Ask QC: Do we even want the same thing?

Dear Ask QC,

I’ve met this guy like two months ago. From the moment we started chatting I felt something for him, I felt a compatibility. I’m the silly guy who wants romance and commitment; I don’t really see the point in sex without love so when he told me he was looking for the same I thought I had found a treasure.

The first time we met for a date he mentioned he was looking for a job and if he didn’t find it soon he would be moving to another city. When he said that, it kinda made me lose interest a little since I knew if he didn’t find work then he would be moving on and our relationship wouldn’t last anyway.

But the next time we saw each other, we couldn’t help ourselves anyway and we ended up kissing and having sex (although we didn’t actually fuck.. is that classed as sex anyway?). It felt really good though, but I was nervous since it was my first time but I couldn’t really enjoy the moment due to my nervousness.

We went out together a few more times which I liked but then he started avoiding me. In his case, he’s closeted and nobody knows he is gay so he said he wouldn’t answer my calls if he was with his friends. I guess I kinda understood that but I wanted to see him sometimes and he was always making up excuses and saying he was going out with his friends instead of being able to meet me.

I’ve been trying to talk to him to know if we want the same things but I still don’t get any real answers. Now, after a few messages I sent him, he answered saying that we weren’t boyfriends because he’s not into that kinda thing and didn’t like that, he said we were just friends. He said he liked me and going out together occasionally was fine and that he enjoyed the times when we were together and had sex. But now he was tired of me asking for explanations all the time. And then he said he now has a girl friend but when I asked him he wouldn’t tell me her name (we promised to tell each other if we were going with someone else).

So now I don’t know what to think!

Did he lie when he said he wasn’t looking for just sex? Don’t I mean anything to him at all? Should I give him another chance? Should we remain friends? Is fuck buddies in this situation even an option?

I’m starting to lose hope in finding a good guy, like I said I don’t want to just have sex, and these days it just seems almost impossible to find anyone and I’m getting tired of meeting up with someone new and then having to start all over again just to realize it won’t work out anyway.

I don’t really know how to move forward now with this, should I continue to make efforts to meet him or is he really just not interested in me, what should I do?

Thanks for your advice!

Todd

Hi Todd and thanks for writing in with your questions and concerns. Finding the right guy, someone who you connect with and are compatible can be a challenge but it’s not impossible! It’s right that you should discuss whether you both want the same thing, perhaps you are both at different stages of your life or career and this is why he doesn’t feel ready to commit. Some guys may not yet be ready to settle down or be looking for a steady relationship, even though in this case he initially said that’s what he was looking for. So Dear QC readers, how would you help Todd? Have you been in this type of situation before? What did you do and how did you resolve it? If you can help him in anyway then please leave your advice and experiences in the QComments section.

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