Dear Ask QC,
Well I didn't think I would be writing in, but well, here I am...
I've been dating a really hot guy (J) for the last 9 months, at first nothing more than a few hook ups and a bit of fun together but since Christmas I guess we got more involved with each other.
I didn't really think too much to be honest, I just thought we were getting along well, dating more, movies, meals, working out together, generally just hanging out and having a good time together... and of course having great sex too. Btw, we are both 28 years old, he runs his own business and I'm in the corporate world. We each have our own apartments close by but I have to move out of my place soon as the lease is expiring and will not be renewed.
So J asked me to move in to his place and I agreed I could do that while I find a new place as so far I've had no luck in finding the right apartment. It was then that he said I don't have to find a new place because he loves me and wants me to stay permanently and be with him forever.
I have to say I was shocked and blindsided with that one! I didn't see that coming at all, and it's really kinda scared me off - although I don't know why. I like him a lot, but I can't say that I love him and I feel moving in with him would be dishonest in that respect and would be a disaster, I really didn't know how to answer him either, I was literally speechless. This happened during a romantic dinner over Valentines and I feel really idiotic now in just nodding and agreeing with everything he said. I didn't actually say the words to him "I love you" but I went along with everything else just stupidly grinning, even going back to his place again that night, and yes we had great sex, it was fantastic very energetic and passionate.
My problem here is that is that I feel very dishonest and I guess I am totally scared off by the whole situation. If he had said just move in and see how it goes I would have been fine, but now I feel that by moving in I am committing to something on false pretenses. But here's the thing, I don't discount the possibility of falling in love with him, it's just that I don't feel it yet... it may happen, or it may never happen but now I am feeling pressured and don't know how to back out.
So the contract on my apartment is looming over me now, it only has a few weeks left and I have to be out. J thinks I will be moving in with him, and in fact has already suggested moving some of my things over this coming weekend. So this is freaking me out a bit now, do I tell him I don't love him? Do I try and find another place to live? Should I just end it? I'm really torn here, he's a really lovely guy and I feel I have led him along even though that wasn't my intention. I feel I've made the biggest mistake of my life, or I am about to...
If you know of any help or ways in which I can solve this situation I'd really be thankful.
Hi H and thanks for writing in with your questions and concerns. Firstly, don't ever regret making mistakes, we are all human and non of us are perfect. Making mistakes is all part of life and learning from them is how we grow. Perhaps you didn't respond in the appropriate way intially, but J did also spring this upon you. He may also have misread your signals when you said you need a new place to live and taken these as hints that you want to move in with him and on a more permanent basis. Declaring your love for someone is always a bold move and not without risks, he obviously felt comfortable enough with you to be able to say that. The main thing here is to resolve the situation you are in and reaching out for help is the first step. So, dear QC readers have you any advice for H? If you can help in anyway then please share your thoughts and experiences in the QComments section!
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Ask QC: Why did him telling me he loved me scare me off?