Ask QC: How can we trust each other?

Dear Ask QC,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for several months and the relationship has been going better than I could possibly imagine. We spend every weekend together, the sex is great, and I can honestly say I am in love with him. We have become very close and he has introduced as his partner to his family and coworkers. That with the way everything else is going really touched me and made me envision a serious future with him.

But lately I have begun to worry. He is scheduled to go to a conference in a city that is very near where his ex now lives. I asked my him he if plans on seeing his ex and he assured me he was not going to even though I told him I did not mind so long as they only met as friends. He has also become very secretive of his phone. He always carries it with him and makes sure I never see the messages he receives. These two things have been driving me crazy and the other day I had the impulse to go through his phone while he left it unattended.

I found that he is still contacting his ex and has let him know when he will be attending the conference and what hotel he will be staying at. He tells him over and over again that he stil loves and misses him. Yet what surprised me the most was finding messages from another guy who contacted him asking him for sex. My boyfriend seemed very excited to meet him and was attempting to set up a time to meet with him during the week when I was not around, although in the end they did not end up meeting up.

Seeing these messages made me see a side of him I did not know existed. I know going though his phone was a violation of his trust and I doubt he would forgive me for doing so. I am tempted to not confront him about it, but I cannot forget what I saw. Although he has not technically cheated on me, he might as well have with the messages and photos he is sending. This has really shaken me because he is always advocating for monogamy and to some extent is jealous of me and what I am doing during the week when I do not see him and he always becomes annoyed when I use my phone when I am with him. Yet I have never cheated on him and have made every effort to end some of my past relationships with other guys in order to focus on him.

At this point I do not know what to do. I know invading his privacy was a mistake. I know I should have taken a different approach because although I feel betrayed, my betrayal was just as bad. I know that there is the possibility that things are not what they seem. For example, if he were ever to hear the conversations I have with an old ex of mine he would be convinced there was something going on between us, but that could be not be further from the truth because we only say things out of humor. I wish that were the case with him but I know it is probably not. At this point I doubt I could trust him again and know I will end up going though his phone again. I do not want to make this a habit and hope to eventually hope to trust him again, but I honestly do not know where to start.

Please help,

A.

Hi A and thanks for your question and concerns. Sorry to hear you’ve found out about your boy friend in this way, hopefully there will be some way that the two of you can resolve these issues? So, dear QC readers, what tips and advice can you give A? Have any of you been in this situation before? Did you go through your boy friends phone and do you consider this a violation of trust? If you can help A in any way, then please share your wisdom and advice with all in the QComments section!
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