UPDATE: Cyborg Queen Derek Rivero And Human Urinal Zack Randall Mere Puppets In Shadowy Porn Conspiracy To Break Them Up

Cyborg Queen Derek Rivero And Human Urinal Zack Randall Mere Puppets In Shadowy Porn Conspiracy To Break Them Up
So you may remember the “tragic” break up of hung, uncut porn pups Zack Randall and Derek Rivero (they both run RandallRivero.com). Soon after their split, Mr. Rivero delivered a “heart-rending” video press release in which he recounted the details of their breakup the same way your mother might tell you to pick up the dry cleaning on the way home.
Well, apparently that moronic video WAS ALL LIES!!!!!!1!!!!! and Zack and Derek are but mere ass-puppets in a larger, industry wide conspiracy to market Zack as a “single dude” and force Derek into bottoming on camera! You may wonder what we’re smoking, so let us share some with you. The more adorable of the pair (recent 2009 Freshman of the Year winner Zack Randall) posted a whacked out blog entry in which he gibbers incoherently about “tolerance” before quoting Derek in a interview with no confirmable source. In it, Derek weeps tears of blood over how shadowy porn entities manipulated him into staging a breakup with his piss-drinking pal:

…I was told the video would only be seen by bloggers and industry people for the purpose of it advancing mainly Zacks career with a singles man image. It wasn’t until after we saw how the video was used that we realized the game that these entities were playing with our images…

there are forces in high places involved in this fabrication and it was they who orchestrated the entire “break-up”. Careers were threatened and promises of success were made all in exchange for the public demise of our relationship… it’s scary to think that these forces have so much to gain and receive so much pleasure in causing so much damage to our public image as a couple.

Yes, Derek… it’s scary alright. Scary like a BIG DILDO!!! But there’s more horrors to come, young reader! Derek reads QueerClick and knows that we called him the iciest cyborg queen of them all. And he’d like to explain why he came off as so icy and metallic. Truth is, he was POSSESSED BY A LIE DEMON!!!!1!:

I did look robotic but only because what I was saying was not the truth and it was hurtful to even pretend that what I was saying was even remotely true. If I seemed to be holding back its only because I didn’t actually agree or believe the lies I was fed and conveying. You try memorizing a speech you didnt even write while knowing its all lies. Anyone who knows me can see that I am not being myself in that video and that I was doing something that went against everything I believe in.

And the kicker? The dark mastermind behind Derek’s forced VLOG OF UNTRUTH then set up a fake YouTube account in his name and uploaded the video press release to infect the minds of millions thousands a few gullible porn bloggers!!!!
BEWARE YE PORN COUPLES AND PORN BLOG READERS—your hearts and minds are but playthings in capitalism’s gay claws. Why won’t they let Zack drink his piss in peace and leave his obscure fashion victim boyfriend alone?!! Don’t we all have enough trouble without spreading lies about Zack, forcing Derek to make YouTube videos, or calling them names like “fuppets” or “dillholes”?
But this dark tale has a “happy” ending! The “good” “news” is that she-borg Derek and piss pig Zack are still “together” and “”very much “in love.”” Ugh… and just when we thought we might have a crack at Zack’s crack, we find out that he’s still “married”! Oh, it’s enough to make us slam our bedroom doors shut and cry unicorn tears on our black lace pillows!
“Thanks” to Unzipped for this deformed news nugget.

Aug 18, 2009 By paperbagwriter 8 Comments