Ask QC: When Is the ‘right’ age/time to ‘come out’?

I’m an openly gay man in my 40’s (both at work and with family) and recently a work colleague informed me that his 14 year old son had just ‘come out’ and declared himself gay.

My colleague and his wife sounded quite supportive of their son, but they also seemed rather distraught at the fact their son had ‘come out’ too early (as they put it). They also said they hoped it was just a phase he was going through and that their son wouldn’t really know his true sexual identity at that age.

Whilst there is always the possibility that their son may have some confusion with his sexual identity/orientation I mentioned that they should also be prepared and respect the fact that he may well also be very sure at his age that he is completely gay too. They both seemed surprised when I mentioned that, in my case, I personally knew I was gay by 12 or 13 years old (although I would say I probably had a pretty good idea when I was 9 or 10 years old).

I mentioned that their son is lucky to have such supportive parents and how times have changed for the better in the last 30 years with more positive gay role models on tv/film, society, politics and positive changes to laws over the years, etc. Coming out for me at 13 years old wouldn’t have been a possibility so I see it as progress that its now easier and more accepted to come out to family, friends and school mates at an earlier age.

Of course, we all know that there is still homophobia, hate and prejudice out there and changing that will still take time, but I believe it takes a lot of courage to come out in your teens and still at school.

Whilst my work colleague seems fine that his son is gay, he still seems to be having difficulty getting over the age issue. So I have a few questions which I hope I can then pass on this collective advice to my work colleague: How old where you when you knew you were gay? When is the ‘right’ age/time to ‘come out’? And what other advice would the readers offer?

Thanks in advance,

Thomas

It’s great to see that young people have the confidence to ‘come out’ these days but how can we help the parents accept their son’s declaration at an early age? What advice would you give them? Did you know you were gay at an early age? And is this even such a big issue? Please feel free to share your opinions, experiences, and advice in the QComments section so Thomas can pass them onto his work colleague and family.
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