QueerClick

Mason Wyler gets lots of fan mail, mostly from guys trying to win his "Who wants to fuck me" contest. But every now and then, a fan will reach out to Mason with more than just his dick and try to make an impact on more than just Mason's ass.

One fan in particular watches Mason's work, but wants him to repent for having made it. Is this a Christian case of "love the porn, hate the porn actor"? Let's see...

The fan's letter to Mason's agent begins:

Please tell Mason Wyler to get in touch with me!

A pretty standard opening for a fan letter, though if he wants to (ahem) "get in touch with" Mason, he'd better take a number and have several hundred IN CASH. You can't swipe a credit card through Mason's buttcheeks, no siree. The fan continues...

I want to introduce Jesus Christ to Him; I have prayed for him, and I know Jesus will save him from hell. I don\'t want him to go there.

He probably doesn't want Mason to go to Hell so he can spend an eternity in Heaven singing hymns and drinking Jesus juice next to the big-dicked bottom. We have it on good authority that the gay sex in Hell is much hotter (7th circle, 3rd level here we cum!). And besides, angels don't have genitals. Everybody knows that they're smooth as Smurfs.

But anyway, the fan continues...

Please tell him he needs to read the Bible and start a relationship with Jesus as soon as possible! Jesus has better things for him.

So Jesus wants a relationship with Mason, huh? Well that's great because Mason just broke up with his boyfriend! We hope Jesus is a top.
Wait... of course he is. After all, he was [[extends arms out to each side]] hung like this! But before Mason could accept, the fan had one last shout out from Big Baby J:

In the name of jesus Christ I declare he will repent and he will follow Him! Thank you!

That's great and all. But haven't you heard the Good News, brother? Mason's already living a very holey lifestyle. Many a time he's knelt down and communed with his fellow man to receive the spirit. In fact, he's literally bent over backwards for it. We're sure he has so much spirit pumped deep inside of him that it's flowing through his heart and out his ears—you can even see it in his pearly white smile.

Mason's capacity for love and service is very deep and he's been spreading it further and wider than any other evangelist we've ever seen (well, except for maybe Ted Haggard and Jim Baker).

Mason Wyler may be a Godless slut, but he's our Godless slut. So you can pray all you want, just don't prey on him. Whatever and ever... Amen.

PS. We're going to Hell for posting that picture of Baby J. And if it it made you smile, you're going to Hell too.

When Simon Dexter left porn (he was that popular model on that popular site) to pursue a "legitimate" modeling career, our big brown eyes shed a collective coffee-colored tear. We worried that we'd never again see his sexy ass in action. But perhaps the porn gods heard our lament, because this weekend porn promoter David Forest alerted us that Simon Dexter is available for "private meetings"!

Private meetings?! Like board room meetings?! That's awesome!!! Usually private meetings are so boring. But with Simon Dexter presenting a talk, our attention spans would elongate by at least 6 or 7 inches, er, we mean, hours. And we bet he makes a mean PowerPoint presentation. We thought that the new Simon Dexter was all business and no play—that is, until we saw that Forest's e-mail included the following picture:

So, let us get this right: Simon's decided to curtail his gay XXX work, yet he's still showing his fat uncut cock in business e-mails? Don't get us wrong... our work inboxes were stuffed with dicks even before we started working for QC. But if Simon's fat hog is also attending the meeting, then it's probably gonna be less about spreadsheets and more about cum sprays.

Simon would certainly put the MEAT back in meetings. But what is Simon Dexter qualified talk about other than modeling, appendicitis, and taking cocks? There probably won't be a lot of strategic planning so much as grunting and posing. Fine by us. But is Dex really for sale? Wouldn't being a prostitute conflict with his modeling obligations?

We're not sure what goes on in these meetings exactly. But the following endorsement from "Robert" one of Simon's satisfied johns customers may hold a clue.

Editable? Does that mean Simon will change his rehearsed lines if they don't sound right? Instead of saying "Suck me, yeah! yeah!" perhaps we could edit him and run through it again, this time adding something a bit more Stryker-esque like, "Yeah, you want that big dick, don't cha?"

Or maybe "editable" means he's programmable, like a robot from Blade Runner! That would explain his ridiculous good looks. Maybe Simon's running Windows 7! Cool. Installing hardware has never been so easy. And where's his USB port? We have a thumb drive we'd like to insert.

And then there's Robert's weird line about wanting to buy Simon's pubic hair. Uhh... call us cheap, but if you're paying for pubic hair, you're probably paying too much. But we'll let you decide, dear readers. Tell us in the comments whose pubic hair you'd purchase. On second thought, maybe we would buy Simon's pubes...

EDITOR'S NOTE: At the request of Simon Dexter's former porn studio, we've removed all references to them.

Tommy D's been heating up QC for a while with his beautiful blonde face, boyish smile, big cock, and bubble butt. But throughout the years we've always wondered, just what the heck is Tommy D's last name? After some research, we came up with 3 pretty good leads.

DESSERT: Actually, before we get to our good guesses, we wanted to eliminate this one dumb one. Yes, he's sweet and known for serving up dollops of cream, but we seriously doubt anyone has "Dessert" as a family name—not even a family full of porn stars. That doesn't mean we wouldn't like going face down in his pie though. Forget the napkin! His spread would have us going back for seconds and fourths and eighths.

DILLINGER: Could Tommy D be related to famous American gangster, John Dillinger? Let's look at the evidence: they both have the same eyebrows, eye shape, and devilish smirk. Also, John supposedly had a huge cock that the Smithsonian Institute put in a formaldehyde jar and J. Edgar Hoover kept on his desk. We're sure John Dillinger held up more than just banks with his sizable firearm. Likewise, we've seen Tommy D steal quite a few holes with his double-barreled piece, though when he enters their banks, it's usually to make a deposit.

See our two other possibilities, including our definitive answer, after the jump!

More "SEXPOSED! We Discover Tommy D's Last Name!"

If you've ever been or know someone who has gone to "ex-gay" therapy, then you know that those places are usually cruising grounds for closeted men. You're more likely to learn how to polish a knob or dye your shoes than (ahem) enjoy making love to a woman. But don't let that get you down. You don't have to be gay if you don't wanna. Just ask Randy from Exeter International. No that he's no longer gay, he's enjoying the good life, full of BBQ, football innings, and his girlfriend's bad hair.

Good evening, ghouls and ghosts! We're celebrating Halloween early by pulling back the curtain on 3 of porn's most scarifying stars— Tommy D, Cody Cummings, and Mason Wyler. Check out our fun monster mash video with Tommy D as Frankenstein's monster, Cody Cummings as the Wolfman, and Mason Wyler as Drac all doing the Transylvania Twist!

We didn't choose their costumes lightly. Tommy D's keeps a hanging body part in his private lab below and he enjoys using different man parts to create monster scenes! Cody Cumming's a real lady killer who's been growing out his chest hair and making gay men howl with lust and outrage! And Mason Wyler is known for cumming upon men in his chamber and sucking them dry before they plunge their stakes deep into him.

Check out our video and the join the monster party at Tommy's, Cody's, or Mason's place—you'll have a terrifyingly good time!

Between the all the jewelry, treating people like sex objects, and macho over-compensation, it's obvious that rap is totally gay. Except that rappers can retain their manly-gangster edge by claiming "no homo" after saying anything even remotely gay (as in, "Suck my dick... no homo").

Bryan Safi of Current TV's InfoMania discusses the "no homo" phenomenom in the show's recurring segment, "That's Gay." Last time we had him on QC he discussed "Gayngels", the homosexual saviors who save the day whenever life gets too heavy (on reality TV). This time, Safi's even funnier and you get to see him roll off of another dude shirtless—score!

We think "no homo's" ridicustupilame. Someone might wanna tell these guys that there are several up and coming homo-hop brother and sisters who actually have the courage to stand up and admit they like cocksucking and rug-munching without putting anyone down. As the saying goes, "They're more man than you'll ever be and more woman than you'll ever get."

OK, OK, OK... so we swore we would never mention a certain fat-hating drama queen ever again. Except that he's just created yet another video calling out the editors of QueerClick and Unzipped Media for circulating rumors about his relationship with Zack Randall.

Actually, the person in the video is not he-who-no-longer-deserves-QCoverage but his porn rival, Phillip Ashton. If you recall, Phillip inserted himself in the faux-drama by levying some very serious claims of rape, drug and spouse abuse against Randall and his lover. We initially called Mr. Ashton bonkers and jealous, but with this video he has singlehandedly redeemed himself!

He calls out you-know-who for all his bad behavior and then some, adding a deliciously nasty tone that's not far from the original. Plus, he throws in the bad trademark Elvis hairdo, some devilish smiles, and an wicked brown-face performance that are truly inspired comedic touches! We were gonna use this column space to join in the abuse, except that Phillip's said everything about you-know-who far better than we ever could. Bravo, Mr. Ashton—ten gold stars!

Click on image to see larger version.

Between all the cocks, contracts, and coke, the world of professional gay pornography can be mystifying manwhore maze. Newcummers may have no idea what to expect and even a prominent rising star risks making a misstep if they're unsure what to do next. That's why we've stepped in and made this easy-to-use Porn Career Pyramid.

It's simple! Porn's a lot like poker—the stakes are high, the players are many, and some plays are more valuable than others. Start on the lower left at Solo JO Video and work your way up to Orgy Scene. But an orgy's just about as high as one can go in gay porn, so after that it's back downhill again starting at Directing, ending at Producing A Dance Track, and then dying in obscurity in a bookstore, coffee shop, or rehab center. Where does your favorite porn star rank?

We just had to pass this one along. Joe.My.God. reported an unsuccessful assassination attempt on the life of a Saudi Prince by a would-be martyr who stuck a bomb up his anus. The attack didn't go as planned. Joe has more:

Remember the guy who tried to light a bomb in his shoe? And now we have to take our shoes off at the airport? Remember the guy who tried to sneak in liquid explosives? And now we can't bring shampoo on board? What do you think the TSA will do about the ass-bombers? Richard Scneier:

Nobody tell the TSA, but last month someone tried to assassinate a Saudi prince by exploding a bomb stuffed in his rectum. He pretended to be a repentant militant, when in fact he was a Trojan horse: The resulting explosion ripped al-Asiri to shreds but only lightly injured the shocked prince -- the target of al-Asiri's unsuccessful assassination attempt. Other news articles are here, and here are two blog posts.

For years, I have made the joke about Richard Reid: "Just be glad that he wasn't the underwear bomber." Now, sadly, we have an example of one. Lewis Page, an "improvised-device disposal operator tasked in support of the UK mainland police from 2001-2004," pointed out that this isn't much of a threat for three reasons: 1) you can't stuff a lot of explosives into a body cavity, 2) detonation is, um, problematic, and 3) the human body can stifle an explosion pretty effectively (think of someone throwing himself on a grenade to save his friends).

Looks like you might want to keep an eye on the guy sitting next to you who keeps going to the bathroom. Or maybe that guy in the security line with the killer ass really has a KILLER ASS—is it real or is it plastique? Maybe you'd better squeeze to make sure. On Joe's advice we checked out the comments section of Scneier's article and collected the funniest ones below:

You'll just have to hope it doesn't explode when bending over to take your shoes off. Although, that can solve problem #3. Just bend over and "let rip".

Time to buy shares in black rubber glove manufacturer's...

just waiting for the first joke about explosive diarrhea...

I note the report states the device was probably detonated by remote control. I suppose this is one case where the traditional method of setting off a grenade ("Insert finger through ring and pull") would have tipped the Prince off that something was wrong.

Well that certainly puts the "ass" in "assassin".

I guess now he really *can't* tell the difference between his ass and a hole in the ground.

Rectum?! Damn near killed him!

"you can't stuff a lot of explosives into a body cavity" Are you kidding me? I've seen whole people come out of some body cavities.

The future is here and it is assplosives.

Well shiver our timbers and swash our buckles! It's international Talk Like A Pirate Day! We're mostly interested in butt-piracy but we also like a good sword fight on the poop deck especially when there's booty to be plundered! Arrrrr! So you can either take pirate talking lessons from this YouTube instructor or visit the link above for lots more pirate talk tips, including these handy come-ons:

"Well blow me down?"

"Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you"

"I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon"

"Ya know, darlin', I'm 97 percent chum free."

If you're just a junior buccaneer, you can bone up on your gay pirate history at Uncylopedia which includes info on one of the most fey pirates of all time, Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Carribean. Depp discussed his very gay preparations for the role during an interview with Rolling Stone:

[Johnny] Depp says he was intrigued by a scholarly work titled "Sodomy and the Pirate Tradition." "I liked the idea of [Jack] being ambiguous," he tells Mark Binelli in the new summer double issue of Rolling Stone. "Because women were thought to be bad luck on ships. And these pirates would go out for years at a time. So, you know, there is a possibility that one thing might lead to another. You're lonely. You have an extra ration of rum. 'Cabin boy!'"

And if you're an experienced seaman still searching avast for more pirating fun, check out gay pirates and punishments like walkin' the plank! (Gettin' wet off a hunk of wood would Jolly our Roger). Find out what to do with a drunken sailor—a gay pirate cocktail that's strong and fruity, just like you, matey! Take a quiz to see how long you could last on a gay pirate ship. Or, if you act in the next 4 and a half hours, you could get a free download of the old-skool pirating game, Tales of Monkey Island.