Wilfried Knight: This Isn’t About His Death, But About Us All
I have been reeling about how best to write this love and admiration down in words. I want to honor Wilfried Knight’s memory. I want to respect his devastated family. Should I write anything? Would this upset Wilfried if I wrote it? Of all of these questions: One thing is very clear, I need to make sure his message underneath this tragedy is made loud and clear.
First you should know: Wilfried Knight was a porn star (he laughed at that term) who I first swooned over for years prior, and of course was thrilled to land an interview with for QueerClick. The funny thing about that interview was that it never really ended. Our emails, our phone calls or agreements to meet up at Venice Beach and build a sand castle; laugh while people-watching; guzzle some of the worst cheap wine in WeHo; or talk about music—all of this, became much more than an interview.
Wilfried became a loved one in my life, because he was always so honest and unguarded about his own life. Often proclaiming to be the Susan Lucci of porn stars (nominated, but never a big winner), he was quite proud of his intentionally offensive Sacrificed Jesus-in-Leather statement at the GAYVNs, which also was the night where he finally won. And at the end of that night, I’ll always remember him saying very sincerely, “I want to thank you for always being a friend to me first.” Something about his good nature, made it easy for Wilfried to be friends with anyone who was honest with him.
Wilfried was fucking funny. Genuine. Passionate. Proud. Beautiful—inside and out.
This isn’t about another porn star killing himself.
In defense of his life, I want people to know about the person behind the porn star: Wilfried was always appreciative that in addition to the day-to-day pursuits in his life, he could supplement his life with making a little money through porn and the benefits often associated with being in porn. He understood the toll it took on you physically and emotionally and seemed to have it all in a very healthy perspective. He had seen so many crash on to the scene, become icons of the industry only to be replaced. He understood the ego you needed and often made fun of it. He had a firm grip on how porn could damage young, naive models and showed concern and advice to his porn colleagues (occasionally ruffling a few feathers here and there). He had good scenes and bad scenes and never really wanted to watch any of them. Porn created income to do things he wanted to do, travel, explore volcanoes, hike with his beloved “pig daughter” dog, study and learn and figure out ways to live a long and happy life. He was proud he had fought cancer and survived. Wilfried hated porn, but also loved it. His approach seemed wise and completely healthy.
I honestly believe his death had nothing to do with porn and find myself getting frustrated when I read people speculating it was his association with porn that led to his passing. Yes, it’s because of porn that we know his name, and that’s it. So let’s put the conversation that this industry is what killed him aside, please.
A life filled with much love
For those that spent much time with him, you knew the love of his life was Jerry. From my perspective, these were friends, and the porn conversation faded out of the context the more and more as I got to know them both. They had the same issues we all do: worries about work, money, making and nurturing friendships, keeping up their house, and planning their long future together. Jerry worked hard and was passionate. They had enough years together, they knew each other and became the type of couple that understood one another. Wilfried studied and worked equally hard to contribute back to their relationship.
I don’t want to talk about the deaths
You can read the details elsewhere. But all you really need to know is the love between these two grew. Wilfried and Jerry moved from my home of Portland to Vancouver with much relief and hope. The move allowed them to stay together (Wilfried was at risk in the United States of being deported back to France). From what I knew, Jerry was excited about taking on a challenge with a seemingly cool company (Lululemon Athletica) and they hoped being legally married in Canada would help point out to all why we should continue to demand and fight for equalities as recognized and respected gay people and couples anywhere in the world.
For Jerry, Lululemon turned out to be far different than the image they present to the world. The company’s pressures, ethics and the unfortunate behaviors of the people Jerry worked with destroyed his hope and went against the values of what that company preaches to its customers. Having known the good, passionate and brilliant work Jerry did before, I knew something else was going on—including some blatant homophobia. As we feared, Jerry was pushed out of Lululemon and then the company basically discarded their rights as a married couple. Jerry was clearly devastated from this, leading to his own suicide. (You can read about this in Wilfried’s own words on his blog.)
This is the story
This is a story about two gay men, in love, as a couple. This could be a couple you know. This could be you. And this is ultimately about what happens when times are tough. Money unfortunately rules our lives and when ends don’t quite meet or worse when you know you have the skills to do something really well and the company’s politics get in the way of that ability, or worst of all you find yourself out of a job with no path ahead, it naturally adds pressure to everything. For a gay, multinational couple, fears of deportation or being separated only compounds the problem.
So to say the pressures put upon Jerry and Wilfried were heavy is an understatement. And from my perspective, battling with depression seems like a natural side effect. The real story in this tragedy is: that we all at some point battle with depression on some level. Sure, we joke we’re depressed when we’re sad. We brush it off. But real depression often associated with stress, or perhaps being bullied at school, or sometimes after having a child, or losing loved ones, or because of the pressures of the world can be far more devastating to our lives and choices than we imagine possible. It can lock us in our rooms. It can make us change our personalities completely and it can make us seriously consider just ending it all.
I don’t want to write about my friends Wilfried and Jerry in a sensational, sickeningly exploitive way, nor do I ever want to judge their actions. It’s not anyone’s place and I hope this isn’t reading like that. I loved them and will always honor them.
I want this incident to evolve to a conversation about depression and conquering that feeling of hopelessness. And in some ways this writing is a way to battle my own depression in discovering that I have lost so many of my friends. It’s so easy for it to creep up in our lives and debilitate us. Out of nowhere the strongest willed people, can be humbled. And doctors and friends will tell you the best way to deal with depression is to write (as I am now) and talk about the problem. Get it out in the open. Fight against it. Be brave, when all you want to do is hide. And yes, I know it’s not that easy.
My own (often hidden) battles with depression have never been conquered, instead it chooses to be a roller coaster year after year. And so, I want to reach out and be open about it. And as a gay man, I think we sing and talk about being family and being united all a little too lightly sometimes. Especially when year after year friends, porn stars and gay men and women everywhere are taking their own lives. Yes, I realize more than ever we need to put the rainbow-flag-Gay-Pride-parade cliches aside and sincerely reach out to one another and be there for each other.
Yes, let’s have fun, and enjoy porn and be over-the-top. But let’s also devote the rest of 2013 to being sincere: Real to each other and genuinely helping each other. Let’s not call this “another porn star dead” like it’s a virus that is attacking only guys in porn. Let’s talk about the pain we all go through. Let’s honor our friends. Let’s get mad and fight for opinions and laws that don’t make sense (DOMA, anyone?). Your kindness, not judgement can make a huge difference. Let’s be better to one another and braver to be pissed off and call someone out on their shit when they’re not being fair or respecting human life.
Let’s make 2013 about respecting our lives and friends. Okay?
If you are battling with being depression, please know you are not alone. The conversation about Wilfried’s death came up amongst our own QueerClick team and then how we all have gone through different levels or pain and forms of depression. I suspect you have too. But none of us have ever really talked about it. I say, let’s talk about it and make ourselves stronger and healthier. And if you have no one to talk to, find it. There are great resources at Gay & Lesbian Centers in bigger cities, as well as helplines to anyone regardless of where you live:
If you are experiencing a crisis of your own (in the U.S.), please call 1-800-784-2433
Outside of the U.S., Befrienders Worldwide can easily find a helpline: befriends.org
The National Suicide Prevention Line
(suicidepreventionlifeline.org)
1-800-273-TALKThe GLBT National Help Center
(glbtnationalhelpcenter.org/)
1-888-843-4556The Trevor Project
(thetrevorproject.org/)
1-866-488-7386GLSEN Anti-Bullying, Harassment or Discrimination Resources
(glsen.org)
1-800-273-TALKStop Bullying
Stop Bullying Help ResourcesAlso, just Google a search for some organization locally if you can, or reach out to friends—that includes us here at QueerClick.
Wilfried and Jerry wanted us to have this conversation. It’s clear from Wilfried’s writings he also wanted us talk about the problem, not judge the personal decisions that they made. Not a single one of us will ever understand it completely. Respect that. Allow them peace, and use our sorrow and anger to do good for the rest of our family.
This may sound corny, but: We are a group of people judged on how we love, so let’s show them how our love can unite a community too.
