Ask QC: My Family Hates Gays (Like Me)

Ask QC: My Family Hates Gays (Like Me)

Hello,

I’m 22-years-old and a few months ago I came out to my mother. I have known for many many years that I was gay and spent too long in the closet. I grew up in a conservative home but I thought my family would understand (though I still feared being rejected). I became so depressed that I just gave up and came close to suicide. But my friends showed me that it was not all bad; they didn’t care about my sexuality and I found happiness with them.

I have a good relationship with my mother and so I thought it was best to come out to her first. However, the response was quite devastating. I told her how depressed I’d been and how I only ever felt right liking boys not girls. That made her cry. She said I was sick (she said I had a mental illness) and that I should go to a doctor. Then she said I couldn’t be gay because no one else in my family was gay and she “knew” it was all genetic.

I told her nothing about me had changed, only her perspective on me. She got angry and ordered me to never tell anyone else. She told me to find a woman to cure me and when I was cured I would see how idiotic I was for thinking I was gay. I argued that it doesn’t work that way. Then she brought up religion and told me I was going to go to hell because homosexuality was against everything Jesus and God taught. We both cried for a bit and then she gave me an ultimatum: change or she’d be out of my life forever. She insinuated that she would commit suicide because she was a proud person and could not bear to face the shame. I told her pride was one of the seven deadly sins and she said she didn’t care.

I haven’t come out to anyone else since I told her. Several members of my family have told me directly that they don’t want me to be gay or else… I don’t know. I know my father would hate me if he knew. Every time he sees a gay couple on TV he says they’re disgusting and changes the channel. My sisters seem like they might understand but I thought the same of my mother. My sister’s boyfriend is an outspoken homophobe. He tells me gay people (men in particular) should be put in jail or, better still, killed. He said he would kill his own son if he turned out to be gay. It’s all very emotionally crippling.

I haven’t ever been out with a guy because I’m afraid that someone will see me with a guy and tell my family. I’m finding myself becoming depressed again and I really don’t want that. I’m afraid that coming out will destroy my family and me. On the other hand, remaining silent will consume me. I don’t know what to do. My mother pretends that I haven’t said anything believing I will listen to her and find a woman. Being gay feels right to me and I can’t compromise who I am. But in keeping silent is compromising me. I don’t know what to do. I can’t afford to move out but I’m working towards it.

My family hasn’t had an easy life by any means. They have sacrificed so much for me and I feel like I owe them everything. Basically, I have no fucking idea of what to do. Should I just come out and risk destroying my family’s life, risk my mother killing herself? I can’t stay in the closet forever but I feel as though I may have to. I’m sick of feeling like shit every day.

What the hell should I do???

Joseph

Joseph’s stuck in a hard situation with an emotionally abusive family. He’s 22 and slowly coming out, but he could potentially sever important family ties in the process. What options does Joseph have to stay true to himself while getting the support he needs? And how should his family life factor into his decisions? Please share any advice and experiences that might help in the comments section.
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Aug 20, 2009 By paperbagwriter 35 Comments