Ask QC: Have I Been Raped?

Hi QC,

I have a bit of a dilemma. I’m 18 and recently started college as a freshman after leaving home this year. I’m not out to my family but have a BFF who has been very supportive through my teens when I was struggling with my identity and accepting myself for who I am. I’m totally fine with all of that stuff now, and moving to the city from a rural town to start college has been very exciting. Especially as I can live my life being gay and out without the prejudice that would happen in my home town (and my family is quite homophobic too).

The dilemma I have is actually with my bestie, as she insists I have been raped, or at least seriously sexually molested, but I do not feel this is the case. As she is still living back in my home town and I’m in the city, we only get to text and FaceTime; we confide in everything (including our sexual adventures).

So I decided to go off campus to some gay bars, the first time for me and a little scary, especially going in alone and not knowing anyone. The first two bars I just finished my drink quickly and left as I felt so self-conscious, but the 3rd bar was great with more of a dance party vibe happening. Not that I am a great drinker, but I seemed to fit in with a crowd of older guys (mid to late twenties) and even got invited back to a house party too!. For me, it seemed like heaven watching guys kissing and being intimate together and dancing, but I got a little too drunk, till I was sick and vomiting in the bathroom. The couple who’s house said I could stay and use the spare bedroom where I crashed out. During the night, I heard someone come in and lay next to me on the bed. I was fully awake, but (not sure why) I pretended to still be asleep. I was really hoping we would have sex, but I’m not that experienced so didn’t know how to move forward with the situation. Well, the guy then lifted my shirt, kissed my nipples, and moved his tongue down to my waist. He unzipped and pulled my jeans and shorts down and proceeded to kiss, lick, and suck my balls. I was super hard and erect; I don’t think I’ve ever been that hard before! Eventually he took my whole dick in his mouth and gave me the most amazing blowjob ever! When I orgasmed, it was totally explosive and I filled his mouth. I was quite shocked as he carried on sucking and swallowing; he took it all inside and then licked me clean. He then pulled my shorts and jeans back up and zipped me up, pulled my shirt down, and then left the room. For me, it was the most amazing experience, and I never at any time wanted him to stop, even though I kept pretending to be asleep (or a bit unconscious from being drunk).

I slept for a few more hours, and when it was light, I left the house and headed back to my dorm at the campus. I didn’t see the “hosts’ who’s party it was when I left, but there were a few guys here and there on sofas, sleeping, etc. I’m fairly certain the guy who came into the room was one of the hosts, and the guy who led me there to crash out was the one who invited me into the group in the bar and also asked me to come back to their party. I have to admit that I was being very flirty with him too, even though he was obviously with his partner as a couple (not that he seemed to mind either). I don’t know if they have an ‘open’ relationship; the thing is, I don’t even really know any of the crowd I ended up with that evening. To be fair, I wanted to go to the gay bars, but I got a bit too drunk and ended up staying over at their house.

Of course I was very excited to tell my BFF about my night out, but she was horrified and called it rape! The thing is, I don’t feel raped or violated in anyway, but perhaps ‘technically’ in the eyes of the law it is. I don’t know; I’m not a lawyer, LOL! So we kind of argued a bit about my experience; she says it was non-consensual, but I was awake and fully aware of what was happening. But she says the other guy was doing it to someone he thought was unconscious from being drunk, or at the very least asleep.

I don’t want this to be an issue between us, but I would be interested to know the opinion of other readers here. I’ve always enjoyed reading the AskQC column for advice and tips, and I don’t want to fall out with my bestie over this. I know it’s natural that now I am in college and the city, I will end up with new boyfriends and new sexual encounters. I’m trying to be sensible with that, and I’m very cautious on the apps and rarely meet up with guys. I’m not meeting with randoms for sex either; I’d rather get a boyfriend or at least a FWB. So my dilemma is how to resolve this with my BFF, and should I find/confront the guy who sucked me off? I don’t want to cause any trouble or scene with the guys who’s party it was, but I know if I go to the bars again, there is a distinct possibility I will bump into them again. What should I say if I see them? Should I pretend it didn’t happen, or should I make it clear I knew exactly what was going on? Also, what is the best way to convince my BFF that I am okay and not traumatized about this experience? For me, it felt fantastic at the time; I even jerk off to thinking about it now; thats how much I got off on it! Any advice and tips would be great, thanks!

Harper xxx

Hi Harper and thanks for writing in with your questions and concerns. While we can’t give legal advise, your encounter may well come under the purview of sexual assault. This is something that would be more clearly defined in your State and your local Police department will be able to give advice online about this. You could also contact your local or college LGBTQ+ center for advice relating to sexual matters. They will have professional counsellors who can advise you about this incident. They will be able help you with your dilemma as they will be able to clearly define (legally) what happened, and although you feel fine about that situation now, this may not always be the case. We hope that our readers will also be able to offer you advice and empathy about this incident.

So dear QC readers, what advice would you give Harper? Have any of you ever experienced a similar situation to this? Are any of you lawyers or professional counsellors who can clarify if this was rape or sexual assault? How would you overcome and resolve these issues with your close friends? Please share your thoughts, advice and own experiences in the QComments section below!

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