Pornos aren’t exactly known for their theatrical mastery. It’s too bad actually because some porn flicks are downright comical, especially when they’re trying to be serious. We stumbled across this YouTube collection of hilariously awful porn acting. And not only do they feature some of our favorite old-timey porn stars, but they also feature blatant sexual harassment and lines of dialogue so horrendous you won’t know whether to laugh or cum.
The title of this film must be Never Trust A Twink or Golddigging Twink Anger Fuck 4. In it a 38-year-old twink pretending to be 18 brags to his Latino pal Pedro about milking some sugar daddy for all he’s worth. Hey Pizza Face! Instead of fucking your John for a Sony Playstation and tickets to the summer rock festival, how about trying to score some Acutaine? That shit’s expensive, especially when you still have acne at age 34. We especially like the sugar daddy’s smug, self-satisfied expression when he catches his twink at 1:06. You can tell he thinks he’s pretty clever because he makes a face like he’s trying to hold in a poop. But why is he playing smooth jazz? Doesn’t he know that twinks only like electronic throw-up music?
Not only is Tuck Johnson stupid enough to think that an electrical box is round, but his co-worker sounds like he learned his lines phonetically and doesn’t actually know what they mean in English. Plus, how is it that Tuck got hired off of Santa Monica Boulevard but doesn’t know what a glory hole is? Any homosexual who’s older than 12 knows what a glory hole is and they know not to stick their eye in one either. No wonder more experienced gay electricians end up fucking Tuck in the ass—gotta love his facial expression though. Somebody retroactively give this boy a GayVN Award.
Remember Chase Hunter? He had a HUUUUUGE fucking dick—like crazy large. No wonder he was the starring role in Falcon’s Basic Plumbing 2 and 3. Now you can see the acting that made him famous only for having a big dick. In this clip he plays the boss of a plumbing company or a dance troupe… we guess. Who cares? Anyway, he’s proud of his new employee. But then Chad Hunt goes and ruins things by sexually harassing the newbie before the ink’s even dry on his contract. Not only is the newb not having any of it, but he also sounds like Dolph Lungren playing the scary Soviet boxer in Rocky 4. Luckily, Cha and Chase are members of the Big Dick Club and don’t need to take such little bitches so seriously… must be nice.
The facial reactions in this clip couldn’t be any better if Walt Disney himself animated them (we did hear that Disney was a bit of a perv). We like how his daddy taught him not to be ashamed of his big dick, but didn’t bother teaching him how to masturbate without tearing the skin off his cock. What sort of father does that? And even creepier, the other guy’s dad taught him how to suck a dick! Who the fuck are these fathers? Hmmm… their fake accents do sound kinda southern, so maybe they’re inbred.
And as an added bonus, we have two equally horrible if not worse 1980’s gay porn clips after the jump!
There’s nothing like the smell of a man’s virgin asshole. At CMNM.net, big muscular Allen has a particularly resistant hole and the tops loved working past his natural resistance. It’s hot how Allen’s face sneers in anger as his ass resists their invasive fingers forcing their way up his hole. It’s the same face he makes when battling through a particularly hard weight-training session.
Preston sure is a lucky guy – for his first time bottoming, he gets Ethan to top him! Ethan’s movie star looks, gorgeous body and thick dick are sure to break in Corbin Fisher’s popular new freshman properly.
Ethan kisses Preston and Preston immediately responds. Both guys’ shirts fly off and Ethan kisses Preston’s nipple.
I have been dealing with this for over a week now and I don’t know who else to turn to. I think I was raped and I feel stupid for not knowing if I was or what to do. But I’m going out of my mind and have no one else to talk to—please help me.
My name is Bryce* (*name changed). I’m 23, live way outside of Dallas, and only came out 9 months ago. My family disowned me because I’m gay and I don’t really have any friends because I’m ugly and awkward. I used to go the gay dance club in Dallas whenever I could get off work and find a ride. I went last weekend with a friend and started talking to an older guy named John* (*name also changed). John was 37 and really nice. He bought me a bunch of drinks, told me how handsome I was, and said he wanted to take me home and that he’d give me a ride home the next day.
I got really drunk and when we got to his place which was far away from the bar I told him I wanted to have sex but that I didn’t feel too good. We kissed a little bit as he began to undress me and kept saying “That’s OK, you’re alright. Don’t worry.” To be honest, I don’t have a real good memory of what happened after that. All I know is I remember getting up at one point and he was fucking me even though I was barely awake and he didn’t have a condom on either. It really hurt because he was going hard and I asked him what he was doing. He said I told him he could. I felt so bad that I got up, went to the bathroom, locked the door and made myself puke and drink water to try and wake up, but I was too tired so I fell asleep right there on the floor as he knocked on the door and told me to come out. I told him to go away and that I just wanted to go to sleep. I told him if he didn’t leave me alone, I’d call the cops.
I woke up sometime early the next morning before he got up. My ass really hurt and bled a bunch (I had only had sex one other time and it hurt then too, but this hurt more because I guess he had a big one and I wasn’t ready). I was drunk too and even though I said I wanted to have sex, I also remember saying I was too drunk and I never would have said yes to sex without a condom.
I don’t know what to do. I told my friend and he said I should get tested and I did. I’m negative right now but I could still get it in a few months. I live in a small town and don’t want to talk to anyone here because I’m afraid it will get out that I have AIDS and am a gay whore and I deserved it and everything. I also don’t have the John’s number. I walked to the nearest gas station that morning and had a friend pick me up, but I don’t know where John lives or how to get a hold of him. If I did, I don’t even know what would I say.
I hate feeling like I deserved this. I know I drinking and going home with a stranger is dumb but I got so much more tired and drunker than I ever have that I wonder if he spiked my drink. I also know I didn’t consent to sex, but if you go home with a guy that’s like asking for it right? I am also scared that I have AIDS and don’t know it. Now I don’t want to return to the bar and all my friend can say is “At least you’re alive.”
What do I do? Please help me.
Wow. A heavy one this time around and we don’t know where to begin. Namely, Bryce needs some serious help and someone to talk to. He’s also got some serious self-esteem issues and probably needs to leave his small town and find a gay mental health counselor to talk with. But should he also try and contact John or get legal help? Bryce is depending on us QueerClickers to give him the next step. Please share your advice and experiences in the comments section.
Need advice? Submit your question to Ask QC!
Ever wish you could get back at that nasty bully who tormented you in school? At CFNM.net macho Bradley is dragged into the infirmary after punching a classmate for picking flowers. His teacher Miss Keen and the school nurse check the bullied student and then strip bully Bradley fully naked to examine him as well.
Like one of those VH1 Divas specials, but just for porn… and better: It’s Naked Sword’s Golden Gate. That’s right. This is their first-ever original production, and Naked Sword has gathered up some of the hottest guys in porn this year for their new series of sexy goodness called, Golden Gate. Directed by the amazing Chris Ward, Naked Sword’s first episode of Golden Gate gives us a taste of what we can look forward to—and we have no complaints. Basically, its an exploration of the sex lives of gay men living in San Francisco, each episode of Golden Gate is a well-crafted vignette that brings together two disparate elements of our city that we love so much. In this first episode, you’ll meet Ron, a successful but sexually frustrated MBA, played by Cameron Marshall, and Jeremy, an artist who’s struggling to make ends meet, played by Cameron’s real-life boyfriend Topher DiMaggio. Stay tuned, each week in November, we’ll get another taste of what Golden Gate has to offer.
