Ask QC: I don’t know what to do with my crush

Dear Ask QC,

I’m 24 years old and I’ve known I’m gay since very little so I never been with a girl because I wasn’t interested, nor even kissed a girl. I’ve always felt like I didn’t fit in my group of friends since I wasn’t ready to tell them and every time they asked if I was gay I lied. Besides, I’m not very confident of myself too and I’m really shy until I feel comfortable and that takes a lot of time. I don’t usually talk much until I’m ready so I’m a bit funny/wierd like that I guess.

Even though my parents know I’m gay, I still haven’t been with a guy or even kissed one and I’m starting to feel really lonely. All my straight friends are starting serious relationships and I don’t even get to have fun with guys 🙁 Through the years I’ve met some guys that I liked but they were all straight so I had to move on as I knew that was never going to work out.

Since my friends don’t know I’m gay and I haven’t met any gay guys to at least hang out with in school, college or work, I decided to look into these dating apps and see what I could find there. So I started browsing through these guys and not many of them really attracted me. Only a few got me to hit the like button but compatibilies were not coming that often. I chatted with one guy, he seemed fine but clearly was only interested in sex. First I wasn’t very interested but with time I started hoping for something to happen between us. We actually decided to meet up and went drinking , just talking, and that’s it. I tried to get a second meeting but he made some excuses, I don’t know if it was real or not, but it was clear we were looking for different things. I felt bad about this at first but kept continuing my search online.

Then a second match appeared and he was a really good looking guy, which I couldn’t believe because I’m a regular guy, nothing special so being “liked” by this guy made me feel really happy. We started talking about everyday things and every single thing we said made us like each other a little bit more. At the end of that day he suggested meeting and I said yes but then I realized he actually meant meeting right at that very moment. That was something I couldn’t do as I had to wake up really early the next day so I had to refuse the offer right then.

But we continued chatting though over the next few days and ended up meeting around a month ago as by then I was already pretty comfortable with him so I opened up about a lot of things. Epecially the ones that really embarrass me (like saying I’m a virgin, and that I’ve never kissed a guy. I’d never even said that to a gay guy before so this was all new territory for me). So the day we were meeting he was going out with his friends to a gay club (again, this is somewhere I’ve never been before) but I accepted that and then he set some boundaries. He was introducing me to his friends at the club as “just friends”. I was okay with that too, as that’s what we were though I found him really attractive and hoped it might be more than that.

We met, he and his friends were great, the place was awesome and I had a really good time. I tried my best to make him comfortable with me, as I can be a little awkards especially in new situations like this. I wasn’t flirty with him either so I tried to dance more with his friends than with him as he had previously mentioned the “just friends” thing and the boundaries too. The next day, though, I had a lot of mixed feelings and suggested meeting alone with him but he said no since I had already met his friends. He says that he doesn’t want to mix his friends with flings because that might break up his group of friends if I got too close to one of them and we broke up. I tried to convince him but he was pretty stubborn about it. He said that he would see me only as a friend at least in the short team – if something would happen between us it would be over time and we would have to think if we wanted to risk our friendship in case it didn’t work. He was right but I needed a better explanation. We weren’t long term friends yet (for me it’s difficult to have friends I guess, I really don’t feel part of a group easily) so the only one risking something was me losing a potential friend who was teaching me the gay world.

I confessed to him that I liked him more than just friends (another first for me) and he said that he liked me too, and he explained that he is attracted to me though it’s difficult for him to have a connection with someone and he wasn’t feeling that yet so until then we had to be just friends. I understood that too since I guess I’m pretty much like that as well. I need to know the other person first… but already I feel like I know as much as I need to know about him to feel that spark. Since then I’ve tried to push my feelings aside. I’m trying to stop fantasizing about him, but I still feel this love for him. It’s not just a lust or being horny (but yes I do feel that as well) but I really feel that I care about him deeply.

We went clubing and dancing again and everything similar to the time before, but then due to some personal circumstances we had to stop going out clubbing for a while. Since I don’t have any other gay friends I had to wait for them (I think this helped to calm me down). Recently over this last weekend though we went out again and this is where I’m getting a bit confused about the situation… here’s the facts that I need you to help me understand.

When we got to the club, he and I were the first in arrive, he asked what I had been up to since we had last met. I said the truth, I hadn’t gone out since the last time (yes I know, I’m really boring, just work and home, nothing else). He then told me he had met a guy on the dating app (my heart froze a little bit but I played it cool) and he had suggested to this guy that he join us and his friends all together at the club. Earlier that day the guy had told him he wasn’t very comfortable with that but he would meet us there at the club. Then my friend said something about his group of friends and he made it very clear I was a part of it. That made me really happy too as I was very nervous about getting kicked out soon of the group and him saying that meant a lot to me.

So, we met the guy, he was cool though I didn’t find him very attractive (but what matters is that my friends does, right?). He is visiting our country for a few months so he had some trouble with the language. Even though I was kinda jealous I was very friendly with the guy. I helped translating and explaining everything he didn’t understand and always tried to make him comfortable and part of the group, since I know what it feels to be an outsider. At one point during the conversations he asked everyone how we had all met each other in the group. I’m the only one who has met through a dating app so when it was my turn I hid the truth without specifying how exactly we had met. I did it for my friend too because I thought that saying the truth might turn his relationship with the guy a bit weird. But then of course, one his friends ended up telling everything anyway that we had met on the dating app but at least we all laughed about it, my friend said that we were just trying to hide that fact. From my point of view, I thought my friend wasn’t very interested in this new guy.

That night at the club was really great fun, we all danced a lot. I tried dancing with my friend a couple of times (he usually dances alone) but he politely refused. Sometimes other friends start dancing with him and he let them but everytime I tried to dance with him he avoided it. I don’t know if it is because he doesn’t want to give me false hope or if he’s afraid of what might happen if we are that close, I find it a bit confusing. While I was dancing, the boyfriend of one of his friends arrived, he’s a very nice and handsome man but since he is already taken I didn’t think about him. What’s more, that guy was kinda shy so to help him break the ice, I took him dancing until we ended up rubbing up with his boyfriend but I let them be when the mood was set. I was happy for my good deed and I felt rewarded by being up close and seeing them have a very hot kissing session together and right before my eyes 😛

Everything was fine up until then and I then really started to feel in the mood for what I had seen but I didn’t want to make a pass on my friend because I think it might turn awkward.. and then I looked at him and he was making out with his new friend.. and my heart froze completely for a few seconds. I played it cool and tried to forget about it and looked for a friend of his to dance with, but all of them were kissing. And that’s when I felt really bad.

I’m happy that my friend is able to be with someone and is having fun. I knew that was something that might happen so I had been preparing myself for that but my heart is not made of stone. I can’t understand why he had to set boundaries with me but not with this guy? But I think what really made me feel bad was the fact that everyone was kissing and I wasn’t. Maybe because I haven’t kissed a guy before and I’m looking for the one, but even if I wanted I don’t feel like kissing just any guy. I have to really feel it (and have a little hope the other guy is interested too) but it’s never happened yet and I want it to happen, I’m getting sad and frustrated about the situation.

So, that’s pretty much all of my story. Now, what should I do? I don’t want to lose my friend. He’s a really nice guy and we are steadily and slowly developing a really good friendship. He’s teaching me a lot of new stuff particularly about the gay scene (good and bad things, even if he doesn’t know it, like heartbreaks, etc). But I also really like him and no, not just in a sexual way. I think he is the perfect person for me and I need to and want to express with him my love and deep feelings without it getting too awkward, how do I do this? Am I just being a fool for by waiting for him? I think his relationship with this guy won’t last long as the guy is going back to his country in a few months time so it’s just a fling but it hurts to see him with him and not me. Do you think he will ever see me as more than just a friend? If I waited until now I guess I can wait a little longer but am I crazy for thinking that maybe we might grow to be really good close friends and maybe a year or more from here we might consider taking our friendship to another level?

Besides, I’m feeling lonely and although everybody says that I shouldn’t have to think about it too hard, and that the right person will appear in time.. But time is passing by and I have this deep need of kissing and feeling another man’s touch. I’m not desesperate for sex, I just want to BE with someone to care for them as they would care for me. I’m trying to look for another guy but it’s not that easy particularly as my taste seems to be very specific and I might not be matching with the ones that I pick. And like I said, being attracted physically is not even close to enough for me it has to be more than that. Besides, I find it hard to believe that guys feel comfortable being someone’s first boyfriend, is that the case? I’m starting to believe that there is no guy for me and I will always be alone, it’s getting me down and I feel kinda bad about this situation, I really need to know what to do in this situation with my crush.

Sorry for the long story guys but I needed to get it all out I guess and for you guys to be able to fully understand all the details too, so that I could get good feedback from you all. Please give me any advice you can! Thanks!

All the best, HtH

Hi HtH and thanks for writing in with your questions and concerns. Stepping out into new experiences such as this, especially when your personal gay life has previoulsy been so isolated will be a challenge at first, but it’s something you will overcome. It’s great that you made steps to seek out like minded guys and have been lucky enough to find a good friend who is happy and willing to take you out and join in and accept you as part of his group of friends too. It certainly sounds like you have developed deep feelings for him which may be more than just a crush and as this is all so new to you it’s important that you understand how you are feeling and then to communicate these feelings to him too. None of us are mind readers and so your friend may not have developed this deepness with you too yet and so communication is key to resolving any confusion or misunderstandings either of you have at this time. What the future holds together is open to all possibilities so don’t feel downhearted, it’s always good to remain optimistic but I can understand how hurtful or confusing it may be at this time especially when seeing him romantically involved with someone else. So, dear QC readers what advice would you give HtH? Have you experienced similar circumstances, how did it work out for you? What advice would you give him in his current situation? If you can help HtH answer his questions in anyway or if you would just like to share your thoughts and experiences here for the benefit of others then please do so in the QComments section!

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