Ask QC: Is Watching Cheating?
Dear QC,
I'm a big porn fan of course and I am in a long-term relationship. I really enjoy watching men fuck online and so when I was recently invited by a couple at a gay bar to watch them fuck, I had to tell them that I'd let them know. I'm not in an open-relationship, but my boyfriend does know about my porn habits; he just prefers I keep it to myself and not throw it in his face.
So here's the deal. I went out with a group of friends to a gay bar when my boyfriend was having a movie night with his gaggle back at the apartment. Anyway, it was near last call and I was watching these two guys make out hardcore at the bar. It was pretty hot, with them pulling themselves into each other and digging their hands into their pockets and waistbands while kissing passionately. When they caught me watching I smiled and shrugged and they asked if I wanted to join in.
I said, "I don't think my boyfriend would like that." And they said, "You can just watch if you want to." I declined again and left with my friends, but I've been thinking about their offer ever since. These guys are a couple frequent the bar my friends and I hang at. They're both very cute and seem like nice guys. I have no doubt they'd respect my comfort level, but is watching a couple get it on the same thing as cheating? I mean, they'll be having sex with each other, not with me... and I watch men having sex all the time on the internet. I sit and jerk off while they do their thing, so what's the difference?
Part of me is just asking to see how other QC guys feel about this. I'm not sure that I'll ever take them up on their offer. But where does porn end and cheating begin, especially in a case like this?
Bill from Brooklyn
Bill's boning over two bros in Brooklyn. Should he take them up on their invitation as an extension of his porn habit or would that cross a line? Please share any advice and experiences that might help in the comments section.
Have a question for QC? Send 'em to ask@queerclick.com and we'll do our best to solve your problems!
13
QC Asians
Reader Comments
Your 2¢, in chronological order — add your comment below.
Would it be cheating to watch a live sex show in Amsterdam while your b/f was doing the more normal tourist stuff? If the answer to that is "yes"then bag the idea.
But if the answer is "no," then the only difference is the setting, which MIGHT make the b/f think you mean to participate.
Tell him you had the invitation. If he gets defensive, and you value the relationship, don't go. But he may not. And your honesty will win you major points.
You have great respect for your boyfriend and his feelings. Ask him or ask him to come along.
If two hot guys invite you to join in and you decline, and they ask if you'd like to just watch, they're probably thinking they can still get you to join in down the road.
You made the right decisions.
The important fact is not whether watching people having sex is cheating or not. The point you have to ask yourself is: if you watch this couple fucking each other, do you have gut to keep the boundary, or will you not be able to stop the urge and join them? And there you have to dig down somethings between you and your bf: is this the first time you turn down a threesome offer for your relationship's sake, do you and your bf have good sex and healthy relationship, etc. Frankly, i think you should ask your bf about this, I personally think it's still considered porn, except this is live.
If your boyfriend found out, he'd probably feel inadequate, like he somehow wasn't enough for you. This is just as bad as cheating on him. If you're in a relationship, you have to respect his feelings. If you can't do that, then you should find someone else to date who doesn't mind what you do. You've made it pretty clear in your letter that your current boyfriend would mind. Sometimes being in a relationship requires sacrifices on your part. I think not watching guys have sex live is a sacrifice you can live with.
Why not just ask your boyfriend this question "theoretically"? I would suggest you could pose this dilemma with your group of close friends when in the bar, you could even let your boyfriend know of the "offer" you've declined. He may say it's OK, but even if he doesnt he will certainly respect your decision not to go ahead with it on that occassion when those two guys made the offer for you to watch. Personally I dont think watching porn is cheating, but going to a "private" show is, of course thats just how I feel about it and I realize there are thousands of different types of relationships where this would be considered OK.
If you're doing something that you don't want to share with your bf, then you're cheating.
I have to agree with Doug. There are boundaries that were set up in the beginning of the relationship and this falls in line with those rules. I don't see how the couple could go about their business with each other without reacting to you and what you are doing while watching. Then it wouldn't be just watching, you would get sucked in one way or another even if you didn't physically participate. It's just a bad idea if you have a closed relationship.
My opinion, if you respect yourself and your BF, you will not follow through. I know (for me) that watching porn on the internet and watching it live, in someone's home are 2 different things. I'm not sure I would be strong enough to not dive in and participate. It is wise to keep oneself out of situations that could potentially be damaging.
I say being in a bed room with a couple screwing in front of you is most definetly cheating, and the fact that you'd likely be beating off in front of them makes it more so. A live sex show in amsterdam is porn on stage, with other people, and about as intimate for the viewer as is watching it on a pc screen. Cheating here is more proximity and genuine intimacy. Your watching them, and there watching you watch them, there fore your involved in what's going on. Plus, how unlikely is it that you would possibly join say, after you're jacking off for a bit and one part of the pair asks if they can finish the job for you. :)
Yeah ... I'm not convinced that YOU'RE convinced it could in any way be an acceptable thing to "participate" in. That word's in quotes for a reason, you would be a participant in a private act of sex. You have to come up with some pretty inventive legalese to convince yourself that's NOT cheating.
You (may) feel no guilt enjoying porn while in a relationship, and your BF may have no problem with it either, but THIS ... this bugs you. Listen to your gut man.
WHY NOT GO INTO THE KITCHEN AND HOLD YOUR HAND IN THE FLAME OF THE STOVE?
Maybe you see what I mean. You could also consider putting some of your "porn effort" into "relationship effort".
If a major component of your sex life is outside the relationship, you are withdrawing yourself from the bf and he is tolerating that (for now).
Some of us would rather take the risk of putting as much as possible into the relationship, but it is not really for me to judge you if you don't.
if you have to think about whether it's right or not, then chances are, it's not.
Let's be honest here, if you have to ask, it's probably cheating. Each relationship has it's own set of rules and boundaries. If you are second guessing yourself and not sure where on the line an action lies, then I would say 9 times out of 10 it's probably "cheating". Now what level of "cheating" that is up to your partner and not you to decide.
I would steer clear of attempting to justify this by comparing it to porn. You would be going to a couple's house, in their bed room, sharing with them, and only them, a very intimate act. This is as far removed from porn as you can get.