Ask QC: I Think I Was Raped…

I have been dealing with this for over a week now and I don’t know who else to turn to. I think I was raped and I feel stupid for not knowing if I was or what to do. But I’m going out of my mind and have no one else to talk to—please help me.

My name is Bryce* (*name changed). I’m 23, live way outside of Dallas, and only came out 9 months ago. My family disowned me because I’m gay and I don’t really have any friends because I’m ugly and awkward. I used to go the gay dance club in Dallas whenever I could get off work and find a ride. I went last weekend with a friend and started talking to an older guy named John* (*name also changed). John was 37 and really nice. He bought me a bunch of drinks, told me how handsome I was, and said he wanted to take me home and that he’d give me a ride home the next day.

I got really drunk and when we got to his place which was far away from the bar I told him I wanted to have sex but that I didn’t feel too good. We kissed a little bit as he began to undress me and kept saying “That’s OK, you’re alright. Don’t worry.” To be honest, I don’t have a real good memory of what happened after that. All I know is I remember getting up at one point and he was fucking me even though I was barely awake and he didn’t have a condom on either. It really hurt because he was going hard and I asked him what he was doing. He said I told him he could. I felt so bad that I got up, went to the bathroom, locked the door and made myself puke and drink water to try and wake up, but I was too tired so I fell asleep right there on the floor as he knocked on the door and told me to come out. I told him to go away and that I just wanted to go to sleep. I told him if he didn’t leave me alone, I’d call the cops.

I woke up sometime early the next morning before he got up. My ass really hurt and bled a bunch (I had only had sex one other time and it hurt then too, but this hurt more because I guess he had a big one and I wasn’t ready). I was drunk too and even though I said I wanted to have sex, I also remember saying I was too drunk and I never would have said yes to sex without a condom.

I don’t know what to do. I told my friend and he said I should get tested and I did. I’m negative right now but I could still get it in a few months. I live in a small town and don’t want to talk to anyone here because I’m afraid it will get out that I have AIDS and am a gay whore and I deserved it and everything. I also don’t have the John’s number. I walked to the nearest gas station that morning and had a friend pick me up, but I don’t know where John lives or how to get a hold of him. If I did, I don’t even know what would I say.

I hate feeling like I deserved this. I know I drinking and going home with a stranger is dumb but I got so much more tired and drunker than I ever have that I wonder if he spiked my drink. I also know I didn’t consent to sex, but if you go home with a guy that’s like asking for it right? I am also scared that I have AIDS and don’t know it. Now I don’t want to return to the bar and all my friend can say is “At least you’re alive.”

What do I do? Please help me.

Wow. A heavy one this time around and we don’t know where to begin. Namely, Bryce needs some serious help and someone to talk to. He’s also got some serious self-esteem issues and probably needs to leave his small town and find a gay mental health counselor to talk with. But should he also try and contact John or get legal help? Bryce is depending on us QueerClickers to give him the next step. Please share your advice and experiences in the comments section.
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