Ask QC: Should I Follow My Boyfriend To The Big City?
Dear QC,
8 months ago, I hooked up with an old friend of mine from high school (I am now in my late 20s). We started dating, fell in love, and decided to be in a relationship. As we now live in different countries, we have been sustaining a long-distance relationship by visiting each other as much as we can. The problem lies with our future plans.
I live in a small city with my family. He plans to come over to my country as a student so that he can pursue further education while being with me (My country does not allow for any kind of gay union, so the only way he can remain here is by me sponsoring him after living together while he studies). The strange thing is that he is adamant in moving to the capital city. While it is true that there is a better school for him to study, I am simply not financially able to survive there (I am a freelance artist, and have carved a niche in what I do where I live).
I have tried my best to explain this point to him, but he does not believe it would be as impractical as I think it is. I have suggested that he come to my city, where he can also study and take advantage of the fact that my family can help us to settle. However, it appears the attraction of the capital is hard to resist. He now accuses me of being afraid of change and being too comfortable with living with my family.
My other worry is that I do not think it is realistic to begin a relationship with someone in a new expensive city. I also explained to him how it doesn't really make sense for both of us to have to move just to be together. It's like asking me to move from New Mexico to New York to live with my new European boyfriend. It just doesn't make sense (to me at least), which is why I find myself questioning his motive.
Is he moving to my country to be with me or to live the fast-paced life in the city of his choice? After expressing my reluctance to his plan, he accused me of taking his dream away from him. He then said, "I'll move there first. When you're ready, you can come and join me". What should I do? There are so many issues to consider; I don't know what's right from what's sensible.
Sincerely, Small City Boy
What do you think, QC? Should Small City Boy follow his boyfriend to the big city or stay put? What are the consequence and ways he could make his relationship work in both cases? Please feel free to share your own experiences and advice to help him in the comments section.
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Reader Comments
Your 2¢, in chronological order — add your comment below.
It's obvious that at least you think he has ulterior motives, otherwise why would you be suspicious in the first place? Isn't it always better to go with your first, gut instinct than to later be proven wrong by it? I'm sure it's not a difficult position, but if you have the communicable relationship that you think you do with this man, you should be able to talk about these plans rationally and objectively. Outright dismissal of your reluctance to move to a big, new city because of your familial comfort is immature at best, malevolence at worst.
Dear SCB,
If you don't want to move then it is the last thing you should do. You will be unhappy and the relationship will be doomed from the start.
That said. It is not impracticable for you to meet this guy halfway. It sounds as if he's moving a great distance, and small towns are definitely more frightening in my experience than large cities.
Education is important and it also sounds like this guy can get a better education in the larger city. Can you not comprimise? Would it not be possible for you to move to the larger city while he finishes his education, then consider moving back to your small town? Keep in mind however if that is the decision you make you need to make of your own free will and not expect this guy to move back with you, he may or may not. If you put that expectation on the relationship then it will have to much weight to thrive and may not survive at all.
I wish you the best of luck in your decision, I too had to make a similar one in my early twenties. I'm older now and single :-)
this is the battle of selfishness, in one side he's coming to ur country so u can be together and for him to be able to study while u are scared of leaving ur family (sunshine u r almost 30 YEARS OLD, leaving the nest is not such a bad idea...) to persecute an independent ADULT life i think ur kind of delaying. And in the other side he is not able to understand that it is a really possibillty that u can't support urself there, (again the leaving the nest issue), and he is not willing to bend....for anything less than the big city. So just leave him to pursue his desire for the city, it's obvious is not ur money what he wants as ur kind of broke.... And u can stay at mom and dad's.(keep the bed dry ;) )
How is someone you went to high school with not allowed to live in the same country as you? I'm just not understanding that point. But as to your question, I agree with the above poster go with your gut instinct. It seems he's just interested in city life more than you.
You're still living with your family: It sounds like you're comfortable lying in your safety net.
Four questions you might want to ask yourself:
1. Is the capitol city too far away to risk a move?
2. Will your family not let you move back if things fail?
3. Do you have so many opportunities in your small town for love that moving is too much of a bother?
4. Are you certain you will be miserable in the city, or just scared? Man-up little boy.
If your boyfriend has better educational opportunities in the capitol city, he should go there. He should get the BEST education possible. If you don't follow and you lose him, you have nobody to blame but yourself.
In the words of the wise singer Ben Lee: "Gamble everything for love."
Final thought: It sounds like you're more worried about money than willing to trust in love.
An eight-month-long international relationship is love? No, it's infatuation. You haven't spent enough time together for it to be everlasting love.
You are quite possibly being taken for a sucker and your gut is postitively SCREAMING at you to do things YOUR way in order to protect you from that possibility.
At the very least, you seem to be responsible and mature, while your friend most certainly is not. Don't let him drag you down to that level: Your way makes sense, his does not, and no amount of crying and passing the blame onto you can change that.
Your boyfriend is coming over for two reasons.
1. To be with you.
2. To persue his education.
You yourself admit that the education he will recieve will be better in the big city, yet you accuse him of choosing the big city life over you.
He is sacraficing time, money and friends to move to another country, and now you want him to sacrifice a better education?
What more do you want from him?
What are giving up? What risks are you taking? All I see is you can sponser him and you AND your parents can help you settle.
I for one am too independant to want to be beholden to my friends, let alone their parents. I also find small cities to closed minded and concervative for my taste. He may feel the same way. He is coming for you ... not your parents.
A relationship involves making compromises on BOTH parts ... I don't see where you are making any compromises at all.
Honey, I'm gonna tell you like Maya told Oprah. When a man tells you something believe him girl. He wants to live the city life!
"I'll move there first. When you're ready, you can come and join me".
He's already decided what he wants to do, what more do you need, lightning to strike you. There's nothing for you to do, just accept the enevitable and make the best of it. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. But you trying to clip his wings and forcing him to live your life is deluded. And who knows, he may end up enjoying the small town life, but you can't force it on him.