QC DIY: Get Good Barma

What’s “good barma”? It’s good bar karma, being a considerate patron who treats bartenders well and is treated well in return. Whether you frequent a bar, pub, club, watering hole, or dive you can have a much better night if you’re on good terms with the bartender instead of acting like a jerk, barfing all over your mate, and felching some stranger in the toilet.
HOW MUCH DICK DO I GOTTA SUCK TO GET SOME SERVICE AROUND HERE?!: It may be less dick than you think. All you really need to do to get waited on is make eye contact with your money out, and have a bit of patience. If it’s taking a while, a wave, nod or polite “Pardon me” will do. DON’T wave your money, whistle, snap, tap your glass on the bar, yell out the bartender’s first name, or call them “pal”, “buddy”, “honey.” Those are good ways to get a dog’s attention, not a human’s.
HAVE YOUR SHIT TOGETHER: Know your order before you go up. If you don’t know what beers they serve, find a menu, list, or take a look at what’s draft or the bottles on the wall. When you step up, give your entire order instead of announcing a new drink as each one’s served. This is especially important in large groups. It’s better to have 1 person walk up with six drink orders than six individual orders—it saves time and brain power. Have your money ready when the server gives you your drinks. If you’re unsure how much that should be, ask while they’re pouring.
MAKE YOURSELF MEMORABLE (IN A GOOD WAY): Two easy ways to make sure a bartender remembers you is to tip well and keep returning to the same one. A smile, wink, or nod are always pleasant but don’t take over the bar flirting too seriously. They’re used to being hit on by drunken mutants and are probably only being nice to give you better service for a higher tip. Chat sincerely with them if they start conversation, otherwise, just wait patiently and always say “please” and “thank you” when getting your drinks. Didn’t your mother teach you anything?
DON’T BE HIGH MAINTENANCE: Cool it with the high maintenance shooters already. If you want to do a round of Blowjobs or Silk Panty shots, great. But don’t order two Buttery Nipples, a Cement Mixer, a Kamikaze, and a Donkey-Studded Hustler. It’ll only confuse and keep your server busy. And besides, a Donkey Studded Hustler isn’t even a real drink. Also, unless you’re on friendly terms with the bartender, don’t say “make it strong!” That implies that they makes weak drinks (which is insulting) and may get you a weak drink or one that tastes like rubbing alcohol.
SOME TIPS ON TIPPING: $1 per drink is average. $2 per drink is good (especially if the drink takes time to make). $3+ a drink makes you stand out. But first impressions are important, so always tip well on the first round of drinks. It’ll pay off in quicker service, better drinks, and the occasional free one. Remember to tip, especially if the server gives you a free drink or round.
Not tipping is NEVER OK. You may think it’s outrageous to pay someone an extra dollar an an already over-priced beer just for opening it, but that’s just part of the game. If you’re not going to tip (bad form indeed), don’t spend too much time apologizing for it. Just walk away with your drinks, and send someone else up to the bar next time.
TABS AND FREE DRINKS: Running a tab is sometimes a good idea as sometimes bartenders won’t remember to charge you for every drink. It’s a bad idea however, if the server overcharges you and you’re too drunk to remember what you had. So, as a general rule, remember how much you’ve charged on a tab. If the server undercharges you, tip well. If they overcharge you, state your case and listen to theirs. If a certain bartender usually charges you less on a tab, ask for them to handle it for you. If someone you’re not used to runs your tab and doesn’t give you free drinks, suck it up and pay the tab. Complaining that the other guy normally hooks you up may get him into hot water or make you look like a cheap ass who doesn’t deserve free drinks to begin with.