QueerClick

Not every coming out story is a happy one. I think your mother's reaction is a good barometer for what you could expect from the rest of your family. I think the only leeway you got was that she gave you time for an ultimatum. So instead of changing your sexuality, I suggest you focus on changing your situation.

Just get out of there. It's obviously doing emotional damage to you, and it can't be healthy. See if any of your friends would let you stay with them. See if you can't find a job in another town and try to get situated somewhere else. If you had any money stashed away, this is a good time to use it. You should be able to at least find rent pretty cheap in this economy.

I'd recommend against provoking or trying to change the views of your family. Maybe once you've secured yourself and build the support system you deserved from the start, you could think about breaking down those hateful walls, but you're not in a bargaining position. You live under their roof, on their money, under their rules. You have everything to lose. Some of those people you mentioned sound violent, and while most of it is probably macho bravado fueled by homophobia, every once in a while someone does something stupid. So be discreet. Don't tell them or let them know what you're doing. And then one day just be gone. Leave a note, don't stick around.

Sounds like an awful situation, but I suggest washing your hands of the whole thing, moving on, and then after you've provided for yourself, maybe you can think about reconnecting with them. Maybe the fact that their son left abruptly without notice because of their despicable bigotry will soften them a bit.

You're a grown man, get the hell out of dodge and start a new life. Go online and find your local gay support group. In time your family will come around, if they dont, fuck them!

What the hell you should do is move. They're not your family. Sorry, but biology doesn't count and family have to accept you no matter what.

Move away. Find a new place to start again. Get involved in your community and meet people who WILL support you. You don't need people threatening you or telling you that you should be killed. Why waste any more time than you already have?

It sounds like you've already made up your mind.
Come out, or else it'll all come bursting out eventually, except you may have a wife and kids in tow at that point. Better to get it over with now. Like ripping off a band-aid!

Oh, my this is a very difficult and sad situation.

1: You don't "owe" it to your family to be depressed, suicidal and/or unhappy as you continue to live in the closet.

2: Family and close friends are supposed to be people who love you unconditionally. However, as you are fully aware, that is not always the case. Unhealthy relationships with family and friends do not assist you in creating the life that you want for yourself. When the time comes you will see that abusive behavior (emotionally or physically) is not worth it. Many circumstances can lead to the dissolution of a relationship. It is not my place to tell you to shun your family or allow them to shun you. Yet, I am compelled to advise you to remove yourself from a situation that you know is not right. You will know when the time is right to do so for your own well being.

3: If you are willing to be subjected to this type of behavior by your loved ones; then do so for the length of time that would allow you to save money and move out on your own. (Without putting your mind or body at risk.)

4: Living in Los Angeles and NYC, I have met many gay people who do not have great relationships with family members or no longer have a relationship at all. It is not uncommon. And it was just as difficult for them as it currently is for you. But time has proven to them that it was worth leaving those relationships behind in order to live a happy, productive life.

I wish you the very best of luck. And hope that you have some friend you can turn to for emotional support during this time.

Hi Joseph,

I can relate to your story. I didn't come out of the closet until
I was 24. My family was very conservative and they also made fun of gays. I was forced at 22 to date girls and even have sex with them. I could never change even if I tried. I moved out at 22 and moved to a bigger city 2 hours away. I had to experience for my self what it was to be with a guy. My friends were the best people I had at that time. I first came out to my sisters then my mom forced it out of me. The difference between my mom and your mom is that she got mad because I didn't tell her first.
She said she loved me no matter what and to just give her time. My father was the same as your father. He knows I'm gay but he doesn't talk about it. He knows my "friend"...but he doesn't interfere in my life. I'm 29 now and I live with my partner.
Never end your life because of your family. My family also suffered for me but they lived their lives "their" way. I had to live my life MY WAY. And that is what you have to to do. Do not try to kill yourself because once you live your life out of the closet, thats when you can REALLY LIVE LIFE!!! It is the best feeling in the world. Give your mom some time. Move out of your house if you have to. They will eventually miss you. I have a brother that I wasn't close to, but once I came out we became closer. HE knew something was "wrong" with but he couldn't figure it out.

My best advice to you is to give it time. Even my sisters cried a lot when I came out to them. But my happiness is what is more important to them. IF your family truly loves you they will understand you. They don't want to understand homosexuallity and thats why they criticize, judge and ridicule. Your happiness and your life is important to you. Learn to really accept yourself and you will find happiness. Once you come out is when you really LIVE LIFE!!

Sincerely,
Rudy

Coming out to friends, family and/or co-workers is a very personal thing, so take any advice with that in mind.

To me, it boils down to the fact that you are 22 years old and this is your life. Your parents have presumably raised you to think independently and make decisions for yourself. The decision here is not whether you are gay or straight, but whether you want to pretend that you are something that you are not, for the sake of others. You cannot make this decision based on what your mother, father and/or friends threaten to do. While your parents made sacrafices for you, it was their choice to have children. Children require countless sacrafices. Being respectful and loving them unconditionally is all that you owe them. Letting their threats or your guilt make you feel like you "owe them" something further (like living as someone you are not to please them) will indeed consume you.

There are many people in this world (and your parents may very well be among them) who refuse to love others (including their own children) unconditionally. However, ultimately, that is their failure, not yours. It may be very difficult, and you may end up without the support of your parents, but you are an adult. You have got to live your life, as you are and not for someone else. If they choose to turn their backs on you, they will be allowing their own bigotry and hatred to dictate their actions.

Like so many others, your mother is attempting to hide behind the Bible to shield her bigotry. Again, like so many others, she will choose to use the Bible, as it suits her, ignoring the parts of it that do not. It is not for them to judge your sexuality. Your sexuality if a fact, and if there is a God, he knows that you are gay, whether you are living as a gay man, or not. How can it be healthy for you to test your will power by trying to have a relationship with a woman, for the sake of your parents? I don't think that she would be particularly happy to know that you are gay, but settling for her because she has the right parts, according to your parents. God could not have meant for anyone to live that way.

While it may hurt to lose your parents, it will be their choice entirely. As I said, your sexuality if not a choice. Your choice is to live your life, or live the life that your parents mandate. Where is the free thought in that? If you really think they will turn their backs on you, and you are ready to move forward and start living as you are, you should make sure that you have prepared yourself practically (place to live, ready to pack, etc.). You cannot prepare yourself for the emotional aspects, but if you are not prepared to provide for yourself financially, and live completely independent of your parents, the situation will be made even more difficult.

Joseph, I'm extremely proud of you for slowly, but surely coming out. No matter what others say, you can't choose your family and ultimately, they are your blood. Know that. They loved you before you came out, so no one can take that away.

However, before I came out to any of my family, I came out to my friends and I created a support system for myself so that just in case my family wasn't supportive, my friends said that they'd be willing to let me camp out on their couch and such. I suggest that you do the same.

Finally, I'm not sure if you consider yourself a Christian, but if so -- don't worry about what others say about you "going to hell" for being gay. Read Romans 10:9, if you don't believe me. Jesus never once referenced heterosexuality and homosexuality within His time on earth. So no worries there. Continue to seek God and everything will fall into place. Believe it. One of my best friends, who happens to be conservative, told me "as long as I'm straight with God, then it's okay to be gay" -- meaning continue to stay planted within a church and seek after Him. God doesn't give a crap about the gay thing -- just your relationship with him.

I agree with the others that you need to leave. You need to find community support or counselling for yourself, as this is a traumatic situation you're going through. I'm sorry, but I only saw this as I was running out to work, so I can't stay longer to give more info.

I remember growing up and hearing all the time "just be yourself". I wish I had taken that advice to heart. I became closeted and acted a certain way to make sure people didn't think that I was gay. It was a huge mistake. My personality was no longer mine.

I no longer care what other people think of me. "I am myself". I am a much better person for it. My advice is the same for you. Save your money, find some gay friends or find a new gay roomate. You have to get out of there. Eventually your family will come around or you will have new "family" come into your life and the rewards from that are endless.

Best of luck to you honey!

The enormity of the emotional and logistical nightmare you face can feel overwhelming. I completely understand how it can feel impossible to move on and take care of your situation and find acceptance and happiness. It is unfortunate that your family can not be there for you now to provide the support you need during this challenging time. But you need that support!

I agree that you need some distance from your biological family. You need to start developing a new type of family and support system around you. If there is an LGBT community center or group around you--or online--start there. Check out resources like PFLAG that serve families of lesbian and gay people. Not only will you get some possible ideas for how to build that web of support, and possible mental health resources that you may need, you may get some hope to hear about the transformations that family can make over time.

I don't think you need to come out to the rest of your family until you are safe and secure in a new community and with people you can lean on around you. I think you need to find a bit of independence and need to move away. If you're secure, it may be a better time to rebuild your relationship with your family. And if you find other parents that have struggled through their own journeys accepting their children via PFLAG or other organizations, I think that can help you reapproach your family.

Good luck. And know that through everything, that feelings of hopelessness and impossibility are just feelings and will not always be there. With the right people around, you will find hope and a path forward.

I have been dealing with this issue for 12 years with my parents and i hate to say but their views wont change. I'm 32 now and at 20 i came out to my folks. I grew up in a town of 6,000 people in farm country Wisconsin. My parents offered to pay for my therapy or sever all ties to me. Eventually my mom came around, some, and a year later my dad said fine, just dont EVER talk about your life style to me, and dont tell anyone we know. At 20 and naivete i decided this was a good compromise to keep them in my life. A year later i moved to NYC with my boyfriend and got the hell out of dodge. My mother came to visit a few times and even stayed with me and my boyfriend. But over the 12 years she has known she has never told another living soul. I've been home 4 times since i moved here and each time i have to edit what i say around my father. Our relationship has thus become fake and surface deep. It has taken it's toll on me, to realize that i cant be myself around the ones who are supposed to support me most and be proud of my achievements.

This year I was to go home for the 4th of july for a week and visit family and friends at a big 4th party. First trip back in 3 years. I decided with everything i have had to put up with from the government and society down to my family that i had to take a stand. I called home and asked my parents if people started to ask me about my life, how they would feel if i was honest and told them. This did not go over well and they said it would be unacceptable. I drew a line in the sand and said i would not be coming home if i cant be myself or be honest with people. That i was tired of lying and pretending i have no love life and lived with a "roommate". I dont care if they agree or like that i am gay, but they should be able to accept the fact i am and that i will no longer hide it. This has resulted in the fact that i am no longer welcome back home.

I gave my family 12 years to come to terms with this and hoped in the end that it would turn out like a movie of the week and they would love and embrace me knowing my struggle and pain. Wrong. I have gone through a period of mourning as it does feel as though they have passed away from my life.

All I can tell you is that you have to be true to yourself from the start. That you will waste years on your family if you hope and pray for the movie ending. We have exactly the same story and it's going to come down to you walking away. It will be hard but its the best thing for you. I have many great friends who are my true family. My best friend is even a conservative christian but she supports me to the fullest. My lifestyle goes against her beliefs but loves me anyway. She doesn't hide me or lie to her friends about me. She loves my partner and we spend lots of time with her and her husband and two kids. We are even called uncle by them. She has been my rock through the ordeal of my family this summer. If she can love and support me then you will surely find people who will love and support you. My sister is fine with it but will not take sides so don't expect help from siblings.

The lucky thing for you is that you have the opportunity to do this early and take a stand now. In time perhaps after a couple of years your family may come to realize how much they miss and love you and may bend a bit. I gave my parents too much time and let them take advantage of my love for them by living under their terms. Don't make this mistake. It will give you years of heartache. Live your life by your terms and they will have to just accept it or you'll have to walk away.

You don't need to lead a life of misery and denial just so your family can feel good about themselves. Mom may be trying to paint you as the problem, but it is her playing the martyr.

I agree that you need to remove yourself from this situation and make a fresh start elsewhere. Absence makes the heart grow fonder; after a while of not having you in her life you mother will come to terms with the situation. She will need to decide which she would rather have -- you as your true self, or an empty spot where you used to be.

Just try to see the move as a liberation, not a banishment. It is you deciding to stop hiding and start living, no them chasing you out.

I have to echo the sentiments of the other posters in that I think you need to make a clean break from your family for the long term good of your own mental health and wellbeing.

I'm sure like you feel somehow indebted to your parents because of all the sacrifices they've made for you, as we all do to an extent, but you don't owe them anything - they chose to have a child, and it was their obligation and responsibility to sacrifice things for that child. It is not, however, your obligation or responsibility to risk your own mental health and long term happiness simply to appease your parents and the rest of your family.

It was very underhanded and manipulative of your mother to even imply that your homosexuality could be construed as a potential cause of her ending her own life due to the "shame" that it carries, that's simply emotional blackmail of the lowest kind, and more than a tad melodramatic. If she truly does care about you, she should be able to accept you for who you are, and not what she wants you to be. But as you've stated, this is an unlikely scenario, so in this instance, I think its best if you make the clean break from your family. That is, of course, easier said than done, but if you want to live your life the way you see fit, and not how its dictated to you by your family, it's the only realistic option.

The best way to achieve this would be by finding work in another city, or even another state, or perhaps attending college far, far away from home, which will initially keep your parents at arms length. If the situation is still untenable, even at a distance, then the only option you have left is to sever all ties with your family and throw yourself headlong into building the kind of life that you want, and deserve, without always having to think of whether or not your parents will approve or disapprove.

What you must NOT do, under any circumstance, is to allow this situation to carry on without end, as the complications of denying who and what you are will doubtless eat away at you and turn into a very unhappy, resentful person.

I'm sorry to hear about your traumatic coming out experience. I want to remind you that God doesn't hate you, and you're still a valued loved child of God no matter what anyone says.

I'm going to give a different perspective: that you need to balance coming out with what your family can accept at this time.

A lot of people go through life being entirely happily gay without the blatant "Accept me, I'm gay" coming out. Some things are just left unsaid. Just because it has not been said doesn't make it less true, or makes it any less right or wrong. If you want to stay with your family, there's nothing wrong with that, though it may mean that you need to be quiet about your sexuality a little bit.

But if your loved ones are abusive, bully you psychologically, coerce you to do things against your will, use violence (to self or others) as manipulative methods, then you need to rethink your situation. I'm not saying that your mother is abusive, perhaps just shocked, but it's worth thinking about how she is treating you and how this will pan out for you in the future.

Lastly, a note about leaving home. Leaving home is very difficult and expensive. A number of runaway gay youth end up homeless, some end up prostituting to get by. If you do choose to leave home, get in touch with some non-profit organizations (e.g., GLBT National Help Center http://www.glbtnationalhelpcenter.org/ 888-843-4564) to get some resources for whichever city you choose. They also provide telephone counseling if you need a live person to talk to.

It sounds like you're religious, so I'll end with two things: Lay your burden on Jesus, because his yoke is light. This doesn't mean giving up being gay, just having faith that God is there with you and you are never alone. Certainly, there's a whole buncha gay guys out here who stand beside you (in virtual space). Also, don't forget that God takes care of the birds and trees -- surely he will take care of you. Take heart, keep your faith, be brave.

This is a tough situation all around. My family is a lot like AdamJon, fake & superficial. It's like "Ordinary People". After all these years, I don't bother to fight it. Life's too short too be miserable. My family never ask about my personal life and I don't bother to call home very much. When I do call, it's always very strained.

I love my family but I can't force my family to change. If your family can't accept you, then forge your own family with supportive friends and co-workers. Ultimately it's your life to lead, and it shouldn't be on anyone else terms but yours.

After 17 years, I've given up hope that my family will come around and accept me. Now I focus on being the best person I can be and enjoying life with no denial and shame. Good luck.

I agree with the others. I didn't come out until I was 28 years old and that was after being married to a woman.
I wanted to please my parents and not myself.
Number one rule is to love your self!
As RuPaul says...
"If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?"

One of the common problems I've seen in coming out is that we often forget that it has taken us years to process this, and so we forget how hard it was when we first realized it.

You have to give folks time and space to cope and not expect miracles when you first tell them. Give them time to think it through, and get past the initial anger and denial. Don't judge them because they're shocked and say things they'll later not agree with.

Patience.

I know it is terribly, terribly hard at 22, but I'm 46, I came out to my parents at your age and it was ugly for a while. Today, my parents are fantastic. They needed the same amount of time I did to get through it. I wasn't very good about giving them that time at 22. I hope you do better.

I would get out of there... they seem to be going over the top in there rejection of you. Its like they are putting on a show to try n change you. I bet some time and distance would be better for you all. Being gay isnt easy but at the same time there is alot of fun, love, and happiness out there waitin for you mr.

I would get out of there... they seem to be going over the top in there rejection of you. Its like they are putting on a show to try n change you. I bet some time and distance would be better for you all. Being gay isnt easy but at the same time there is alot of fun, love, and happiness out there waitin for you mr.

The only true gift you have on this earth is your own life. Take care of it and simply say goodbye to your family since they have made it quite clear where they stand on this issue. I know she is your mom, but look at it this way, she just happens to be your mother who hates homosexuality. If that's the case, then she is just not good enough to be your mother, similar to a 13 year old getting pregnant and not good enough or mature enough to raise a child, so the child is given up for adoption to a family that will take care of the child and give it a good life.

What you need to do is to find a new life, a new family, friends who don't care about your sexual orientation, but care about you as a human being and want to see you happy. Just put you above everyone else, even your family. Before your mother decides to take her life and I hope she does not, remind her that suicide is also considered a sin according to Christians, so she would be joining sin circuit faster than you can say fag.

I want to reiterate what some of the people here have said to you. Get out of the house before it's too late.

Here's my story: I was 17 when I my mother discovered some gay magazines in my room when she went "looking for laundry" while I was away. She was obviously snooping because I hid them fairly well and never expected anyone to find them. Later that day, she confronted me with the question why I had those magazines and I told her that I thought I might be gay. She thanked me for being honest and then gave me a directive - get out of the house in the next two weeks because if that's the way I wanted to be she didn't want me around. Then she made me tell my siblings all at the same time. My younger sister wanted to disown me, and both my elder brothers didn't want anything to do with me. I was devastated, and felt suicidal to say the least. My mom offered to pay a psychiatrist to "change" me, but I only went to a few sessions and decided that the psychiatrist wasn't going to changed me, so I stopped going.

So at the tender age of 17 I moved out of the house and found someone on my computer bullet board system who sympathized with my situation and allowed me to move in as his roommate in the city.

To this day I maintain that it was one of the best things that ever happened to me, having my mother kick me out of the house. It taught me to be strong, to overcome obstacles and eventually I became a better person. Over time, my family grew to learn how it must be for me to be gay and became closer to me. When my mom passed away in 1996 my siblings became closer and now we are all getting along very well, they've met my partner (at the time) and they believed he was going to take care of me for the rest of my life. My situation has changed already but what didn't kill me made me stronger.

I believe if you make the right decision you will no longer have these tendencies toward suicide, because what doesn't kill you will also make you stronger. Over time, your family may become more sympathetic or understanding to you but as they say, sometimes you have to let go of something you love. If it comes back to you then it was really yours. If it doesn't, it never really was yours in the first place. By this I mean that if your family loves you, they will let you go. If they come to understand you and they come back to you for forgiveness, that you should accept them. It might be years later, but that is a chance you're going to have to take. If they don't come back, then there may never be any kind of reconciliation between you and that is something you will have to accept. But you will be better off knowing this.

It's time to move on and live your own life. You are in your 20's... I was in my teens and never had the luxury of living at home until I was the one who was ready to leave. There are literally thousands and thousands of people out there in your exact same situation so don't think that you are the only one. But only you can make the decision that is right for you, otherwise you will be miserable. There is help where necessary. Seek out the Gay and Lesbian Support Centre for support, or attend a gay youth group meeting, or when you're ready start volunteering at the gay phone lines, helping young people like yourself who can relate to your kind of situation. You'll have lots of advice for them, I'm sure.

There is more to life than being in the closet and being a lonely person for the rest of your life. Don't do it. Stand up and make a commitment to yourself that you are going to be proud of who you are and you are going to be the best person you can be. Be yourself, and be joyful and happy, but before you can be happy you have to get out of your current situation.

Best of luck to you... My heart aches for you. Contact me if you like and we can chat more through email, dan.smith@shaw.ca.

GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THERE!

Go somewhere you can flourish and be accepted. Find out the strength of self-acceptance. Let your family come to you and welcome them, but not their judgment.

Your mother is practicing emotional blackmail. Don't fall for her histrionics, your dad won't let her kill herself.

Get away and become an independent person with self-respect. Your family has no chance of accepting or respecting you, unless you lead the way.

First and foremost, if you are finding yourself once again becoming depressed and/or suicidal, please know that there are organizations and support groups available to you. While your personal situation is frustrating and discouraging, it is NOT worth ending your life over. There are outstanding organizations geared specifically to LGBT youth... The Trevor Project (www.TheTrevorProject.org or 866/4-U-TREVOR) is an excellent resource, as are the National GLBT Help Center or PFLAG, as mentioned above.

Second, you have already started building your network of support with your friends who have already accepted for you for who you are. "Family" doesn't always mean blood. I was never given the ultimatum to change or be cut off from my family. However, my family is very religiously conservative and by no means are they truly accepting of who I am. We operate more along the lines of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." I have been fortunate enough to build lasting relationships outside of my blood relatives and I consider them more my family than my parents and sibling.

Your story reminds me alot of "Prayers for Bobby." It is both a book and Lifetime movie about Bobby Griffith, who as a 20-year-old gay young man chose to end his life by jumping off a freeway overpass into the path of an oncoming semi truck. His mother was a devout Presbyterian, and when Bobby came out to her 4 years before he died, she essentially said what your own mother has said... I won't have a gay son. She constantly told him he was sinning and going to hell, left Bible quotes plastered all over their house, and was convinced that God would "cure" her son. After he died, and after a period of deep soul-searching, Mary Griffith learned that God hadn't "cured" her gay son for the simple reason that there was nothing wrong with him. Check your local library and see if they have a copy you can read. The last chapter also lists many resources available to LGBT youth. And if you're interested, the film version is available from iTunes.

But, anyway, back to your story...Speaking from personal experience, when I came out (at the age of 36 and after 11 years of marriage to a woman), I was prepared to deal with my family cutting off ties with me. That didn't happen, but with every conversation, whether by phone, email or letter, my family tried to "cure" me as well. I eventually said enough is enough. I can't change the fact that I'm gay any more than you can change the fact that you're straight. It's part of who I am... just like having brown hair and blue eyes and being left handed is part of who I am. You are who you are, and sooner or later your family will learn to accept you. Remember that this is a traumatic experience for them as well. Someone earlier said something to the effect of you've had years of knowing this about yourself and learning to accept it while this is a bombshell to the rest of your famiy. And even if they've suspected (I know mine certainly did!), actually having it confirmed is hard. I'll let you in on a little secret... I think that ALL mothers cry when they find out their child, especially a son, is gay. It's part of what makes a mom a mom. Right now, your mom is desperately trying to change you; to the point of suggesting that she would commit suicide herself because of her "shame." That is the classic definition of emotional extortion. Let her know that you love her, that you would be sad if she took her own life (just like she'd be sad if you were gone) but there is nothing shameful about who you are. And if she feels shame, that's her problem, not something that you've done to make her ashamed of you.

As far as the religious argument, well, there really is no argument. The Bible is a historical document, written and interpreted by man, not God. Too often Christians read the words without considering the context. Understanding the Bible is understanding what the WRITER wanted his READERS to understand. Jesus never addressed the topic of homosexuality in his ministry. New Testament references to homosexuality most often refer to cases of male temple prostitutes. Levitical references need to be examined in the context that these were laws written appropriate for that time in history. These laws also include prohibitions against eating shellfish or wearing clothes made of more than one fabric. And Deuteronomy states that a disobedient child shall be stoned to death. Are these laws enforced today? Of course not. But then who gets to decide what laws are kept and what laws are stricken? As long as you are right with God in your own heart, that's all you have to worry about. All the rest of it nothing to be concerned about.

Be strong, my friend. Your family, I'm sure, loves you; they're just having a hard time acclimating to this part of who you are. And even if they can't or won't accept you, know that there is a whole community who already loves you and accepts you.

Peace, love and much happiness,
Troy

Hi Joseph: I TRULY understand what you're feeling and going though. I am twice your age, 44, and have stayed in the closet from all family members until 4 days ago. I came out by e-mail to friends and family, and thus far, the responses have proven me to be accepted, for the most part. Friends are telling me that they're proud I had the courage to finally come out and it must be a big burden lifted off my shoulders; and it is for the most part. But then we come to a woman who has been in my life and I've loved for over 30 years, my Jr. High school teacher, who has been like a mother to me since my mother died when I was child. She tells me that I am still the same young man she met in 7th grade but what I saying and potentially doing is a sin and, just like your Mom, is debating with me as I give her arguments back. We’ve gone back and forth and I still keep replying with more arguments. I DO know how you feel, and age has no factor when it comes to coming out to loved ones, although I've been in the closet for 35 years since I knew I liked boys when I was 9. Again, I feel your pain, and because I am feeling that pain I did some research and ended up at this site: http://www.soulforce.org/article/homosexuality-bible-gay-christian.

I read the entire article and cross-reference everything Rev. White had to say. The things that I found (again I confirmed it by looking up God’s word myself – which is what I suggest you also do and not take my word for it), I feel, back up that my feeling this way is more a sin than lying or stealing; in fact, how can heterosexuals explain why we were made this way. When you know at 9 years old, you don’t choose to say, “I like boys”, you know! These are my research findings:

DEUTERONOMY 22:13-21
If it is discovered that a bride is not a virgin, the Bible demands that she be executed by stoning immediately. THIS IS NO LONGER IN PRACTICE

DEUTERONOMY 22:22
If a married person has sex with someone else's husband or wife, the Bible commands that both adulterers be stoned to death. THIS IS NO LONGER IN PRACTICE AND I’M NOT MARRIED NOR COMMITTING ADULTERY

MARK 10:1-12
Divorce is strictly forbidden in both Testaments, as is remarriage of anyone who has been divorced.
THIS IS DEFININATELY NO LONGER IN PRACTICE

MARK 12:18-27
If a man dies childless, his widow is ordered by biblical law to have intercourse with each of his brothers in turn until she bears her deceased husband a male heir (she will be put to death if that child is never born).
NOT ONLY NO LONGER IN PRACTICE, BUT I CAN’T IMAGINE THIS LAW BEING ADHERED TO TODAY

DEUTERONOMY 25:11-12
If a man gets into a fight with another man and his wife seeks to rescue her husband by grabbing the enemy's genitals, her hand shall be cut off and no pity shall be shown her.
OUCH – REALLY DOUBT THIS PERTAINS TODAY

Slavery and sex with slaves, marriage of girls aged 11-13, and treatment of women as property are all accepted practices in the Scriptures & there are strict prohibitions against interracial marriage, birth control, discussing or even naming a sexual organ, and seeing one's parents nude.

While there are some people now living in heterosexual marriages who once perceived themselves to be gay, there are millions of gay and lesbian persons who have accepted their sexual orientation as a gift from God and live productive and deeply spiritual lives. The evidence from science and from the personal experience of gay and lesbian Christians demands that we at least consider whether the passages cited to condemn homosexual behavior should be reconsidered, just as other Bible verses that speak of certain sexual practices are no longer understood as God's law for us in this day.

Because the Bible says it is "natural" that a man and a woman come together to create a new life, why does this means gay or lesbian couples are "unnatural?" They assume it. They read this interpretation into the text, even though the text is silent about all kinds of relationships that don't lead to having children; i.e. those married that never have children, those that can’t have children, or those too old to have children. God did create Adam & Eve to populate the earth, but the Bible says nothing about every single woman bearing a child, like even those that never get married. So gay couples never bearing a child is no different than those couples I mentioned earlier or are single; in fact, it is my opinion that gay couples can adopt a child and help the famine in this world and also be a means of not continuing to populate the earth with more children that will die of starvation.

The Bible speaks of sexual gang rape, an act that occurs in the story of Sodom, but nothing about homosexuality as we understand it today. (Gen. 19)

Genesis 38:9-10 says, "He spilled his seed on the ground... And the thing which Onan did displeased the Lord: wherefore He slew him also". This refers to a man's masturbating as a means of birth control which prevented Onan giving his late brother's wife a child. THIS IS NO LONGER IN PRACTICE

Romans 1:25-27 states that they worshiped the things God created and not God the creator, but today we imply that as same gender sex is wrong. Is it, if it's not our focus of worship and we still worship God?
Although The Ten Commandments (Exodus 20) includes not committing adultery (which is a married person having sex with another person other than their spouse), it does not say anything about homosexuality.

Romans 12:10 reads, “Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another.” And isn’t love from God? Then how can it be wrong to share it with someone else, as long as it’s not lustful or through acts of rape and such? Heterosexuals, of course, say it’s wrong because they don’t feel that same love (which still comes from God); to them it appears unnatural because what feels natural to them may not be natural to others.

As research has shown me, Biblical authors were authorities in matters of faith but knew nothing about sexual orientation any more than they knew of space travel or gravity.

The words "homosexual" and "homosexuality" were absent from the original Hebrew, Aramaic and Greek texts. The authors of the Bible did not understand sexual orientation; this concept was only developed in the late 19th century. The writers had little or no comprehension of same-sex committed relationships. Their languages had no words for these concepts. Rather, they assumed that everyone was heterosexual, but that some heterosexuals engaged in sex with persons of the same gender. Thus, when you see one of these terms in an English translation of the Bible, it is important to dig deeper and find what the original Hebrew or Greek text really means. The word "homosexual" first appeared in the New Revised Standard (RSV) Bible in 1946, therefore these Biblical “scholars” interpreted what they felt, not what “is”; otherwise widows who never bore their late husbands child through a brother before they all died would be put to death today, as well as those in inter-racial marriages or are divorced.

Since God is the God of truth and since Jesus Himself told us that the truth would set us free, one way that we love God and love one another is by admitting the truth about our sexual orientation.

There is plenty of good advice up above, but I'm going to pass on some that one of my friends gave me just the other day. I was worried about what a potential decision would do to friends, coworkers, etc.

His response, "I appreciate that you're a nice person and that you are concerned for everyone else's feelings. But this is YOUR life and you need to be selfish here. It doesn't matter what others think -- all that matters is what's *right* for you."

And while that doesn't make your decision any easier -- that is the approach you should probably be taking.

I think that if he's asking some help, it's because hea already knows the answer. He don't want this live like this anymore. So, Joseph, you gotta know that it's your life, the whole years you are gonna live. I know it's difficult to break this emotional chain, but you have to figure out that their roll is being suportive, either way, liking it or not. If you feel that it's not gonna happen, don't get frustrated by what they shall think about you.

Within the years, they will get used to, but u gotta promisse to yourself, and to us here now (lol) that your gonna demand respect for yourself and don't let you fall in emptyness wich exists in homo world too. It's a trade: to be accepted and respected, u gotta show it up to! OK? WE WISH YOU LUCK! You are not alone!

It's a shame, but you have to cut the homophobic family members out of your life. At this point they are toxic to your well-being. They may be, may have been, a large part of your life, but they are abusing you emotionally. You do NOT deserve that kind of abuse, regardless of what they believe or how they came to believe it.

It's always tough to find that the people closest to you might be seriously flawed in some way, but they are just normal people, subject to religious and cultural indoctrination, to biases and prejudices, to stubbornly holding onto discredited beliefs despite all evidence to the contrary (the reply by Brian B. is an excellent rebutal to misguided religious bigotry).

Your family members are just being human and you'll need to get past the ingrained notion that you are somehow "obligated" to closely associate with them even though their beliefs oppress yours. It's OK to continue to love them, but love is NEVER a good reason to subject yourself to continual abuse.

As for what's next, your life will be what you make it. There are countless numbers of happy, successful people who came from similar, or worse, situations. Ask yourself, "Realistically, what do I want out of life?" Then make it happen.

three things: first, get out like everyone has said, you'll find family in anyone you meet that treats you with love and kindness. Second, NO DRUGS, that's a one way ticket to crashing and burning instead of thriving and succeeding. Last, if you haven't gone to college...go. Whatever it takes, go. Best of luck dude, many of us have been where you are.

Joseph. You've been so brave about telling your mother and it's unfortunate that she doesn't understand but that's probably a consequence of the way she was brought up. I mean sometimes I think that if I weren't gay, I'd be a homophobe. As gay men, I think a lot of us have to deal with a lot of guilt about what we are 'doing' to our family by 'being ' gay. As if it isn't enough the shit we already have to deal with. My advice: you can't please everyone, and I think in this case your family needs to grow up or you need to move out. God bless you, and much love.

this story made me tear up.

I was one of the lucky ones in that coming out wasn't something I had to think about.. it just occured and there was very little backlash and my family are supportive.

I can only say the same things that everyone else has said, in that the best thing to do would be to remove yourself from that situation before you become the victim of something greater than this.

Family is something that is created, out of love and respect.. not by blood. While I do have a supportive group of people tied to me by blood... the ones who support me most, and that give me love and are all the important things that we need as intelligent creatures are the people I have chosen to surround myself with and I urge you to do the same.

This time in your life is all about YOU.. not your mother.. your father or ANYONE who doesn't support you... so as hard as it is, show them that you can do it .. and be the one who makes a difference in your life.

I realise that I am in the minority here, but I fail to see the need to
[] announce your sexuality to someone
[] whom you neither wish to date, sleep with or marry
[] (ditto someone who neither wishes to date, sleep with or marry you).

Why can't we separate our purely-personal affairs from other family members--if single heterosexuals don't tell their parents and siblings details of their sexcapades and married heterosexuals don't tell their parents and siblings of their bedroom problems, why should single homosexuals be any different?

The only time when there is a NEED to tell is when you are marrying you gay partner and you INSIST that your family members accept him and attend the ceremony--even if you know that all hell will break lose, and despite knowing that you have HOPES that it won't. Everything else can be parried with a polite, flippant or vague response.

Less drama is always good.

Hello everyone, I'm Joseph who wrote the letter you have so thoughtfully commented on. I just wanted to thank you so much for your advice. I do have friends who I can talk about this with so it's not all bad. I do plan to move as soon as I can (I have found a temporary job so it'll help me save up).

Someone said that family is created by love and respect and not by blood and I never thought of it that way. I will assure you all now that I do not plan to kill myself. I have friends who love me for who I am and it would not be fair for them. I joined a queer group at university so I'm hoping that will help me feel more comfortable in my own skin.

I really can't express just how much talking about it and reading what you all had to say has helped. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! I promise you all that I will get through this! I will live the life I deserve, that we all deserve.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Love,
Joseph

Hi Joseph,

The one thing that you did not mention in your letter was your ethnic / cultural background, and I was wondering if this plays a factor in how your family reacts to homosexuality, and how you relate to your family.

I say this because I can relate to your story in many ways, but that's because I come from an Asian family that also happens to be very Christian. This added cultural layer on top of the religious layer made things even more challenging for me in my quest to discover sexuality and to find a happy, fulfilling relationship. As an Asian, even growing up in America, you find your life so much more impossibly entwined with your family than the average American, and it is hard to maintain your own emotional and private life. But I want to tell you how I have succeeded:

I decided that it would be impossible to ever tell my family about my sexuality. They are religious, gay-hating bigots, and they just would never, ever understand. I would surely be disowned, my mother would probably feel such shame that she might try to commit suicide, my Dad my try to put me in one of those "re-education" programs, etc. The most difficult part of all this was really being honest to myself about exactly what kind of family I had been born into. Sometimes, you just CAN'T WIN. I realized that sometimes, you have to choose your battles wisely. You can't change others, you can only change YOURSELF. So I decided instead to do everything I could to become independent, and to slowly ease myself away from my family. I finished college, got a job, worked very hard to become successful, and then finally after many years was able to move to a big metropolitan city where being gay is not an issue. It wasn't till I was 26 that I had my first gay relationship ever. But I just knew that in order for me to have a healthy relationship, I really needed to first separate my personal life from my family life. It took a few years, but it was the best thing I have ever done for myself.

Now, I have been in a wonderful, amazing long term relationship for several years. I have made many great friends, who have become more of an emotionally supportive family to me than my real family could ever be. I still visit my family a few times a year, but I do not ever discuss my personal life. The way I see it -- I have never lied to them or tried to be someone else, but I have chosen to keep the most intimate details of my life private. I know for most people, it is hard to emotionally divorce oneself from one's family in this way, but that is exactly what I have done. I discovered that "being accepted for who I am" by my family really is of no importance to me anymore, because in my daily life, I am fully accepted and loved by my friends, my colleagues, and most importantly by my boyfriend. In the search for my own happiness, I have adapted and evolved, because I knew that my family was incapable of ever doing the same.

I want to wish you the best of luck.

A lot of good responses here, but here's a little bit of additional advice from my experience:

What's really important in coming out is finding community that values you. For almost all of us we find that in queer friends and lovers. Given your family, part of that may also be a community of faith. There are lots of groups out there--Episcopals, (liberal) Quakers, the Metropolitan Church--that are ready to give you the support you need. Seeing accepting, religious people has been an important part of my coming out, but even more so for my boyfriend and mothers. I wish you the best in this difficult part of your life.