Queerying: Conner Habib

Yes, porn stud Conner Habib has a charming gleam in his eye and a body that is well-suited for his wonderfully torrid sexual desires he shares with us in front of the camera.
But after talking to him, I quickly realized it’s not just Conner’s physical attributes that making him alluring, it’s his refreshing outlook on the world, sexuality and the lines we all draw about privacy, secrecy and how we project ourselves openly to the world. And that’s the thing about Conner: he’s not the trashy, ditzy, tragic mess we sometimes just assume guys in porn are.
There’s a certain peace about him. Maybe it’s from his devotion to meditation or from his academic background, but having an interview with him soon feels like a conversation you might have with an old friend. He’s smart, he’s funny and a guy who’s got observations about being in porn that might just reflect into our own daily lives and how we go about them. If we’d ever been smitten by a guy who’s a total package—good looks, a cute butt and a mind that will keep us true—Conner Habib may be our new favorite guy in porn.

And we couldn’t be happier for him as he was nominated this year for a GAYVN award, as Best Newcomer. (We try to stay unbiased around here, but we’re totally planning on giving you a big ol’ bear hug if you win, Conner.)

QC
Hi Conner! Okay, first off… I’ve gotta say, congratulations on your nomination as Best Newcomer for the upcoming GAYVN Awards in September. How did the news of the nomination hit you?
Conner

I’m really excited about it! Of course some of the excitement is for validation. I work really hard—keeping in shape, eating right, making calls for gigs etc (I wrote about the craziness of being a porn star on my blog). But I’m also excited that a non-exclusive, non-gigantically buff, vegetarian smartass can be nominated for a GAYVN. If there’s a message in there anywhere (and maybe there isn’t) it’s a nice message. Also, I have a really sexy date planned, and I’m happy to be in a room with a bunch of good-looking, good-hearted people.
QC
I can’t wait to see you at the show! So beyond the awards, how the hell are you?!
Conner

I’m great! Does anyone say, “I’m actually feeling like shit these days” when you ask them this?
QC

I wish they would! “Ahhh, man, fuck off… I feel like crap.” I guess people ask this not really caring about the answer. It’s funny how we say things and don’t even realize what we’re asking. I’d imagine you must have all sorts of experiences with nervous fans who have all sorts of preconceived notions. Does that ever get tiresome?
Conner

People get a little silly, but I enjoy that I’ve had those moments myself. I bumped into former Hot House model Enzo Grimaldi when I was in London and I was like huh-huh-huh-huh-hello. And don’t get me started on when I saw Zak Spears at the Faultline in L.A.. So, I’m completely flattered by it. It’s a really special moment when you meet someone who’s made his or her way into your imagination.
QC

That’s a good perspective on it. I think we forget that guys in porn would also fantasize about other guys in porn as well. Do you think there are many misconceptions about what the real lives of “porn stars” are like?
Conner

Of course! Mostly because there’s no “typical porn star life”. We’re all so different.

QC
You seem pretty darn upfront and honest and don’t try to stay too mysterious or create a certain persona between on and off camera? Is that true? Is that a battle you face, where to define that line between what you share publicly and what you choose to keep private?
Conner

I try to be myself as much as possible, but no one can pull that off entirely. Sometimes we smile when we’re upset or have conversations when we’d rather be alone. Everybody’s like that. That being said, I do think it’s important to be true to yourself and notice when you’re not and question why. But I don’t hold back my personality for the sake of privacy. Instead, I think there are some things that are appropriately and naturally private.


Nothing, on the other hand, is naturally secret. I think people confuse privacy and secrecy a lot. Privacy is something that feels clean and happy when you keep it inside or between two people. It’s something no one can take away from you. It’s your thinking and your integrity and how you make your decisions every day. Or it could be the smile you shared in the morning with your lover next to you in bed or how you feel about him or her in your heart. Everything that happens within our hearts and souls is private.
Secrecy, is what you think you’d prefer to be hidden, because it’s not hidden naturally. Generally, it involves something you did or something involving the material world. The naked body, the things you did at a party last Saturday night, the way you made fun of someone—those are all secrets. I think that most things people are trying to keep secret are things that they actually desperately want to tell others.


There’s a good exercise for this that I borrow from spiritual teacher Byron Katie: Think of your partner or your mom or your best friend. Say to yourself, “The thing I never want you to find out is…” Then turn it around and say, “The thing I most want to tell you is…” You may find that you’re actually dying to show the other person the very thing you think needs to be hidden. It’s the keeping it in that feels terrible; the keeping it in is the real problem.


I think porn has taught me that bodies are a part of this cult of secrecy—I don’t think that bodies are private. They’re bodies, they’re made out of material. We can try to keep them a secret, but everybody has one. What’s the deal with being so afraid to show it? The pain comes when we think we have to hide them.


One of my heroes, Amber Hollibaugh once said, “Wherever you have a secret, that is where you are vulnerable.” When I heard her say that, I really took it to heart. I started talking about all the things I thought I had to hide. When I released them, they couldn’t hurt me anymore. There was nothing to find out or reveal because I’d said it all. That doesn’t mean I was proud of all of it, but I did feel proud to be strong enough to confess all of it so I could examine it.


I have private, intimate moments with someone I love or a close friend or in my thoughts. If someone asks me about those times, I may want to keep it to myself because I love the way it feels to have that to myself or to share it with only one other person. But if it comes out, it comes out, no big deal.

QC

So what have you been working on this summer?
Conner


I’ve had a lot of great shoots this summer: My first (and definitely not last) shoot with Chi Chi LaRue for a Live and Raw-style DVD. I loved working with someone who was so utterly confident and in control. I also shot for Badpuppy, had a live show with Raging Stallion, and flew to England. The trip to England was a dream come true—I got to work for Men At Play, which was always one of my favorite sites. I also got to shoot with Dillon Buck for Butch Dixon—Dillon was on my “to do” list. I have this mental checklist of all the guys I want to meet and work with and he was one of the first ones on there. He’s so beautiful and friendly. And okay, the gigantic dick might have something to do with it. Anyway, I could shoot a hundred scenes with him and never get tired of it—we have a great connection.
QC

You’ve chosen great people to work with, but I’ve gotta admit Men at Play stirs something raw and carnal with me. I love that site and guys are always so smokin’ sexy on it. And Dillon Buck is another one. I must say, you have superb taste in men, Conner! So when you do have a connection like that with Dillon, do you find yourself slipping away from the role of “performer” in a scene to a state where this is really you? Do you strive for that real connection maybe where the crew “disappear” in your mind?
Conner


It’s a great question because it brings to the surface what a lot of people—including some porn actors—don’t always quite get about scenes. It’s not only sex, it’s performing. You have to be aware of the crew and the audience. If you forget them entirely and just have sex, you miss the point entirely. Making porn isn’t only about your sexual experience, it’s about sharing the experience with others. But I hate when people describe sex in porn as “just work” or “mechanical.” If someone says that, they’re either a bad performer or at least not delicate with words. You have to have a great time and get your body to do really difficult stuff all at once. If anything, “athletic” is a better word than “mechanical.” Like a sport or lifting weights, you get your body to do something through intense concentration and intuition at once. The trick—sometimes I pull it off, sometimes I don’t—is to make the crew, the cameras, and the audience your sexual partners too. You’ve got to include them in what you’re doing. Once that happens, no one is left out, everything is included, everything is sexualized.
QC
I wish everyone (not just guys in porn) thought about including everything in the room when having sex and yes, perhaps a little more athletic and less mechanical in real life too. But then again, maybe that’s just me. 🙂


So, in preparation before a movie, do you make a point to hang out with your scene partners? I would imagine there is also a lot of waiting in between scenes or shots?
Conner


When I was younger and in the punk rock scene at home, I started a record label and booked concerts. I was a very DIY kid. Because of that, I made tons of friends across the world and many of them were very talented people. I felt so loved and happy—I knew that I had a place to stay in most states across the country. Porn has given me something very similar—it’s a network of kind-hearted, talented, and brave people.
Lucky me! So while I don’t know or spend time with many of the guys beforehand, I do make a lot of friends—Some guys that have gone on to become good friends of mine are Colby Keller, Junior Stellano, Girth Brooks, and Dillon Buck. I feel such a big love for those guys, among many others (if I didn’t mention you, just tweet me a spanking—you know I love you too!)

QC

What are you excited about right now?
Conner


I’m an excitable guy, so my list would be too long—But I can tell you the things that have been occupying my time lately. I’ve been really getting into the theatre world these days as I try to finish writing a play. I’ve been going to plays, reading them, talking to actors, etc. It’s an amazing process and a huge challenge. I got my MFA in creative writing—fiction writing—from UMASS. I thought that writing a play would be easy after writing stories. It’s not. In a play, unlike a movie or a novel, everything has to happen NOW, it has to be visible, and it has to be present. That’s tough to convey! So theater stuff.
QC
Is there anywhere where we can we read/see what you’ve been working on?
Conner

I get a little twitchy about showing things around before they’re done, so the play, no. I was asked to write an essay for a new gay magazine called Headmaster. I’ll put an excerpt from that on my website when I’m all done with it. Then you can get the magazine if you want the rest!
There’s one play called Ondine (no relation to the Neil Jordan movie) by Jean Giraudoux which is this huge production that will probably never be put on again, so you’ve got to read it. It will blow your mind.
QC
I don’t know about this, so I am curious what will blow my mind about it?
Conner

Something that was really intense for me about Ondine was the main character—an Ondine (or water spirit) and her intense innocence and alien nature (she was played by Audrey Hepburn in the original). When you’re in porn, you can feel misunderstood and so “other”. Sometimes you just want to shout to people that you’re still a kind person and that you still have a good heart, but they can’t always understand, and you can’t always expect them to. That’s a big struggle in Ondine—how does someone with a wild, passionate heart fit in with the man he or she loves who is sweet and noble but normal?

QC
I can also relate to that just as being a gay man. People like to categorize people into “set ideas” of how one should act and behave. I am not always the happy, go-lucky gay. I can not do your hair, nor can I probably decorate your room better than most. (I can however, dress better.) Wait, my point is, we’re not one-dimensional: We can all be dark. And I do think, we are all good at heart, if we take time to be comfortable in our own skin.
Conner

I don’t know if I think everyone is good at heart—I think some people choose to be evil. But most of us, yeah, are good at heart.
QC
True, I think some people can be consumed by hate. Has being in porn changed what you need from an off-camera, real-life partner? Is being creative and expressing yourself through a raw form, like sex made you more confident about what you want and need?
Conner

One of the best side-effects of porn is that it’s cleared up any issues I’ve had with physical attraction. We all fall prey to the “holy shit everyone thinks that guy is hot so I’ve got to have him” syndrome. If someone walks into the bar and he’s got that societal hot stamp of approval, we feel drawn to him—even if we’re not necessarily REALLY attracted to him. Since I’m blessed to work with guys like that, I don’t have that knee-jerk reaction in my life anymore. When I’m attracted to someone physically, it’s a real, visceral attraction.
Very often, I’ve found myself attracted to guys that aren’t the societal standard of beauty. There’s no power or status in my attraction anymore, I just like who I like. I love that porn has cleared that up for me—though I’m sorry I was so unconscious of all that stuff for so long.
Has it made me more confident? The answer is sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I’m right on track—I’m doing what I want; I’m living a great life; I’m being brave in the face of a host of you-shouldn’t-be-doing-that’s. Other times, I think, “Uh, what?” I think I should have just stayed a teacher or I should have a regular job at my age. Doubt doesn’t just disappear just because we have confidence. But at the end of the day, I try to live my life based on what feels correct and exciting rather than what I’m afraid of. So here I am. It’s exhilarating and I think I’m doing the right thing. Most of the time, I feel a great light and love in what I do.
I’ve never dated or tried to date anyone in porn—not because I wouldn’t; it’s just never happened. I’ve only had one boyfriend since I started porn. He was an incredibly grounded guy—but the porn got to him from time-to-time. Ultimately, when we broke up, he didn’t mention porn once. I think porn itself isn’t an issue for people that date porn stars—it’s sort of a red herring. It seems like it’s important, but it’s masking other, deeper issues: fear of commitment, problems with body image, and an inability to be thoughtful about emotions. I’m not dismissing it—who wants to have all that come to the surface, constantly? Most people aren’t strong enough to date someone who’s doing porn. In fact, I don’t know if I would be—it’s so much to think about. We demand a lot from our partners.

QC

I’ve gotta admit, you always impress me with your honesty. You do such a good job at expressing yourself. I noticed your website is up now, do you have plans to perhaps share your thoughts and ideas there?
Conner

I’ve been working on my Website—which is finally up and doing something. I’m really happy with it. The point, right now, is to have a fansite—eventually I’d like it to become a cultural examination website that focuses on sex more than others (Salon.com, Arts and Letters Daily, etc.) do.
QC
As a long-time reader of Salon.com and who has wished for more out it, you just made my dick go hard. That sounds great. I think sometimes we get caught up in the simple, single-track of fetish and fantasy-scenarios (i.e. Repair guy under sink sees homeowner’s towel fall and then can’t resist his cock) and think that’s what sex is: simple and clichéd. Do you think porn should be less that way?
Conner

I think it’s a shame that there’s not a lot of imagination involved in porn—but this is a problem of all art and media; there’s a big lack of imagination. Most novels, movies, albums, etc. are shitty too, so we can’t expect more from porn—particularly since it will always do well whether or not there’s anything imaginative going on it. I wish people were less afraid to take chances. We could do something totally nuts—like those pornos from the 70s where girls were getting fucked in space suits on Planet XXX or whatever. Why not? People will be drawn to the sex—they’re there anyway, let’s give them something absolutely insane.
I’m happy that some people are starting to make “art films” with real sex in them. It’s an important step—but I don’t know that that’s the exact direction I want things to take either. Porn is already good at imitating life—in fact it’s exhibiting real sex acts, so it’s not just imitation, it has a lot of the thing itself in it. Why not make it crazy instead of imitative? Let’s unhinge the whole thing. Let’s have someone entirely painted green getting a blowjob from one of the giant heads on Easter Island while a baseball-playing jock guy watches and jacks off. Why not at least try it? There’s no reason to not be
crazy.
QC

…I’d totally watch/love that!

Conner

The most boring thing people can say is, “it’s just porn.” It’s such a lame excuse to present or consume a boring product. Nothing is “just” anything—especially not when it’s a social phenomenon that everyone takes part in, pays money for, has intense feelings about, and has a private experience with. If people said “it’s just food” or “it’s just love” or “it’s just a job” we wouldn’t stand for it. Porn is important—whether you like it or not, it’s here and it’s huge. Let’s make it interesting!
QC

While I know it’s an industry and people are in porn to make money and such, I also wish there were more artists. Cameras are everywhere. The Internet is available. Everyone gets caught up in quality, good lighting, and making an “accessible product” BUT GODDAMN where, oh where is the storytelling? Where are the fucked-up, guerrilla porn movies?! Conner, I think everyone reading this should go make their own porn movie this week and post it, don’t you?
Conner

I think, definitely, that everyone should play around with their feelings of exhibitionism and voyeurism. I don’t think it works to think and think and think those thoughts but not act on them. I believe ideas are as real as objects. If you think it constantly, you may want to work it out in your behavior. Just find a way to do it that works with the larger context of your life.
One of the best assessments of media in this moment came from my friend, media analyst Doug Rushkoff (in relation to his book Life, Inc.). He said, basically that there’s a growing sentiment regarding corporate culture and entertainment, and it’s this: “We don’t need your money to get what we want anymore.” It’s true—we can do XTube, we can do YouTube, we can do Facebook, we can do dirty pictures through text messaging. We don’t have to buy into media anymore, we are media. I hope porn companies start to understand that—it means they’ll have to work on principles of brotherhood (which are, by the way, the true principles of economics anyway) rather than simply the principles of profit. In other words, they’ll have to more deeply involve the people that they’re aiming their products to. Porn companies and individuals should encourage each other to make better content, user-and-viewer-generated content, free content, and quality content. Porn is a particularly ripe medium for this, since most people are connected to porn in one way or another.
QC
Is that your dream? To shake porn up a little? Obviously to make things that are crazy sexy, but do you aspire to be more than just a porn “star”? In other words, where do you see yourself in 5 years? 20 years? Do you see yourself retiring from this world at some point?
Conner

I’m not going to “try” to shake it up. I’m just going to be myself—and if it’s shaken up as a result, great! If not, that’s great too, because I haven’t left my integrity.
I don’t really know what will happen in the future. I gave an interview for a book called Rising Starz a year ago in which I stated I wanted to be a counselor for sex workers. But here I am a year later, the book just came out, and I’ve got no intention of doing that anymore. Three years ago when I was an English instructor at UMASS, I didn’t know that porn would be my job and the current love of my life.
So five years? No idea. I could list all the things I want, but I’m not sure what will happen. I can tell you about right now: I’m finishing my play, working on my website, making movies, reading, writing, devoting time to my spiritual practice (anthroposophy), hanging out with the people I love and that love me, and going to the gym. That’s my life. It always leads to something new and exciting.

QC

How do you keep this full-life of yours all in-check?
Conner

I’ve also been really excited about all the self-work I’ve been doing. Meditating has made my life so much more interesting and strange; the gym has been changing my body and improving my strength (I’ve been doing these martial arts exercises, really amazing); doing the Work a la Byron Katie has been helping me become a kinder person.
So yeah, tons to be excited about. I never understand people who are bored. The world is nuts and full of stuff!
QC

Right on! I have a personal rule, to never have the thought, “I am bored.” But do you ever feel like you have too much on your plate or wish you were getting more done?

Conner

One of my ex-boyfriends said, “You do twenty things a day and you go to bed restless, feeling like you’ve accomplished nothing.” He saw me as someone who got a lot done but who was always striving to do great work and more work. But I guess he broke up with me, so he couldn’t have been right about everything—I don’t know if I get a lot done, but I do feel the restlessness. Like, why isn’t this play done? Why don’t I have a porn studio yet? Why don’t I have my book finished? Why haven’t I been in three hundred movies yet? Why, oh why, haven’t I convinced Blake Harper to come out of retirement and make out with me?
QC

Ooooh, Blake Harper. Yes. Once again, cheers to you for your fine taste in men! Earlier, you mentioned meditation has made your life more interesting and strange. I’m curious to know what you mean?
Conner

As far as meditation goes, it fuels every part of my life, so it definitely touches porn. For example, I noticed that meditation has helped me deal with physical uncomfortableness. Now when I’m shooting for an hour with my leg up in the air and I’m bent sideways over the arm of a couch, I can get into the space where I think, “There’s nothing wrong, it’s just a sensation.” That helps. It also helps me observe my thoughts while I’m shooting—it’s a sort of interesting distance that helps me be aware of where my body is and what I look like to the camera. There are lots of other ways it helps but those are the ones I can explain right off without sounding bonkers.

QC

So, you’re based in San Francisco, did you partake in Dore Alley this year? How was that? And of course, after the GAYVNs, I am sure you are doing Folsom.
Conner

I worked doing naked Twister for Steamworks at Dore—I do that every year. This time around it was me, Samuel Colt, Alessio Romero, Race Cooper and a few other guys. We stand on the stage in jockstraps or towels or nothing and people from the audience pay to come up and play Twister with us. The money all goes to charity—in this case, St. James Infirmary, which is a sexual health clinic started by and made for sex workers. Yeesh, I sucked way too much dick on that board this time around. Or not enough. I always confuse those two. I’ll be doing the same thing at Folsom. Come!
QC
I love Dore Alley… and Naked Twister at Steamworks is exactly why. Mmmm. I missed it this year, but definitely plan on attending Folsom. Particularly with the GAYVNs also (finally) happening at the same time. Congratulations on your nomination, by the way! So, how did you end up in San Francisco?
Conner

It’s a long and complicated story that involves me losing everything. Everyone gets at least one go-round like that in their lives, a time where everything falls apart and only what’s true is left standing.
I’ll elaborate on elsewhere at some point- but basically I drove here with nothing—All the way across the country from Massachusetts—I had a long lonely drive with lots to think about.
I arrived in the city and I felt so welcomed—my best friend (another ex boyfriend) was here already. I had an apartment immediately. I was surrounded by kind and loving people. I bumped into an old friend from college. It took awhile, but I was encouraged to come to life again. San Francisco is the right place for that. This city is sleepy, nurturing, and compassionate. If you’re in trouble, come here. Of course, lots of people get into trouble here too. But I think if you’re really down and out, San Francisco has a way of helping you.
QC
I agree with you. I came to the city out of college in the same way. Without a job, without a clue and really just needing to get away from my old life. The city has a long history of that sort of thing. From the sailors that never went home to live a life together with their sea-mates to gay guys who perceive the city as sort of a gay mecca. It’s definitely a unique city. But as my first boyfriend in the city wisely recited to me, “the san francisco bay is a beautiful thing, but her waves are treacherous and could very well consume and drown you. If you’re wise, you’ll just learn to take the bridge.” I will remember that for the rest of my life!
Conner or shall I call you Ondine? It has been an absolute pleasure seeing the heart behind the jizz. We can’t wait to see, read and hear more from you. And I am sure there are a lot of fans who’d love to hang out with you (among other more wild scenarios), but that’s the one thing you’d like to tell (or ask) them?
Conner
The one thing I’d ask of my fans or fans of porn in general—try to have a good heart and try to incorporate your sexual desire into the rest of your life.
I feel a real sadness when I read a porn blog about some new, bright porn guy and in the comments below, users say hateful things about his body. Not because I feel badly for the new kid, but because I feel badly for the guys that wrote that. What are those guys so angry about? Why do they have to be mean? Those aren’t rhetorical questions, I actually want to know. Psychoanalyst Wilhelm Reich once said that the most violent hatred is the hatred those who don’t have an integrated sexuality have towards those who do. Of course, not all porn stars have an integrated, healthy sexuality, but if you feel anger towards them or the need to post a cruel comment, ask yourself why.
In general, I’m grateful to have a bunch of amazing, kind-hearted fans who don’t do stuff like that. But if you catch yourself, examine your feelings.
QC

Good advice! Thank you, so much again for talking to us.

Wanna see more of Conner Habib?
Check out his work right here on QueerClick.
Or visit Conner’s Website: Conner Habib’s Website
The GAYVNs will be at the Castro Theater in San Francisco, September 24th and a start to the infamous, deviant, and wonderful Folsom Street Fair.
This interview also appears on gay.com, as well as more information about Conner Habib.