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Doc. Feel - Football Bloke, Regret, Dazed & Confused

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Dear Dr. Feel
Hope you are well, thank you ever so much for helping zillions of people all around the world with your perfect insight and awesome advice. Please (on your own time) answer me just one question: based on the short description below, can he be gay/bi/curious or otherwise?

I have a huge 'hidden' crush on my housemate since he moved in almost two years ago. He's a 5.6 young professional football player whom I would describe as being 300% str8 as for his interests seem to be only sports, beers, m8s and ... yes ... women. He doesn't have a gf, and he doesn't plan on having one due to his hectic lifestyle, I suppose. He only has short term rels or nsa-str8- sex, and mind you, all his girls are simply stunning!!! I suspect that he knows how much I feel for him, as he always gets the best of me, at any single bloody time...even though whether it's due to a professional tour or short breaks hols, he's never around much.

He knows I'm bisexual, and he's been OK with that since the beginning. Whether he senses I 'shiver' every time I see him walking around the house only in his boxers shorts, or when I catch him stretching himself out, posing that big, huge, strong and long lasting boner... I simply don't know.

I'm so sorry, dear Dr. Feel, I seem to have diverted the plot, so, here I am (almost faintly) back to my question:

Would a fully straight manly and gorgeous bloke, go out on with a flamboyant gay guy he met at work, to a rough gay venue (where all the men have their tops off), even though the excuse has been... 'now was planned, too much to drink, nowhere else was open to go to' ...kinda like... specially when I'm here 'always and anytime' for him?

Thank you so much.

Dear Bloke,

You know the answer. He isn’t gay, you are in lust and pulling the age-old sin of hoping that if you WANT him enough or LOVE him enough he’ll turn gay for you. Setting yourself up for heartache my friend.

Doc.

Dear Doc Feel,
Firstly, I would like to express my gratitude to what you do. As many have said before, this may be their only "release valve" of their problems.

So, I've known or accepted over time, that there could be a big chance I could be gay, I didn't want to try to find out, maybe because I was afraid of what I would actually find, or maybe I was afraid of the consequences, I don't really know...I tried a relationship with a girl, but I didn't find it interesting, and obviously, was afraid of moving forward and actually getting to the sex part, because, if I was really gay, then I wouldn't be the only one to notice it. I've accepted that being gay is probably the only way I will ever be truly happy, and even with that on the board, I still don't know what to do... should I come out? shouldn't I?

The thing that pushed me remarkably closer to the edge happened not long ago. I was sitting for an international English test (Cambridge fce). The first day of the exam, I arrived somewhat late to the examination room, so obviously, everyone noticed me, but I immediately noticed a couple of eyes piercing me. An incredibly beautiful boy was looking at me, and not only when I came in, but also the rest of the several hours the test lasted. I'm terrible at eye-play (yeah... whatever it is called) so I didn't know what to do. That night something happened to me that hadn't happened before, I was happy and excited, and was looking forward to the following day.

And it happened again, the whole second part of the test we spent looking at each other (in turns though) and only once our eyes met, and he smiled when that happened. I couldn't believe it, it was the chance of my life. Of course, I didn't do anything, I was too afraid of what might happen, and besides, I took the test with two friends. It's been a week and I haven't seen him since then. It just kills me that I blew that incredible chance, maybe the one chance, because of being afraid... What should I do??? I'm sorry for the length of the letter, but I just had to let it out, I'm incredibly sorry for the trouble and the selfishness this means...

Mau

Dear Mau,
Find out who he is and get in contact with him. What have you got to lose by inviting him to dinner or a movie? You are already regretting not asking him out, so why spend your life wondering what could have been when you could just find out.

Hopeful For You,
Doc.

Dear Doc,
I’m hoping to get your opinion on something. My friends and I whom I’ve told this to came to the same conclusion. And I’m curious to see what you have to say about this.

Two months ago, this guy I’ve been dating for the past six months broke-up with me. Unfortunately, I fell in love with him, and thus had a harder dealing with it. I did the usual crying and reasoning, but bottom line: he wasn’t feeling it (don’t ask me what “it” is, since he didn’t/couldn’t/wouldn’t tell me), but wanted everything between us to remain the same, minus the dating and the sex. I was thorn between wanting to have him close to me, and not having in my life at all. I decided to take some time and recover first before making any kind of decision.

This was a month before Thanksgiving, and during that time, he left voice messages and sent emails every few days. The messages and emails were always the same: asking how I was doing, and him going on about what he’s been up to.

After a few of those and me not responding to any of them, he dropped by my place unexpectedly with a cutting board I’ve been looking to buy and a few grocery items I generally have him pick up whenever he’s grocery shopping. As sweet and nice as a person he is, I still thought it was a strange gesture. He said he knew these were the things I wanted, and he just decided to get them for me. I asked him if he gets things for all his friends just because they mentioned wanting them, and he said “no.” Personally, I felt he was just trying to do something to appease whatever guilt he may have for the break-up. The following week, he invited me to spend Thanksgiving with him and his family, none of whom I’ve ever met. Me being the love struck fool that I was, accepted the invite and a nice time was had by all.

The Sunday after Thanksgiving however, everything got shot to hell. We went to see a movie and after that, we got into a huge argument in his car that lasted 30 to 45 minutes (the first real big argument we’ve ever had), and ended with me slamming his car door in his face. I sent an apology email the next day, but his reply was curt, and said he’ll be taking some time off from me, because my behavior the night before was unacceptable, and equated the length of the argument to me holding him against his will.

I figured that was just the kick I needed to really start getting over him and the relationship. However, a few hours later, I got another email, this time thanking me for the thank you card I sent to him for inviting me to Thanksgiving. In it, he mentioned something about making soup from the Thanksgiving leftovers and he hopes we can get together to have some together over a DVD in the future. Less than a week later, I got an invite to his holiday party. And two days after that, I got a thank you card from him, this time for the gifts I brought over for inviting me to Thanksgiving, and in it, he hopes we “can talk more and have fun together.”

The conclusion is that he’s just an insensitive jerk with no regards to my feelings, who basically wants his cake and eat it too. Either that, or he’s just somehow not in touch with his feelings. This might or might not be an indicator of his behavior, but he’s 47 and the longest relationship he ever had lasted one year. Well, not even, since he said it should have ended months before. Yes, I know it’s a big red flag right there, but I chose to ignore it because I liked him. If I could have turned off my feelings for him, I wouldn’t be in this pickle right now, but try as I might, I can’t control who I like (and unfortunately, love).

Am I wrong in thinking this? Am I overanalyzing the whole situation? Is it the norm to break-up with someone and still continue doing nice things for him? I’m 32, and my last relationship (3 years ago) lasted six years, so I don’t think it’s a case of trying to snag the first guy that showed me any interest.

Any insight would be appreciated.
Confused

Dear Confused,
Reading the mind and actions of another is not an easy thing for most humans. I suggest instead of concentrating on his “behavior(s)” that you focus on what is best for you. How do you feel? What have you concluded about the “red flags” and “behaviors?’ Why is it hard for you to let go and accept that people do not HAVE to give a reason to end a dating relationship? It isn’t a legal requirement. People are allowed to decide that a relationship with another is something they just do not wish to pursue without explanation. Is it the right thing to do? Depends who you ask. Does it leave many questions? Absolutely!

Read your letter to me a couple times and recognize that within your own writing you have expressed that this relationship was not stable and that this man does not know what he wants and leaves confusion in his wake. That does not appear to be something you are comfortable with and you DO NOT have to remain friends with him or have any type of relationship. Life is too short to allow others to confuse our hearts and leave us dazed. Move on and one day maybe he’ll become aware and decisive.

All The Best,
Doc.

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Written 14.Dec.06 / Comments (0) / TrackBacks (0)