QC FYI: We’ve Got 99 Bitches, But A Problem Ain’t One

Perhaps you have heard of this list containing the 90 types of bitches… it’s like the Dead Sea Scrolls of our generation:

[A blogger’s] cousin found the list on the floor of the third-grade classroom in a DC charter school. The title is “Types of Bitches.” It’s a taxonomy of 90 different “types of bitches,” in hilarious detail. She scanned it and sent it along.

It’s important that we have a bitch “taxonomy” so we might better understand this majestic creature and study it in its natural habitat. You can view the list for yourself at the link above—it’s even funnier in it’s original penmanship and it’s even better imagining a 3rd grader ignoring his math lesson to write down the 90 types of bitches. But for those of you who hate reading handwriting, we’ve transcribed the list for you below. Which kind of bitch are you?
1) Dirty dumb ass bitches
2) Aint got no ass bitches
3) Dusty trick bitches
4) Fishy bitches
5) Don’t know how to fight bitches
6) Got all that mouth but can’t step bitches
7) Ugly looking bitch that think they all that
8) Can’t keep a man bitch
9) Track wearing bitches
10) Bitches that be trying to steal your man
11) Hoochie looking bitches
12) Ain’t got no damn sense bitches
13) Stupid bitches that act dumb
14) Bitches who can only get a dirty boy
15) Want to be jocking bitches
16) Bitches who think their man love them but get pregnant and be left alone
17) Bitches who think they better than me
18) Instigating bitches
19) Talking behind your back bitches
20) Loud mouth bitches
21) Pissy bitches
22) Stingy bitches
23) Funky looking bitches
24) Short hair bitches
25) Spanish bitches who think they all that cause of their hair
26) Bitches that be ignoring you when they know they can hear you
27) Staring in your face bitches
28) Big eyed looking bitches
29) Crazy bitches
30) Nappy tender headed bitches
31) Booty shorts wearing bitches
32) Coast-signing bitches
33) Dick riding bitches
34) Whipped bitches
35) Buck tooth bitches
36) Cheesy teeth bitches
37) Same wearing clothes each day bitches
38) Ghetto bitches
39) Hair dyeing bitches
40) Wearing shoes that be talking bitches
41) Bitches who think they hard
42) Bitches that think they get money
43) Bitches that go to a dirty school
Sadly, the page containing 44 – 58 is missing… we assume it’s because it was simply too awesome to leave laying on the floor of a 3rd game classroom. Nevertheless, the parade of bitches continues.
59) Gay bitches
60) Stanky fishy coochie smelling bitches
61) Tomboy bitches
62) Stain on your pants bitches
63) Dry scalp dandruff bitches
64) Dirty hair bitches
65) Stealing bitches
66) Stinky feet bitches
67) Big gap bitches
68) Protecting their store bitches
69) Pajamas outside bitches
70) Ragly braid bitches
71) Stanky butt bitches
72) Greedy bitches
73) Slimy grimy bitches
74) Psycho bitches
75) Drug dealing bitches
76) Geekin’ bitches
77) Suntanning bitches
78) Goofy looking bitches
79) Triflin’ bitches
80) Skanky bitches
81) Mugging bitches
82) Sloppy bitches
83) Dirty fingernails bitches
84) Dirty sock wearing bitches
85) Uncreative bitches
86) White bitches that think black people poor
87) Conceited bitches
88) Tall bitches
89) Short bitches
90) Jealous bitches
Personally, we like the “stanky fish smelling coochie” bitches and “wearing shoes that be talking bitches” (which refers to bitches who wear shoes where the front sole has come loose or unglued, making it look like a talking mouth). Whoever these third grade kids were, we hope they’re in the talented and gifted program because a list like this deserves a MacArthur genius grant or some shit.