At CMNM.net, 19 year-old schoolboy Noah has been a very naughty young lad. Couched at the back of the classroom he writes nasty notes about respected and feared headmaster Mr Swallow. He’s not getting away with it anymore! In this detention the simpering pink-cheeked boy gets a lesson he’ll never forget. The teachers strip the arrogant little twit of his uniform, examining and groping his naked body in intimate detail. Boys Noah’s age are intensely embarrassed about their private bits so making him display them and having his tender penis and asshole touched by older clothed teachers is excruciatingly embarrassing for him.
Because Jersey Shore’s Snooki said that her male co-star Vinny has a cock the size of a watermelon, Playgirl now wants Vinny to pose naked for them. D-Listed has the deets:
Daniel Nardicio of Playgirl tells Life & Style’s Scene Queens that they put out the offer to Vinny after Snooki said on an episode of Jersey Whores that smooshing him was like putting a “watermelon into a pin hole.” Snooki is already the size of a watermelon, so my guess is that Vinny’s dick is bigger than her. Snooki normally looks like an Oompa Loompa, but when Vinny stuck it in she swole up like Violet Beauregarde. More like a garden snake eating a water buffalo.
Playgirl is not stopping there either. They also want to make a rubber replica of Vinny’s watermelon cock through their company Clone-A-Willy. They will give Vinny a cut of the profits.
D-Listed points out that they’re only offering Vinny $30,000 when they paid Alaskan flunkie Levi Johnston $150,000 for an ultra-blah photo shoot where he didn’t even show his hockey stick. And he certainly didn’t make a dildo out of his baby-maker.
HOLD OUT FOR MORE MONEY, VINNY!!! The Jersey Shore cast already struck for more money when MTV wanted to pay them a paltry $10K per episode. Vinny should do the same. Just send Nardicio (and us) a picture of your fat cock and say that you’ll hold your penis hostage until he pays up.
In the meanwhile if you want to see another watermelon-cocked boy, take a look after the jump!
The Endurance Jack Mouth is being retired (awwww….), and we’ve decided to give it a proper send-off it deserves. Every sex toy needs to be treated with respect! Right now get the Endurance Jack Mouth–complete with case–for the lowest price ever, only $44.95! (Regularly $69.95) But hurry, this offer won’t last long (but you will, if you buy it)! Endurance Jack info:
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Have you ever been rejected by someone you really wanted to like you? Then perhaps you know how this angry panda feels. Panda is a European brand of cheese that won’t be denied. Don’t let his cute fuzzy face fool you. You’re gonna eat his goddamned fromage or else Panda’s gonna put you in a world of hurt. And you thought pandas were gentle, bamboo eating creatures. Yeah… not when rejection’s on the line.
Eddie Long is the politically powerful and infamous bishop of the 25,000 member New Birth Missionary Baptist Church. He once led an anti-marriage equality march to the gravesite of Martin Luther King, has written such anti-gay bestsellers as I Don’t Want Delilah and Gladiator, the Strength of a Man, and has led gay conversion groups like Out of the Wilderness and Sexual Reorientation—all to set homos on the straight path to his bedroom heaven. But now that 3 of his young male congregates are suing him for sexual abuse and coercion, Long might need some conversion help of his own.
The three men (now around age 23) joined Long’s group “the Spiritual Sons” around age 18. They allege that Long discouraged them from having relationships with teenage girls, enticed the men with cars, jewelry, and electronics purchased with church money and then presented the gifts in private commitment ceremonies to cement their bond. He’d also take the young men on expensive trips via jets to luxury hotels with one bed and then coerce them to touch and perform oral sex on him while using biblical scriptures as support.
The attorney representing the boys said, “[Bishop Long] would use biblical stories to talk about how important it was to follow your leader, and your master. And let him know that the acts he was engaged in were not necessarily… homosexual… but that rather Bishop Long was ‘releasing his passion’—and ‘his love’ for [the young congregant).”
Right now this is only an alleged crime. Long and his lawyer have denied the charges outright. Though Long cancelled a press interview to discuss the charges today, he says he will defend himself from the pulpit this Sunday. Nevertheless, disgraced anti-gay pastor and alleged prostie-loving meth queen Ted Haggard spoke in support of Long:
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Haggard said that Long deserves a fair hearing and that if the accusations are false, he will survive the ordeal. ‘The bishop is surrounded by people that will counsel him well,’ he said. Haggard, who was a superstar among the Christian right until a gay sex scandal forced him to resign, said that all too often unsavory allegations can tarnish a person’s reputation, even if they are unproved. ‘Public perception becomes more important than the facts,’ he said. While stressing that nothing had been proved against Long, whom he said he has met once or twice, Haggard said it’s important to remember that all Christians struggle with sin. ‘It’s fundamental to all Christian beliefs that Christians are simultaneously saints and sinners,’ he said. ‘We’re saints in the eyes of God, but we all know we’re sinners, which is why we value redemption.'” Added Haggard: “Nobody’s guilty until the court says he’s guilty.”
We’re sure Long appreciates Ted’s support. But did Long pull a George “Rentboy” Rekers or have these men come forth to smear his good name? We certainly hope it’s the former. Not to make light of these serious accusations, but it’s always satisfying when a rabid anti-gay bigot turns out to be a butt-loving queermo. Long sent the picture above of him pulling a GuysWithiPhones pose to one of the young men suing him, adding “Eddie L. Long, Amazed by His Grace.”
Let’s see what happens next…
During the 2009 Super Bowl, QC reader Ns8tiable1 sat on the sixth row of the 45-yard line and snapped this picture of Arizona Cardinal #29 Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie and his absolutely obscene bulge. “It is not touched or altered,” Ns8tiable1 assured us but we’d sure like to touch and alter Dominique’s bulge (with our mouths). Seriously, that is a fat hot piece of meat and we’re wondering whether the excitement of gameplay or the sexy Cardinals mascot got Rodgers-Cromartie all hot and bothered. Even though the Cardinals lost that game, this picture makes us feel like winners!
For more celebrity bulges, check out The Bulge Report.