QueerClick

I hate to say this, but, from experience - I had this problem on both ends of the relationship! - the only way to deal with the problem is for him to quit gaming when you're home. I would also suggest that he have a talk with his doctor about the anxiety - he might need a back-up med for acute attacks. Also, try leaving the house to do less social things - go to a museum, the park, anything that's not a big party. You'll spend a lot more time together without (hopefully) risking an attack of social anxiety.

[QUESTION] What, specifically, is it that you want--
A: for him to go with you to places, and to engage with you in activities, which mainly only you want?
or
B: for him to spend time with you, even if it's just the two of you?

Evidently, his version of A above is spending time on online games at home, whether or not you are in the house as well. Equally evident is the fact that as long as you do not complain he is content in his world; and you have not indicated that he is unhappy with you being at work or going out by yourself. Ergo, he is happy both with his own life and with his life with you.

THINK: You, too, are happy with the part of your life which you spend at work, the parts which you spend with other people and the part which you spend with him without other people around. Ergo, you are happy, too--except when both of you are attempting to jointly engage in activities which only you want ... the same way that you are less than happy when both of you are attempting to jointly engage in activities which only you want.

REALITY: Living together and going-out-but-living-separately are both 'relationships'. The difference between the two is that the latter is often mainly about going out, while the former is mainly about sharing a home and a life.

CONCLUSION: You knew the activities which you find most enjoyable and you knew the activities which he finds most enjoyable *before* you made the decision to live together--time to ask yourself if you chose to be together with expectations that one will change to become more like the other ... or whether you are happy with each one of you being as he is, while still having parts of your life which the two of you share and which for all it is worth makes you perfectly happy during those times as well.

When what he is is no longer enough for you and/or what you are is no longer enough for him, then it is time for one of you to move out. On the other hand, when you find that you can have a social life and still come home to him and still be happy when engaging in activities which *both of you* enjoy, then it is time for you to compartmentalise the two and see what bliss you are actually blessed with.

Just ask him to stop gaming when you are home and you are wide awake--hours when both of you are home should be hours when both of you are available for each other.

Just a couple of things to think about. Ask yourself, is this man and his behaviour going to change? If it doesn't, will you be content with the relationship as you descibed for the forseeable future? Further, please remember, love is NOT merely an emotion or a feeling. Love is an action. It is seen and realized in a person's behaviour, how they treat and respect the person they are with. Saying I love you is cheap and easy, showing you love someone is harder (don't confuse this with grand showy gestures - it is the day to day interactions, the routine considerations and thoughtfulness I am talking about). Finally, two last things to think about. Don't worry about being the bad guy, or putting him on the defensive, you are not responsible for how he reacts - he his. You see a problem and want to address it and he doesn't (or else he would not continue the behaviour or would at least moderate it to a tolerable level) and then he cries when you try to discuss a serious topic. This is a manipulative technique. Is the topic still discussed or is the conversation dropped and you switch to reassuring and comforting him? Finally, the simple fact is it takes two people to make a realtionship work but it only takes one person to bring about its failure. You have some hard decisions to make. You are better off making them and going forward rather than avoiding them.

I disagree... If this is something your partner enjoys, you can't expect him to change himself because of YOUR insecurities arising...

Instead of approaching him about not showing you the attentiveness you'd like, you'd be better angling it in a more positive way. Possibly take an interest in WoW again, not playing, but on his progress, ask about his guild, any Raids they've done recently? If he's excited about the expansion (It's called Cataclysm btw)

Then, maybe offer to take him to dinner as a reward for completing an Epic Raid (if he's lvl 80) or cook him dinner at home as a treat. Once he feels less like he has to pick between you and his game (cause I'd wager he'll know how you feel) you may find he opens up again.

In essence, try to focus yourself on engaging him through WoW, because it IS a big part of his life by the sounds of it, and it'll hopefully sort itself.

Hope this is helpful,

Jason (a lvl 63 Gnome Frost Mage - Javriel)

sounds like you're both lucky to have each other, which is refreshing in today's world. ST (above) wrote excellent advice. COMMUNICATE - you're very articulate. set boundaries. find something FUN to do together that's not threatening to either of you. don't fuck it up.

he seems to be more interested in fantasy than reality,and you are part of reality..i think the whole fantasy role playing is a bit absurd and it often taken to extremes ,,when it poses a problem to your relationships or otherwise,,it is as much of a problem as gambling or any other obsession,,you have clearly tried to solve this issue and he clearly isnt at all serious about your relationship...i would move on,,there are plenty of great guys who would love to spend their time focused on you and not some magical 'elf' living in la la land

Dude, a couple where one guy is an actor, enjoys parties with lots of strangers and wants an "active social life" and one is an anxious, mildly depressed gamer? Sounds like one guy is a pretty extreme extrovert, one's an introvert. Both of you are going to hate social situations that the other one likes. Doesn't mean you can't stay a couple, but you shouldn't plan on dragging him to parties any more than he should plan on dragging you through WoW raids.

Drake,

I think your boyfriend is spending so much time playing WoW for two reasons; 1. He likes video games, and 2. From what you've said it sounds like he has trouble in social situations, and the game allows him to interact with people in a setting that makes him more comfortable. It's a lot easier to be confident when you're a "berserker elf" or "black mage", instead of a weepy "teddy bear" who has panic attacks.

That said, I think the best thing you can do is explain to him that you don't care if he plays WoW or not, but that you miss him and just want to spend more time with him. Don't make it a "me or WoW" conversation. You're an articulate guy, you'll figure it out.

Good Luck!

It's funny. I'm actually having the same problem with my boyfriend. We're both avid gamers and into anime/comics/dnd/etc...

We seem to be spending less and less time together. He's always playing his game.

I guess you should just explain how you feel and hope for the best. I've got to do that too. Best of luck!

A relationship is a full-time job. If you or he only have part-time availability, somebody might get "fired."

Figure out your crucial apart time (job). Then figure out personal activities and how much time is invested in each. If there's no time for "together time," expect this relationship to die because nobody is interested enough to get together with the other.

Might he be writing this same letter citing your rehearsals?

Some quick background...

I am 19 years old now, but I started playing WoW Dec. 2004 and stopped sometime mid 2008. Most of this time I played for hours upon hours at a time, and ended with multiple characters with a bit over 40 days (yes, 24 hours each) played.

During my time playing I learned a few very important things. Many of the people who play WoW are not pleased with one or perhaps many aspects of their [real] lives. For me it was issues with self image and social acceptance: I hated the way I looked, I hated that I was gay and I hated that I didn't fit in with anyone. I felt alone and isolated, but WoW was an escape from the pains of real life. I could be a crazy-geared Undead Warlock in the best raiding and PvP guild on the server, and everyone knew who you were and respected you for your "accomplishments". Being in this imaginary world felt so good to me that I blew off functioning socially in the real world so that I could spend more time in a place where I knew I would be accepted.
.......Do you think it's possible that your boyfriend feels this way? If he is on Paxil for anxiety then there is a very good chance that he suffers from comorbid depression. If he is not happy with himself then there is a very good chance he is concerned that others will not approve of him either. This could be why he doesn't like going to places where he does not know most of the people; he cannot predict how he will be scrutinized by complete strangers. People like your bf (and myself) usually need to be sat down with and given a reality check. Find out why he likes WoW so much, and conversely, why he is not interested in social situations.

WoW is dangerous. It is like a drug, and that is not an inappropriate comparison. You play a bit at first and it is okay but you aren't great so you just play casually. As you play more and more you end up needing more and more time to play just so you can keep feeling the (good) effects. I can make this comparison because I have had issues with both scenarios. Quitting WoW was almost harder than quitting Restoril and Lunesta after many years of use/abuse.

Lastly, please don't fool yourself into thinking he will get "bored" of it. Blizzard (the makers of WoW) work tirelessly to update the game with new content as often as possible to keep their customers addicted and interested. As a matter of fact another expansion pack is slated to come out sometime soon here. And my brother who has been playing constantly for 5 years now will be one of the first in line to pick it up and carry on his series of obsession.

/end rant

I wish you and yours the best of luck. This situation is not an easy one, but if you both try hard enough it may work out in the end. Compromises are key, but if your personalities are so drastically different that you can't enjoy each others company in a common setting, you may need to make a change.

I've read all of the comments and just...am amazed.

First, I read the question, and re-read it. Then read it a third time. Then I thought...what's the problem? The two of you have differing issues. You happen to be an actor, he is a gamer. Right now, at this point in your life, these are dominating activities. Such will NOT be the case forever.

This has less to do with someone on Paxil, or someone gaming online, or someone who is a community actor, and more to do with the fact that activity intensity changes as time goes on. This is just human nature. Right now it seems like he is totally absorbed into Wow, just like you admit you have rehearsals most of the week. I could envision an email from him (if he wasn't gaming) talking about how left out he feels because he barely sees you during the week.

You're hoping that he'd want to go out during the weekend when you aren't working or rehearsing...so you want it to be convenient for you? Is that fair and equitable, and how a real relationship SHOULD work?

Truth is, eventually his interest in WoW will start to wind down (TRUST ME - I did my graduate research on the game, and I didn't play it before I started my research, and I don't play it now), just like you will get into a period where either no shows strike your fancy (or nobody wants you for a part you want). In those times your proximity will grow, and you'll get to see much more of each other.

Then you have to deal with the other end of the spectrum: not being able to get out of each other's hair because you're both ALWAYS around!!!

It's a crazy, madcap experience where we, as social creatures, bounce between having way too much to do (for various reasons) to having zippage. Stop fretting, and enjoy the ride. As nerve-wracking as this may seem, it's normal!

Well let me start by saying that my partner and I have very different interests. He's a collector and his collecting consumes a lot of his free time and attention. Likewise, I'm a gamer, I don't play WoW, but I play an entirely different game, which I've turned into a bit of a lucrative businesses for myself, the extra cash doesn't hurt. But in likewise fashion, a few months back, we both noticed we were spending less time together, him focused on his collecting and me on my gaming. We'd tried the "let me try your interest" thing and it didn't work out for either of us. And when we did spend time together, it seemed that all we did was talk each other's ears off about our different interests. So finally, a friend made a suggestion that I now love him dearly for... we sat down and talked about this and came to an agreement, and here's what it is: 1) we eat dinner together every night, no matter what, dinner time is put down whatever you're doing time and focus on each other; 2) dinner time is time to talk about our days, work, friends, family, the latest episode of our favorite tv shows, etc, no talking about our obsessions; 3) we do a date night every week on the same weeknight, we get out of the house together and do something, whether its going out to dinner, going to a movie, catching a play, shopping, whatever; 4) we do a date morning/afternoon on the weekends, same as above but a chance to do more interesting things like going to the beach, a museum, the park, etc; and 5) on date time, talking about collecting and/or gaming is off limits. It's done wonders for our relationship. Hope this is something worth considering for you and hope it helps. best of luck man.

Wow, Kyle. I really respect you for your advice. I know experience and advice like that doesn't come without a history of real pain and real work to overcome.

Drake, I say listen to all of these people, but I think Kyle is your point man. This isn't a flip-of-the-wrist kind of situation. Keep being steady, graceful and empathetic. You may be one of the only people in your bf's life who is showing him those things right now.

One: first, try a meeting between the two of you, agreeing on more things to do together -- you don't yet know if the game is only a diversion. If he won't agree to - and follow through with -- more time together (including you compromising your rehearsals), it aint good.
Two: couples counseling
Three: Treat it as if he were an alcoholic. Go to Alanon, or Ala-gamer (if it exists), and learn how to focus on yourself. Perhaps he will come around, when you arent asking him to game less, or perhaps he will fall down the rabbit hole.

DO NOT TAKE HIS ADDICTION ON YOUR SHOULDERS TO FIX -- if he wants it, let him have it, its his life. You can move on if you aren't getting what you need.