you into reality. If you suck cock, you aren’t straight, wake up Mary New Shoes. In all seriousness John, just make yourself more available, stop stereotyping yourself and others and things will take off like a Sean Cody model 30 seconds into a jack off video.

Happy New Year,
Doc. Feel

Email Doc. Feel: DocFeelQC [@] gmail.com

Doc. Feel is a psychotherapist who has worked in the gay community for the last 12 years. He is currently co-authoring a book focusing on Domestic Violence within the GLBT community.

Written 30.Dec.05 / Comments (2) / TrackBacks (0)