Ask QC: How can I come out to my parents?

Hi guys,

I’m a big fan of QC (and porn lol) and have a problem I hope you guys can help me with.

I’m 18, just finished school but now have to enter into the army (I’m from a country that still requires National Service). I don’t really have a problem with going into the army (lots of hot men hehe), but my problems are really more at home, with myself and my family – more specifically my parents.

I’m from a strict Catholic family, this in itself has caused me a lot of conflict throughout my teenage years. Although I’m not out to anyone other than my best girl, we have had discussions in my church group where I’ve tried to defend gay rights. It was upsetting and even depressing their arguments that being homosexual is wrong and against God – none of it makes any sense to me.

My parents are also actively involved in the church, and so I have hesitated to tell them about my sexuality. My reasoning has been that I don’t want to have that confrontation while I’m still living at home that I know will be inevitable with them. They’ve made enough homophobic and anti-gay comments over the years to make it plainly obvious what there views are on this.

I should mention that I also have three younger sisters (12, 9 and 6) and a younger brother (17) too. I share my room with him, and although we are close and talk about a lot of things, being gay, let alone coming out, isn’t something I’ve been able to discuss with him yet. Recently I also made a discovery that I think he might also be gay too, when I saw his browsing history on our shared computer. He hadn’t cleared his browser and was surfing gay porn too, I guess he might just be curious but I don’t know. Do you think I should come out to him first or my parents?

So I’m in a conflict, because after Christmas I will be joining the army, part of me is excited about this as it will take me away from all of our family problems (my Dad is always arguing with my Mom, its usually always about money problems, but its always horrible when that happens). But after reading this post on QC I could relate to that so much. I really laughed at Amy’s advice, because I’m pretty sure that’s the kind of reaction my parents will have when I tell them.

And the pressures at home have been so immense with the money problems, if I didn’t have to join the army then I would get a job to help them. I believe I’m a good son, but I know when they find out I’m gay its going to be the cause of much heart ache and shock – for them at the very least but I think it will affect the family too.

So I’m conflicted because I really want to tell them as its a weight on my shoulders too, and its not like I am going to change, I’ve known I’m gay since a early age. My problem is not should I come out to my parents but how is the best way to do it? This has gone over and over in my mind for years now and its really getting to me, so now at 18 and going into the army for the next 2 years I feel the need to do it now before I have to leave home in a few weeks time.

I would really be so grateful for any advice on how to approach this.

Many thanks QC and Happy Christmas to everyone there too 🙂

Andrew

Hi Andrew and thanks for your questions and concerns. Firstly, thanks for the kind comments and being such a big fan! And also thanks for taking the step to write in, we can assure you that you are not alone and there are many readers here who have been in a very similar situation to which you find yourself in at present. Coming out either now, in the future (or in some case never) is a dilemma that pretty much all gay men and women struggle with. It would be true to say that no two peoples circumstances are going to be exactly the same and with prejudices around us in all different types of countries and societies making that decision to come out always has to be carefully considered. But it’s good that you’ve got the courage to make that first step to reach out and find a solution. There have been a few similar posts on Ask QC; Should Gay Brothers Come Out at The Same Time, Low Libido, Depressed and in The Closet and When is the right age/time to Come Out. Although those examples aren’t specific to your situation you may find the information and advice offered useful. So, dear QC readers, what tips and advice can you give Andrew? If you can help him in any way, then please share your wisdom and advice with all in the QComments section!
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