Ask QC: Coming Out Again at 40 – Am I Turning Bi?

Hi QC,

At 40, I thought I had myself figured out, I’ve been openly gay since my early 20’s, and my identity has always been a source of pride and community. But lately, I’ve found myself questioning something I never expected: my attraction to women. While I have always admired strong females, I’ve never been sexually attracted — not even in my teenage years.

It seems to have started subtly, with just a conversation with a female work colleague, and weirdly I found myself getting sexually aroused. At the time I put it down to the fact we were chatting about our boyfriends and she had been telling me about her wild weekend of hot sex. While I was curious about these feelings it’s weird they persisted and it’s not as though I kept thinking about her BF sexually, it was more focused on being with her and having actual sex together.

I have always acknowledged that I continue to learn about my sexuality, in so far as I started out as an “oral and masturbation only” guy, became a bottom and in later years discovered being a top and am now happily vers. I’ve been open to introducing games, role-play, toys and porn into the bedroom with my partner. But being attracted to women sexually, until now, has never entered my mind before. Is it possible to experience a shift in sexual orientation at this stage in life?

I know it’s very easy to label or pigeon hole — we’re taught to see identity as a box to check, but the idea of “turning bi” feels strange, almost like betraying the gay community that’s been my home. Yet, I know that bisexuality isn’t a phase or a compromise — it’s a valid orientation, one that deserves the same respect and legitimacy.

My question is have others here experienced this too, and how did they handle it? I’ve discussed this with my current partner, initially we talked about open relationships but the female part of the conversation has him as confused as I am. If anyone has any advice or experiences to share I’d be really grateful — thanks!

Toby M.

Hi Toby and thanks for writing in with your questions and concerns. Sexual discovery, and fluidity, is a life long journey and many people experience shifts in attraction as they age. Personal growth, changing relationships or simply a deeper understanding of themselves. We understand that this can be both liberating and terrifying too, and that is the thing about humans, we don’t have all the answers yet (and maybe never will). But we do have a wonderful and diverse community here, of all ages and with all types of experiences to share.

So dear QC readers, what advice would you give Toby? Have any of you ever experienced a similar situation to this? Please share your thoughts, advice and own experiences in the QComments section below!

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