QColumn: A Gay In The Life: Going Public

Going Public
By Steve Prince
“You had sex three times in one day, with three different people?” I choked on my Dr. Pepper.
“Well, what are you supposed to do?” Omar replied, “It’s Palm Springs.”
Omar and I had been good friends for a little over a year now but I have never even heard him mention Palm Springs.
“So this one cute Latin guy”, Omar licked his lips and leaned forward; he loves the Latin men. “He met me on the way to the hot tub. And I told him that I needed to go to my room and change first.”
“Uh-huh” I said. “Wow. That’s not even subtle.”
“I know,” Omar giggled. “So, yeah, we basically just went to my room to fuck. Well apparently while I was gone his boyfriend came up to my friend who was still at the hot tub. His boyfriend was furious apparently. And I’m like, ‘Come on! It’s Palm Springs!'”

“You’re starting to sound like a walking slogan…’It’s Palm Springs!'” I mocked.
Omar cut me a look. “Well, it is. And I WOULD wear a t-shirt with that slogan. Proudly. But it would be in Spanish to attract the hot Mexican men!”
He’s so wrong. “Well, did he catch y’all?” I love gossip. It’s the Southern girl in me.
“No”, Omar smiled. As Omar talked it was funny how he spoke so eloquently and formally when talking about hooking up. “But this guy was so cute I would not have cared. The sex was so hot. In fact, I accidentally left my back door open the next day, and I woke up to him sucking my cock. Good thing the other guy from that morning had just left!”
Wow. That’s dirty. And kinda hot.
As Omar continued his stories of debauchery, I have to admit I was totally turned on and a little jealous. Omar had sex with eight different people that weekend. I don’t know if I could do that. I don’t see anything wrong with it, but a part of me fears, “What would people think of me?”
Even though I have lived my life as an out gay man for ten years, I still have to deal with my own homophobia everyday. A homophobia that almost becomes a sex phobia. I know it’s totally silly. I mean it’s not like I’m consumed by feelings of shame, but it’s just a thought. That’s what pisses me off! I’m having this thought that I know is COMPLETELY ridiculous. Where the fuck does this come from? What would my gay forefathers think of me for not living my own sexual freedom?
I thought this was ironic since June is gay pride month. Thirty-nine years ago modern gay rights began. The gay movement ignited outside the Stonewall Inn, a bar in Greenwich Village. At 1:20 in the morning gay men and a lot of drag queens stood up to the harassment that homosexuals were encountering every time they went to a gay or lesbian establishment. They were tired of New York policemen arresting them for fictitious claims. Stonewall was THE turning point. It was an event where homosexuals voiced that we deserved to be treated as equal, but at the same time we should be allowed to do whatever the hell we wanted to. Ironically, it was the same day Judy Garland was buried.
June 28, 1969.
A day that gay men moved forward but a day we lost something as well.
On May 15, 2008, the California Supreme Court ruled that banning same sex marriage is illegal. The court deemed that sexual orientation falls under “strict scrutiny”, which is the same standard that race falls under; it basically means that sexual orientation — like race — is not an choice. It’s something much deeper, a core facet that cannot be changed and should never be discriminated against.
As I dropped Omar off at his apartment that night, all these things raced through my head: Sexual freedom, gay marriage, gay pride and the gay movement. Yeah, gay marriage is a step forward, but for whom?
Once Stonewall kicked off the gay movement, the swinging 1970’s began. Gay bathhouses became a fixture to gay communities in San Francisco, New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, and Houston. I’ve heard stories from some of my gay friends who now are in their 50’s. Many gay men during that time have called the 1970’s “The Golden Age” of gay sex. I guess I have to take their word for it, because I wasn’t born until 1979. The time they speak of wasn’t about having tons of sex and overdosing on drugs. This era evoked a different energy. Finally gay men were able to not only flaunt their sex lives, but they could flaunt their bodies, their cocks, their ass, their love, their passions, and — really — themselves.
Sadly, as I grew up and heard about what it is to be gay, things were much more depressing. AIDS, at first called the gay cancer, was scaring the community shitless. Bathhouses that were once over crowded were now sparse and shut down. With the ushering in of the Regan administration, homosexuals’ carefree times of the ’70’s were overshadowed with a thud of oppression of the conservative 1980’s. It was during this time that gay men truly began demanding their political freedoms as well as their sexual freedoms. Homosexuals were ignored. This wasn’t an attack on our sex lives, rather an attack on our humanity. It created shame.
Is gay marriage part of that oppression? I read an article stating that on the day same-sex marriage was legalized in California the divorce docket for heterosexual marriages was full. No one can argue that marriage is in trouble. So why would gays want to be a part of a faltering institution?
I listen to stories like Omar’s and I wonder would he still be able to have as much sex if he were married. I think one of the amazing things about being gay is that we can define a different type of love life. Gay, lesbian, trans, bi-sexual, poly-sexual there are so many exciting opportunities for sexual expression. Marriage, which is a legal contract, can put a reign on that freedom. Before same sex marriage, the government was not involved in my sex life. California has just slipped itself under my covers along with my future husband.
Before marriage was granted to gays in states like California and Massachusetts, gay people stayed together because they wanted to, now some of them might have to stay together for other reasons. Assets, property, taxes — these things bind people together in a totally different concept that before was merely mutually agreed upon. In fact, I know a friend who got married in San Francisco in February 2004 when Mayor Gavin Newsom began performing same sex ceremonies. One year later, he and his partner separated, but by then same sex marriage was banned again. However, now — three years later — he’s still considered married because he never could get divorced.
I really do believe sexuality contains a fluidity that society often puts a cap on. We always want to put people into boxes. Straight, gay, bi, leather daddy, piss whore, power bottom, and power top — what if we didn’t do that to one another? I try not to that way but it is hard not to. Sometimes I feel like Sally Field in Sybil — without the crazy. I do! I have several personalities in me. Some days I just want vanilla sex, other days I totally want to be in a swing, and some days I don’t want sex at all. Okay, that last part is not true; I usually want sex all the time. Even in the last Desperate Housewives episode, the gay couple was having a commitment ceremony. And of course one guy acted like the “husband” and the other guy was acting like the “wife”. I mean Mark Cherry is a gay man and he’s writing this stereotypical stuff. I don’t want to be put in to a box someone can check, because dammit I’m special. Yeah, I said it.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad gays have the right to marry in California. Truthfully a part of me does want to get married someday. I’ve been planning my wedding since I was ten years old. Oh it will be an event! And it’s going to be REEEALL gay. I can’t wait. Seriously, I know the day I get married Rock Hudson and Liberace are going to look down from their beautiful sequined homo-heaven, turn to one another, look down on my wedding again, and then say, “That is GAY!” Rip Taylor will be the preacher, Danny Noriega will sing me down the isle, and David Hernandez will jump out of the cake and serve drinks.
Confused yet? Yeah I am too. I don’t know what I think for sure, but maybe it’s just more important to be aware of what’s going on. My hope is as gay men marry we will re-define what marriage is and make it our own. We shouldn’t purposely try and separate ourselves from straights but we shouldn’t try and conform either. Who needs to regurgitate heterosexual marriage? As homosexuals we hold the ability to make marriage really interesting and amazingly unique.
Most importantly we should remember that now WE are making history. Like those brave homosexuals who began the gay movement at Stonewall, gay marriage and how we have gay sex will set precedents for the next line of gay kids coming up the lavender ranks. During pride I hope we all can remember the hurdles we’ve had to jump over and be grateful. Grateful that we’ve come this far and also grateful to our gay leaders who jumped many a hurdle before we even got on the track. We have gained something with gay marriage. We’ve gotten a step closer to equality and are showing the straight world that our love, and hot gay sex, are just as important as theirs.
Have we lost something this time? Only history will tell.
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Years after moving from Oklahoma, Steve Prince is still acclimating to the gay scene in Los Angeles-he’s a slow learner. By trial and error and a lot of sex, his mission is to make the uncomfortable, comfortable. Also it should be known that he is gayer than butt sex.
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Previously, on A Gay In The Life:
The Birds & The Birds
Lyin’, & Twinks, & Bears–Oh My!