QColumn: A Gay In The Life: Going Public
Going Public
By Steve Prince
"You had sex three times in one day, with three different people?" I choked on my Dr. Pepper.
"Well, what are you supposed to do?" Omar replied, "It's Palm Springs."
Omar and I had been good friends for a little over a year now but I have never even heard him mention Palm Springs.
"So this one cute Latin guy", Omar licked his lips and leaned forward; he loves the Latin men. "He met me on the way to the hot tub. And I told him that I needed to go to my room and change first."
"Uh-huh" I said. "Wow. That's not even subtle."
"I know," Omar giggled. "So, yeah, we basically just went to my room to fuck. Well apparently while I was gone his boyfriend came up to my friend who was still at the hot tub. His boyfriend was furious apparently. And I'm like, 'Come on! It's Palm Springs!'"
"You're starting to sound like a walking slogan...'It's Palm Springs!'" I mocked.
Omar cut me a look. "Well, it is. And I WOULD wear a t-shirt with that slogan. Proudly. But it would be in Spanish to attract the hot Mexican men!"
He's so wrong. "Well, did he catch y'all?" I love gossip. It's the Southern girl in me.
"No", Omar smiled. As Omar talked it was funny how he spoke so eloquently and formally when talking about hooking up. "But this guy was so cute I would not have cared. The sex was so hot. In fact, I accidentally left my back door open the next day, and I woke up to him sucking my cock. Good thing the other guy from that morning had just left!"
Wow. That's dirty. And kinda hot.
As Omar continued his stories of debauchery, I have to admit I was totally turned on and a little jealous. Omar had sex with eight different people that weekend. I don't know if I could do that. I don't see anything wrong with it, but a part of me fears, "What would people think of me?"
Even though I have lived my life as an out gay man for ten years, I still have to deal with my own homophobia everyday. A homophobia that almost becomes a sex phobia. I know it's totally silly. I mean it's not like I'm consumed by feelings of shame, but it's just a thought. That's what pisses me off! I'm having this thought that I know is COMPLETELY ridiculous. Where the fuck does this come from? What would my gay forefathers think of me for not living my own sexual freedom?
I thought this was ironic since June is gay pride month. Thirty-nine years ago modern gay rights began. The gay movement ignited outside the Stonewall Inn, a bar in Greenwich Village. At 1:20 in the morning gay men and a lot of drag queens stood up to the harassment that homosexuals were encountering every time they went to a gay or lesbian establishment. They were tired of New York policemen arresting them for fictitious claims. Stonewall was THE turning point. It was an event where homosexuals voiced that we deserved to be treated as equal, but at the same time we should be allowed to do whatever the hell we wanted to. Ironically, it was the same day Judy Garland was buried.
June 28, 1969.
A day that gay men moved forward but a day we lost something as well.
On May 15, 2008, the California Supreme Court ruled that banning same sex marriage is illegal. The court deemed that sexual orientation falls under "strict scrutiny", which is the same standard that race falls under; it basically means that sexual orientation -- like race -- is not an choice. It's something much deeper, a core facet that cannot be changed and should never be discriminated against.
As I dropped Omar off at his apartment that night, all these things raced through my head: Sexual freedom, gay marriage, gay pride and the gay movement. Yeah, gay marriage is a step forward, but for whom?
Once Stonewall kicked off the gay movement, the swinging 1970's began. Gay bathhouses became a fixture to gay communities in San Francisco, New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, and Houston. I've heard stories from some of my gay friends who now are in their 50's. Many gay men during that time have called the 1970's "The Golden Age" of gay sex. I guess I have to take their word for it, because I wasn't born until 1979. The time they speak of wasn't about having tons of sex and overdosing on drugs. This era evoked a different energy. Finally gay men were able to not only flaunt their sex lives, but they could flaunt their bodies, their cocks, their ass, their love, their passions, and -- really -- themselves.
Sadly, as I grew up and heard about what it is to be gay, things were much more depressing. AIDS, at first called the gay cancer, was scaring the community shitless. Bathhouses that were once over crowded were now sparse and shut down. With the ushering in of the Regan administration, homosexuals' carefree times of the '70's were overshadowed with a thud of oppression of the conservative 1980's. It was during this time that gay men truly began demanding their political freedoms as well as their sexual freedoms. Homosexuals were ignored. This wasn't an attack on our sex lives, rather an attack on our humanity. It created shame.
Is gay marriage part of that oppression? I read an article stating that on the day same-sex marriage was legalized in California the divorce docket for heterosexual marriages was full. No one can argue that marriage is in trouble. So why would gays want to be a part of a faltering institution?
I listen to stories like Omar's and I wonder would he still be able to have as much sex if he were married. I think one of the amazing things about being gay is that we can define a different type of love life. Gay, lesbian, trans, bi-sexual, poly-sexual there are so many exciting opportunities for sexual expression. Marriage, which is a legal contract, can put a reign on that freedom. Before same sex marriage, the government was not involved in my sex life. California has just slipped itself under my covers along with my future husband.
Before marriage was granted to gays in states like California and Massachusetts, gay people stayed together because they wanted to, now some of them might have to stay together for other reasons. Assets, property, taxes -- these things bind people together in a totally different concept that before was merely mutually agreed upon. In fact, I know a friend who got married in San Francisco in February 2004 when Mayor Gavin Newsom began performing same sex ceremonies. One year later, he and his partner separated, but by then same sex marriage was banned again. However, now -- three years later -- he's still considered married because he never could get divorced.
I really do believe sexuality contains a fluidity that society often puts a cap on. We always want to put people into boxes. Straight, gay, bi, leather daddy, piss whore, power bottom, and power top -- what if we didn't do that to one another? I try not to that way but it is hard not to. Sometimes I feel like Sally Field in Sybil -- without the crazy. I do! I have several personalities in me. Some days I just want vanilla sex, other days I totally want to be in a swing, and some days I don't want sex at all. Okay, that last part is not true; I usually want sex all the time. Even in the last Desperate Housewives episode, the gay couple was having a commitment ceremony. And of course one guy acted like the "husband" and the other guy was acting like the "wife". I mean Mark Cherry is a gay man and he's writing this stereotypical stuff. I don't want to be put in to a box someone can check, because dammit I'm special. Yeah, I said it.
Don't get me wrong. I'm glad gays have the right to marry in California. Truthfully a part of me does want to get married someday. I've been planning my wedding since I was ten years old. Oh it will be an event! And it's going to be REEEALL gay. I can't wait. Seriously, I know the day I get married Rock Hudson and Liberace are going to look down from their beautiful sequined homo-heaven, turn to one another, look down on my wedding again, and then say, "That is GAY!" Rip Taylor will be the preacher, Danny Noriega will sing me down the isle, and David Hernandez will jump out of the cake and serve drinks.
Confused yet? Yeah I am too. I don't know what I think for sure, but maybe it's just more important to be aware of what's going on. My hope is as gay men marry we will re-define what marriage is and make it our own. We shouldn't purposely try and separate ourselves from straights but we shouldn't try and conform either. Who needs to regurgitate heterosexual marriage? As homosexuals we hold the ability to make marriage really interesting and amazingly unique.
Most importantly we should remember that now WE are making history. Like those brave homosexuals who began the gay movement at Stonewall, gay marriage and how we have gay sex will set precedents for the next line of gay kids coming up the lavender ranks. During pride I hope we all can remember the hurdles we've had to jump over and be grateful. Grateful that we've come this far and also grateful to our gay leaders who jumped many a hurdle before we even got on the track. We have gained something with gay marriage. We've gotten a step closer to equality and are showing the straight world that our love, and hot gay sex, are just as important as theirs.
Have we lost something this time? Only history will tell.
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Years after moving from Oklahoma, Steve Prince is still acclimating to the gay scene in Los Angeles-he's a slow learner. By trial and error and a lot of sex, his mission is to make the uncomfortable, comfortable. Also it should be known that he is gayer than butt sex.
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Previously, on A Gay In The Life:
The Birds & The Birds
Lyin', & Twinks, & Bears--Oh My!
19
Reader Comments
Your 2¢, in chronological order — add your comment below.
I don't think that being gay should necessarily equate with being a slut. I really doubt that gay rights pioneers from decade ago or today were fighting discrimination against people who want to have as much anonymous sex in Palm Springs as possible. And that's certainly not a basis for pride.
"Before same sex marriage, the government was not involved in my sex life." Well, you must not have lived in the United States. Or, you forget that most states have had anti-sodomy laws at one time or another.
Stories like Omar's are the broad brush that bigots use to paint every gay person and I prefer not to be expected to slut around everywhere and call it "expression." Maybe people like Omar are the exception rather than the rule, just as in the heterosexual community. But when will they stop getting all the attention, as it were? I'll be prouder that day.
As much as I understand what you're talking about when you say "Who needs to regurgitate heterosexual marriage?," I think you've missed a more important point. We don't need to do that, and we should keep on keepin' on with the hot buttsex or whatever it is that we want. But for those who do want to be in a committed relationship, there are legal issues at stake. The right to make end-of-life decisions, the right to be even be there in the hospital when someone is sick, the right to include someone in your health care coverage, the right to include someone in your insurance, even the right to half your assets if it ends.
I don't think marriage has to be about 'regurgitating heterosexuality,' but it can be if you want it to be. It can be anything you want it to be. And if you don't care about the legal side, fine. But these legal issues are hugely important, and we need marriage equality to resolve them.
OMFG! I totally understand what you are sayingbecause I too am special-LOL. I agree with you on so many points here. I especially like how you connected internalized homophobia with sex phobia. I was talking to some friends about gay marriage here in CA and I told them it was really hard for me being forced to support something with which I fundamentally do not agree. I felt the same way about gays in the military. However, I will defend other gay people's right to have these two things. I wish others in the gay "community" felt the same about Omar's (and my) right to have the sexual freedom to lots of sex.
In Gene's comments he brings up all the reasons given for gay marriage that I hear all the time. I always wonder why no one ever questions why we don't fight for equality that would give everyone these rights whether they were married or not. That's what the civil rights movement was about and it was inclusive of all people in the community not just some who wanted certain things. Would Dr. King be happy about how some black folks use the rights he fought and died for? I can't answer that but my point is that it takes all types to make a world or a community and we may not embrace them all but we have to find a way to accept and not judge each other. If we as gay people could manage that then we could be more of a community.
Thanks Steve for writing such an insightful piece.
Being gay is not synonymous with being promiscuous but why do those people get all the attention, and seriously why do they do it?
If you dig deeper and talk to people, youll find that often it does come from low self esteem and having to constantly prove your self worth...and that youve still 'got it' or someone will still want you.
Sure st8s are promiscuous too but I think stereotypes are there for a reason....and if I take my str8 friends and my gay friends, no dbout taht the gay ones are much more promiscuous...Its common to hear the avg gay guy talk about bathhouses and stuff which you dont get from the avg str8 person - at least in my personal experience. Ive always made to feel that Im wierd cuz I havent been to a sex club or bathhouse. Could write pages on this but its not the time or the place...but its something to think about.
oh boy steven briandi, are you a flaming right wing? like bush has respected us that much? fuck him...i think that image disrespect us the gays....making him like us...urgh...
and yes Gene, our gay pride has also alot to do with our sex pride...our sexual freedom...I hate gays that are so sexual phobic...you know what heterosexuals will always find a reason to hate us...no matter what...so whether we look, behave or act like the heteros..they will still hate us..the sad part is when other gays hate other gays...don't be such a sexual phobic...
the revolution was about our homosexuality..and about our sexuality...
some of you guys my be prude..but not all of us are...and neither side is right or wrong...but when you start speaking like the heteros...now that its wrong...
Steven Briandi - another of your witty insightful
comments??????
Great piece. love your column Steve, well written and well said! :)
Wanting to be married is in no way an act to be more like the heteros... Some people want to be married, some dont. some want to have a lot of sex, others pace themselves... everyone is different just leave it at that. To dig so deep on one subject just causes everyone to turn on each other and the last thing we need are the gays turning against each other...
While I appreciate your candor and very insightful truth, I do not agree with your friend Omar or his acts. As a gay man, I understand the want and desire to fuck with lots of guys. But, 8 different people in one weekend? That is just disgusting imo. Not that I am an "innocent". I have done my share of slutting around. Do I regret it? NO. Did it satisfy me? NO. I honestly don't care about gay marriage. Yes, I do believe that it should be legal and available, but I'm not interested at this point in my life. Marriage is a contract and nothing more. So go ahead and mess around with as many people as you desire. But don't expect that gay marriage is going to somehow validate gay people to the majority of "straight" society. Especially when the "married couple" are going to be fucking around. And yes, fucking around is VERY abundant in the straight community as well. I say Ban Marriage all together. Live well and hopefully find someone that you want to live your life with. But don't fake it.
I disagree. I think, as long as marriage exists, it should be equally accessible to homosexual partners as it is for heterosexual partners. If it is going to change as an institution or if we are to find some other way to support people in committed relationships wishing to build a family (with children or not), it should first be a fair institution.
Also, I don't believe marriages ending divorces prove marriage is a failing institution. Divorce, though certainly not romantic, is now a part of marriage. Divorce helps to release people from situations and relationships where they might otherwise *be* trapped. I am actually impressed by the (relatively) civil process it has become for many people compared to twenty years ago, when my parents went through a horrible divorce (which, despite being ugly, I am glad for.)
In short, I think marriage has different meanings for different people, but it is important in our society. Even if you don't believe this yourself or don't believe you will ever want to be married, I hope you agree that, at this point, equal access to marriage is important for those same sex partners wishing to participate.
EDITOR: Date corrected, thank you.
Not only gays are sluts, MEN are sluts. Having worked in a predominantly straight nightclub for half a decade, the only thing holding straight guys back from screwing as often and as randomly as gays is women. And that's changing drastically. Nowadays, there are plenty of women who recognize their horniness.
As for Omar: do you believe everything he's telling you? I can't recount how many friends glow about sexcapades on vacation, only to cry in a drunken stupor weeks later about how long it's been since they've been laid. I inquire, they forget their timetable and defy the lies.
As for gay marriage, my entire issue with "the issue" is being treated differently. It is grounds for continued aggression from the haters, when something tragic happens in the life of gay couples they may have no rights. My friends Doug and Mike married, without any legal recognition. Mike made all the money, but put everything in both of their names because Doug did tons of work. When Doug died, his family laid claim to half of everything because of a poorly drafted will. Mike lost a lot of stuff he paid for simply because the courts granted the challenge of Doug's family.
I wish we would do it like Europe: marriage is for the church. Civil union is granted by the state, which is why so many countries grant rights to gay couples. Even if a straight couple gets married, their civil union has to be legally granted or dissolved by the state.
Wow…
I just recently turned eighteen years old and I'm not at all familiar with the "gay world." In fact, I'm not even out yet. Yet after reading the article and some of the comments here… I’m starting to wonder whether it is true that most gay people really are promiscuous cock-whores as some people, who I thought were just being ignorant homophobic idiots, say.
Why would anyone, regardless if straight or gay, do that to themselves? Have they no respect for their bodies? It’s sad that others will judge me based on people that behave this way. It’s sad that in the eyes of many I’ll just be another disgusting gay that has no self-control and dignity. How can I stand proud with people like these when, as it turns out, we don’t even share the same beliefs after all? We’re not even close to being the same people but yet we’re Gay and are seen the same. Sadly, I see and understand the shame some people have. I can’t help but feel it right now myself - cannot help but feel disappointed and saddened by the truth. I guess those homophobic idiots weren't as ignorant and wrong as I thought they were. I mean, bathhouse sex... come on now, seriously?
When I grow up I want to get married with the love of my life. I want us to grow old together and have a family and see our kids grow up. Call it "straight" thinking, call it naive... I don't care. I just cannot see why someone would have a problem with being with only one person for the rest of your life. Are gay relationships that bad? Am I entering a place where I'll only feel regret to acknowledge myself as Gay?
The reason he really "held back" and refrained from the same sexual activity was because of the personal homophobia and shame he harboned. The point is that we truly live up being proud of who we are instead of casting deep-seeded stereotypes onto our lived.
its all down to the individuals choice, having sex with 8 men at the weekend is only likely when you're young and fit. in the "straight" world you would be seen as a stud, not a slut. its only perception, who cares whether people think its right or wrong, or morally acceptable. humans need sex as a basic function - love, marriage, contracts, whatever have nothing to do with that basic human need to have sex. i dont think omar is a slut, sure i think its great that gay rights have been championed and are improving, just because we have a lot of sex is no reason for the "straights" not to give us equality. lets face it, they will try to use any excuse, religious or whatever to try to suppress us. i dont think be being less sexually active will make a difference to heterosexual bigotted views. having sex when we want, where we want and as many times as we want is part of our liberation.
To the 3rd commenter: You are so full of shit. Next time, try bringing up some valid counter-points (if any exist) to give weight to your argument. Otherwise, you'll sound as ridiculous as Bill O'Reilly.
To New Guy: You shouldn't feel ashamed/disappointed/confused or any other feeling until you have experienced Gay life first-hand for yourself. Yes, it's true that there are lots of those "sluts" like the author's friend Omar, and there are those people like author himself who feels a bit of deep down internalized homophobia/sexphobia. And, like the comments before you, there are those that truly WANT marriage to be equal to the straights.
One of the crowning traits in the Gay Community is that we are all diverse. We're comprised of different subgroups made up of different races, ideals, morals, spiritual beliefs and even in the case of uber-Republican Mr. Briandi (the 3rd commenter), different political affiliations. None are better than others. We are all different, yet we're all the same Community.
And while the idea of promiscuous and an excess of sex may not appeal to, it definitely sounds like you know what you want. That's really great. At 18, not a lot of people know what they want, let alone KNOW that they want to get married. Go for it, seriously. You're not alone in your thinking. There is definitely a man out there who shares those same beliefs that you have. Once you enter the world of Gay Life, you'll find your way around, I promise.
Good luck!
Its an interesting topic, and all the differing opinions here show that not all gay men are the same, nor have the same view on this!
Sure there gay men who sleep around and with as many partners as possible, but there are also gay men for whom sex doesn't interest them (or at least they have very little sex drive). I'm guessing that guys with a low sex drive wont be looking at a porn blog or reading this column though LOL! (but I could be wrong!)
My point is that just because Omar has slept around it doesn't mean that we are all like that. Sure perhaps we fantasize about it, and perhaps there are some that do this too. But, just as gay men have a diverse sexual appetite, we also differ physically, politically and with every range of the spectrum of feminine/masculine characteristics. I remember when I was coming out and my sister said to me, well Jed, gay men come in all races, all shapes and sizes, all occupations and all religions.
And I guess that goes for the amount of sex a man has too!
Thanks, Squiffy. Yet from my few personal experiences with the gay world it really does seem most gay guys are just after sex, at least the guys my age are for sure. In High School the only thing the gay guys (I knew thanks to my gaydar) in my school would do was glance over at my ass whenever I walked next to them or gave me that glance straight guys give to girls they just wanna fuck. None of them ever bothered to strike a conversation with me; none ever bothered to ask me what my interests in life are or what I wanted to do after finishing school. None of them ever bothered to do more than just think of humping my ass it seemed. I have the same problem with the older men that don’t get ass too often (the ones without girlfriends) as their eyes linger a bit too much whenever I’m around them. Like, a few days ago I was with my Dad looking for a car and the guy selling them kept checking me out whenever I was in front of him and I knew because I could see him through the cars window’s reflection and it made me so uncomfortable because I was 1.) with my Dad, 2.) not interested and 3.) much younger than he was, by at least 10 years. You should have seen the face he made when my Dad explained to him that I was eighteen now and that he wanted to buy me a car. That only made me feel worse because I could no longer pull the “I’m underage” card out of my sleeve.
I’m not just a piece of ass – I have feelings and dreams and goals like everyone else. I love volunteering at the hospital and so I’m going into premed at college to pursue a medical degree in medical school one day, and I’m hoping to get my residency as a Psychiatrist after finishing it. I’m trilingual (I know English, Spanish and Italian) and I’m hoping to be become a hyper polyglot by the end of college by learning Portuguese, French and German. I love singing and music – I was in choir for seven years since I started back in middle school and recently I have been involved with the my local Church’s choir. I just… I just don’t see why people are so caught up in sex and would rather have a piece of my ass than a piece of my mind perhaps. But thanks for wishing me good luck, it is true that everyone is just different and we are all looking for different things in life. Sometimes I just have a hard time understanding that not everyone wishes for the same things. I guess I'm just too young right now to fully understand but I'll hopefully catch up to you all one day when I'm older as well.
Hey, A New Guy - sounds to me like your problem is mislabelled. You seem more upset with the fact that guys in general tend to be really horny, and that many of them are freakin' creepy.
The problems you describe are ones that billions of women - literally - share with you. It's not just a gay thing. Seriously. You ever go out with girlfriends and watch them get checked out just as you yourself have experienced? Straight guys leer unabashedly at chicks all the time. And also: a gay guy fucking 8 guys in one weekend is not exclusive to the queer community either. Young straight people are like that as well; a lot of them are total hos as well. Omar even took those 8 guys one at a time - are you even aware of the orgy-slutting-around straight people do? I am certain you know girls who've slutted it up more than that in one weekend.
My point is: you seem more upset about being objectified, about being awakened to the lust-and-sex part of life, than you are about the homo thing. And here's what else I'd say to you...
1) Sex and being objectified is not necessarily all that bad. In fact, it can be really fun sometimes if you decide you want to just fuck around or be objectified. If you don't want that, you can still have your romantic marriage relationship. Some would say you could have both if you wanted.
2) Being gay does NOT mean you become a gay stereotype, or sleep around. Since I came out at age 18 five years ago, I have definitely learned that. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, and not every guy is interested only in your ass. I have been in a loving, committed, monogamous relationship for 4 years now, and I have never "slutted it up". However, that also doesn't mean I am judgemental towards those who do. If you decide you want to be promiscuous, that's fine (though IMO you should be playing safe).
Personally, as a gay guy who grew up in Vancouver, Canada and who came out right when same sex marriage was becoming legal here, I have always thought of my future as including marriage and a family, and it appears that (at least for the lucky American homos living in California) things are heading that way down south as well. You may very well have the family life you currently envision your future entailing. If you come out I also encourage you to speak out to ensure that others may also enjoy the recognized family life you hope for one day.
My advice to you is to keep an open mind. I urge you to come out when you think it is possible, and I encourage you to meet people, especially gay people. Sex is fantastic, and when you find somebody who is as interested in your mind as he is in your ass and cock, it's an awesome feeling. Good luck.
It's refreshing to read these postings about being gay. As an older gay man (54) who went through all of this, I am captivated by the breadth of discussion about the gay sexual experience. As a young gay man I never had the chance to process any of my feelings or thoughts on being gay. These repressed feelings and thoughts eventually became self-destructive. It was only after I went through that self-destructive period and realized that I am worthy of life and should live unashamed that I allowed myself to even THINK about what is was to be gay. I came out and started to enjoy life to the fullest when I could no longer stand the idea of living a lie, and I think that most gay men who are out will agree with me. It was a watershed moment, my personal Stonewall, the bravest thing a man can do. It involves sacrifice, intense faith and the courage to stand your ground and speak up. HOW you have sex, or how many people you have sex with, what turns you on or off, or whether you do it with a pizza or a bagel is icing on the cake, worth talking about, exploring, defending and discussing. In the end, it's all part of our life-long experience of coming out of the heterosexual box that we weren't supposed to be inside in the first place. And when you really get down to it, its just flesh! It's just guys (or girls) talking about what they like to do with their junk, so enjoy, and listen! Now I'm in a gay relationship that has lasted 11 years, and sex is and will always be an important part of it. But it's only ONE part of it. BUT it's what makes me gay, the sex part. Otherwise I'm just like any other guy. But every person is different. In my opinion, being gay is the gift from the Universe--or God, or what have you--that forces you to own up to yourself, to be honest with yourself, to stop lying to yourself and to the world. Don't be afraid to explore every single atom of it, and take off your heels and slap a few heads to get some people to understand how truly harmless it is, just like those drag queens at Stonewall who said enough is enough. This is your right, and your mission! GAY ON!