Remember the last time your partner forcibly ejaculated in your eyes and nostrils? You should have thanked him for giving you the skin care treatment that's the toast of New York City—a sperm facial! Young writer Marty Beckerman had to visit a midtown spa to get one, though his female skin care specialist seemed much too "womanly" to provide him with fresh, high-quality sperm. Whoever's sperm she spreads on Marty's face, we would've at least ask for a picture of the sperm provider's cock.

Then, to prove his "manliness," Mr. Beckerman swigs some Jack Daniels and talks about the many times he's tried to convince women to accept his free facials. However, he also likes the smell of sperm, considers drinking cum with his chamomile tea, and thinks facials make a great Father's Day gift. So excuse us if we don't entirely believe when him when he answers "When was the last time you had a facial?" with "Never."