Doc. Feel
I’m finally back. Wow, what an exhausting couple months eh? Thanksgiving then Christmas then New Years then my birthday…WHEW, too much! I’m glad to be back and I hope all of you had a great holiday season. It is a new year and with 2007, I wish all of us the best of health both physically and emotionally. Thank all of you fans who sent Christmas, New Years and birthday E-cards. You all are the best!
Doc Feel,
What is your opinion of New Years Resolutions?
Already Failing
Dear AF,
To be honest with you, I don’t take stock in NY resolutions. I think they are a sure way of setting oneself up for failure. Why do that? Why start the year out with “usually” unrealistic goals that end up with you feeling like you failed at something that you started for what reason? If it needs to be done, then you should be doing it without the silliness of annual encouragement. I generally believe that if people want something badly enough then they need to work toward those goals realistically. NY resolutions are most often unrealistic goals that people set for the simple fact they get to cop out by saying, “I didn’t stick to it.”
Doc.
Dear Doctor Feel...
Thanks for taking your time to read this letter.. I'm sorry if my English isn't that good...Anyways... I'm a 19 years-old guy, I would describe myself as a very outgoing and friendly kind of person... and I'm ok with the fact of me being gay... slowly I've been coming out with my friends (not yet with my family) most of them are ok with it... but my problem is that I feel very intimidated when it comes to flirting with another guy. I can't even do the eye stuff... you know, starring at him - he starring at me... I haven't even got a date with a guy... And I'm dying to, cause I know I could if I had the guts to do it...but for some reason I’m scared!...
Do you have any suggestions of what I could do to just get ripped from this problem???
Thank you...
Shy guy
Dear SG,
Going on that first date is never easy for anyone. Many guys never get over it and into our 30’s, 40’s, 50’s etc it can be intimidating. I suggest you talk to you friends about being to shy to go out with someone or flirt. Do some group dating. That friends going out together and if you meet or know a guy you want to see, then ask them to go on a group date one or two times until you feel ok enough to go it alone. It is very ok and even endearing that you are shy. It would be perfectly ok for you to tell the guys you are very nervous and or shy. Being honest is never a bad trait. Many people use the phone, email and/or instant messaging to get to know someone before they actually go on a date.
Good Luck,
Doc.
Hello Doc,
I'm a 49 year old gay man, over the last 4 years I have faced two major illnesses. The first being throat cancer which has left me unable to speak and then kidney failure. I am on home dialysis so I am able to get out and about but I have to plan. Because of the cancer I have to wait for at least another year before I can get on the transplant list. I can no longer work. I have a very supportive family and my partner of 27 years is right by my side and I do know how lucky I am but.....I still feel alone way to much of the time.
I had lost most of my oldest friends to aids before I fell ill, still others to old age and life. I have other younger friends but honestly I just can't seem to find a deep connection to them. Also because of being sick with two illnesses, I wasn't around a lot and people move on to other things and life goes on and you just don't fit anymore. Money is also an issue, being sick costs a lot and I don't have the extra cash I once did. So I can't do all the things I once did.
I miss going out and I have tried but its hard to meet people when you don't speak and I have been told that I really don't belong out there any more. There are a few groups around but I don't seem to fit in there either.
Is it me Doc? Am I looking for something that doesn't exist, am I looking for too much? How do I get back out there and get involved in something. I need to feel like I am a part of something worth while again and I miss being around and interacting with gay people.
Blue In Virginia
Dear BIV,
All those people you have lost, do you miss them? Is there a void where they once were? Of course there is. So yes my friend you do have a place and a purpose. Are any of us looking for something that doesn’t exist? You have been dealt a rough hand, but you are still here and I’m sure your family and partner are so grateful for that. I can understand your need to feel “a part” of something and you need to figure out what that is. You are a 49 year old survivor of two major illnesses and a gay man with a partner of 27 years. You are an inspiration! Just because you do not speak doesn’t mean you don’t have a story to tell and wisdom to bestow. Use what you have, what you have been through and what you have learned and change the world.
I recently learned that changing the world doesn’t mean saving a mass of people, it starts by helping at least one person which in turn helps another and another and inspires change that can’t be imagined. Through all of the miracles, the person you change the most is yourself. In 3 paragraphs of your letter I can feel the experience and strength in your life. Touch others with that and you’ll soon be wondering where the time alone went. You started with this letter so please continue and let many others know what you have to say, I promise it is worth hearing.
Doc. Feel
Dear Doc,
I'm looking to get some, now before you discard this, hear me out. I've been in a monogamous relationship for close to 10 years now. My partner and I have a condo, pets, vehicles, and all the trappings of a good D.I.N.K. lifestyle. The only problem is no sex. At best every week or two a handjob and if I'm really lucky we have sex sometime in the month. However, there have been stretches of WEEKS where neither has happened, at all. Most nights, he'll throw an arm over me as we sleep, or maybe a cop a feel before he drifts off to sleep. I know this isn't due to lack of sleep, work, or any of the typical external influences as we work the same hours and our jobs are roughly equivalent. And I know that he likes sex, and has no problem getting off as he masturbates at least every 2 days. I feel like he's just flat out replaced me with his hand and online porn in the form of videos, and showing off on his webcam.
Our sex life used to be good when we first met, 3-4 times a week then after a year or two it slowed down to 1-2 times a week then 1-2 times every two weeks, until the present when it's 1-2 times a month. I'm frustrated Doc, jacking myself off now feels like a chore rather than something to "tide me over" until we have sex again. I've tried toys, both on him and myself, spoke to him about counseling, but as he doesn't see anything wrong (other than with me as I don't like to jack-off anymore) that went nowhere fast, and now, now I'm just fed up. I don't want to go outside our relationship to find what I want, but I feel as if I'm left with very little alternative. I don't want to say that to him as I feel that's just blackmail, "Have sex with me or I'll find someone who will!". Where does that leave me Doc? Get a gay divorce and cite lack of relations, speak to him about an "open" relationship, or just go find some on my own and never breathe a word about it to anyone? I'm tired of thinking about this, stressed that I don't know what to do about this, and want to get laid by the man I love. Is there any solution to this Doc?
Signed,
Frustrated
Dear Frustrated,
There is a solution. You need to sit him down and tell him all of this straight out and let him know it is ruining the relationship/marriage and make it clear that his ignoring the issue or denying the issue will no longer be tolerated. You need to decide for you what you will and wont settle for and what outcome you can handle whether it be divorce, separation, counseling, open relationship or continuing on as you are now before you ever open this box with him. Do not settle or back down and follow through. Your happiness is just as worthy as his and you shouldn’t have to be miserable simply because your husband has a big case of denial.
Get Lucky,
Doc.
Anonymous Letter,
I am gay, but I don't want to be gay. How can I change? How can I turn straight?
Dear Gay,
You can’t. I wish I were an NBA star, but I’m not. My best friend wishes he could date Ryan Carnes, but he isn’t. My friend Mar wishes she could cure ADHD, but she hasn’t. We are who we are and unless you have a personality flaw that you want to change, you are out of luck.
I won’t deny there are groups out there who CLAIM to change men from gay to straight, but professionally they are NOT endorsed and personally I think you have a better chance of growing wings than using an EX-GAY cult. I think it would be healthier for you to ask yourself why you dislike yourself so much and begin working from there. Being gay is a part of who we are, it doesn’t define us.
Doc.
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Happy Holidays everyone! Well, it’s the time of year when I, like most of you I am sure, have NO time. I will be returning to questions and answers next week, for I am sure there will be plenty of holiday drama for people to write me about, but this week, I’m just going to fill everyone in on what I have been up to lately. I receive 20-30 letters a week asking about my life, so I thought I would let you in on some of it. I hope I do not bore you to tears.
This month has been a very busy one for me. It seems we don’t even get past Thanksgiving without Christmas hitting. I have come to the conclusion that the holiday season now begins on Nov 1st and lasts until Jan 2nd. Don’t get me wrong. I love the holidays, especially with the boys, but my mad-organizational skills and my anal retention with my data planner, cell phone and calendar get very overworked during this extended holiday season. Fa-la-la-la-la. I need to thank my best friend Anthony for getting me back into the constant usage of cell phones. I have a nature to avoid phones like the plague, but to the cheers of my boys and friends, Anth has brought my love of texting and voicemail back! Hell, I even have 3 distinct ringtones now- Josh Groban O’Holy Night, TSO Christmas Cannon and Sarah McLachlan’s Ordinary Day from Charlotte’s Web.
In the last 3 weeks, the boys have went on Christmas Break from college, I went to Huntington WV for the premiere of We Are Marshall and sat in the same Keith-Albee Theatre as Matthew McConaughey and Matthew Fox and walked the “green carpet.” My Hollywood moment. Very interesting indeed. Tickets were expensive, but much worth it. The movie is absolutely AMAZING. I recommend it to everyone. It had me intrigued and touched me deeply. I see MANY awards coming out of this movie. Both my boys met Fox and McConaughey and liked them both, but found McConaughey more “down-to-Earth.”
I have worked tirelessly with the rest of the QC Team on Hope4Family.org and though it has been rough and tiring and at times highly emotional and draining, it has offered me the best of Christmas spirit and hope that people can and do make changes in others' lives that will remain forever emblazoned on their souls. I think the simplest of Gods plan is for us all to act in this way toward others. Always paying it forward.
I have been to the boys concerts at their colleges for band concert, jazz concerts etc. Then the 2-3 day shopping trips they drag me on. UGH! I like shopping, but prefer doing it from online…lol It is always fun watching the boys tear up the malls though. Reminds me of when I was their age and just watching them laugh and joke back and forth along with endless bad humor between brothers it warms the heart. I hate admitting it, but I still love Christmas morning watching them open their gifts and getting all surprised and laughing and smiling and just basically flipping out over their loot for the day. I also like the long evenings of watching TV, going to movies and spending time catching up on all their antics.
The worst part of this holiday hit last week when I got a subpoena that I had to be in court from today (21st-Jan 2nd) as a Federal witness against some tragic fools criminality. Trust me, there is nothing more boring than sitting through a federal court case. So with the holidays, the boys, family, work, the Hope4Family and court, I haven’t had much time for anything else. My best bud Anth and I were gonna take the boys to NYC to see Les Miserables and be at Times Square for New Years Eve, but now with this court craaaaappp, that’s out. Fa-la-la-la-la
This weekend ends the Hope4Family.org and I shall be spending time out singing with a rather large group of carolers that the boys have asked me to attend and then a group of instrumentalists are performing. About 65 of them and I agreed to play trumpet with them, so with those and family and Christmas Monday, I’ll need 12 days of sleeping.
All of you keep smiling, keep that holiday cheer flowing and remember to enjoy every holiday to the fullest. We never know when it could be our last or someone who is very close to us.
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Dear Dr. Feel
Hope you are well, thank you ever so much for helping zillions of people all around the world with your perfect insight and awesome advice. Please (on your own time) answer me just one question: based on the short description below, can he be gay/bi/curious or otherwise?
I have a huge 'hidden' crush on my housemate since he moved in almost two years ago. He's a 5.6 young professional football player whom I would describe as being 300% str8 as for his interests seem to be only sports, beers, m8s and ... yes ... women. He doesn't have a gf, and he doesn't plan on having one due to his hectic lifestyle, I suppose. He only has short term rels or nsa-str8- sex, and mind you, all his girls are simply stunning!!! I suspect that he knows how much I feel for him, as he always gets the best of me, at any single bloody time...even though whether it's due to a professional tour or short breaks hols, he's never around much.
He knows I'm bisexual, and he's been OK with that since the beginning. Whether he senses I 'shiver' every time I see him walking around the house only in his boxers shorts, or when I catch him stretching himself out, posing that big, huge, strong and long lasting boner... I simply don't know.
I'm so sorry, dear Dr. Feel, I seem to have diverted the plot, so, here I am (almost faintly) back to my question:
Would a fully straight manly and gorgeous bloke, go out on with a flamboyant gay guy he met at work, to a rough gay venue (where all the men have their tops off), even though the excuse has been... 'now was planned, too much to drink, nowhere else was open to go to' ...kinda like... specially when I'm here 'always and anytime' for him?
Thank you so much.
Dear Bloke,
You know the answer. He isn’t gay, you are in lust and pulling the age-old sin of hoping that if you WANT him enough or LOVE him enough he’ll turn gay for you. Setting yourself up for heartache my friend.
Doc.
Dear Doc Feel,
Firstly, I would like to express my gratitude to what you do. As many have said before, this may be their only "release valve" of their problems.
So, I've known or accepted over time, that there could be a big chance I could be gay, I didn't want to try to find out, maybe because I was afraid of what I would actually find, or maybe I was afraid of the consequences, I don't really know...I tried a relationship with a girl, but I didn't find it interesting, and obviously, was afraid of moving forward and actually getting to the sex part, because, if I was really gay, then I wouldn't be the only one to notice it. I've accepted that being gay is probably the only way I will ever be truly happy, and even with that on the board, I still don't know what to do... should I come out? shouldn't I?
The thing that pushed me remarkably closer to the edge happened not long ago. I was sitting for an international English test (Cambridge fce). The first day of the exam, I arrived somewhat late to the examination room, so obviously, everyone noticed me, but I immediately noticed a couple of eyes piercing me. An incredibly beautiful boy was looking at me, and not only when I came in, but also the rest of the several hours the test lasted. I'm terrible at eye-play (yeah... whatever it is called) so I didn't know what to do. That night something happened to me that hadn't happened before, I was happy and excited, and was looking forward to the following day.
And it happened again, the whole second part of the test we spent looking at each other (in turns though) and only once our eyes met, and he smiled when that happened. I couldn't believe it, it was the chance of my life. Of course, I didn't do anything, I was too afraid of what might happen, and besides, I took the test with two friends. It's been a week and I haven't seen him since then. It just kills me that I blew that incredible chance, maybe the one chance, because of being afraid... What should I do??? I'm sorry for the length of the letter, but I just had to let it out, I'm incredibly sorry for the trouble and the selfishness this means...
Mau
Dear Mau,
Find out who he is and get in contact with him. What have you got to lose by inviting him to dinner or a movie? You are already regretting not asking him out, so why spend your life wondering what could have been when you could just find out.
Hopeful For You,
Doc.
Dear Doc,
I’m hoping to get your opinion on something. My friends and I whom I’ve told this to came to the same conclusion. And I’m curious to see what you have to say about this.
Two months ago, this guy I’ve been dating for the past six months broke-up with me. Unfortunately, I fell in love with him, and thus had a harder dealing with it. I did the usual crying and reasoning, but bottom line: he wasn’t feeling it (don’t ask me what “it” is, since he didn’t/couldn’t/wouldn’t tell me), but wanted everything between us to remain the same, minus the dating and the sex. I was thorn between wanting to have him close to me, and not having in my life at all. I decided to take some time and recover first before making any kind of decision.
This was a month before Thanksgiving, and during that time, he left voice messages and sent emails every few days. The messages and emails were always the same: asking how I was doing, and him going on about what he’s been up to.
After a few of those and me not responding to any of them, he dropped by my place unexpectedly with a cutting board I’ve been looking to buy and a few grocery items I generally have him pick up whenever he’s grocery shopping. As sweet and nice as a person he is, I still thought it was a strange gesture. He said he knew these were the things I wanted, and he just decided to get them for me. I asked him if he gets things for all his friends just because they mentioned wanting them, and he said “no.” Personally, I felt he was just trying to do something to appease whatever guilt he may have for the break-up. The following week, he invited me to spend Thanksgiving with him and his family, none of whom I’ve ever met. Me being the love struck fool that I was, accepted the invite and a nice time was had by all.
The Sunday after Thanksgiving however, everything got shot to hell. We went to see a movie and after that, we got into a huge argument in his car that lasted 30 to 45 minutes (the first real big argument we’ve ever had), and ended with me slamming his car door in his face. I sent an apology email the next day, but his reply was curt, and said he’ll be taking some time off from me, because my behavior the night before was unacceptable, and equated the length of the argument to me holding him against his will.
I figured that was just the kick I needed to really start getting over him and the relationship. However, a few hours later, I got another email, this time thanking me for the thank you card I sent to him for inviting me to Thanksgiving. In it, he mentioned something about making soup from the Thanksgiving leftovers and he hopes we can get together to have some together over a DVD in the future. Less than a week later, I got an invite to his holiday party. And two days after that, I got a thank you card from him, this time for the gifts I brought over for inviting me to Thanksgiving, and in it, he hopes we “can talk more and have fun together.”
The conclusion is that he’s just an insensitive jerk with no regards to my feelings, who basically wants his cake and eat it too. Either that, or he’s just somehow not in touch with his feelings. This might or might not be an indicator of his behavior, but he’s 47 and the longest relationship he ever had lasted one year. Well, not even, since he said it should have ended months before. Yes, I know it’s a big red flag right there, but I chose to ignore it because I liked him. If I could have turned off my feelings for him, I wouldn’t be in this pickle right now, but try as I might, I can’t control who I like (and unfortunately, love).
Am I wrong in thinking this? Am I overanalyzing the whole situation? Is it the norm to break-up with someone and still continue doing nice things for him? I’m 32, and my last relationship (3 years ago) lasted six years, so I don’t think it’s a case of trying to snag the first guy that showed me any interest.
Any insight would be appreciated.
Confused
Dear Confused,
Reading the mind and actions of another is not an easy thing for most humans. I suggest instead of concentrating on his “behavior(s)” that you focus on what is best for you. How do you feel? What have you concluded about the “red flags” and “behaviors?’ Why is it hard for you to let go and accept that people do not HAVE to give a reason to end a dating relationship? It isn’t a legal requirement. People are allowed to decide that a relationship with another is something they just do not wish to pursue without explanation. Is it the right thing to do? Depends who you ask. Does it leave many questions? Absolutely!
Read your letter to me a couple times and recognize that within your own writing you have expressed that this relationship was not stable and that this man does not know what he wants and leaves confusion in his wake. That does not appear to be something you are comfortable with and you DO NOT have to remain friends with him or have any type of relationship. Life is too short to allow others to confuse our hearts and leave us dazed. Move on and one day maybe he’ll become aware and decisive.
All The Best,
Doc.
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Welcome to QueerClicks WEEKLY edition called BitchFest 2006!! It appears so many of you have so much stuff you need to get off your chest with a sounding board. So here is your chance. Each week QC will give you a topic or theme and you can sound off about it all you want. We want to hear your gripes, complaints and sounding off about your life, but we do ask you follow these simple guidelines:
I. Stick to the Theme/Topic
II. DO NOT bash others for their sounding off.
III. Leave comments and bitches in the COMMENT SECTION.
Here is this weeks topic: Are children better with a mother and a father or two gay fathers or two gay mothers?
We’re very interested in your thoughts. As of this story:
Stefano Gabbana (left), one half of the formerly-a-couple fashion duo Dolce & Gabbana, has told an Italian newspaper he wants a child with a woman because he believes a child should not be raised by same-sex parents:
"My dream is to have a baby, not to adopt one because I am not up to it and I don't feel strong enough. I want my own child, a biological child, the fruit of my sperm, conceived through artificial insemination because it wouldn't make sense for me to make love to a woman I don't love. The person I love today is my partner so I am looking for a civilised and refined woman. A week ago I asked a dear friend of mine, who is twelve years younger than me, if she would help. I asked her 'Would you like to be the mother of my child ?' She was left a bit shocked and the following day telephoned and said she was still shocked but thought it was a great idea. I am opposed to the idea of a child growing up with two gay parents. A child needs a mother and a father. I could not imagine my childhood without my mother. I also believe that it is cruel to take a baby away from its mother."
He also commented on his split from his designing partner Domenico Dolce:
"It was a real shock, a body blow. What surprises me is how we have overcome this traumatic breakup which is just the same for any couple if they are gay or hetero. We are still together because what we had was a great love story. I have a relationship with someone else know but Domenico will always be the most important person in my life. Intelligently we have managed to remain good friends and accomplices. Instead of the business splitting we have continued to work and will continue to work together. It's been difficult but we managed it."
Please feel free to also comment in the comment section.
Doc. Feel On MySpace
Doc,
I believe I know what the right answers are, but I need a professionals POV. My bf and I have been together for a year as of November 26th. I am out and he is too except to his family. We live 400 miles away from his family and everyone here that knows us know we are gay and coupled. I am a Christian and I do NOT lie. I am a highly involved in our church and our church knows about us, accepts and loves us and with my involvement with the church I am have become well known in our city, community and worked hard to build a solid reputable life.
I do not agree that my bf has kept this secret from his family, but respect his decision. He has told them we are “best friends” and roommates and a plethora of fibs to cover his story. Here is the problem, he has invited his parents, grandparents and two siblings (teenagers) to our home for Christmas. This would mean a couple days. He told me after the invitation was given and so I don’t predispose you to my feelings, I would like to hear your thoughts.
Thank You,
Uh HO HO HO
Dear UHHH,
He has completely stepped over the boundaries. In the best of relationships, inviting an entire family without first discussing it with the partner would be unacceptable. This puts you in a position of either lying, which goes against your standard of morality, removing yourself from the holiday and home until they depart, telling your partner that he must either be honest with them or notifying him that you will not lie to them and take part in his deception.
His asking any of that from you, except his choosing to be honest, is completely wrong, unacceptable and I would not stand for it. I sense your knowledge that doing anything but being honest would go against your principals of morality and for that I commend you.
Doc. Feel
D Feel,
My LT partner has a teenage son that spends summers and holidays with us. He is obnoxious, rude, manipulative and I do not like him what so ever. How can I tell my LTP that I do not want his son around anymore? I’ve had it.
DONE
Dear Done,
I suggest you rethink your position or hit the road! That is his SON! Boyfriends and partners are interchangeable, but children are not. You have every right to express your concern for the boys behavior, you have every right to insist the father do something about his behavior, but you never have the right to try to force a separation between child and parent. If you force this, the choice would not be you.
Doc. Feel
Doc. Feel,
I saw a posting on a MySpace page about QueerClick’s effort to help that family in trouble. I cried, I thought about my own children, my fortunate position and thanked god that even an adult site can recognize that sometimes people have to take charge to get something done. I have sent in money, I know it isn’t nearly enough to do what needs to be done, but every little bit helps. To everyone at Queer Click and those who are helping I say to you God Bless Ye Merry Gentlemen and to those who have not donated yet I say
Said the shepherd boy to the mighty king:
Do you know what I know?
In your palace warm, mighty king,
Do you know what I know?
A Child, a Child (Ricky)
Shivers in the cold,
Let us bring Him silver and gold.
God Bless,
Stephen
Dear Stephen,
Wow, thank you, that really touched me. I’m speechless and very emotional with this topic so your words are very appreciated.
Doc.
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Known as “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year,” Christmas and the holiday season aren’t always as jolly, merry and welcoming for the GLBT community. The holidays can be exceptionally stressful for our community for varying reasons. Often the lack of acceptance, feeling isolated from family, stress, people dealing with addiction and or recovery along with depression lead to a very blue-holiday season.
Doc. Feel, are the holiday seasons abnormally stressful for those in the GLBT community?
Sadly, that is most often the case. As a minority group, we don’t have the assurance of family support. Having a boyfriend/partner etc is wonderful, but if your biological family doesn’t or barely accepts you then it changes everything. It is common that biological families make comments about us not bringing our sexuality or significant other home. Many in our community feel they have to choose between their lives they have created apart from their biological families or return home to their biological families to only hide, or feel repressed by their families dark shadow of disapproval. This stress is owned and completely encompasses our group of GLBT community.
Doc. Feel, how do you think we should deal with this stress?
Many GLBT people have loving relationships, families that love them or celebrate their love, but many do not. For those that do not hear me when I say to draw near to you the family of acceptance that you do have. This would include partners or friends even a few family members who love and accept you for who you are. This support can be as strong as any biological family.
Choosing to spend time with your biological family should never limit your choices. Remember you have built a life and a home of your own and their home and life isn’t yours.
You decide how long you are going to visit. Whether it be a short day visit, or an overnight visit, leave yourself options. If it can’t be a day visit maybe you could arrange to stay with a friend or family member who accepts you for you. Don’t be afraid to make hotel reservations for the respite. Don’t spend your entire time with family, especially if they are not in tune with your life. Talk to friends or partners on the phone, make lunch dates with friends, anything to break up the overwhelming long stay with your family.
Now, comes the options for leaving. You can decide to confront any offensive comments or feelings and let them know this is why coming “home” to you is such an ordeal. Ugly behavior can be confronted, but that has to be a personal choice. You decide if that is appropriate for your individual situation(s). Make a plan ahead of time that if familial situations begin wearing on you or become unbearable, get out. Leave the situation, you have that right.
Doc. Feel, what do GLBT individuals do if they don’t have family or partners?
Some people like alone time, some do not. If you don’t want to be alone start taking some initiative to network and make friends who may be in your situation. Invite friends together that avoid family holidays or people that are alone and make a festive holiday yourselves. Reach out at holidays and offer to host a get together for others in the same situation. You will make lasting and endearing friendships and a support system this way.
Doc. Feel, I’m in recovery and the holidays are difficult for me. I worry about relapsing. What should I do?
During this time of year support groups for recovery are very active. Make your sobriety a priority and attend more meetings for 12 step programs and support. Use your sponsor and within these groups you can plan for sober parties for the holidays. In many recovery programs and groups people are often shaky and feeling alone during the holidays. These people, like yourself, could use the support of friendship and “alikeness” of understanding. Sobriety is a priority for appropriate functioning of your life. That especially is an important issue to be aware of. You have every right and should feel completely selfish when it comes to protecting your sobriety.
All my friends, remember Christmas is ONE DAY a year. Don’t wait until this singular-holiday season to let those around you know what they mean to you, how important they are to you and that you realize their importance. Express it everyday and build your loving support systems with friends and family. Doc. Feel and QC wish each and everyone of you the very best during this holiday season. Have fun, be safe and wrap those packages!
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Email Doc. Feel: DocFeel [@] QueerClick.com
QC TEAM needs your help to make a difference! Recently, QC was contacted in regards to a family in crisis. The story broke our hearts and have forever altered our lives. This request is quite different than the normal requests that generally come in to seek advice or help from Doc. Feel. QC always helps with advice and guidance in steering people in need of help to the correct agencies and authorities. QC doesn’t offer charity because unlike Oprah, we are a small site. After a staff meeting and many hours of leg work of speaking to the Case Manager at this family’s DHHR (Dept. Health & Human Resources) QC decided to help this one time, one circumstance in which time was ticking and action had to be taken. Sit back, open your minds and hearts as we tell you the crisis a family is currently in. After you have heard the story we hope you feel moved enough to join the QC TEAM in our quest, our hope our determination to make a difference in the lives and future of this family. (All names have been changed to protect confidentiality)
Meet Ricky, a 17 year old teenager. He is handsome, athletic, intelligent and has a deep passion for family and always doing the “right” thing. Ricky, also like many gay teenagers, dreams of having a bf, a first kiss, his own bedroom, a dance, a date and Jake Gyllenhaal. He can’t have that. There isn’t any time.
Meet Chris, a 14 year old teenager. His voice is changing and he loves video games and his friends at school. He dreams of being on a baseball team or playing football. He gets to hear about his friends playing on teams and about their favorite TV shows and movies, but Chris can’t do that. He doesn’t have a TV and there is no time.
Meet Sarah and Sam, they are 10 year old twins. They look identical except for their gender. Strawberry blondes with lots of freckles. They spend all their time together and can’t imagine life without the other. Sarah dreams of being a cheerleader and going to Disneyland and though Sam likes the idea of Disneyland he wants to race cars and be an astronaut! They can’t do that. They don’t have the money or any time.
Meet Kristy, a smiley 8 year old girl who is always sniffling because she has allergies. Kristy dreams of having her own “Cinderella bedroom with lots and lots of dollies.” She also wishes her “nose wouldn’t always run.” Kristy has a slight lisp which she hates and wishes the angels would fix. Kristy’s lisp, allergies and dolls aren’t going to change because there is no money, only dreams and wishes.
Why can’t they or don’t they have what most kids have? Because their mother (43) has an (Aids related) terminal illness and isn’t likely to live much longer. She has been ill for many years and the whole family of 6 lives on less than $800.00 a month from Disability. The mother is so sickly that she can’t work and spends most of her time in a hospital bed in the home. She is holding on to her last breath in the hopes of keeping her children together. You see, Ricky at 17 takes care of his mother and his 4 siblings. He cooks, cleans, goes to school and plays mother and father to them all. This has been his role for the last several years. The 4 siblings have learned that their life isn’t like other children. Their father ran away years prior and their aunts, uncles and extended family have nothing to do with them.
This family loves one another. Despite all their grief and hardship they cherish one another and are closer than most families. They live in a 2 bedroom older home. They don’t own a TV, a car or a telephone. The mother sleeps in a hospital bed in the dining room, the twins sleep in one bedroom and Kristy and Chris share the other while Ricky sleeps on the sofa. This will be their last Christmas with their mother. If the mother dies before Ricky turns 18, then the family will become wards of the state and be split up. If Ricky turns 18 before his mothers passing, he can retain custody of his siblings with support from the state. QC has spoken with the family’s Case Manager and she is a wonderful champion of this family, but the state has guidelines (laws) to follow.
The Case Manager has been very helpful in sharing information for this attempt at helping the family and knowing the whole QC team is investing in this family’s future has given her hope for this family. Doc. Feel worked directly with the Case Manager and got the family’s heating bills covered by a special “low-income” program until the Fall of 07 when their case will be reviewed again for determination of further assistance. That is sadly only a drop in the bucket for this family. We aren’t ashamed to admit we have shed tears for this family.
This is where Team QC comes to you and appeals to your power, your giving, your heart. We are setting up a special fund for this family. This is going to be their last Christmas together with their mother so we want it to be a Christmas to remember. Not only that, but if funds and help are made possible, we would like to offer this family support for an extended period of time. This family needs everything. They don’t have proper bedding, towels, clothes, toys, food and the list goes on and on. We are asking all of you to help us to help this family. We can be their bright light of hope. As people offer help, we are going to post updates on the “helping of the family” so you can see the good work being done. Team QC just could not overlook this family, these children in this situation is unfair, unnatural and undeserving. The bravery it took for them to reach out in desperation for hope and help was astounding.
If you are interested in donating funds or anything practical you can offer with appliances, medical supplies, legal you can think of to help this family, please, please visit HOPE 4 FAMILY for more info on how to contribute. We know the QC Readers possess powers to change and make a difference, together with Team QC let’s change this heart-breaking story into a story of giving, love and miracles.
Hope4Family
(Special thanks to Aaron for hosting the site and domain)
I promise Doc. Feel Q&A will return next week as usual, but I have been working around the clock on a very-special project with Team QC. This special project will hit the site in the next day or so, so please know I haven’t forgotten you and I am still here for you.
Doc. Feel
Birth date: 05/22/1984
Birth Location: Cambridge, Ohio
Current Location: Columbus, Ohio
Height: 5’11’’
Weight: 170
Cock Size: 8’’
Shoe Size: 11
Favorite Color: black
Favorite Time Of Year: summer
Favorite TV Show: the ultimate fighter
Favorite Movie: jackass 2
Favorite Actor/Actress: will ferrel
Top/Bottom/Versatile: top
Single or Involved: involved
Celebrity Crush: never had one
Best Way For Fans To Reach You:
RCRYAN
FABSCOUT
Clips4Sale
RC, thanks for taking the time to interview with me and QC fans.
You're quite welcome.
Can you fill the fans in on what you are currently involved with and upcoming things to watch for?
Yes I have started something new. Its where fans can watch me in my own home in random home videos where I’ll eventually do things I don’t do in my work with studios. You can see it HERE
You have been on a few different sites. Can you list them and why so many different sites?
Well, I’ve been on Randy Blue, Mike Hancock, ChaosMen, MaleCorps, Active Duty, and a few magazines. I like to work for the top sites out there.
I can't decide which I think is more cute on you, the smile, the freckles or that incredible body. What seems to get people noticing you the most?
Well the first thing people notice is my hair color, Auburn. They love how it goes from red to brown depending on the weather. A red headed tan skinned Scandinavian isn’t exactly the most dominant features in people I see everyday.
How did you get into the whole porn modeling career?
By mistake actually. I started out as a model after going through modeling and acting classes. I did some work with Malecorps and moved to New York for while and since then everything’s been basically by referral, and gradually going farther each time.
What was that first time like? I know you had to be screaming in your head, what were you screaming?
Well, basically I kept thinking of all things I’ve said I’d never do, and of all things the number one on my list was having a cock in my mouth. So you could imagine what an awkward moment that was.
Explain the tattoos…
The two armband tattoos were pretty much to make a more badass look during wrestling season. The phoenix on the lower right hip was just a time I was bored and thought I needed another tattoo.
How has modeling benefited your life?
Modeling let me become independent, finally moving out of my parents house and giving me more ideas to keep me from ever working a 9 to 5 job.
What is the typical day like for you?
My day consists of waking up naturally, taking my cycle of protein, and lifting and running. I live a calm, laid back life when I’m not shooting somewhere in the world.
Biggest inspiration in life?
My biggest inspiration in life comes from the people who turn nothing into something, who make millions from dollars.
What was RC like as a little boy?
I was always very shy. In fact I didn’t date until I was 18, and never lost my v-card until last year at age 21.
Have any of your family or friends seen your work and how do they feel about it?
Everybody including family and friends. It was shocking at first, but to the family it has died down, to the friends, it never did.
Pick a celebrity both male and female you would love to do a scene with.
Hmm, my decision would be based solely on who would help generate the most income. Angelina Jolie being one of the worlds best looking women, or Brad Pitt being a clean image.
What is the most awkward moment you have experienced while doing a scene?
Well awkward moments come very often in this business, and usually are due to uncomfortable positions.
What does Thanksgiving mean to you? Do you get together with family?
Until age 19 thanksgiving always meant I get to starve and watch everyone else eat. Cutting up to 20 pounds for wrestling was something I had to do around thanksgiving.
A night alone finds RC doing what?
Oh I have a lot of those, I rent movies a lot, and I watch a lot of porn on the internet. Any studio who has shot with me knows I have a lot of porn…lol
If you could change two things in the history of the world they would be?
Whomever contributed to the development of Ohio Law would be excluded from any say in it. Also, who ever decided that you need 4 years of useless information in order to attain a bachelors’ degree should be responsible for part of the cost. I mean since when would I need a class on trigonometry to be an insurance adjuster.
The famous QC question. RC, what makes you CLICK?
I love porn, and the feeling that I may get caught. If I feel like I’m going to be caught, I get off quick.
QC and I would like to thank Caleb Carter and RC for this Thanksgiving Twosome Treat. Have a safe and happy Thanksgiving and remember, an extra slice of pie won’t hurt this one time!
Previously on QC:
RC at RandyBlue.com
(More) RC at RandyBlue.com
More of RC at ChaosMen
RC sucks dick at MikeHancock
Birth date:
10-9-80's
Birth Location:
Southern Cali
Current Location:
So Cal
Height:
6'1
Weight:
165
Cock Size:
8"
Shoe Size:
11
Favorite Color:
I really would not know. I like lots of colors. I use to say Orange just cause I felt bad no one else liked it.
Favorite Time Of Year:
Summer, God I hate hate the cold.
Favorite TV Show:
Drawn Together, funny as shit!
Favorite Movie:
Oh god.....I am a HUGE movie buff that is like asking a parent who their favorite child is. Goodness. Um...... I guess I would have to say "Fall" its amazing very NYC.
Favorite Actor/Actress:
Kathy Bates is amazing.
Top/Bottom/Versatile:
Bottom Bitch. God and I need a good porking soon. its been soooooo long.
Single or Involved:
Single. I am hella picky. I miss my ex to much I guess.
Celebrity Crush:
Paul Walker! Uffdah!
Best Way For Fans To Reach You:
My email, web site or myspace.
Caleb, I know you are a very busy guy, thanks for taking the time to interview with me and QC fans.
Not a problem at all. My fans are very important to me so I always love doing these interviews. I don't have a lot of time to answer all my emails I get so I think this is a good way for my fans to stay on top of what I am doing.
You have many projects going on right now, can you fill the fans in on what you are currently involved with and upcoming things to watch for?
I am in the process of producing my own porn movie. Its kind of taking up 90% of my time. Finding models is the hard part. I am going very Corbin Fisher in what I am looking for. I also have my web site I am working on and a T-shirt line coming out next year. God as well as working with the independent film company 'In the Pink'. Our first movie will be in Blockbuster on November 21st. Sheesh I forgot how busy I was.
Your career from your first Chi Chi movie has steamrolled. Is it overwhelming? Exciting? How does it feel?
Lordy! Its amazingly overwhelming! But I love it to death. Chi Chi is so amazing and she really has given me this fabulous career. I have her to thank for everything!
Can you list your movies for the fans?
"Dorm Days" - Unzipped, "Never Been Touched" - Rascal, "Sex with Strangers" - All Worlds, "Friends with Benefits" - Rad Video, "Inn over his head" - Adonis, "AMG Resurrection" - AMG, "Bully" - DV8, "Dick's Of Hazzard" -EON
I got the pleasure recently to read some of your writing which was very emotional. Did it come from personal muse or imagination?
It is actually part of a HUGE novel I am writing. But yes it is also something very personal that I went threw with my last boyfriend Mike Hunt, who was in a video with me. "Ball Jocks". I still can not bring my self to watch that video.
Is writing cathartic for you?
Yes. It is something I have been doing since I was 12. Stories tend to just flow out of me. It's bad sometimes because someone will be talking to me and I will get bored so I will start telling my self stories in my head. Then they will ask me a question and I will just go blank on what they are talking about.
I see you are going to be on MTV on Nov 21st. True Life: I Am Gay…Can you tell the fans about it? How did you get involved?
I had already done one show for MTV's Parental Control. My episode did so well that they asked me to do more work. So I let them follow me and this guy I was dating around for a few months. It started out as my own show. But I finally realized I was in the relationship on a rebound from Mike Hunt. So I cut the show and they made it into a True Life. It's called True Life: "I am gay". But when you see my part it is more like True Life: "I am drunk". LOL I was just somewhere else at that point in my life. Broken hearts are never cute on TV. But I am sober now.
What is the typical day like for you?
I get up........um take a shower. Then sit on line allllllll day and look for models for my site. Then my roomy comes home and we go jogging. Then I go to bed. Yeah I am boring. WOW.
Biggest inspiration in life?
The book Dream Boy, by Jim Grimsley. So much of my life really is just absorbed around that book. I have bought and given over 200 copies. I am like Mel Gibson in "Conspiracy Theory" anytime I am in a book store and they have it I have to buy it and give it to someone in my life very close to me. Because of that book I came out, learned to love, started writing again, and found peace with letting go.
What was Caleb like as a little boy?
Shy.....Super Duper SHY! A year before I filmed with Chi Chi I was still wearing a shirt in the pool. God and a dork! I raised and showed dairy goats at county fairs.
If you could pick 4 male celebrities to have a 4orgy with who would they be and why?
I would not pick 4. I don't enjoy group sex. I am way way to selfish when it comes to having sex. I am a Libra that is the way we are. And everything it says about Libra's is 100% me.
Your worst nightmare?
Growing old alone.
Worst experience in porn to date?
I would really rather not say. I am trying to learn to be humble and not bad mouth porn directors. But you can put it this way. If I did not mention your movie in the "What movies have you been in" part. I probably didn't like working with you. Most directors would never know I hated working with them. Because I do everything everyone asks me. It's not till I get in my car and start driving home that I call my friends and cry about it.
In a perfect world, what would your idea of the perfect Thanksgiving be?
Me cooking the dinner! God I love to cook. Tons and Tons of Pumpkin pie and then sitting around and watching "Gone With the Wind"!
Can you name 3 things you think are essential for helping GLBT youth?
Reading the book "Rainbow boys", Take kick boxing to protect your self and tone up, and don't give it up you V card till your 21 and know what the fuck you are really doing. God I wish I could save so many kids from having sex before they are really ready. I waited till I was 20.
Caleb, I've always believed the best-looking men are the ones who are most natural. Many people believe that porn stars should always have the perfect face, the perfect body etc. What are your thoughts on this?
Everyone has seen the picture of me that says "I will never be Roman Heart", First off I just wanna say that I was not dissing Roman. I love him, he is great. I was on the other hand dissing everyone telling me to muscle up so I could be a HUGE porn star. I am skinny and I have curves (my hips are wide). I am not gonna be a gym bunny. I have worked my ass off to give my self a name in porn. People know who I am and it's not because I am a Falcon model. It's because I am real. I hope people can respect that and still want to see me in movies.
The porn industry can be very difficult and fans, directors and critics turn on a dime. How do you keep a positive outlook?
I don't. I won't lie. I have laid on my floor and bawled because of things people say to me or about me. JC Adams and Jason Sechrest can both tell you that, I call them crying all the time. There are days when I wanna give up and I don't know if anyone remembers I am still out there. But in the long run I am a fighter. Everyone who has worked with me will tell you that I am one of a kind. My fans see it and people around me see it. So I pull my self up off the floor eat a large pizza all to my self and say fuck it! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I AM CALEB MOTHER FUCKIN CARTER! Then smile.
Do you have plans for Thanksgiving and Christmas with family and friends?
I spend the day with my family then the evening with friends. I have been blessed with some amazing friends this year who are real and not around me for the name but around me for the farting contests! LOL
Is there anything you would like the fans to know we haven't covered in this interview?
Ummm.....I sleep with 2 stuffed animals. A cow and a Care Bear. that's pretty gay. But truth is I am so not very gay. HAHAHA I love mud, I love beer, I love farting, I love talking about cars, and I love sitting around in wrinkled clothes.
The famous QC question. Caleb, what makes you CLICK?
Lazy days when its raining outside. A Paul Walker look-a-like nappin on the couch and me in the kitchen cooking. I don't need much in life, just some lovin'. I have become possessed southern woman I think
Wow, just 2 weeks until Thanksgiving! Lord, I love this time of year. The days seem shorter, the nights longer and everyone is busy shopping, making plans for visits and dinners and the overall attitude of everyone seems so much happier. I look forward to the boys coming home on Thanksgiving break and having all my family and loved ones around me. I know the boys look forward to sleeping in, not doing homework or studying. They get a chance to reconnect with family and friends and then only head back to college for a few weeks before Christmas break begins. I look forward to the laughs, the overindulging in food, food and more food. The smell of turkey, dressing and pumpkin pies. I even look forward to their messes and dirty laundry that I’ll end up washing. The laughter of watching them sit around viewing movies, taking them to see all the fabulous movies that come out during the holidays and a parents favorite past time of sitting back noticing how much they have changed and grown and appreciating their very existence.
Sadly, this time of year is also a painful and lonely time for many. For some, this time of year means financial woes, for others this time of year means colder weather without any shelter. Many don’t have any food, homes or way to give their children and families a Thanksgiving feast and celebration of family and friends. Some people have lost loved ones either by death, divorce or break ups and this time of year can bring out the depression at very-high levels.
For those of you, like myself who are blessed with comfort of family, friends and home take a few moments to think of those who surround us who aren’t as blessed or happy this time of year. If someone you know seems depressed, do your part to invite them to be a part of something, be a friend. Donate some food, money or time to shelters and food banks. It doesn’t have to be HUGE amounts, all the little amounts add up and every bit helps. If you know of a family that is less fortunate, buy them a turkey and some “fixins” and leave it on their doorstep. Leave blankets for the homeless and those who are cold. It will help you sleep better at night and the holidays become 20 times better. I know it always works for me.
Doc Feel-
Well, you were right. I was in for a homerun and things have been absolutely wonderful for the past few months. However, last week he was diagnosed with HIV. He wants me to leave him and he wants to protect me by pushing me away, but I see no reason that we still can't be together. I want to be there for him - through thick and thin. I love him, and I can honestly say that the happiness I've experienced with him is changing my life. He makes me feel complete, and the last thing I want is to lose him. He tells me that he must not deserve to be happy, and that he knew that as soon as he found true happiness and someone that loved him that it would be taken away from him. But it doesn't have to be that way. I've been tested, and I'm negative. I don't want to lose him and I don't want him to push me out of his life or run away from our relationship. But I don't know what I can do besides be there, support him, and let him know that I love him unconditionally. Is there anything else I can do? How do I get through to him and help him get through this? And what do I do to get through this myself?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated,
Lost
Dear Lost,
Know exactly what the true expectations are for yourself and him. Don’t romanticize the situation and think practically and responsibly. He has taken a major blow and it will take time before he can accept this so don’t push and let it all sink in. Love is standing beside someone, respecting them and allowing them the space they need to deal with a personal tragedy. Give him that. Let him know your love hasn’t changed, but don’t make comments like:
This doesn’t change how I feel for you.
This doesn’t change us.
That you understand how he feels.
Because that isn’t true and isn’t possible. It changes everything, especially for him. His life is now forever altered. You can tell him that you are happy and willing to accept the changes and deal with whatever… come what may, BUT be sure of that yourself before you say it. Let him know you hand is there for him and wait with love until he is ready to hold it.
Find some support for yourself. I have included a couple links for you:
The Center For Aids
Gay Center
HIV SUPPORT GROUP
All My Best,
Doc.
Doc Feel,
Can someone be an alcoholic if they only drink a couple days a week?
Need To Know
Dear NTK,
It depends on the severity of their drinking. How much do they drink on those couple days?
Binge drinking is the type of problem drinking most often engaged in by young people in the 18-21 year old age range. Within this age group binge drinking is more prevalent among college students than non-students. Researchers often define binge drinking as the consumption of five or more drinks at one sitting for males and three or more drinks at one sitting for females. Binge drinkers on college campuses are more likely to damage property, have trouble with authorities, miss classes, have hangovers, and experience injuries than those who do not. Students living on campuses with high rates of binge drinking experience more incidents of assault and unwanted sexual advances than students on campuses with lower binge drinking rates.
Alcohol abuse often results in absence from, and impaired performance at, school and on the job, neglect of child care or household responsibilities, legal difficulties and alcohol consumption in physically dangerous circumstances such as while driving. Individuals who abuse alcohol may continue to drink despite the knowledge that their drinking causes them recurrent and significant social, interpersonal, or legal problems.
Alcohol dependence is a chronic and often progressive disease that includes a strong need to drink despite repeated social or interpersonal problems such as losing a job or deteriorating relationships with friends and family members . Alcohol dependence has a generally predictable course, recognizable symptoms, and is influenced by a complex interplay of genes, psychological factors such as the influence of family members and friends, and the effect of culture on drinking behavior and attitudes. Scientists are increasingly able to define and understand both the genetic and environmental factors that make an individual vulnerable to alcoholism.
Doc.
Dr. Feel,
What is your favorite Christmas song?
DF Fan
Dear DFF,
Oh my goodness, so difficult to choose just one so I’ll say a 4-way tie.
Do You Hear What I Hear?
O’Holy Night
Mary Did You Know?
What Child Is This?
You can also now catch QC’s Doc. Feel on MySpace!
Email Doc. Feel: DocFeel [@] QueerClick.com
I always get plenty of basic questions, which I answer, but I set them aside to post in grouping like this column. I am not going to include every name, but give you a sample of the types of letters and questions I get weekly in droves.
-I really like your weekly TV column why did you stop writing it?
I got busy with life and it wasn’t getting many comments so I decided to spend my time on something else.
-Do you really like Rosie O’Donnell and why?
She isn’t everyone’s cup O’tea, but she is mine. She is blunt and honest and isn’t out to please anyone. I find her very talented, warm hearted and funny.
-Do you like porn as much as we do?
Who is “we?” I like it to a degree, but not as much as some here.
-Do you have any fetishes?
I do indeed. Will I tell you?
-What is your favorite Porn Site?
CorbinFisher/BlakeMason/MenAtPlay
-Is your buddy Anthony single?
No
-Are you a happy person?
What day of the week is it? I have my good days and bad ones, but yes, I feel blessed more often than most.
-Is there someone you find attractive that you aren’t proud about stating?
Like a secret celebrity crush? Well, yes. I don’t often tell people I lust after Freddy Prince Jr. I know, shut it!
-Favorite Holiday?
I love the months of November/Dec and Jan because it links Turkey Day-Christmas-New Years and my birthday all together. The feelings of goodwill and cheer during this time of year helps make up for the other lack-luster months.
-Do you ever wish you had a daughter?
I’ve wondered what it would be like, but I have a niece who is my little princess so she fills that role. I’m blessed with two boys and that’s more than many people ever know.
-Do you have a temper?
You bet your ass I do.
-Do you always agree with QueerClicks postings like outing guys from porn sites?
I don’t ever agree with everything whether it be QC, the government, religion or a menu. What makes QC so good is that we all have input and different opinions. Our Editor respects our differences and if more people realized life isn’t about total agreement they would be a lot happier.
-Is there anyone in the porn field you don’t like?
Oh, you better believe it!
-Do you feel superior?
Only to you. **rolls eyes**
-Do you believe in love-at-first sight?
No, but I do believe in boners at 1st glance. Love is cultivated, earned and given, not a flash.
-Favorite drink?
Coca Cola
-Do you like Lesbians?
Of course I do. I just don’t fuck them.
-Do you have a kinky side?
Of course, now would you like it rough? If it hurts just bite the pillow.
You can also now catch QC’s Doc. Feel on MySpace!
Email Doc. Feel: DocFeel [@] QueerClick.com
Just dropping in to let the readers know that my regular Doc. Feel Column will be posted this weekend. My new email for letters is DocFeel [@] QueerClick.com. I have been receiving many letters at the old email and at MySpace and it would be helpful to just have them all mailed to the new address. Until this weekend I hope you all have great (mental) health and make good choices.
Howard Andrew is a Talent Agent/Scout and his job encompasses recruiting talent and then managing their careers by being the liaison between talent and porn company/director/tv/film/magazine etc. Often misunderstood, feared, loved and hated are all part of the daily world of an agent. The closest thing a porn star has to a “union rep” is his agent. Without an agent, porn stars and wannabe’s are free floaters in an open sea of sharks. In my line of work, I have heard the good, the bad and the horrific, but one thing I know is that any person trying to make it in the Adult Entertainment Industry alone and without representation is asking for confusion.
Howard, thank you so much for taking this time with me and QC. Howard you are becoming a very good friend of mine and I know you are very busy with many irons in the fire so I appreciate the time you are giving.
Howard: Doc, you have no clue, oh wait, you sorta do, you took Sebastian on a trip...now times that by 75..... it is all about working together in this business.
Howard can you give QC readers a rundown of what exactly you do in the industry, with being an Agent and with clubs etc?
Well, I try to get models work in the adult business by referring them to the right companies or websites. I walk that fine line between Actors and Studios and try to make it all work.
Finish this sentence: My favorite parts of my career and life are...
Xanax... no, I am kidding (sorta).....I love the feeling of knowing that I helped, most people that know me, understand, it isn't ALWAYS about the money, it is about making sure the models are OK and treated right, and making sure the studios have what they need.
What is on the schedule for FabScouts for the next year that people should be on the look out for?
Wow, good one... Well... Look for FabScout Live to appear and for us to work on more Live Appearances for our guys and making sure we try to have work for them.
Howard, the industry, your success, is it stressful? Does it ever become too much?
We were just talking about that the other day, I used to have a life.. I used to have time... This business isn't like a Monday thru Friday 9 to 5 type job, there are constantly "Fires" to put out, replacements to be found, last minute cast calls from coast to coast and many, many other issues.
Your inspiration in life is?
Wow... I am a people person.... I Like to help... Certainly my partner of 13+ years and my family, but I am fortunate to have a large circle of friends to bounce off my frustrations....
What motivates you with your models and why? Money is a wonderful thing and you are very successful, but there has to be a muse, a passion that makes one continue everyday…
Uhm, I truly enjoy the recognition, and being able to sit back and say "I did that", "I made that happen", Even though there is a TON of drama and jealousy, I think that my role of "Peacekeeper" is a fun role to play (I come from 20 years of RETAIL)...
Have you ever received a negative reaction from members of your family/friends for the career path you have embarked on?
No, I am a lucky guy. My Partner handles a lot, my Mom is my bookkeeper, family is very aware of what I do and very supportive, it is kind of odd to have your mom handing out your business referral cards to people at the supermarket..... She enjoys it.
How do you balance your life between family, friends, career and your hot boyfriend Gio?
Ha ha ha Balance.. tell you what, maybe you can explain that word to a workaholic. My family and friends have suffered ALOT in the past 6 months...They understand, I am trying to be Johnny Appleseed... Plant the seed and watch the business grow. (No comments on “”Planting my seed” please.)
With all the restrictions being handed down by the government in the adult industry, how has this affected you and your models and how do you feel about it?
Well I understand the regulations (2257) and AGREE to some of them. I am fortunate that I don't even OWN a video camera and have NO NUDE pics at all on my website. I am careful to have ID for all models and releases, but I don't shoot anything.
How do you feel you set yourself apart from other agents in the industry?
We have a few rules.. No Drugs, No Sex with models, no abuse. I understand what it is like to work hard for your money. We feel that models are abused badly in certain situations, and we try to be sure our guys are happy.
Let’s be honest, this industry is not an easy one. It is very cut throat and harsh on most actors. They come in often naïve, uneducated and end up used, taken for granted and then left in bewilderment. Your job as an agent is to make money, but also protect your investments (models). What advice and must do and do not’s do you impress upon your talent?
Well I think the guys are often too scared to speak up. Everyone with us has at least 2 numbers to get me on 24/7 and trust me they use them. We impress upon them the "Do unto others..." rule and go a lot by trust (Yes we have gotten screwed over.. but I wont give up on my trusting nature to the guys) They need to be comfortable working with us....and likewise.
How often do your models and talent end up feeling like family? I tend to be very parental and my friends always laugh because I get “motherly” so I figure it has to happen in your world too.
Well "Doc" you and I just went through this last week didn't we?... My home is the ""Home for wayward porn stars"" and my world revolves around taking care of all my kids, sometimes very frustrating with drugs, alcohol, bad behavior, or not understanding the consequences of their actions, we try to work with them and just be here as a shoulder to cry on, bounce ideas off each other and help.
What moments have been the best in your life and career and why?
Wow…good one. Outside of this… I have organized many charity events and promotional nights and from planning stages to full execution, the excitement is seeing it happen, watching it unfold before your eyes.
What’s a dream you have that you want to accomplish?
A Week Off....My Phone Exploding....the Internet Crashing for a few days...choose it Doc And a Safari in Africa with Gio
You Know buddy, I do that. I go away for a week and even leave the laptop and phones behind and a week ends up flying by in a matter of minutes and BAM right back to the drudge.
Have you ever wanted to be someone else or do something else in life?
You know, we all look at other people and say things about the grass being greener. I don't have it so bad, I have a family that supports me and understands, a Partner I love and work with, friends and associates that are there when I need, Why would I want anything else....We should all be happy with what we have in our lives. DRAMA FREE (If there is such a thing in the gay world)
Do you have a favorite way to find or pick people for models and talent? If someone really wanted to get your attention to model, how should they go about it?
Well, I have gone up to strippers and dancers, surfed the web, handed cards to strangers and gone up to guys in Home Depot. I am pretty comfortable with approaching guys....People should just do the research, and if they want help, I am here, as are many other recruiters and agents.
What could a prospective model look at in making money from being new and just signing on? What should they NOT expect?
ANY model should have a REGULAR JOB, do not count on Porn to make a living for you.....Porn will NOT make a model rich these days unless they are truly spectacular. Just read ALL of the fine print.
Is there anything not covered in this interview that you would like the readers to know?
People like me get called "Enablers", we don't "PUSH" people into this... most of the time I get my guys through referrals or people contacting me. We don't force people in, we try to guide them the best we can. New people need to be careful of the companies that make you PAY upfront, or go near the boundaries of a "Couch Test" or overly PUSHY people. Take your time, think it through. Once you do it, it is there forever, Understand that.
Howard, what makes you CLICK?
I thrive on the excitement and the (OK I will admit it...) DRAMA. I am a very high energy guy, I need 10 or 12 things going on in my world at all time to keep me happy. I get bored easy....COMMUNICATION is the key, All the “Crap" happens when people do not share information.
QC and I would like to thank Howard for his time and great personality. As Doc. Feel, I don’t often endorse many people, but I do endorse Howard’s care and concern for the success of his clients. He is most often their bright light in a time of confusion.
Dear DocFeel,
My Name is Scott, I'm 18 and I just moved away to college so I thought it would be the right time to come out of the closet to my parents and a couple of close friends. When I came out to my parents they told me that all I needed was some good Christian counseling and everything would be ok. Now I have to spend my Mondays and Thursdays with some self-righteous prick who only wants to talk about the sin of homosexuality. (Keep in mind that this is a Christian Counselor). I have no problem with Christianity. In fact I am a Christian but its just hard to keep a straight face and take all of this I want them to know how I feel but I need help to tell them. I know I am gay and that the counseling is not going to help. I tried to tell them and persist, but they just won't come to the realization that I am a Homosexual. My friends accepted it easily but, I don't know what to do about my parents! Can you help me?
Thanks,
Scott
Dear Scott,
Your answer lies within your first sentence buddy. You are 18, a legal adult. No one can force you to do ANYTHING unless you agree to it. Let me make something clear: Being Christian doesn’t mean you CAN’T be gay and being gay doesn’t mean you aren’t Christian. To be frank with you, I have issue with the words “Christian Counseling.” Just what the heck does that mean? Would that be the opposite of “Satanic Counseling?” It’s a stupid qualifier for mental health. ANY counseling should be umbrella for helping and doesn’t need qualifiers such as Christian to give it authority. I have a strong belief in Christianity, but if I want CHRISTIAN counseling, it involves a priest and better understanding of scripture, NOT therapeutic intervention.
The truth of the matter is that you have to continue to be firm with your parents and let them know that you are perfectly comfortable with your sexuality and harbor no confusion. Make it clear that if you feel you need counseling you will seek out your own Therapist/Counselor who doesn’t have ulterior motives or agendas in helping you being happy. Might you suggest to your parents to seek some “Christian Counseling” to better help them understand that Christianity is about love and acceptance not judgment?
Doc. Feel
Doc. Feel,
Sorry if this is really long but I feel like this is the only outlet I have. I am 22 years old and have never had sex, gay or straight. I have never even had a real relationship. I have always been more attracted to guys than girls but am terrified that someone will find out. I grew up in a very church centered family who constantly made derogatory comments about being gay. I always went along with it because that seemed like the right thing to do. I was raised to believe that a complete life meant you had a wife and kids and lived in the suburbs down the street from the church that you went to every Sunday.
Once I left for college, I thought that I could experiment and figure out what I wanted. However, I have been at college for two and a half years and am still petrified. I am afraid that I wouldn't even know what to do in a relationship if I had one. I am so inexperienced. I also don't want to be labeled gay and treated differently. I also know that if I ever came out to my family, I would basically be disowned. I have honestly given thoughts to faking my own death and running off to start a new life where no one knows me so that I can spare my family the embarrassment. I have even checked into these groups that claim that they can make people "straight" again.
I tried to date a girl last year but it ended horribly. I really felt like I wanted to be with her and she was the first girl that I could imagine myself sleeping with. However, it turned out that she was using me as her rebound and I ended up finding her sleeping with her ex. Since then, I have retreated into a further hole. I am being treated for Bipolar Disorder 1 (I haven't even felt comfortable discussing these feelings with my therapist). At the age of 21 I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, degenerative spine disorder, and chronic back pain that is still being researched by orthopedists and neurologists. During the past 3 years, I have had a surgery to remove a tumor from my pelvis and a Nissen fundoplication on my esophagus because acid was eating away at my throat and they had found pre-cancerous cells. I also have the idea that I will never look good enough for anyone to want to date me. I feel like I have to look like an Abercrombie model for anyone to even find me attractive.
I know that dating should be the last thing on my mind but I feel so incomplete seeing all these other couples while I am always alone. I am not sure what to do anymore. I want to date but I don't want to make it a huge public event seeing as how I don't know if I am gay or straight or whatever. I am not quite sure where to turn anymore. Am I destined to be alone? I know you probably get letters like this every day but I was not sure where to turn anymore.
22-year-old-virgin
Dear 22 YOV,
You NEED to discuss this honestly with your Therapist. He/She is invested in your history and knows you. Why would you want advice from a professional who only knows 2-3 paragraphs from you when you have a relationship with a professional who is bound by ethics and law to confidentiality in regards to your disclosure?
You have several issues going on within your BP diagnosis and we both know this. For me to try to offer you advise, other than being honest and telling your current Therapist this vital information, would be unethical. IF you feel you cannot disclose this information to your current Therapist then I suggest you find one you are comfortable with.
To Your Health,
Doc. Feel
Doc,
I think you are a great inspiration for helping the gay community with issues they don’t have anyone to talk to. I’m 22 years old and about 2 months ago I came out to my entire family by accident. I lost a lot of family and friends but the ones I was close with are still here. Lately I just feel so vulnerable and like I don’t have a friend in the world. How should I go by making gay friends my own age with coming off as a tool. I’m really shy and sometimes people take it as arrogance. My biggest fear is that I won't have any friends I can relate to. When making friends in the gay community I guess guys take it as your hitting on them so I don’t want to have that approach. I feel like I’m in a rush to do this because ever since I came out its like the world is spinning super fast. so what should I do?
Thanks,
JJ84
Dear JJ84,
Gay people and the GLBT community aren’t aliens…lol We’re people just like everyone else. You make friends in the GLBT community by involving yourself within the community and socializing. Being nice to someone doesn’t mean you want to do them. Where you got that notion is beyond me. Bars, clubs, Gay.com. MySpace, gyms, GLBT events and organizations can all be useful socializing opportunities. You have to decide which you want to be involved in and what you want from the experience.
Doc. Feel
Dear Doc Feel,
I can't put to words how appreciative I am for the service you provide on QC. There's something comforting in your words regardless of how similar the problems are to my own. Many, many thanks just for the work you put into everything :D
So onto the problem, one you no doubt get a lot, but for some reason the QC archives only go back so far. I'm 22 years old, fully out to all my friends, classmates, and immediate family (except my brother, which is more a humorous situation than anything as he probably knows from an 'incident'). Yet for all this openness, I have never dated and have only kissed one person – a friend after he had drunk too much wine. I'm not too outgoing and tend to be a bit awkward in stressful situations, though I suppose everyone would be. Which is not to say I haven't tried. A few months ago I asked out a guy that goes to my school only to be turned down as he is not really into relationships. I would go out to clubs and bars, but I'm a bit wary of 'the scene' and the associated lack of enthusiasm for LTR’s. I'm not bad on the eyes, though I rarely feel like any eyes are on me...
My question is basically: How does someone my age do this? Where do I meet people that want more out of life than a romp in the hay? I know I'm naive and impatient, but I really don't know what the crap I'm doing.
Thanks again for everything,
Senseless in Seattle
Dear SIS,
Please see response to letter above. Finding a LTR is something everyone at any age hopes for generally, so if I had the answer as to where to find lasting love, I would be a very wealthy man. Time, patience, faith and wise choices mixed with a little luck.
Doc. Feel
Hi Doc,
Me and my boyfriend have just passed 40s. We have enjoyed monogamous relationship for about 18yrs (at least what I thought). About 4yrs back he totally stop having sex with me (not even wanting to touch or cuddle me). Every time when I tried, he will give excuses i.e tickles, on medication, tired...etc just to avoid me. However, I noticed there are condoms and lube in his drawer and when I asked him why he has those things when he claimed he has not interest in Sex, he brushed it away as he bought it just for fun but has not intention to use it. Although suspicious, I just ignore it and assumed it could be those one night stand overseas biz trips that he went and I am OK with it.
Gradually, I started to give up thinking of having any physical contact with him. I did tell him that if I am not getting from him, I will look for someone but he warned me that if I am having sex with someone, our relationship will be over. So I assumed he genuinely valued our relationship and since I am not sexually active, I just bear with it.
Recently, I found out, accidentally, that he is having regular sexual relationship with another younger guy and it has been going on during the past 3 years (now I know why the condoms N lube are meant for) and I found out from this younger guy because he innocently told me about his relationship with my boyfriend because I was introduced to him as his friend.. When I confronted him, initially he denied but later admitted. When I asked him why he betrayed my trust, he said he also don't know and have been carrying the guilt during these period (I wonder if he really felt guilty every time while having great sex with this young guy). He also said he still love me but not physically ( I don’t turn him on like the new guy does). However, he still wants me to remains as his boyfriend but take out the physical part. I can't help thinking, since I have been doing most of his errands on behalf of him, all he wants from me is to help him runs his errands while he shower his attention to the new guys because I know that they called each other every day; he pay special attention to this younger guy needs in terms of foods, clothing, gifts....etc
Doc, my questions are:
1. Should I carry on with this kind of relationship or just move on.
2. Can you love someone without sex?
3. He has asked me to keep our relationship from this guy, is this right?
4. In this relationship, am I the odd one?
Please let me know your expert views on this. Thanks
Old n Unwanted
Dear ONU (check that out backwards),
1. Should I carry on with this kind of relationship or just move on.
NOOOOO, run and don’t look back.
2. Can you love someone without sex?
YES, you can also love someone who abuses you, lies to you, hurts you, betrays you, denies you… Doesn’t make it right and doesn’t mean they like, love or respect you. Why settle for heartbreak when you want a whole relationship with truth and love?
3. He has asked me to keep our relationship from this guy, is this right?
NOOOO, so he can lie to, betray, use and abuse another person for his sick pleasure? HELLO!
4. In this relationship, am I the odd one?
You are odd if you stay with him and allow this bullshit to continue. For the record, these weren’t “expert” views, just common sense.
Doc. Feel
You can also now catch QC’s Doc. Feel on MySpace!
Email Doc. Feel: DocFeel [@] QueerClick.com
