Olympic Swimmer Ricky Berens Splits Under Pressure

You may have heard the term “timed splits” in lap swimming. It refers to the amount of time it takes to swim portions of a race. Well, Olympic relay swimmer, Ricky Berens offered us another sort of timed split this last weekend when his ultra-tight body suit split moments before his race. Here’s the story with our comments in italics.

As Ricky Berens, scheduled to swim third for the U.S. morning swim squad, bent over on the pool deck for a drink of water moments before the race, his suit—a Jaked01 (Jaked?!! Like naked with a J? Hilarious!)—split significantly in the back, exposing his rear end.

There was no time to change the suit, so U.S. anchor leg Cullen Jones urged Berens to forget the gaping hole (his butthole?) and swim.

Berens dived in and contested his third leg (Tee-hee, third leg. We’d contest his third leg too. As in, why is his third leg not in our mouth?) as scheduled, helping the U.S. team to a fourth-place finish in its heat in 3 minutes, 11.64 seconds—and securing a critical slot in the night’s final for Phelps and his teammates (we’d love to score a “critical slot” in the night’s final with Phelps). Phelps did not swim in the qualifying heat, but will lead off the relay in tonight’s final.

“He still swam his heart out,” Jones said. “To see that kind of professionalism in college; I know I didn’t have it.” (As a college swimmer, one of our staff can attest to having the balls and the ass to swim naked, no matter the costs, professionalism be damned)

Berens, the 2009 Big 12 Swimmer of the Year from Texas, was not available to comment on the suit problem. Jones, though, said tears were becoming increasingly common as swimmers sought the tightest-fitting suits possible for the greatest performance-enhancement.

“They’re all splitting,” Jones said. “We’re all having problems. We want to get it as tight as possible as sprinters.” (Lucky us)

We used to love watching swimming because it involved wiry studs swimming in skimpy speedos that show off their equipment. The sport’s gotten so rated PG since they started swimming in steampunk body suits. Thery’re like updated versions of the old-timey “water bathing costumes” of 1911, back when enjoying sex was still unhealthy. Luckily, the organization that regulates all high-level swimming competitions, FINA (Federacion Interationale de Natacion), has voted to ban the body-hiding super suits and force swimmers to go back to the horny Speedo roots!

In an effort to clean up its sport, the international governing body of swimming will require its athletes to show more skin. By an overwhelming vote Friday at its general congress, FINA (Federacion Interationale de Natacion) officials decided to ban the high-tech swimsuits that have been likened to doping on a hanger.

We’re all about forcing swimmers to do things we enjoy.
Via Sticky.
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