No One Takes Michael Lucas For A Ride!

Dear Lucas Entertainment,
We all know that Michael Lucas is known for having an enormous prick. But now it seems that flaky actors have recently given the hung top a pain in his ass. While shooting Flip This! in Atlanta, several of his “models” no-showed, leaving his more responsible models literally holding their dicks until he could find replacements.
Michael’s solution from now on? Making models pay for their own flights.* He says that over 10 years, Lucas Entertainment has lost tens of thousands in missed flights and that models who don’t have enough money and credit cards to by a round-trip ticket are probably reckless and won’t show up anyway.
Hard times call for hard measures, Mr. Lucas. Rising travel costs hurt us all&mdash but by forcing your models to pay, you may overlook a ramen-eating, Starbucks-slinging stud who just couldn’t afford to become the next international porn sensation on his own. Plus, just because you want your models to pay, doesn’t mean Mother Nature should have to as well. So instead, we’re offering the following suggestions to ease your travel cost woes and set you apart as a kinder, greener pornographer:
1. GREEN SCREEN PORNOS: Michael, instead of bringing your actors to Atlanta, try bringing Atlanta to your actors! By having your stable of men fuck in front of a green screen, you could not only save thousands in travel and hotel clean-up costs (anal leakage leaves heavy-duty stains), but also stage pornos in the most fantastical locations. Forget Atlanta… how about Atlantis?!! A haunted spaceship??! or the Cliffs of Hades!!! You could even incorporate CGI or animation into your films and do away with actors and locations completely!
2. LOYALTY OATHS AND PORN GOONS: Did you know the words testes and testify come from the same root? In Ancient Greece, men had to swear on their nuts when appearing in court. By having your actors do the same and hiring two muscular squirrels to come and collect, your models will know they’d better show up or it’s their balls! If that’s too dire, you needn’t resort to castration. Just hire stallions instead of squirrels and have them take it out of your model’s asses. You could film the scene and still recoup your losses– everyone wins!
3. GET ECO-SEXY: It’s possible that rising energy costs are squeezing you the hardest. So, maybe you should consider revolutionizing the industry by being the first eco-friendly porn studio! You’d save money and the environment! Consider hydrogen cell and solar-powered planes for your models. Try vegan sex gear for your scenes (hemp restraints, synthetic leather, and silk-based dildos are hypoallergenic, easy to clean, and cruelty-free!). You could also record in natural settings, like beaches and rainforests that provide their sunlight and comfy grasses, instead of artificial environments with energy-sucking lights and sweatshop-made beds. That way you’d create porn that’s makes men cum and would make Mother Earth cream as well.
Either way, we hope you continue making videos of hot men fucking each other.
Love,
QueerClick
[*EDITOR’S FOOTNOTE: After posting, one commenter correctly reminded us that Mr. Lucas is indeed reimbursing his models for their flights after the shoot. We do try to be accurate and fair, even in humorous pieces. So thanks for speaking up!]