Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you realize that dual heartthrobs Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Kellan “Twilight” Lutz are both currently starring in films where they play demi-god muscleman Hercules. In both movies, they get shirtless and kill a bunch of things while turning on gay and straight men alike. We initially thought about comparing them to see which makes the better Hercules, but then we thought of something waaaaay hotter.
Why have two Herculeses battle it out when you can have a steamy battle royale between seven Herculeses (or is the plural of Hercules Herculi?). So for your spectating pleasure, behold as we put an ex-wrestler and ex-vampire against some of the finest muscular legends ever put on celluloid! Which shall win? We present, you decide.
Hercules and the Queen of Lydia (1959) – Steve Reeves
There’s a reason why Dr. Frankenfurter in The Rocky Horror Picture Show offers Brad and Janet “an old Steve Reeves movie” — it’s because Reeves is hotter than hell. Just look at those bulging biceps and veins! And unlike most of the other Herculi, Reeves sports a sexy beard and brunette curls. We’d ask him to come over and bend some iron bars for us, but he’s
dead already got a male admirer from the look of it above.
The Loves of Hercules (1960) – Mickey Hargitay
The only thing Mickey Hargitay’s Hercules has going for him is that man-skirt showing off his ample bulge. Apart from that, his film is basically one long, unending parade of guys trying to kill him and big-tittied women trying to bed him. At the very least, his film is considered a cult-classic and has lots of freaky shit in it like human trees, a three-headed Hydra, a bull-wrestling scene, and the massive rack of his then wife Jayne Mansfield.
Hercules in New York (1969) – Arnold Schwarzenegger
Before he served as governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger played The Terminator. And before that, he hacked villains to pieces as Conan the Barbarian. But before that, he played Hercules in what sounds like the dumbest Hercules flick of all time. No really, go watch the trailer. The sheer blahness of it reduces his sexiness factor big time, but we’d still totally get off on kissing his guns — no lie.
Hercules (1983) – Lou Ferrigno
Guess who admired Steve Reeves? This bearded fucker, that’s who! Out of all the Herculi, he’s the one we’d like saving us from the Erymanthian Boar — just get a load of his massive man-pies and his combination skort-brief! The actual legends of Hercules include cross-dressing, a drinking contest with the god of wine and a gay romance with Hylas, the water nymph. Too bad Ferrigno’s movie didn’t show any of that.
Hercules (1997) – Disney
Yes, Disney’s Hercules took out all the risqué stuff (like the fact that Hera hated Hercules because he was the bastard son of her slutty husband Zeus), but even their watered-down musical version of the Greek myth had its moments. Heck, he spends a good part of the movie exercising in front of a naked goat man. He then spends the rest of the film running around with perfect hair and a short skirt, beating up monsters to win over his street-smart love interest Meg. But any man who plays the lead in a musical is bound to be a little gay, so we’ll assume that’s the case with him too, girlfriend or no.
Hercules: The Legendary Journeys (1995 – 1999) – Kevin Sorbo
Okay, so Sorbo shouldn’t technically be in our line-up because he starred in a TV show instead of a movie, but we’re giving him an honorable mention. After all, he was still hot with his fur and long, caramel hair. Plus, unlike the other Herculi above, he had an attainable body and got a heck of a lot more screentime overall. So perhaps he’s actually the most heroic of all Herculi.
Now enjoy this animated GIF of Kellan Lutz showing off his hot sword-action in a Herculean leap while you tell us which Hercules was the best in the QComments below.