QueerClick

This is an extremely tricky issue. I think it's essential that Sean do *something* so that this situation does not replicate itself with the two boys. Kids are savvy these days: maybe he should say something to the kids themselves: 'Don't hang out with John too much--he's not a good person.'

On the other hand I think Sean should be congratulated for his brutal honesty in saying that he enjoyed and welcomed some sexual contact with John when he was in his early teens. It's important to remember that our sexual desires don't suddenly snap into being when we come of age (like the more pious sections of the media wd have us believe) and to bear in mind that adolescents need to be protected from adults' sexual advances not because they're innocent, but because they are so full of hormones and horniness that they are easily exploitable by a predatory adult. I thought about sex with men non-stop from the age of twelve, but I'm glad I waited until I was 17 before I did anything with another guy.

I wish you had given your present age and a little history of the trust between you and Dad and Stepmom.
Lacking that, I would suggest you speak first to the boys, then to the parents.
If you are an adult, your responsibility to stop the rape trumps your desire to be popular with the parents.

But good luck --- and see what other advice gets posted.

Oh Sean... I'm sorry to hear about that. I have to admit that I was also sexually abused at a very young age. I realise that you are concerned about your father's reaction if you tell him the truth, but you have to remember that you have the opportunity to prevent this guy from doing to others what he did to you.

Lying to your father to get him to change the plans doesn't mean he will. If he does, you have to keep doing that forever. If he doesn't, you have to tell the truth. And if you tell the truth after lying, then what are the odds you will be believed.

The question you have asked above is "is it worth trying if I might fail?"

My question is "would you be able to forgive yourself if you don't try, and your brothers are hurt?"

Hi Sean

This is certainly not a situation I'd like to be in. I work with men who have sexually abused young people, and my experience as well as those of others who treat such people is that they tend to reoffend.

In my estimation, your step-brothers are not safe.

As adults, I think we always have a responsibility to protect young people. It is one thing for you to keep the abuse that happened to you from your family if it seems to harm no-one else, it is another to do so if others may be harmed.

I don't think it will be easy, but I think it is necessary for you to let your father know what happened, and let him make the decision. You need to work out how this can be managed with the least damage to the relationship you have with your father, and it may be that you need professional help to have the discussion.

I wish you well.

Col

Wow, this is quite a situation.

If you tell your father, he may not believe you because, as you said, you don't have a good relationship with him after you came out. But if you do, then even if he disagrees with you, there will be that thought in the back of his head.

What I suggest is to take your step brother and have a talk with him. Don't disclose anything about his sexuality as you said that you think he is gay.

If you talk to your step-mom, you run the risk of 1.) you father finding out. 2.) She not believing you.

My advice is this. If your parents don't believe you, then your options are limited. Either you talk to the boys (both of them) about Uncle John, or you approach Uncle John yourself. Tell him that you know what happened in the past and you know it was rape. The guilt and such. Tell him you won't allow the other boys to go through it. If the parents aren't willing to protect their children, then you protect them the way you can.

I'm speaking on this from personal experience. I've been raped before. Twice. I didn't tell my mom about it until I was 18 and that was 3 years after the fact. She blamed it on me and not on the person who raped me.

Sean,

We must first commend you on having the strength to even broach this situation. So many people endure abuse and as a means of "coping", never acknowledge it to themselves, let alone consider addressing it as a means of helping others. I'm unsure as to whether you have addressed the abuse in a therapeutic setting; in the least, it is my hope that you have friends that you can discuss this with. Such support will be essential, especially if you decide to discuss it with your father and he opts for the denial response. Even if your father receives this information well and believes it happened, you may need an intact support system, as your disclosure may unearth a great deal of trauma. If you do not have a therapeutic/social support system, consider seeing a therapist or even a survivors or gay support group.
I do believe that you should tell your father. Hopefully, he will be supportive and not reject this horrific part of your development. Bear in mind that many parents blame themselves, even in cases where they say they don't believe that the abuse occurred. In the best case, your disclosure could not only serve to protect your step-brothers, it could also provide an opportunity for a more intimate/connected dialogue between you and your father. If worse comes to worse, I would suggest you share your story with your stepmother. In our society, women often times have a greater sensitivity to issues of abuse and more oftent than not, will do anything to protect their children from sexual abuse. Good luck and God bless.

Tell your dad the whole truth from start to finish , dont leave anything out,,you may strain or end the relationship between your father and john but you will spare an innocent child the possible danger of an unwelcome predator who has struck an unknown number of young men such as yourself,,the truth will always be the best way, and have trust in the Lord to make the best of what already is a bad scene

As a victim of similar abuse myself, I have to agree with with both Bob & Jules's comments. You need to make this rape known to your father and stepmother immediately. The boys also need to be clued in, not with all the grisly details, but with the knowledge that this John has a likelihood of doing this again.

Also, you need to do something for yourself. Since this will rehash memories and will likely cause some issues for you, you should contact a therapist in your area, or you can also contact a group called RAINN (Rape, Abuse, and Incenst National Network) at http://www.rainn.org. You can also contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE for assistance. They may also be able to help you with a good solution to this current issue you are wrestling with.

I hope everything works out well for you and the boys.

For the sake of the boys, you have to tell someone. Tell the boys' mom and your dad together and don't make a big dramatic deal out of it. Tell them that they now have the information and you hope they make the right decision for their sons. Write in detail what happened and hand them a letter so they can read about it at their leisure. Be very clinical and try to state time of day and dates, if you remember.

Tell someone. It's not just all about you anymore.

Sean, I'm very sorry you went through this. And I know that you don't want anything to happen to your younger brothers.

In an effort to tackle this from all fronts, I would ask your dad not to take the boys along. I would ask that he make sure they're never left alone with his friend if he insists. If he's still reluctant, then you can tell him what you need to.

At the same time, I would make the boys aware that you do not care for him, and only go into enough detail as you feel comfortable. I don't know how close you are to them, but if the three of you have a good relationship they probably look up to you and will take your advice. I would not go into too much detail, because scaring them is not going to do any good. But make it clear that this guy is not to be trusted, and not be alone with him.

As for confronting this guy, it'll take a lot of strength, which from your letter above you clearly possess. I am not sure what advice to give you, but I would speak to him last, after you've spoken to your dad and your brothers.

Even if you and your father have had a rocky relationship since you came out, you are still his son. If he is that upset, and doesn't want to believe it, then make sure you raise a big enough fuss that the question is there, and hopefully your stepmother will refuse permission for the boys to go camping.

Anything you do to help prevent something from happening to your brothers will be worth it. It might not feel like it from where you're standing, but it will be!

Good luck!

I concur with MF:

I was also molested as a child for a number of years by uncle Teddy, my mothers best friend. I knew him my whole life, he really was my uncle to me. I also remember being very curious about an adult males body (I was 8), and Teddy made me think it was what *I* wanted our "special time." Simply another tool in the box of a predator. I felt so guilty for so long, and so much self hatred, as I began to realize I was gay... It took me years to realize that no matter what, at age 8, even if I was some kind of vixen, he should NOT have done this. I wasn't even old enough to have an erection, let alone feel any pleasure from this, and I didn't initiate it either!

The most important thing is that you have a responsibility to those children. You know the man is a criminal who preys upon youth. No matter what the drama, it's time to speak up.

I suggest you also locate a good Psychologist with a doctorate, and interview them about the process you are about to embark upon. Look for experience in dealing with sexual abuse and family counseling. Find out if he's willing or thinks it wise for him to actively participate. You should certainly consider retaining one you select for counseling during and after this mess.

I really feel for you. I really do. Please do the right thing, and realize you aren't alone. This will be hard, but it is endurable.

tough. DON'T talk to the boys on your own. it's not your place & will only cause bigger probs. you'll scare them too much.

would the rape had happened without your seemingly innocent flirtations?

do you have gay-friendly siblings and/or aunts & uncles?

maybe call uncle john and put fear in him - tell him people will be watching ... ???

p.s. not all west texas uncles are bad.

Plain and simple you HAVE to tell your dad or better yet tell the police because you will feel 10 times worse if something happens to your brothers and you didnt do anything to somehow prevent it.

Plain and simple you HAVE to tell your dad or better yet tell the police because you will feel 10 times worse if something happens to your brothers and you didnt do anything to somehow prevent it.

Without showing your anger, tell your Dad. He will listen to his son that has been hurt. And be a lot more understanding about why your mad after you tell him. If you get emotional while you're telling him, that's good. If you're Dad doesn't want to believe you, then let the whole world know how mad you are. But in your case, I hope your Dad is there for you, soo many years later. I hope it goes better for you than worse. But you should go to your DAD!

Sean, it is really unfortunate that things had to go that way, it hasn't happened to me, but very similar things have happened to members of my family. But it is absolutely necessary that you tell your father what happened, and how despite being gay, you did not want it to happen on the level that it did. I believe your father, regardless of your sexuality will overcome the fact of what has happened, and see that this is not a "you" issue, it's you're "uncle's" issue. You will feel even worse is something does happen to them, absolutely go see your father, or even the police. But on no level, take the law into your own hands.

Best of luck, and forget scumbags
-Jack

Tell Dad, "Uncle John and I had sex at the ranch, often. I was excited by it at first, but Uncle John eventually took it too far." I wouldn't use accusatory language like "rape," you're already trying to convey a message your Dad will NOT want to listen to.

Will that destroy your relationship with your Dad or that of your Dad and Uncle John? Yup. Guess that's just the price you'll have to pay to ensure the boys' safety.

If it's not too painful, I suggest you level directly with uncle John. Let him know that his actions 15 years ago had a lasting impact... for all you know he may think you look back on those times fondly. Assure him that you don't and tell him point blank that it is not o.k. for him to get sexual with your stepbrothers or anybody under the age of majority for that matter. If he's not receptive then you can resort to threats of exposure and whatnot. If you can keep everyone else out of it until you've had a chance to discuss everything with John. The past you two share is a painful memory for you, and you feel that you were sexually coerced and violated, He may have rationalized his behavior differently and may not even know that his role in any sexual relations between the two of you was in fact emotionally damaging for you.
It's a hard situation that I would not wish on my worst enemy, but, I think if you direct your anxiety directly at the source you stand a better chance of a) getting your desired result, and b) maybe getting some closure on what went down between you two 15 years ago.
Bon courage mon ami.

FOLLOWUP--

As I re-read your question, I think you are about 30.

The advice to go first to John was VERY VERY POOR --- you would give him the chance to convince everyone you are just a crazy fag before you get a chance to speak.

I SUGGEST YOU SIMPLY PRINT THE QUESTION AND MAIL IT TO YOUR DAD--

Those 2 boys are old enough to hear from you "John and I played around until it got ugly and he forced me to do sexual things that hurt me and I did not want to do." -- of course, if the parents are Crazy Faux Christians, you will be fried, but the boys come first.

Later, you can mail it to John if you want-- maybe he will see that he convinced himself your protests were sexual playing, or maybe he is a total jerk.

I hope everybody who does NOT want to get fucked will realize that horny, pushy men often do not take no for an answer.
You were too young to know that you were playing with fire -- but you can help others now.
(PS _any asshole who reads this as saying "the victim asked for it" is out of control)

I can understand the predicament you are in. I went through a similar ordeal except it wasn't from my father's friend, but rather my father's father. It started when I was in 3rd grade and lasted for about two years until my family moved. I didn't bring up the courage to even tell my parents until I was in high school. I was scared that I would risk losing everything because of it Unfortunately for me, my parents never believed me and still don't to this day. They still brush off the situation saying that even if it did happen, I most likely brought it upon myself. My biggest fear came true...that no one would believe me, even though I knew it deep to my bones that it happened. I went through a phase of doubting myself, believing that I may have just made it up for attention. However, I couldn't make up the pain and sadness that I felt because of it. I just knew it was real. Because I was able to accept it, and accept the possibility that no one will believe me, I got better. Even better, I got to help other people because I was willing to lose everything by telling the truth.

This is what I'm really trying to say: Even though you run the risk of being left with nothing, is it worth the risk of your brothers, not to tell the truth? Sure they might not believe you, and very well may believe that you are just making it up. But, you know it's true and know that you can't allow it to happen to your brothers, and that is all that should matter. Our time has come and gone, trying to save ourselves from a pain that may never go away, now it's time to help save others at the cost of it. Just think of it as getting back those years that were taken away by giving your brothers theirs.

From one Shaun to another

I say go right to the source. Contact the "uncle" directly. It may help one two levels. First it might be good for you to confront your molester. Now that you're an adult and not under his "power" you can tell him how you feel and how what he did affected your life. Secondly you can warn him of the consequences of even attempting to do the same with your stepbrothers. Maybe just the fear of him being exposed to your Dad would be enough to keep him in line or at maybe he'd even call the whole visit off.

I'm not sure of the relationship you have with your Dad but for your stepbrothers sake I think he should know what happened to you. Maybe even tell him like you told us. That at first you were okay with the affection. That for the first time it made you feel "normal." Like the feelings you were having were okay. But that when your uncle took advantage of that, you were made to do things you didn't want to do. Things that were not okay with you. I think you at least owe it to your step brothers to watch out for them. Don't you wish you had someone there watching out for you when this was happening? Now's your chance to be that person for them.

Hope some of this helps. Good luck.

I think your dad is having an affair with nasty uncle John.

Okay, you didn't ask for, or enjoy getting fucked. And Uncle John forced himself into you. But own up! You admit you lusted for him, you admit you helped your sexual relationship happen, and you admit you continued to let him fuck you because you still lusted for him, even though he was a selfish, aggressive, and inexperienced fucker and you an inexperienced fuckee. I don't see this as molestation, like the others here do. I see it as continuation of the Victorian mentality that intergenerational sex is bad, and teen sex is bad (although teens and pre-teens have sex at ungodly young ages quite often it seems). Consider how you would feel about this if you had lived in a society (like ancient Greece or Rome perhaps) where your parents would arrange for a man like Uncle John to teach you about sex, to build your sexual self-confidence in the world. Your shame is unnecessary, and society-bound, not only intrinsic to the act. The negativity you and others feel towards Uncle John here is way overblown I think - a typical American sexually-repressed attitude (surprising and ironic among this gay crowd). If you lived in a society where you could talk to your parents or your peers about how your relationship (which it was, an adult sexual relationship) with Uncle John was going sour, then you would have had the common sense sooner that it wasn't what you wanted, and to dump Uncle John's aggressive ass the first time he tried to fuck you without your consent. Remember, in early America people as young as fourteen got married, had kids, and worked the land as pioneers. Many of those early young wives were often fucked without their consent - society said it was a good thing! So get over it already! You gotta realize you're just living in a very sexually repressed society, which makes us mentally mature into adults by 10 years old, but forces us to sexually remain children until 18 or 21 or marriage or whatever - unhealthy. You're also assuming that your siblings are as sexually aggressive as you were and that Uncle John wasn't only just attracted to you. The situation you had may have been a one time thing (but it's good to be cautious now anyway). Had you said, "Uncle John forced and manipulated me into oral sex when I was prepubescent", I would have agreed with the molestation accusation. But because you were quite post-pubescent, and eager and savvy enough to give oral sex, I'd say you were plenty old enough to make this a non-molestation issue and more a bad-relationship/fucked-up-society issue despite being a teen still (yes, I think the age-limits in the law are arbitrary, and the law is wrong). Probably too late to educate your parents; but not too late to educate your siblings somehow (your ignorant parents won't like you teaching them anything about sex, be forewarned). Help them grow up, learn some street sense on how to fend off unwanted sexual advances from their peers or older adults, and how to get help if they really need it. And like a previous poster said, you're plenty old enough (and hopefully emotionally mature enough now) to confront Uncle John, let him know you're pissed about what he did, and warn him that you won't let it happen again. And you can help build a society that is more open about teaching good, healthy sex to sexually active youth, and preventing true predators from molesting innocent children. That's what you can do.

Dear Queerclick,

Thank you for posting my email. It was hard enough to send an email asking for advice, let alone to read these responses. I thought years of therapy had helped put this behind me and that I had moved past these events of my life but a flood of emotions rushed back upon reading the comments, more so than I had expected. Fortunately, I think I'm in a better place now than I've ever been.

I went to Austin to visit my father over the weekend and it has taken me a few days to process what happened. I thought I owed it to you and your readers to update you on my predicament.

When I stopped by my father's place, I casually brought up the fact that I heard they were going to visit Uncle John. I had never bothered to mention his name again in front of my father and finally found out money was the reason behind the fallout; however, Uncle John had finally made amends and as a truce offered to invite the family to his ranch for the summer.

Without going into much detail, I tried to tell my father I didn't think it was a good idea and that I didn't trust Uncle John. My father thought nothing of it. He told me that John had admitted he had made many mistakes and that he had changed and my father wanted to believe him.

Trying to dance around the subject wasn't working so I blurted out with the truth. I rambled on. I told him how Uncle John and I used to fuck the summer before we stopped going to the ranch, how it started off with me just sucking cock and how Uncle John started forcing me to have sex with him, and how Uncle John used to threaten to tell him about my seduction. I told him everything in the span of a few minutes.

My dad was silent and when he spoke, he asked me to leave. I felt completely crushed. I drove over 2 hours to talk to him for 5 minutes and I had not gotten through to him. I don't know why I expected much else.

I got up and left him with some parting words. I asked him how it was rather coincidental that Uncle John came back into the picture right when the boys were the same age as I was when I started going to the ranch. I begged him to change his mind for the sake of the boys' safety.

With that, I left. I'm not sure if this will change anything but it was an enormous relief to have that off my chest. My father finally knows and my world didn't fall apart.

On the drive back, I started thinking about all the things that happened.

It's funny because my thought process was very much like 'censored in America'. For years, even while I was in therapy, I thought all the events that unfolded were my fault. I placed no blame on Uncle John. I thought I was mature enough and knowledgeable in what I wanted and what I was doing that the events that unfolded were due to my actions. Little did I come to realize that I was just a puppet and manipulated along the way -- too young to understand and unprepared with the games adult people play.

I think as teenagers we think we know more than we truly do. When our parents try to advise us, we often respond with "I know! I know!" when in truth, especially from my own experiences, we do not know anything. We mimic adult actions, but I don't think we fully understand the repercussions that may occur from those actions, nor are we fully prepared, mentally.

I will admit, giving Uncle John head was a drug for me. I totally got a high off of it. I loved that feeling of anticipation, waiting for us to be alone together, hearing him moan in pleasure, telling me he loved me, having his hard cock inside my mouth and feeling his beautiful body convulse as his warm cum shot into the back of my throat. I thought I was in love and the funny thing was Uncle John played me on that, although we never kissed as lovers tend to do.

I still remember the night when things went from a "consensual" relationship (consensual clearly being subjective when a teenager and an adult is involved) to being non-consensual.
Uncle John came into my room, completely naked and already rock hard. I remember glancing at the clock out of habit and noted it was well past 2AM. I didn't mind. He usually came around this time if a meeting during the day wasn't possible, and that day it hadn't.

I immediately got on my knees and started going down on him. I had the stiffest erection when I was servicing him, the kind where it was so hard that it hurt if you tried to tug down on it. Well, after a few minutes of oral, he did something he had never done before, he stopped me. I thought I had done something wrong. Instead he pulled me up to my feet and directed me to the foot of the bed. He turned me around and pushed my head onto the bed. My ass stuck up in the air.

When Uncle John told me he was going to fuck me, I remember silently shaking my head no and trying to turn around to tell him so but he pushed my face onto the mattress harder. I started to squirm but he told me to many things. How much I would enjoy it. How much I had been wanting this and how much he had been wanting to do this. All I objected to but he finally told me shut up and asked me if I wanted my father to find out I was a "fag".

I remember that word echoing in my brain and it shook me to the core. Right then and there I stopped my struggling and allowed him to have his way with me. I remember muffling my silent screams into the mattress as tears started to form, both from the pain and the embarrassment of hearing the term "fag" associated with me for the first time in my life.

After Uncle John was done, he was extremely affectionate to me. He spoke in a softer manner than I had ever remembered. He even held me. I remember him telling me it would get easier with time before he patted me on the head and left the room.

Every time after that, I remembered trying to tell him I didn't want to, but he would always somehow manage to get me to submit "willingly".

I remembered trying to tell myself it WOULD get easier and I WOULD enjoy it, but I never did. The excitement I had when servicing him went away as I knew what came next. It became a chore. I even pretended to be too tired at times when he'd visit me late in the night but that just meant he'd fuck me without any oral to start off the festivities.

After a while, I just stopped trying to come up with excuses and tried to enjoy the experience. I told myself if Uncle John didn't like me, he wouldn't continue visiting me as he did.

The entire time, I placed the blame on myself. I was the one who wanted to give him head. I was the one who wanted his affection. I was the one who let this all happen. I never dared tell anyone out of fear and out of a guilty conscience that it was me who orchestrated the whole string of events. I convinced myself no one would believe me.

Needless to say, I was relieved when I found out Uncle John and my father had a falling out. The following summer came and went without going to the ranch, the next summer as well. Uncle John fell out of the picture until recently.

---

I apologize for the lengthy email. I haven't talked much about this for 15 years except with my therapist and my bfs so it's been therapeutic to say the least.

I'll keep you posted if anything changes. Again, thank you.