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Chinpoko Poll: What Lube Gets You Off The Best?

Heya kids! It’s Chinpoko, back with another probing question! The last time I asked whether you’d ever date a guy who looked just like you, and the results were about 50-50 with most of you vain whores willing to date your twin. Can’t say I blame you, but save yourself some time and just start masturbating in the mirror — it’s basically the same thing.
This week, I was on the market for some lube, and I ran across this offer for a 55-gallon drum of Passion Natural Water-Based Lube!!! That’s enough to use for the rest of your life and still leave some for your kids in the will.
And the reviews are hilarious! For example, here’s one (supposedly) from openly gay, Japanese actor and Star Trek alum George Takei:

Brad and I will be Grand Marshals at this year’s San Diego Pride Parade, and we were looking for just the right touch to add a bit of pizazz to our appearance. So when we stumbled across the PASSION NATURAL WATER BASED LUBRICANT – 55 GALLON drum, we felt we’d struck gold: “Just enough volume to soak an entire parade of spectators, and yet fits easily in our float.” Double win.
Now, how to spray the lube on the excited on-lookers? Why, by water pump gun, of course. To test out our delivery mechanism, we purchased a drum for our back yard and set up a slip and slide. I had Brad charge toward me down the slide, and I fired at will. It helped to imagine he was a Klingon Bird of Prey: Target that explosion and FIRE.
What I didn’t expect was that Brad’s forward momentum would cause him to crash into me, upending the entire drum along with us. Utter chaos. Our unfortunate cats, who had come out to judge our activities as cats will, were caught in the deluge. Looking like drowned rats, they howled and sped around the yard in hysterical circles, then tried for ten minutes to climb a tree.
Once again, the neighbors thought we’d set something on fire, so the LAFD arrived shortly afterwards. Try explaining any of this to a stranger, especially a hunky one in uniform. “Hose me down?” I offered. He kindly did, then retrieved our cats out of the tree with only minor scratches to the face. (They still aren’t speaking to us, by the way.)
Bottom line, we decided against soaking the Pride Parade revelers lest it create an “incident” that could upstage us entirely. But we do have a great new weekend fun activity.

Sooooo funny! But all this slippery, sliding silliness got me to thinking. Which lube gives you the best bang for your buck?

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