Ask QC: He’s Bi Now?!!
OK, I got a weird one
I’m 40 and have been dating a 35-year-old for almost a year. We’re exclusive and although we don’t live together things have been going very well generally and I wouldn’t be against us turning into Ozzie and Harriet at some point. But a recent development has caught me by surprise.
One night while staying over at my place, I caught him masturbating to a lesbian wrestling site. It’s a small place and I wasn’t spying; I just looked into the study on my way to the kitchen and he had his back to me while scrolling through some pages of naked women fighting. He was totally jerking-off. Not a biggie—that’s what the computer’s there for. I didn’t interrupt because I didn’t want to embarrass him, but I did ask him about it at breakfast the next morning.
“What was that about?” I asked. “Are you bisexual?” “I dunno,” he said. He used to date women back when he was closeted (that’s how he always puts it: his “heterosexual phase.” “I was a young economics major and didn’t know any better, ha ha”). I shrugged it off and asked for the jam when he asked, “What if I were bisexual?” “I’m all the woman you need,” I said. “What if I said I wanted to have sex with a woman?” he asked. “I’d probably call an exorcist,” I said. But he wasn’t joking…
“Are you serious?” I asked. Then he started talking about how he’s been jerking off thinking about women more often these days, how there’s a few at his gym that he finds attractive, and how he’s wondering if he should explore it. Well, I got positively side-swiped. Here’s the deal: I know that sexuality’s a fluid thing (the Kinsey scale and all that), but he’s never even mentioned in the slightest that he’s anything other than gay; at least since I met him.
“How important is to you?” I asked him, and he said he didn’t know, but that he was curious. I told him I’d get back to him and so here I am. We’re not in an open relationship so I’m not really keen on letting him go out and fool around with some random woman. He asked me how I’d feel about a woman in our bed as part of a threesome and I said, “I’d feel sorry for that woman—it’d be the gayest sex she’s ever had.”
I was kidding of course. I’m about as interested in fooling around with a woman as I am in drawing unicorns on my kneecaps (which is to say, not at all). I’m not one of those “women are icky” gays, I’m just a three-dollar bill. But what should I do about my burgeoning bisexual beau? I really don’t want to let some skank have my guy, but I don’t want to lose him either and I think he’s gotta scratch that itch.
Sex between us has been pretty good—at least two or three times a week with lots of physical affection and cuddling, so I don’t think it’s that. But I’m very possessive and it would really break my heart if he slept with someone else—I can’t help it… I’m an old-fashioned romantic. I’ve already told him all this of course, but how to proceed? Should I be worried?
Please help me, QC darlings. Like Obi Wan Kenobi, you are my only hope. All my brunch buddies told me to get a cat, take a quaalude, and call it a day—what bitches!
Welly, well… what a conundrum! On the one hand, it’s great that these guys are so open with each other that they can discuss their feelings honestly, but it seems like their openness has a limit. Should our advice seeker let his boyfriend explore his bisexuality even though it will break his heart? Can he say no without making his boyfriend unhappy? Is this the beginning of the end or the start of something weird and wonderful? Please share your experiences and advice in the QComments section.
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