QC FYI: Banana Spider Bites Cause Raging Hard-ons

If you suffer from a fear of spiders, we may have the cure! What if instead of hideously poisoning you, spider bites just gave you an insane boner? Well that’s just what the Brazilian banana spider does!
Its scientific name is phoneutria nigriventer, or as we like to pronounce it shamma-lamma-ding-dong. It’s about the size of a post-coital pack of cigarettes and tends to pop up on banana plantations, transport ships, and packing crates at your local Whole Foods.
The spider doesn’t bite very often—a University of Washington arachnoid expert says there’s only 7,000 documented bites with just 10 measly deaths—but the spider is still a jerk. It likes to wander around at night and hide during the day in your car and shoes. Plus its bite hurts like a bitch. But if you do get bitten, hold onto your panties because that where THE REAL FUN BEGINS!!!
A chemical component of the spider’s venom causes priapism (ie. awesome boners). If a Brazilian banana spider bites you, you’ll end up with an erection lasting several hours. Granted, this erection can be very uncomfortable, especially at the dinner table, and it can even result in impotence. But scientists are currently studying the toxin because it has proven to grant magical boners to men unaffected by Viagra!
So the next time you think about squashing a spider in your home, think about whether it could give you a penis of the Gods!!! And then squash it.