QueerClick

The best advice I got was: Just do it. It's like ripping a band-aid.

There is no real advice to give since every situation is unique. But I do know it's easy to procrastinate out of fear, founded or not, so just do it and get it over with. Worry about the fallout after.

If you think your sister would be supportive, you may want to tell her first. She might actually help your parents adjust to this news after you are back in school.

Even the most loving and understanding parents usually need some time to come to terms with a gay child. Remember, it took you some time to deal with it also.

You might also want to find out about the local chapter of Parents and Friends of Lesbians And Gays (PFLAG). This is a support group that they may find helpful as well.

Just be prepared for a range of reactions. You probably have a pretty good idea of how your parents may respond. If they have a difficult time, don't think this is final. In time they may come around. Also, the way you respond to their reaction will be helpful. Try to understand if they are having difficulty.

I decided when I was about your age that I was going to try to be honest with people about who I was. That does not mean that you tell everyone you meet, but whenever someone asked me if I was gay I said yes. I am a happy, out gay man. It is not only important for you, but for the health of your relationship with your boy friend.

Good luck!

I recently went through the exact same ordeal. I'm a twenty-one year old college student of a fairly religious family too.

I've actually always known that I'm bisexual, and having grown up in the south, in the bible belt I heard derogatory homophobic remarks throughout my entire youth. So I as well was very nervous during my coming out phase. I'm gonna tell you about it then give you some advice based on my experience.

I only had one friend that knew that I was gay before I told my parents. They didn't take it so well, and actually thought it was a phase and wanted to send me to counseling. That was 5 years ago and they are only now coming around to the idea and talking about it with me.

But I advise you to do the total opposite. You should come out to your friends and your sister first (which is what I wish I had done). Therefore if it doesn't go over so well with your parents you'll still get the support that you need/deserve.

I believe that my parents are just now coming around to the idea because they see that I still have regular friendships with regular people. Most parents take it hard because of fear; they fear that their children wont be able to live a regular, happy life. But showing them that you have support from others actually helps them to realize that its not abnormal in the least.

I think that the rejection that I received from my parents actually hindered my ability to become comfortable with the idea before I came out to others. Like I said I came out to my parents 5 years ago and I came out to my friends only 1 year ago (and I got a better reaction from my friends).

So there's my advice I hope it helps.
Let me know how it goes for ya buddy!!!
dothedrew8605@aol.com

Having allies is good, so coming out to people you have high confidence in first is a good idea. It makes you feel supported, and they will support you in the event of conflict.

I think it's important to feel like you're in control, and if you do too, I'd ask the people you bring into your confidence to let you be the one to tell others.

Your clear-mind guesses about how people will react are probably accurate. Your dark-mood fears will probably not be realized. But there will probably be at least one reaction (if not more) that is really lastingly unpleasant.

I think being informed and communicative was the order of the day in my coming out timeframe (early 1990s). Maybe it still is. Most people's hangups are mostly about preconceived notions based on fairly little, and you can often break them down with your simple existence and some honest discussion and information.

My advice is to tell your sister first. I did and it was a relief. It was a small hurdle and she is family so it helped me tell my parents. My mom wasn't happy about it not because it's not accepted in society but because she feared that I would die lonely or get infected with HIV (she's a nurse) My dad said he knew since I was 9. I told him why didn't you tell me, that it would have cleared a few things up earlier in my life. LOL Coming out is a relief, a huge relief! I will never forget that moment when I felt like I didn't have to hide anymore. Good luck and I hope this goes well for you. BTW don't expect them to be happy about it. Just say it and let them work it out on their own.Remember they are only human.
Peace

Throw a party. Make it like a sweet sixteen or bar mitzvah. Invite all your friends and family. A theme should be chosen. Pick food, music, decorations, and other details. It's much too stressful to come out to everyone one at a time. You can send evites through the internet and just make it into THE social event for your friends and family (until your own committment ceremony). In most matters, ask yourself "What would Madonna do?" and then just do it. ;)

In many cases, parents, friends and family KNOW before you even come out. Do it with confidence and be gentle. Since you're in school, I hope you are financially independent. Many students wait to tell until they have a parent-assisted diploma in-hand.
Find a local chapter of PFLAG and speak with some people about the difficulties parents have when their children come out. They have had expectations and hopes for you (girlfriends and marriage, included), and it's a blow to them when you present the fact that things may not go as they hoped.
What kind of people are your parents? What are their politics and their religious situation? Would it be better to tell one parent first and then the other? Or is it going to be as easy/difficult to tell them together? Inviting them to a PFLAG meeting is always a good ice-breaker, they will pretty much deduce what's going on when they walk in. Nowadays, many parents are more accepting, and if your boyfriend is a doll, they might end up embracing him right away while wondering why you waited so long.
It will be much more freeing to have relatives whispering, "Oh, he's the gay one," than having them try to pry you out of the closet by asking questions that invite you to say, "Girlfriend? Well, I have a girlfriend and his name is Greg. I can hardly wait for you to meet."

Speaking practically, I'd say wait until you've graduated and have a job and are making it on your own. If you are still depending on your parents for your living expenses in any way, it will be a problem if you tell them and they take it badly.

I had a recent expierence with a friend of mine wanting to come out. He told me that he was bisexual. I thought it was brave of him to trust me with his secret.

If you want to come out, take a litmus test with your friends and your sister. Test their reactions. If all goes well, then have a family meeting with your sister in your corner and tell your parents.

Tell them that you are born this way, there is nothing they did wrong. "I am telling only telling you this, because I love you very much."

They might be a little dumbstruck. They might need time to process it. At that moment, they realized that all of their hopes and dreams of you getting married and having kids with a woman are gone.

That was my advice to my friend when he came out recently. It worked out well for him, but every parent will have different reactions.

Good luck to you.

Interesting perdicament you're in. Similar to your experience, I came out to my sister recently, and after a mild ideological "freak out" , I reminded her that the only thing that has changed about our relationship was my intention to be honest with her about my life. She's been incredible ever since. It may be easier to come out to your sister first and then discuss the next steps of coming out to your family with her. Best of luck whatever the case.

Best,
Gavin

Well, I hope it helps, but here's the script from last year's Coming Out Monologues. It has true coming out stories from different people and different identities. Maybe you can read them and it can help you figure out if now is the best time to come out for you.

Best of luck.

DON'T COME OUT AT ALL!!!! You may find that if you stay in the closet you could become a huge international movie star and the next Pope of Scientology. And the closet ain't all bad - you get to pick your first three wives out of your agent's facebook - its like catalog shopping for a BFF. Plus you can still fuck male porn stars and Rob Thomas on the side. So take my advice - stay in the closet and Go West young man - head for Hollywood!

I would agree with alot of the guys here. Come out to your sister and your college friends first. When i started coming out to my friends and extended familys lack of shock and disgust was really encouraging. Younger people especially seem to be alot more supportive my cousins and friends didnt care and were fine with it and that gave me enough peice of mind and encouragement to eventually drop the bomb to the people i was less sure about. so good luck!

There is a great deal of good advice in the comments and the only thing I feel I can add is to be sure you have an objective support person to help you through this process. Many schools offer counseling services as do some LGTB groups. This isn't because you need help coming to terms with yourself (you seem to have a good perspective about yourself) but more to help you deal with the reactions of family and friends that may initially, not be completely positive.

As for your parents, they could surprise you both positively and negatively. As someone above said, it took you time to come to terms with your sexuality, it may take them time as well. I think many parents initially have difficulty with the news because of a perceived loss (weddings, grandchildren, etc.) but as time passes and they realize there isn't so much a loss, but perhaps a change of some of the goals. On the other hand, they may have their suspicions and be relieved to get past the doubt and be happy to share all parts of your life with you.

Whatever the route you take, I wish you luck and that all goes well.

Coming out is always different for every one, but the one common thing that all our stories have is that we were all scared. It's ok to be scared.

You're already on the right track, by confiding in someone you trust -- your sister. It's a different world these days. People are very supportive these days that I'm sure your friends will be there for you.

As for your parents, it would probably be best to tell one parent at a time. I know for me, going to my mother was a lot easier. She took it very hard, but I knew that if I told her, she would try to make it easier for my father when I finally decided to come out to him. Just remember that your parents love you and only want to see you happy.

Be prepared for a lot of questions and concerns. Remember, you've probably had a lifetime to think about who you are, give your loved ones some time to adjust to the new you.

It might also be of help for you to get involved with a support group for Gays & Lesbians in your community.

Good luck.

I think Steve offered very sound advice and T.Cruise's schpiel was hilarious.

As for your question, all the stress surrounding that issue is making it seem not so bad that AIM outed me to my parents. ;o

You probably know in your gut how they will react. Think pragmatically and good luck!

I am not a big fan of church, but don't underestimate what they might tell your parents should they ask their minister.

My Dad had passed away before I came out and my Mom was the first person who I came out to. She asked and I answered. I didn't want to lie especially not about something so important. I don't think she expected the answer.

She had a hard time with it and went to her minister, he told her "God doesn't make junk." He went on to counsel her and allay her fears. That went a long way to diffuse the situation for her.

She is Lutheran and I know that the Lutheran church may not be the most conservative, but my Mom is very religious it is a big part of her daily life.

I recommend being more proactive than I was about coming out. Definitely friends first.

Im in the same situation as this guy and its really good to see all the different advice and experiences of everyone here - and thanks Noel for the "Coming Out Monologues" link, really helpful! Actually its kinda comforting to know that there are other guys in my situation and also guys who have been through it and willing to share what its like or what to expect - thanks guys :)

I don't really have any more advice to add to what has already been given here. I just thought I'd share my rather comical journey here, so here it goes. I'm also a twenty-one year old university student and I come from a very religious family. It was Good Friday last year when the rest of my family decided to go down to the States to visit some relatives. Since I had exams to study for, I decided to stay behind at home. I called my old high school friend over to study with me since he, too, had exams the following week.

Earlier that day, I was watching some porn and I didn't know that I left the window open. When he came over, we decided to study in the kitchen area, so I left my MacBook on the kitchen table while I went off to print some lecture notes in the basement. Since my MacBook was new then, he snooped around and bumped into the open window. As I was climbing up the stairs, he heard me coming and asked, "Jose, what the hell is this?"

I looked over and lo and behold, it was a Corbin Fishervideo! I tried to close the window right away, but in my panic, I ended up maximizing it! After I managed to stop the video, I came clean and told him that I was gay. He was shocked when I told him the truth and apparently he thought I just downloaded the wrong porn. In the end, he was perfectly OK with it, which was quite the relief. I had planned on coming out to him that summer, but I guess he accidentally accelerated it.

Instead of studying, we even ended up discussing the whole thing and he reassured me that he was perfectly fine with me being gay. After that, I was on a roll until it came to my family.

I come from a very religious family, and I have heard my parents utter homophobic comments so they were definitely out of the question. At first, I had this elaborate plan to tell my siblings over dinner, but my younger sister begged off. I told her that she had to be there because I had an announcement to make, but she just insisted on me telling her what it is. When I told her, she said, "Hah, I thought so!" We got quite a laugh out of it. After that, I came out to my two other siblings and they were perfectly fine with it. I still haven't come out to my parents, and probably never will.

Good luck, and hope to hear from you on how it goes! (jp_1216@msn.com)

Jose

Well every family is different. I'm only 19 and have no intentions on telling my brothers and sisters ANY time soon. My parents i've told only because i'm still living in their house and didn't want them wondering why i suddenly had guys coming over (not that, thats happened yet since i enjoy being single)

Anyways I know some of you out there get uncomfortable with keeping things from the family and would imagine that being honest would make you feel alot better.

My position is, it's NOBODY'S business! My personal life is between my partner and I (if i had a partner) or just myself. Perhaps i'm just the type of person who is fine with keeping things to myself and i can understand that not everyone is like that so whatever 'In The Closet' does i wish him good luck and a happy life. Just thought i'd bring a different experience to the table.

Peace out

know what, i didn't go through everyone's responses. i'm sure they're all great, but i just wanted to quickly add my two cents.

the most memorable thing you will ever do is the first coming out. pick someone you KNOW is supportive, that will be there for you, that you TRUST. then, everything will come in time.

Hi everyone! I'm the guy who wrote in and just wanted to thank everyone for taking the time to leave some great advice and for sharing their experiences. Its helped a lot, so much so that I came out already to my college friends who have been really supportive and to my Sister who was just brilliant! My friends at college were like uh-huh so what? Very cool about it which was such a relief for me, but the opportunity presented itself at a gathering at a friends party and I had the courage to go through with it after reading all the replies here. With my Sister it was a little different but I just told her I had come out at college and wanted her to hear it from me and no before she heard it from anyone else - she was really supportive, said she kinda knew for a while but didnt want to nose into my affairs. Now she cant wait to meet my BF though! He has also been really good in supporting me throughout this, he's already been out to his family, etc for a couple of years although his background and family are very different from mine we couldnt find any common ground as to how he came out and how I should (he was "outed" at a previous school who then informed his family! Not the best way really!).

So the final hurdle will be my parents and my Sister is going to help me with this, we are going to try to do it this weekend, but we're keeping our options open. She believes in getting the timing right with them, but I dont know when the "right time" will ever be, I'm going to go along with it though and see what opportunities become available, we're still undecided whether to do it one parent at a time (separately) or both of them together. The best thing is its a relief for me already not to have to keep this in any longer and to have an ally in the family is a tremendous relief, its given me a lot of strength.

And so have you guys here, Im really glad I wrote in as I was going out of my mind with worry over this, and now, things seem much calmer and in perspective. My Sister says Ive got myself too worried and wound up over nothing! Well thats her view, haha, but I really wanted to thank everyone here for taking the time to give advice, write their experiences. And to QC too! Thanks for publishing my letter, love you guys!

S :*

(Formerly In The Closet)