QueerClick

Try smiling and be social. You shouldn't base your happiness on your sexuality at all. Never place your happiness in someone else's hands or into factors that you can't control.

Kevin has posed some really important questions about self image, meeting new people, belonging, etc. Having been out for 18 years, I can't say I've found definitive answers to any of them. The QC writer has identified one very clear barrier to meeting new people. Coming out of the closet.

I am a shy guy. I lived in a pretty nice neighborhood in Manhattan when I came out. I was one of very few African Americans around so I understand the hesitancy you express with regard to interacting with people who might look different from you.

Coming out didn't completely erase those concerns, nor did it make me less shy. It did open doors though. When I came out, I met people that I would never have spoken to. Every stripe, color, shape and size. In the closet, I walked around with a secret and it made me fearful that if people got close, they would find out.

I think subconsciously, I did things to ensure that I would be alone and separate from everything else. You can't change your non-sexual identity (at least on campus) until you come out. If that's not safe, find places off campus. A gay center, coffee bar etc. You'll be shocked at how many fellow students you'll find. You'll also be shocked at how not looking like everyone else can work to your advantage.

I'm 20 and black and bisexual. I know how to hide myself really well, and I know others that do it too. Some people like the secrecy. Think of it as an advantage, other people wear their heart out on their sleeves and can't help but not do it, you and I certainly do not. Some times its good to be reserved and observe others.

The bad things are that your lying to your friends ect. and having to watch what you do or say to make sure you don't sound gay!

I haven't had a proper relationship before, never been in love, its hard to love a women when you are hiding your secret sexuality, its hard being very open with people, I act in different ways to different types of people.

its also hard dating a man, he may be open about his sexuality, while I may want to keep it in the closet, ect.

Some would say I am a bit self-hatred because of my secrecy. I guess this is true because I don't think I would be such a popular character at my Uni, if people knew I was gay.

Thinking about it im a bit scared about what others would think, and I seriously doubt I would have as much friends as I have now...:(

As for race, yes race plays a part in relationships and friendships everyone has their racial preferences, but in order to get past those racial barriers you need to speak to people and show them that you are not what they thought you would going to be like because they thought you would act a cetain way based on your skin colour.

I study at Brighton University in Brighton, England, UK (The Gay Captial of UK) Most of my friends are white, we all get on just fine, some times they stereotype me assuming this and that about me, but its fine. I guess the UK is more welcoming of multriculturism than America.

The answer is yes. If you insist on being a boring, spineless coward you're about as interesting as a bowl of shredded wheat with skim milk. Who'd want to be friends with someone who goes out of their way to have no personality? You sound like a total bore and I wouldn't want to be your friend, either. Sorry.

Oh, and if you can't come out because mommy and daddy might not approve, you're too much of an emotional child to waste time with anyway. Again.. if you need permission to enjoy life, you're going to be a drag at parties. Do the world a favor and stay home.

Hucsters that is vicious! The guy clearly came here asking for help to make changes in his life and got a barage of abuse from you.
Kevin, just enjoy yourself, if your uni has any social clubs or hobby groups that catch your interest then join them and just make yourself some new friends that way. I'm a pretty shy guy but you have to force yourself to go into situations that whilst you may find socially uncomfortable, you will ultimately enjoy once you come out of your shell and relax...if that makes sense, it's late here so i might be waffling.
Anyway my advice is just to expand your social setting and work on your confidence and the rest will fall into place one piece at a time.
And if you wanna hit the gym and bulk up a bit then it's your decision, do it cos you wanna not cos you think guys will like you more.
Anyway mate just chill about it all and take it one step at a time.
xx

Being closeted is just kidding yourself. Trust me, people figure these things out. The only person being fooled is you, if you think you are fooling anyone.

You ask about overcoming racism. That question has nothing to do with your love/dating/sex life. Based on what you wrote it is you rejecting everyone, without regard to ethnicity.

Seems to me like you are compiling excuses to keep yourself unhappy. Stop doing that and your other concerns will vanish.

Hei Kevin,

I'm an Asian myself, 22 years old, 4th yr uni student and is currently living in NZ. True, there is no denying the fact that being an Asian does give you a slight disadvantage to many areas.. trust me ive been there and still experiencing it once a while. It may look like they are picking on you or not picking on you for that matter because of your skin and (eyes - asian almond looking eyes) but seriously its really more of how you portray yourself to anyone bro.. I'm not denying that its true, which is probably in about 50% but theres another 50% that may not be the case.

Was overweight, always looking down, not smiling, dont have the perfect smile, small eyes, not socializing etc.. And seriously, put yourself in the eye of another, would you approach me and say hi? My point exactly. you may not even be as bad as i once looked.. so it shouldnt be hard for you..

Lost weight, built up, took great care of myself, smile ever so often (even with the non-perfect smile and almondy eyes) and look confident because i can pull off confidence easier and man its a huge difference.

SAdly, in this gayish gay world, appearance is usually the first thing they look at, despite all the different tastes in men. youve got to admit it, people do judge the book by its cover, cause its the first thing they see.. Nevertheless, keep an open personality which usually is the second in line that does the trick after all the physical attraction.

Stop complaining, stop thinkng too much, and look for a better change.. you can do it man, i did..

No, Hucsters is right. Kevin basically asked "how do I enjoy my boring life without doing anything about it being boring?" He can't. He hates being in the closet but is too much of a Mama's boy to do anything about that, doesn't like being boring but doesn't seem to want to do something about that, either. His whole post stank of "poor me" and "I can't come out because of [insert lame excuse suited to little boy]" and "it's everyone else's fault I don't have friends." This is what I call "who pissed in my pants syndrome." Who needs that? Get a life or get out of my way, kid.

Btw, I'm still in the closet as well.. And im still having a great time.. BUT always let your partner/boyfriend know if youre in a relationship and talk about it. Its going to be a heart wrenching, mind boggling.. hard decision but youll get through. Some how..

hucster... fuck off!!! you have no idea what the fuck you are talking about.

Kevin,

Well, it depends on how you see it... I was once like you... I wouldn't let anyone get too close to me although I did have a lot of friends... (I'm asian too btw)... But since I was gay, I kept people at a distance... but now I am closer to them than ever... ever since coming out...

as for being shy... you can get over that easily once you start being around people you are comfortable with but the way you get comfortable with people is by getting comfortable with yourself first...

Also, you know what... FUCK THEM and fuck everyone else... if people won't accept you for who you are, then that's their problem... there are plenty of people out there that will be more than happy to be friends with you...

don't listen to hucster... he is just some shallow dumbass probably tweaked out and what not...

as for judgejudy... she is right that you are the one rejecting everyone... let people in and you'd be surprised... I have never been happier since I came out of the closet...

Asian & catholic as well, 27 now. Some words of advice:

1. On the gym: I'm sure you're hot already. But if you're thinking about it, go get a hot body... now! You deserve it. It will serve you well. In addition to a good education, getting a good body is another natural thing that pays off handsomely.

2. On the church: Being catholic means being true to yourself, forming your conscience taking into consideration church teachings but not taking doctrine as absolute truth. God requires you to be true to yourself. Find a liberal catholic church and see if there's someone you can talk to (e.g., Newman Hall at your university maybe?).

3. On race: That's a matter of life, hard to change. Move to California. :)

4. On sex: I'm not sure. I used to wear black rimmed plastic glasses, pretty asexual as well. 10 years later, ... I don't know. Good luck. Make some gay friends, date a few people. How to start? Who knows!

5. On hiding a part of who you are: Don't. Life is too short. There are a lot of people who will accept you for who you are, I don't think it's worth worrying about those who won't accept you.

The best line from TAKING WOODSTOCK is from Liev Schreiber as a transsexual former Marine who is now providing security:
"I know who I am and that makes it a helluva lot easier on everyone else."

You don't have to announce who you are or your sexual preference. Get involved with every gay group you can find and figure out which ones you like. Approach guys you find attractive and ask them out for coffee and then if you still like them, ask them on a date. There are plenty of white guys who love petite Asian guys.

Beef up if you want to, change your clothes and style if you want to, but just BE out. If someone asks if you're gay, the answer is YES. If nobody asks if you're gay, you're still gay but don't have to say anything. Make friends with cool women, they can be instrumental in getting you out of your shell and out of the closet.

The closet is a lonely place. If you're concealing who you are, don't expect anyone to accommodate you. Chance are, people around you may already know you're gay.

Dear Kevin:

I was exactly like you when I was 19. I am Asian. I am still nerdy like and ever since I was a child, I was labelled as the smart guy. I too was in a predominantly white high school and university.

It was hard being 19. But if I knew then what I know now, I would have not wasted my time swallowing self-pity. That was my first mistake.

Join clubs that you are interested in. It does not have to be in your university. It does not have to be an Asian group. It does not have to be gay. Just be a member of a group of people with the same interests. Yes, you are Asian and gay, but this does not define you. You must be happy being with yourself! You cannot be happy being with others if you are not happy being alone. Doing things you love will help with this. Make friends with women. Lovers may come and go, but female friends (your fag hags) are awesome.

Do not worry too much about things you cannot control. Your height, your race, ethnic identiy, your religion, your parents, your sexuality, etc. Take hold of what you can control. For example, study hard and focus on getting a job that pays well. This way, even if you come out in the future, you are financially independent of your parents. Get a job in a city that is multi-cultural. Do your research and work for a company that is gay-friendly in a gay friendlier locale (so focus your learning goals now).

Come out when you are ready and feeling safe. No rush!

Feeling alone makes you very vulnerable. You may be longing for any human connection! Be careful. Use condoms! Be smart! Take care of yourself.

What kind of guy do you like? If you like them fit, you better be fit yourself. Work out. If you like them artsy, then go to galleries and stuff. You know what I mean.

The good news is that you are only 19. Wow! I wish I was 19 again (but knowing what I know now). There are lots of guys out there who like Asian guys. Believe you me!

I have more to say, but I have to go to work. Ciao!

With men and women ir's ying/yang - with gay men it's ying/ying. Gay men are hyperconscious of physical attraction as the basis/beginning of relationships, much more so than straight couples. There's that joke: Women want a reason for having sex; men want a place. Well imagine that state of being with two men.

I lost my hair and have never been able to bulk up - personal trainers, gym for 30 years, etc. I've done online dating, even dating services. Everyone I know has fixed me up on a blind date at least once - and I'm alone and bitter. 15 years of therapy - 5years of group gay therapy, years in gay bars...

I'm not ugly. I'm just not the mirror reflection someone else wants of himself. Or perhaps I'm just not the prize, the accessory.

Don't end up like me. I've never been in the circle of someone's attraction and desire. When I make eye contact, men look away.

Don't end up like me...

I'm also Asian only a year or two older than you and my family is also a fundamentalist christian. I grew up in religion.

To me the religion thing is the only obstacle here.

But before that,
What does being gay have to do with you being shy, unsexual or even asexual on the extreme side.
What does sexual orientation have to do with you being "boring" and being extroverted or introverted? Do people just walk up to random people and say Hi my name is X and I'm gay.
Lastly what does being gay have to do with the way an individual presents themself? The last time I checked being gay, bi, or straight had to do with in vulgar terms a person I would like to fuck. Unless of course you think that it is essential for gay men to have the stereotypical flamboyant flare.

Onto the true external obstacle, family and religion. This one is tough cause if they can't accept you then you are essentially forced to live either a life where you put on a mask that will eat away at you or you have to become autonomous. Do not think anwhere you are obliged to "worship" your family, you care about them because they give you a reason to. Your family, more specifically your parents chose to have children(a kid), they are obliged to take care of you and give you support and if they can't they aren't your family.
As hard as it is to believe,it takes more than bodily fluids to make someone family.

For religion what is the main message of your/your families belief? If you/they are going to get stuck up on the fact of that one "sin" even though no one is perfect than the main message of that religion is already gone; what are you even believing in? It is not seeing the entire forest because of that one tree.

hey kevin. try to remember that no one in this world can belittle you or make you feel unhappy unless you let them.

try to strike a balance in your life, figure out some priorities. you're 19. you've got so much time it's insane. being gay doesn't mean you need to look a certain way or act a certain way or do things that people generally perceive as gay. find out what you like and enjoy yourself.

i'm chinese. and my mom's mormon AND i come from an islamic country. a lot of people have it a lot harder than you and I do. so get over self pity, it never helps ;)

The problem lies beyond your sexual orientation.
What you need to do first is be happy and content being an asian.

Whether you want out or not that is your choice.
Although I do acknowledged the power of sexual desire as a part of your life, I am still perplexed on the fact that many people put sex as the only force in their life.
There is nothing wrong being a nonsexual asian (just as there is nothing wrong being sexual -gay/ straight/ bi).

Change your way of thinking. Why would you want to be defined by someone else? Beefing up for the sake of attracting someone is bull.
In the end, you will attract someone who only interested in your body. Isn't this a double standard? You are stereotyping gay community as people who only attracted to sex.

Racial discrimination will always be there and you just need to get over it. The only way you can do is by being proud of who you are and refused to be defined by racial stereotype. I have been discriminated far worse (my house was burned because i am an asian) and I am speaking from experiences.

I see nothing wrong having almond shaped eye, skinny, nerdy, gay, etc.
It's a part of you. Be who you are. Come out whenever you feel you want to come out. Don't let people tell you that you are coward etc. After all, the only one who know you perfectly is yourself.

Hey Kevin-

I actually identify a lot with your story. I'm asian, short (5'2") and I too went to a large midwestern (Wisconsin) and had to come to to terms with a lot of what you faced.
You're not necessarily destined to be alone, but with the way your situation currently sounds, it doesn't seem like you're meeting new people and that you're demeanor may be perceived as off-putting. Coming out to your family is difficult, but for me, it helped to let people know an important part of myself. That being said, I also got to know myself as a person through the whole coming out process and I learned that I can also express who I am without necessarily proclaiming to everyone that I am gay right off the bat.
This also helps with overcoming racial barriers in the straight and gay community as well. I'm not sure which one's you may be experiencing because I find that the perceptions of those may differ from person to person, but in general, I think it's important to understand people's perception of you as well how their perceptions affect your own perceptions as well.
In terms of changing your nonsexual image, that would involve you stepping out of your shell. Let people in to get to know the real you, smile at them, try and strike up a conversation or join your university's LGBT group. It's difficult, I know, and for someone who is having difficulty with these issues, I advise taking small steps. It's so much easier than just trying to find a date all in one night. Take steps that have you push your boundaries a little. This could be just attending a meeting and only participating at your comfort or just even turning to a person nearby and say, "What's up?" I think it's true that some people just don't find Asians attractive, but there are definitely a group of people who do. Also, just because they don't find you sexual does not mean they'll write you off as a friend too.
To be honest, it's hard to present yourself when you feel like you're hiding something. You end up being too absorbed with what you're doing and while people may not understand what exactly is going on with you, their perception of you will be affected by your own actions, usually negatively. Hiding yourself will not allow other people get to know you.
This process is not easy and it takes time. One thing that I haven't found out about you is what resources you have to turn to. Do you have friends who you'd be comfortable discussing these issues with? I know views on counseling are hit or miss, but it might help to find a therapist (I know students have it rough financially, so I would ask therapists if they could take that into consideration, many work on a sliding scale) or even turn to a Coming Out group at your university. I would definitely look into resources that are available because even though this process is mainly personal, I found that turning to others is almost necessary and beneficial and I probably could not have done it without the help of a good support system. Hope that helps.