Ask QC: Vanilla and Proud
Dear Ask QC,
I’m a 20-something gay guy living in America, and I’m struggling with the hookup culture and expectations around kinky sex. The thing is, I’m just not into that stuff – I’m pretty vanilla when it comes to my sexual preferences. I enjoy simple, straightforward intimacy without any BDSM, roleplaying, or fetish elements.
The problem arises when I go on dates or hook up with guys from apps. Even when I make it clear upfront that I’m only interested in vanilla sex, a lot of them seem to ignore my boundaries. They’ll try to coerce me into kinky acts I’m not comfortable with, or they’ll outright insist on things like anal sex even after I’ve said I’m not into that. It’s like they think they can change my mind or wear me down.
It’s really frustrating and makes me feel violated. I worry that if I continue being firm in my preferences, I’ll be seen as a prude or boring. But I don’t want to compromise my values or do things sexually that I’m not genuinely into, even if it means less hookup options. I just want to be able to have drama-free, consensual vanilla sex without this constant pressure to get kinky.
How can I navigate this better? Is there a way to filter for other vanilla-oriented guys on the apps? Or are there better places to meet potential partners who will respect my boundaries around sex? I’m starting to feel like I’m doing something wrong by just wanting to keep things simple in the bedroom. Any advice would be appreciated!
Sincerely,
Vanilla and Proud
Hi and thanks for writing in with your questions and concerns. Sexual preference is a personal and relevant topic to raise, especially as it is important to set your boundaries and for your sexual partners to respect those. It is great that in your 20’s you’re happy and comfortable with vanilla sex – we always say there is no right or wrong to sexual expression between two consenting adults, as long as no harm is done and boundaries are respected. So dear QC readers, what advice would you give? Have you been in a similar situation, have you been coerced into a type of sex you don’t enjoy or didn’t intend to do but felt pressured by your sex partner? Please share your thoughts, advice and own experiences in the QComments section below!
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