Ask QC: I have a habit of pity sex

Dear Ask QC,

I’m 18 and I tend to go for older guys in their 30’s and 40’s and date regularly. I chat with lots of guys on the apps and usually when I meet up theyre not quite how they described themselves – I’m fit and work out but not bulky or muscular, at best I can describe myself as twinky. Most guys say I’m pretty, which I used to cringe at but now I’m used to it. When I meet these guys most dont really look like their profile pics – they look a lot older and heavier than the pictures they used – but I still stay on the date anyway.

Well, most of my dates take me out for dinner, drinks or movie and then I know they expect sex, the thing is, even when I am not really attracted to them I kinda feel really sorry for them and usually (almost always) end up back at their place for sex. Most of them are lonely and say they haven’t had sex in a while and I so I end up going to bed with them.

I know this is sorta wrong doing pity sex but I really feel that they should also enjoy the evening, most times the sex is okay with them but not always, I just kinda go through the motions. I know this has become a habit now (I’ve been doing this for 10 straight months now and at least 3-4 times a week). So it’s becoming a problem now as I don’t really have any attachment to them, I’m not interested in dating guys my same age, they seem so immature and boring – I don’t have any friends my age so I feel a bit freakish too. Is there anyway I can break this cycle? I tried deleting the apps but I installed them back again after a few days and just repeat it all over again. I still live at home with my mom and dad and I’m still closeted too so I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this.

Hugs,

Moss

Hi Moss and thanks for writing in with your questions and concerns. Having pity sex (also known as a mercy fuck, mercy sex or a pity fuck) is still entirely your choice – you’re not obliged to and don’t have to have sex just because you feel sorry for your dates. As you have discovered this has already developed into a habit, but the expectations of sex may well be because of the way you are meeting guys and the type of guys you are dating (older, single and lonely guys). Breaking any habit is possible but can often take several weeks so you would need to keep your apps deleted for more than a few days. You may require some professional support and coaching so contact a local youth or gay organization in your area, advice is given freely and confidentialy. Reaching out to the community here for advice on sexual practices and habits is a good start too but only the first step. The good news is that you have identified that your habit has become a problem and you recognize you need to change. So dear QC readers, what advice would you give Moss? Have you been in this situation before? If so, how did you resolve this situation? If you have any ideas on how to help him with his issue then please share your thoughts, advice and experiences in the QComments section!

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