QueerClick

I think, the best way to approach the subject is to keep it all about yourself. Go to your brother and let him in on your secret, tell him that you feel you can trust him. If and when hes ready to tell you about his curiosity (thats all you know for sure) he will tell you, and hes more likely to do so if you dont confront him.

How you found out is not important so stop worrying about it.

What I would recommend is creating as safe an environment for your brother to come out without making it look like you are specifically targeting him.

In other words, give him plenty of clues that you will be accepting and continue loving him if he's gay or bi.

Even if he doesn't come out, he will pick up on the clues and feel safer for it.

I guess the biggest clue you could give him is to come out to the family or just come out to him but do that only if you are ready and willing to do it.

If the prospect of coming out is too daunting for you then concentrate on getting comfortable with your own sexuality first and that will help you later on to make your brother feel more comfortable with his sexuality.

A good way to get comfortable dealing with your sexuality in a family forum is to go to a PFLAG meeting. You can find the nearest chapter of PFLAG by going to their National website www.pflag.org

Good Luck!
Philip

Are you out to him? That seems like a place to start. He might just be questioning and, really, it's none of your business until he makes it so.

I'm a 40yo gay man with a 34yo bi brother - who hasn't been with a woman in 15 years. My best friend is a 27yo gay guy with a 25yo gay brother. I've made a non-scientific study of the phenomenon, and could site dozens of other cases of siblings or close cousins who are linked by gayness.
As for how to tell him, don't tell him you know about HIM... just tell him about YOU. Do your own coming out to him and pave a path for him to open up to you.

I know of a family with three boys and two of them are gay. they are like 22 and 20 and they both do drag. I also know of a family that has two girls and a guy and one girl is a lesbian and the brother is gay. So i mean its not common but there are certainly family's out there.

I dunno how i would feel about a gay brother since i am an only child but imo i think you should tell him, i think you guys would bond much better knowing that he can tell you things. I think it would be cool.

NEED VS WANT - First, figure out why you want to tell him.
A: Is it because YOU want to say something following your 'discovery'?
Or
B: Is it because HE needs to 'know he's got an older brother who's really happy about it and can be supportive'--any signs hitherto that he was suffering emotionally and is in need of support?

ME, HIM, BOTH - I say do not mistake what you feel with what he may or may not feel; mistake what you want for what he may or may not want; or mistake what being both gay means for each of you respectively.

I KNOW ABOUT YOU VS YOU KNOW ABOUT ME - Remember that these two are not necessarily the same. Instead of telling him that you know about him ("I know that you're gay."), why not let him know about you ("I'm gay, by the way.")--let him decide how to react (whether it is joy, indifference or something else) and let him make the next move if he wishes.

PS: I have two sisters, one of who is my fag hag while the other is largely indifferent. I also know someone who was one of seven brothers and who swears that there was incest from age six but the rest are supposed to be straight.

If you're ready to ask if he's gay, I think you should first make sure you're comfortable enough with him knowing that you yourself are gay, and come out to him. If you're going to be supportive, I think it's important to be honest with him as well. You may want to do this separate from asking him if he's gay, so that his coming out is his own. Once you tell, he may be willing to share something (he's questioning, he's bisexual etc...). Let him share if he's willing.

Whenever you decide to ask, I wouldn't bring up his porn stash, at least as the catalyst for your asking if he's gay :) You can't expect him to trust you, while at the same time admitting you, however unintentionally, found something of his you weren't meant to see. He may see this as breaking his confidence. I would discuss it with him in general. You're gay and were wondering if he might be, too. Again, he may bring it up immediately after you come out to him or after a while. It should be his decision.

If you decide to discuss it with him, he may react by denying it. This might seem surprising. (My kingdom for a queer sibling :) If he's struggling himself, your being gay might hit too close to home and bring up issues he isn't ready to deal with. Also, he may have found some sense of peace with his own sexuality by telling himself that, hey, at least my older brother's straight and will carry on the family name, have a "real family", make my dad proud, etc. (These aren't the only reasons for such a reaction, and of course, I don't know your family, I just wanted to give a few examples.) Certainly accept denial as one answer and respect his choice to tell you in his own time.

As for gay siblings in general, there is still so much we don't know understand about homosexuality and genetics and the role of nature in it. I recall a few recent studies have been released that show that men with older brothers have a higher "chance" of being gay, which may lend significance to the role of hormone exposure during pregnancy. Also, the sisters of gay men seem to have more children, possibly a higher fertility rate, which might suggest a genetic predisposition. (Do a news search or see http://www.smh.com.au/news/science/young-man-does-science-see/2008/06/25/1214073342446.html)

If you have a LGBT center in your area, they might have advice, anecdotes, or books about gay siblings. You sound like you care and that's the most important thing. Best of luck!

Here's one for the books
out of 4 kids in my family (4 boys) all 4 of us are gay
Says something for Nature versus Nurture

I'm gay... 24... have a 21 year old brother who i just found out was gay... he dated girls his whole life, then i actually caught him on adam4adam.com... lol... I didn't accuse him of being gay, b/c he's an attractive guy and anyone could make up a profile w/ anyone's picture. I asked him if he knew what adam4adam was, and he responded yes. I asked if he had a profile and there, and he said "yes but don't tell anyone"... As his older brother, him and i have always had a bond that is undeniably strong and trustworthy. I've known for about 2 weeks now, haven't told anyone but have spoke to him about just coming out and letting yourself be free -- it was the best thing i did, after i kept it in (like he is) for years and years.
So my advice to you is to just talk to him, without accusing him and keep the line of communication open between yourselves, but with a trustworthy line there too.
And the 2nd part, I dont know if it's "common" for siblings to be gay, but not only am i and he gay, but my mom's brother is gay and he has a son who is gay too. So 4 in my family, lol...

Sounds like you have plenty of advice already. The answers to your questions may be simpler than it sounds.

First, you were looking for something he didn't return. Yes, you did some snooping, but you were really just looking for something he didn't return, not snooping just to be nosy. You can just tell him you do respect his privacy, and sincerely apologize for not thinking. He should understand, if not sooner than later because that's fair. We all make unintentional mistakes.

It's really a wonderful thing if you both can get past that and other details. You can even say so when you tell him you're gay. You can then tell him the good things you really want to say that you told us. How you support him, and are happy for him. Your sincerity should speak louder than words, so don't worry. This is all about the fact that you're love and care about each other as brothers. If that's in your heart, he should be able to see that sooner of later.

There are many gay people who have gay siblings. I wish I did. You may know this already, but not only is it normal to be gay as it is being heterosexual, it's normal to have other gay people in your family. It's as basic as...wherever there are people, there are...people: men, women, gay people, heterosexuals, so forth. Whether people are out to themselves or others is another question.

Don't waste your time feeling bad for yourself. This was a good thing that happened. I'm wishing you and your brother, and your family a lot of luck. You are very lucky.

I just wrote a comment. After reading the other replies to your questions, comments, I have to agree that it may be the safest and gentlest thing for you to first just come out to him. See how he handles it. You may find you can soon share/ get off your chest/ your discovery of his mags and apologize for that. Or you may realize it is best to wait for another time to share that, depending on when you think he would be ready. In the meantime, don't spend a second worrying about the snooping part. You're a good caring, brother. Plus we all care about and are rooting for the both of you.

I think an important missing piece of information is: Why haven't YOU come out to your family? If there's a good reason then he is probably just as leery of the family finding out as you are, and for him, that would include YOU finding out since he doesn't know you're not a part of the problem. Since you found out accidentally it's not something you should "confront" him with, just be supportive when needed. If you think he needs support NOW then casually let him know you're gay and that you're perfectly comfortable with it. That would give him someone he can trust within the family. Then, if and when he's ready, he'll let you know.

I agree with the others, tell him about yourself first and see where that goes. My partner is the youngest of four brothers and the three youngest are gay. I have a friend who's family has seven children, three girls and four boys, five are either gay or lesbian. Your definitely not alone.

It's common for siblings to be gay... I found that out moving to a bigger city.

The BEST thing you can do for your brother is to come out. If you're scared to do it all at once, just leave "breadcrumbs" leading to your sexuality. Anyone interested will be able to follow the trail to the correct conclusion.

Become passionate about who you are, that's the opposite of shame and passion is NOT the same as flaunting. Become politically involved and let the world see that you support the correct causes, including human rights for refugees, gays and other outcasts.

Show your folks how wonderful having a gay son can be. Invite your close friends to the house to throw a dinner party, and invite your folks.

If you come out to your folks and they freak, at least your little bro can see what's going on. Chances are, your folks already know (unless you're the captain of the football team and a middleweight mixed martial-arts champion -- then they might be surprised).

Don't tell him that you have been snooping at his room.
You tell him that you are GAY and speak about yourself before
you ask your brother. I am sure that your brother is going to be
grasshopper all over house that you and him will be closer tied
family.

Hey Dude

well as a Gay man myself I have an older Brother who is also gay, and I knew about him for several years but never worked up the courage to tell him, until one day when one of the guys that I was "seeing" (which at the time I was in the closet so he would have been my "friend" for the public eye) he started befriending my brother and actually ended hooking up with him, and that was when I said this whole secretive thing has got to stop, I have to lay it out so people and my brother know what's going on, the guy I never saw or hanged out with again, but because of the whole secret I gave him a chance to do that, I didn't know for sure because they were only "friends" so I had to confront my brother not only about this guy, but about his sexuality and I did, and the only regret that i have was not to have done it sooner, I was 24 and he was 29, and as a younger brother I wish I had this kind of relationship that I now have with him sooner, I would advice you to simply talk to him, and it wouldn't hurt to start by telling him that you are gay first (remember if you want honesty form somebody, you have to be honest yourself first) and then tell him that no matter what he is, gay or straight or whatever you will be there for him and that he can count on you for everything.

I was a gay man in the closet for so long and sometimes things happen in your life that you feel all alone and without nobody to tell your things or ask for advice and is really sad being surrounded by people and felling all alone at the same time, so I'm telling you nothing bad can come out of you telling him that he can trust you for anything and at the same time you can trust him and having somebody like your brother as a confident is a great thing, usually family sticks together and never betray you... most of time that is lol

well tom, i'm gay and ironically so is my older brother. He came out to me and my younger brother his first year of college. He told my parents and everything is cool. I am only open to some of my friends, well most, except my parents. i don't feel quite comfortable yet telling them even though they are so supportive of my older brother. I always thought since i was younger that my old brother was gay and was affirmed of his gender as in h.s i found gay porn on the family computer and let me tell you they were certainly not mine lol. Anyway I never asked him about it and eventually he came out as will your brother. But, just because i didn't bring it up doesn't mean you shouldn't. Having a gay brother is so much fun. It sounds lame but you feel like you have a special connection with him. You guys can talk about cute guys, go out together, it's a really good time. Except when you both fall for the same guy which then it gets ugly but for the most part its great. So do it, out 'em!

Definitely don't let on that you know, but if you feel open enough to come out to him, do. He's your little brother, and believe me, he really looks up to you. Knowing that your gay may or may not lead him to come out, but knowing that you're fully open to him will at least give him the security he needs for what he is going through.

If he takes your coming out to him very well and is very positive, just thank him -- thank him for being there and for understanding and that you're glad the two of you have the freedom to tell each other how you feel. Don't push any further than that, though -- just let him come out to you when and how he'd like to.

I have fond that it is not uncommon to find a brother or sister of a gay guy or girl is also gay. Sometimes in the closet.

My ex James went to take a shower one morning and his ounger brother Ben hoped in bed to snuggle with me....... Oh well. I didnt think that much about it cause he was a really sweet loving guy who was really a "huggy" kinda guy. As I started to fall back asleep I felt him like a little bunny kinda humping a bit. I turned to look at him and saw a devious little smile that told me his "secret".

In my 40 years I have run into many of my boyfriends brothers having supressed feelings towards guys.

I would suggest what other QC buddies have said to do like make it about you and come out to him. If he reacts badly or negative, slap him in the ear with your penis and call him a closet case.

Troy

Come out to your younger brother first - then see how he reacts. As the older sibling, you should be the one to take that first step.

About gay family members: I am gay as well as my older sister. One uncle and three cousins are openly gay as well. These extended family members run along the matrilineal line.

My boyfriend has two siblings in his family that are gay (one brother and one sister)...

No gay brothers (yet - my little brother is flameboyant and will most likely be gay unfortunately for my mom and dad, so for their sakes I hope not) but I have several relatives who are gay. Cousins and uncles, men and women. All in the closet but some are more obvious than others. Anyway, just talk to him I guess? Nothing wrong with it. You found out accidentally, you're concerned or want to be supportive and that's it. Honesty and sincerity would be best at this point I think.

Good luck.