QC FYI: Blowjobs Cause Throat Cancer. Worst. News. Ever.

Don’t you hate it when you’re enjoying a good hearty meal and some Debby Downer starts blabbing about how meat is murder, processed ingredients ruin the environment, and globalized vegetable farming causes child labor? It may be true, but let us finish our Hungry Man microwave dinner in peace, GAWWW!!! Well, we just got news that our favorite midnight snack causes throat cancer. Way to ruin the fun, science.
According to Dr. Joykill* of Wisconsin (*not his real name), there’s been a rise in certain types of head and neck cancers among young and middle-age Americans—cancers that he believes are caused by slamming a hot dick in the back of your throat. His fun-slaughtering study says that “having six or more oral sex partners over a lifetime [was] associated with a 3.4 times higher risk for oropharyngeal cancer—cancers of the base of the tongue, back of the throat or tonsils.” He says the reason there’s an increase of these cancers is because young people love suckin’ on dongs and because of a little thing called HPV.
HPV or human papillomavirus is a virus that used to be famous for causing cervical cancer in women, but now it’s raising its celebrity stock by giving cancer to EVERYBODY!!! Oh Death, you tricky bastid! Now every time we suck a wee wee we’re gonna imagine putting our lips on the barrel of a gun. Maybe we can just all start using dental dams to give oral sex, just like the lesbians do. Or what about that HPV vaccine—can we just start giving it to everyone with a penis?
C’mon guys! Start thinking creatively so we can beat this thing. COCKSUCKERS UNITE!!!