QCrimes: Teen Underwear Thief Caught With His Pants Down

Before we begin this lurid tale of underthing thievery, let us admit this: one member of Team Orange worked as a resident assistant (RA) at his college dormitory. And during winter break he used to master key to break into rooms of boys he liked and to sniff and steal their underwear. His excuse? He’s an underwear fetishist, a freak, and has questionable morals. That being said, he has great empathy with the man in the following story:
A 19-year-old Missouri FedEx worker recently got arrested for second-degree burglary for breaking into a local high school and stealing underwear from the boys’ locker room so he could sniff and jerk off onto them. And he would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for those meddling video cameras. Apparently he entered the school through an unlocked window in the early morning hours on at least 11 different occasions this year. He even once tied a used condom to a boy’s sneaker as a parting gift… or something. He then stashed the cum-encrusted undies in an unused locker. Now the poor turd has a $5,000 bond and faces 7 years in jail.
Poor horny bisexual. He’s just doing in a very creepy way what our co-worker did in a slightly less creepy way. We hope he doesn’t have to do hard time just because of his hard time. But as he awaits his fate, let us all learn a few lessons from this young man. First, if you’re gonna steal underwear, do it after school and in someplace socially acceptable like a frat house or a Wal-Mart. Second, always jerk off at home in a private, non-videotaped place (unless you’re being paid for it on a cam site). And third, never tie used condoms to people’s shoes. It makes them suspicious and makes you look like a grade-A weirdo.