Ask QC: Lost and confused

Hi,

I don’t know from where should i start…….well I met the most amazing guy in the world. he is kind, nice, has a beautiful smile and is so humble. He is 26 years old and works with me in the same company. We treat and appreciate each other in a good way. I have strong feelings for him that I’ve never felt before for a guy. I mean yeah I’ve had several crushes but deep down I knew that they were just crushes and they will go away. I love everything about him, as a matter of fact, sometimes it feels like looking at myself in the mirror. He is a shy person (like me), he likes to smile at people’s faces when he says Hi, he also likes to help his colleagues without waiting for anything in return (he is a giver) even if he is tired. We were born in the same month (December), well he is one year older than me. I care for him a lot and I feel the same way (as much as I think). We smile at each others faces and sometimes we make little chit chat too.

Once, when I traveled, I decided to bring a gift for him, something really simple and not expensive as I like to bring gifts for my close colleagues. Sometimes I also like to bring along some breakfast to the office and invite my colleagues to eat together. Whenever I do that, I invite him of course. But recently, especially now, I have noticed that he has changed a lot since I gave him the gift and invited him to eat with us. He is ignoring me a lot.

When he sees me entering from the front door of the company office, he pretends that I don’t exist. Once I had to hand over some work to his secretary and he was standing beside me and very close (less than a couple of inches) but he didn’t say Hi or anything at all – he just totally ignored me and then entered his own office. Whenever he enters my office to hand over some work to my colleagues or consult them about something, he doesn’t say hello or anything and pretends that I don’t exist, he doesn’t’ even look at me. He seems pretty much nervous when he’s around me and he was putting his left hand in his left pocket. Another time he entered my office handed over some work discussed something and I was actually looking at him and I was just so excited to say Hi (I know, I know, a stupid move but I couldn’t hold myself back) and then he looked at me, gave me the most cold feeling and dark look that I have ever saw in my life (more like a poker face).

Recently, he went on a vacation without saying anything to me when or where he was going (even though I would tell him when I’m taking a vacation). When he returned from that vacation he started to ignore me more and more. And then when I met him at the door he pretended that he didn’t see me and just entered his own office. And then he started using the back door to get to his car in order to avoid me.

Before that vacation thingy, my problem started actually when I felt that a crisis is coming on the horizon and I needed to do something quickly. So, I looked for an article in the internet about “how to get over a guy” in order to get over him, but the one that I found one wasn’t helpful at all. I kept searching and my destiny led me to an article about “how to attract a guy that you like” I started to read it, at the beginning it made me feel that I was on the top of the world. But then as I realized the reality that I now live in, I got so depressed and started to be so stressed and nervous. The article was meant for bold guys and not for people like me. It said that I should talk with him, tell him how I feel and it is important to keep him interested. When I realized that I’m so shy and afraid of the consequences of my action that I will face – I felt terrible and extremely depressed, I actually cried before I slept (of course nobody saw me) do that. My parents asked me why I look so stressed out and nervous and of course I told them that I am OK and there is absolutely nothing wrong with me and I was just thinking about my future.

I have nothing but love, care, and respect for him, I don’t mean him any harm. His ignoring me hurts so much. There is a struggle inside me between two parts. The first one encourages me to talk with him and never misses this opportunity. The second part, is telling me to stay away from troubles, leave him alone and stop bothering him as I can’t handle this or face the consequences of telling him that I love him so much.

I never planned for this to happen. I know that work is not an ideal place to meet people, but it just happened. I was all alone… yes miserable (I still am actually) minding my own business and suddenly I found the most amazing guy that I want to spend the rest of my life with. True… I’ve never been in a relationship before but every cell of my body tells me that this is it, he is the one.

Time is ticking… today we work in the same company but I don’t know what will happen in the future, maybe he will work somewhere else or maybe I will find a better opportunity to work in other company. I think about him all the time, I’ve tried to ignore him and stop looking at him but I can’t. I think about him while eating, working out, cooking… etc. I can’t concentrate or think straight about my future any more.

I really don’t know what to do. I am so confused and messed up. I don’t even know what is going on. Sometimes it feels like I am just existing – living and breathing to try and get over him and forget all about him.

And here’s the thing about his sexual orientation, well I am confused and not really sure.

1- He used to smile at me. Talk nervously fast. He told me before that he has a girlfriend but when I asked him is he gonna marry her, he shook his head (saying no way) and then he looked down shamefully to the left corner and from the look on his face he was disgusted by the idea and apparently he cannot even stand her.
2- One of my colleagues was talking to me in his office about a particulars kind of food for lunch time and he said let’s go and eat it. I invited him to come and eat with us. He said yes. My colleague told me and him “You know this kind of food is an aphrodisiac and known to give you such great sexual powers” and then he nervously smiled and stared at him as it was awkward moment. Apparently he was so shy about the whole subject. I tried to clear the air and said “Well, I simply don’t believe that, besides I tried that food in that restaurant and it did nothing for me!” So why would be so shy about sex if you have a girlfriend, they probably sleep together right? (I am shy about it because I’ve never been in a relationship) but why would h be? That’s something I find hard to understand.
3- When he recently entered my office. He seems very nervous… now why would you be nervous around guys unless you are either gay or bi… I mean, shouldn’t he be more confident when he’s near me… Right?
4- Once I was sitting in my office working and bored, so I decided to look out of the windows and I caught him looking at me three times (in a row) and then he tilted his head to the left. If he doesn’t care for me, why would he even look at me?
5- Once I was in the hallway in front of his office talking to one of my close colleagues as he was telling me a joke and I laughed hard and smiled at my colleague. Then I saw him looking at me and I saw jealousy in his eyes. He got out of his room and headed somewhere else.
6- It was lunch time and I was going to punch my card, I met him in the front door with a bunch of his colleagues and then waited for him to exit through the door before I entered and get to the machine. He said “No please, you go first, we are waiting for someone else and we can’t leave without him”… I am not sure what he meant, but of course that line made me furious and jealous too. Was he trying to make me jealous? I don’t know.
7- I saw him hanging with with that other guy a lot, smiling at him, talking with him a lot… at the beginning I was jealous and got mad but then that feeling went away as I told myself that I should be more confident and he is just his friend, besides that other guy didn’t do anything to me and it turned out that he is nice.

Please help me I don’t know what to do. I feel lonely, sad and depressed. I don’t have any kind of support system. I don’t have anybody to turn to. I don’t have any gay friends. I tried to ignore my feelings but they’ve become stronger everyday. I’ve tried to ignore him but I just can’t. This guy has touched my soul. I truly love him from the core of my heart. I wish that I could hug him so hard and tell him how much that I love him, but of course for us it is impossible to do that in my society, my religion tells me that we are unnatural and we don’t have the right to express our feelings just like straight people.

My father works with me in the same company and if he knows any of this, it will be the end of world to me and the doors of hell will open up in front of me. My whole family rejects the idea of being gay. It is not accepted at all. They think it is forbidden to be like this. Of course they don’t know about me. They are not monsters or anything. There are no words can describe how much that I love them and they love me, but this is just how they think about gay people. Well, I don’t blame them personally – the whole of my society thinks like this. I also forgot to mention that my cousin works with me in the same company. If anybody from the administration or the company knew about me, they will fire me and gossip will fill the place. Simply they are homophobic, racist people (screaming out loud: Racist people!).

I need a practical solution as I will never come out to anybody ever here. You may have been able to tell from my language that I do not live in a liberal country, I live in the middle east and not in Europe, the whole idea of homosexuality is rejected, forbidden, wrong and not acceptable. I think that they jail gay people in the country that I live in… I’m not sure about this as its not my mother country.

I swear I would never be mad at him. I wish he would be happy with anybody even though it would build on my own misery. His smile and face would be always carved in the core of my heart. I wish him nothing but luck, success and happiness in his life. Even if he didn’t appreciate my love and care to him, I would cherish the fact that I knew him. He deserves nothing but the best. He is really a good guy.

I feel so sad and lonely. The emptiness inside me is eating me alive. I feel like I am dead from inside. I feel helpless. I tried to use the power of positive thinking and it helped me but sometimes it doesn’t. I didn’t choose to be like this and yet I have to bare everything that happens to me like a curse. I am hurt and confused. I need help, seriously I do.

Nowadays, he enters to our office, ignores me, talk’s to my colleagues and then just leaves. Sometimes he jokes with them laugh’s so hard, make’s a lot of noise (yes sometimes near my desk) and just leaves. I know that work must be done but he comes so freakin much and I just cannot move on like this.

I feel like I am trapped and caged in my own feelings. Sometimes it feel’s like he is punishing me for loving him… or maybe he is to shy about it too? I only have wanted to love him. I miss him… I miss our little conversations, even though they are silly and sometime meaningless. I mean they don’t go beyond “Hi, how are ya, how is the work, any news, no news is good news” that kinda thing. I truly miss him. Sometimes it feels like he is as confused as me. This may be a little absurd but sometimes I get the feeling that he is attracted to guys (I mean me) but he wont admit it. Sometimes I feel sorry for both of us and the whole situation. When I see him my heart jumps out of my body and I feel that happiness has swamped me. God I love him so much. It feels like we’ve had a fight or something. He refuses to talk to me or smile when he sees me and keep ignoring me. I don’t know what I did, I don’t deserve this. He is the one who used to play cute and nice. He is the one that charmed me with his smile. He is the one who used to ask me about something regarding the work although he already knew it… and now he backs off and give me the look that says “Hey stop it, you are embarrassing both of us, what do you want from me, this will never happen… only in your dreams, stay away from me, OK you’re busted, you are gay… shame on you”.

I am sick of chasing him like a dog or analyzing his body language or his looks or words. I have to have my own dignity and pride too. I’m a good looking guy (at least I think so), I am smart, well educated, very ambitious and a very determined person. Why do I always have to do the action…why? I am just sick of playing that role, all I ever wanted is to have a relationship… a decent healthy relationship with all the total package. I just have wanted to love him… sorry I am not mad at him… I am just devastated with myself.

Its been two days and I am emotionally drained, extremely depressed and feel very exhausted. Yesterday the signs of being very exhausted and sadness showed on my face. I tried to pretend that I am OK, but my colleagues asked me what is going on… the answer of course was that I am fine. At the night I tried to sleep and I couldn’t… my chest was burning and I felt that something was choking me. I didn’t go to work for two days… spend most of time just sleeping on the bed… have felt lifeless, depressed, don’t wanna do any kind of activity… not even showering or eating… I felt like a corpse. To be honest I didn’t want to see him as I needed some time out. I cannot take it anymore…I mean the ignoring thing.

As consequences of his actions I just cannot look at him, talk with or even step into his office. Or make any kind of conversation at all. I feel ashamed of myself now.

Please no cheesy comments: I am under a tremendous pressure and stress, depressed, frustrated, lost, insecure, devastated and my heart is broken. Have some mercy on me.

Since I cannot talk with him directly or tell him how I feel, I just would like to say to him the following:
– I am sorry if I ever bothered you in anyway.
– Please don’t forget about me.
– I love you so much.
– Knowing you has been an honor and such a great gift that I will appreciate for the rest of my life.

Thanks all for reading this. I am sorry that I have written so much but I just wanted to do something and let it all out and get it off my chest.

Regards,

Broken Lonely Heart.

Hi and thanks for taking the time and writing in with your questions and concerns. We really do feel your pain, your passion and frustration of your current situation and hope that by writing you can start to feel better about yourself soon. We’d like to think that there will be some compassionate responses to your letter and so, dear QC readers, what tips and advice can you offer? Have you been in a similar situation to this before and, if so, how did you resolve it? If you can help in any way, then please share your wisdom and advice for all in the QComments section!
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