QueerClick

Love its never a good time to bring this up. BUT!!! If you have some brains, do what i did... threw in a movie about two guys who have an open relationship. As you watching casually ask, "Hmmmm what are your views on an open relationship? Would you ever have one?" This is the best way i think. That way he doesn't suspect much and you get to find out what he thinks.

This is straight idiotic and selfish. Why the hell are you looking for a third and haven't even worked out the second yet? I have some advice, seek out a mental health professional and figure out why a relationship (mythical or real) would not be enough!

If you ask for the open relationship first in a public forum, you're bound to end up attracting a lot of sleazeballs.

If you want a boyfriend AND an open relationship, audition boyfriends FIRST.

Please play safe, it's been a heartbreaker when someone is infected by someone they love.

.... slut.

" guys who respond act like sleazeballs right off the bat talking about how we can immediately cruise for cock."

"I just feel like I won't be happy unless I'm in an open-relationship... I'm just trying to be honest up front."
No, your not being honest...with yourself. You know full well, that those who are "relationship oriented" will not appreciate the request, and then you chastise those who would because they are too enthusiastic. It seems you wanna be a slut, but don't want to date them??? Eh, Neurotic anyone?

Shit or get off the pot. You wanna relationship? Then fine, but you need to be an adult about it and stop complaining. And learn to accept that THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER...

What I don't like about ORs is that it's just a matter of time until it becomes a competition.

as my granny says, "honey, you're putting the cart before the horse."

I think relationships are to cookie cut in many peoples minds. What works for some does not work for others. I think what you should try is one first and see where it goes? Immediately saying I want this or I want that is setting yourself up for disappointment. Go with the flow you may find this is something you don't need or something you can't live without. Either way, when it comes to 2 people thing are never by the book.

Good Luck!

Wow....the guy asked an honest question and the ice queens of QC attack him for being a slut. Some of us think that monogamous relationships, as defined by American society, just don't work. In my view the effects of monogamy are best described through any number of Sam Mendes' movies...surely a soul/love killer.

There are a number of men who are interested in open relationships. Usually those are the mature men (read not old, but not with the social IQ of a teenager) who have been in a monogamous relationship before, and found it wanting. Not all people are like this, for some the one love/one person archetype will always be the rule. I hate to tell you that, but unless the person was raised by parents or influenced by friends to view relationships and love as more fluid....then you're going to have to face a highly puritanical, fantasy version of love as purported by so many of the commenters here.

as far as bringing it up? whenever you guys end up actually talking about whether or not your relationship is going to become exclusive or not. Usually that's around 3rd or 4th date if you're not rushing things. Then, rationally describe why it is you want an open arrangement.

Having been in a couple of them myself ... one actually being a triad that lasted four years:

It is difficult to find someone that is comfortable with the idea. The trust factor has to be there, as well as established boundries so both partners feel comfortable. That is ALOT of work.

Just be honest with your potential partners. Try checking out any local Poly groups; I have also found that you will find more people open to the idea in your bigger cities vs smaller cities and towns.

BUT, be open to the idea that you might have to commit to a monogomous relationship. Given the choice of being alone or having one person that will be there ... go for love.

You know what, good for you for admitting that you're not out for an exclusive monogamous relationship. Go on dates but put that intention out there as soon as you feel that dating is turning into relationship. If the dude declined, well, go onto the next one!

I think people should be able to have an open relatinship to see whats out there....especially young folks...like me...who wants to tie the knot at an age where there is much more...of course you have to have respect for yourself and your partner...

Every relationship is what it is. You have to let it grow naturally. I have been in open and closed relationships, and I can tell you there is no way to build one without first knowing the other person. Straight people have the swingers scene, but as gay people all we have are bars and parties where one night stands and ambiguous relationships are offered.

If you are in a relationship that is not working for you end it, but if you are in a relationship that is working for you let it evolve organically, don't try and predefine it.

Ummmm . . . Online might not be the place to look for any relationship.

Holy shit. What a bunch of bitter old queens! I'd be willing to bet that every single one of the bitches that tried to clown you about this is single, ugly, and old.

I'm young (33), in good shape, and very HAPPY in a partnership of 11 years with another young (37), HOT, muscly man. We play VERY well together, and occasionally we play apart. It does NOT mean we don't love each other, or that we're not enough for each other. We always know what's really important, and always put each other FIRST.

What people have to try and remember (if their jaded old brains will allow it), is that SEX DOES NOT EQUAL LOVE. Sex is sex, and it means absolutely nothing without the emotion behind it. My partner could fuck 10 guys a night and I STILL know he's coming home to me, and I STILL know he's not gonna do anything behind my back. Why would he? What would be the point when we allow each other the liberty to explore other guys sexually?

All these guys who bash you for the way you feel ought to just SHUT THE FUCK UP and let you live your life the way YOU want to live it. They sound just like those stupid religious right fuckers that go around trying to tell everyone how to live their lives. If half of this country would stop being so uptight about sex, and who they're doing it with, and what it means, and all that shit, they might find the person they can truly be happy with.

In other words....do what's right for you, and for your partner. Stop trying so hard, and love will come to you. Any man who really truly loves you will lsten to anything you have to say because what's important to you will be important to him. No relationship is perfect, but you can come close.

By looking for an uncommon type of relationship you've automatically narrowed the field of available and willing partners -- by a lot. You should immediately put it out there what you're looking for, and be ready for a lot of rejection (of your desire for an very particular type of relationship, not as a rejection of YOU as a desireable partner).

Don't "wait-and-see" if someone is interested in that type of relationship (it's just not common, you'd be setting yourself up for a failed relationship -- and wasting time for both of you). Don't worry about the crazies you might come across (all YOU'RE doing is rejecting what THEY are looking for -- don't worry about it). Because it's less common it's inevitable that you're going to have to work harder to find that perfect partner.

To get this all right, you are single, looking for a "boyfriend", that will allow you to have an open relationship if you ever decide to have one. But as I got it even before you found the boyfriend you decided to have an open relationship with him. Than to be exact you already decided the boyfriend you ll find will not be enough for you, you ll want more sex, you will want to get laid with other people. Than why bother having a boyfriend at all? Just continue your life as it is.

I dont think you are looking for a boyfriend, you are just looking for a label that says boyfriend and which is labeled to some poor innocent and stupid guy. Because you ll never be able to find someone unless you decide on what you really want. And with all these biases that you have, its very obvious you would not be able to continue a relationship.

My advice to you would be to get your ideas and needs cleared up. What do you want more? Sex or a partner? If sex is more important for you, just have steady fuckbuddies and take them to dinner in once a while so you can think you are living an open relationship with them. If you want a partner, think of his positive qualities first and if he is good enough for you before thinking if he would let you have an open relationship, try to love him first, maybe you ll not need to have an open relationship in the end. After you love him, and still need to have an open relationship than ask him if he would let you to have one. Once more: "After" you have a loving relationship, "NOT" before.

"Wow....the guy asked an honest question and the ice queens of QC attack him for being a slut. "

Ah, no.

I attack him because he looks down on others, who are interested in open relationships... while at the same time gets frustrated when someone for not being into open relationships. I think it is childish to put down others for the very same thing your looking to engage in while attempting to date those who aren't interested.

Again, very neurotic. The whole 'I don't want to date a cock hound thing' is ridiculous.

If it is consensual on both people in the relationship, then fine, but if the person isn't willing, and your clearly pursuing them based on their desire to be LTR w/Monogamy then you need to grow up.

I'm surprised a lot of those posters who ragged on us 'bitter queens' didn't get offended by " guys who respond act like sleazeballs right off the bat talking about how we can immediately cruise for cock." He is talking smack about you. Its humorous because it categorizes him in the same sentence.

I dont think you're a slut and I can identify with where you are coming from. If there is one thing I have learned over the years is that there are many types of gay relationships, whether it be monogamous, 'married' life partner, play-around-together, open or sexless or any combination of these. I think its OK for you to be upfront with what you are looking for, putting your cards out on the table, so to speak, can be risky but its far better that you discuss it and lay the ground rules before you enter into a relationship. From my own experiences, I tour with a band and myself and partner are separated for weeks (sometimes months) at a time - both being realistic that we need sex we have an open relationship but with some clearly defined ground rules (i.e. safe sex, only certain types of sex and not getting involved emotionally with a sex partner). It works for us, there may be some people who are disapprove of this, but this is our relationship and nothing to do with them. We don't fit into the stereotypical image of a 'hetero style' married monogamous relationship both doing 9 to 5 jobs but instead lead a less conventional lifestyle. Sexual needs are something we both agree are natural and rather than try to hide the fact that we occassionally have other sexual partners but we are open about this. And we discussed this right at the beginning of our relationship, in fact even before we had sex for the first time it came up when we talked about our lifestyles, travelling and being apart and have both been OK with it for the last two years. As I say, different choices out there, no one has the right to tell you what you can and cant do - as long as its both your choices the decision is yours. And for those who though the 'slut' insult I doubt very much they are that innocent?

Since when does monogamy have to be equated with 'hetero' lifestyles?

Again, so straight people don't have open-relationships?

Clearly gays who state this to be a matter of our culture, are completely vapid and stupid and don't know a dam thing about it!

Whores come in all shapes and sizes, sexual orientations too! lol!

@ saj - If there is anyone vapid or stupid its you, if you read the comment from JK its says 'hetero style' clearly referring to what in the straight world is considered a conventional marriage, (there's the clue for you there with the inverted commas, as you obviously need some help). If you dont agree with an open relationship just state that, but don't take someones words out of context and try to twist it into something else. I cant believe you are so dumb that you havent yet realized that there are far more open and different types of relationships in the gay world than the straight. I'm not saying thats right or wrong but calling someone a whore because they live an alternative lifestyle is not only judgmental but borders on homophobic. Shame on you.

I know plenty of Gay's who proudly state they are whores. I didn't state it to be a jab.

"I cant believe you are so dumb that you havent yet realized that there are far more open and different types of relationships in the gay world than the straight."
Again, ???? Attempting to quantify each and individual relationship characteristics in both gay and straight categories is just stereotyping them and is wrong. Don't be so preachy.

The question basically was, 'how can I get a LTR/monogamous minded person to be open?' Answer: Duh, You cannot.

Again, being neurotic about people who are into open relationships as 'cock chasers' is ridiculous when the poster is too. Date someone in your category. And stop trying to change people who aren't. This person is attempting to do so, and its wrong. Read the post again if you don't get this.

If this guy want's to go for an open relationship then he should just go for it! I don't really think its necessary for people to throw insults or be judgemental, after all you are giving advice on a porn blog for chrissake!

Personally I have been in several types of relationships, some closeted, some open and one threesome. All of them at different stages in my life and being called a whore for doing so never entered into the equation. Just because some people think that we should all conform to lead a monogamous lifestyle and to live like married straight couples doesn't mean that an alternative lifestyle is wrong. Some people forget that not everyone has the freedoms of countries such as Europe or USA and have no choice but to live a life in the closet, with few opportunities to have gay relationships never mind sex.

Whilst I realize that a sexually open relationship isn't for everyone, the fact of the matter is that it is a choice for some people. No one here should be a moral judge for that, having sex is a choice for the partners involved and frankly your opinions don't come into it

@ saj - the question is "How the hell do I get into an open relationship?" Its in the first line, I think you have missed the point completely. You don't give any constructive advice other than criticize other readers attempts st help. Venting your discrimination's and trying to justify your insults by saying you "know plenty of Gay's who proudly state they are whores" is just pathetic.

"I don't want a fuckbud who likes threesomes, I want a fucking boyfriend, a partner who's OK with the idea of us occasionally fooling around with other guys, together or separately."

Contradiction. I don't want a fuckbud who wants threesomes, but have a boyfriend that does? Its neurotic. He just wants the title of Boyfriend, not the 'boundaries' of one. Its all fun and games, til' the partner drops him for someone better-which chances are is what you set yourself up for in an open relationship. You just clinging to an idea, and not the person. Your bored, but don't want to give up the idea of having the security in knowing you 'have someone'. You wanna talk pathetic... that's pathetic. What is wrong with fuckbuds? If your inclined to have them, then why be preoccupied with gaining the title of Boyfriend?

He's probably one of those people, that expect rules in bed for his partner to follow when he isn't there. No Bottoming, No kissing, No repeats! Give me a break! If you give me an opportunity to see others, I'm not going to worry about rules, you selfish jerk!

Johnson your statement about discrimination is ludicrous. I'll tell all blacks about how your sexual habits are really stopping you from sitting in front of the bus. Maybe Prejudice? [aren't we all just a little bit] But discriminatory?... um, unless I turn you down for sex, that's discrimination, right?. LOL!

Now, now, gays reading this, don't get your panties in a rough, I'm not down with prop h8!

Johnson, the right of pursuing an open relationship is NOT the issue I have. Its the fact the commenter doesn't like those who are too enthusiastic about them. I think he's neurotic. He pursuits LTR w/Monogamous minded people with the interest of opening the relationship up. Its very counterproductive to pursuit people that don't have the same interests, like an open relationship. He sets himself to be perpetually unsatisfied with what he has by doing this. He is the source of his own problem. A neurotic person.

"I'm a decent guy but the few times I've placed a personal ad saying I'd like an open relationship, the guys who respond act like sleazeballs..."

He posted an ad for an open relationship, yet turned away people who answered. What didn't you read? People were answering and he turned away people into this. Um... very neurotic.

Then states, he would prefer to date someone with a the option to 'occasionally' fool around. So I would ask him, define 'occasionally'? What makes a person a 'sleazeball'? He seems to have an idea, but doesn't realize that others won't. Maybe that is is his problem.

I also think that gays that throw around terms like 'discrimination' and 'homophobia' on the difference of an opinion of sexual practice 'water down' its actual meaning.

I'm not into fisting, blood, barebacking, and scat; it doesn't mean I'm homophobic or discriminating a class of people when I dislike it or I discourage the practice thereof.

Its this lack of distinction that causes a lot of resentment form different 'class' or 'groups' who actually go though an experience of it. Even other homosexuals, who actually do go through an experience of discrimination would think twice about using discrimination in terms of what posters have used on this board.

Also, I'm not commenting on a perfect stranger, who didn't ask for my opinion. The commenter asked readers for their opinions. I gave a solicited comment.

Everyone else here seems to have hangups about it.

@ saj - The guy asked a valid question about how to find a partner for an open relationship, with some of his own particular terms attached. He didn't ask for an opinion on whether you agreed with it, and I'm sure he certainly didn't ask to be called a whore. Having a difference of opinion is fine, but that doesn't mean you have to give us all a boring lecture on morals or try validate your insults, you are really on the wrong forum to be doing that.

I didn't call him a whore; and if you look actually read my posts the conversation was about him classifying one set as 'sleazeballs' and then classify himself as 'decent'. The distinction is setup by him. Your points would make sense if they were directed at the questioner. You don't read very well do you j, or Johnathan??

The validity of the question was never brought up. You think this is a hangup about sex. Its not. The poster wants to have a boyfriend but doesn't get a commitment from guys because the ones pursued are LTR w/Monogamy--THEY DON'T WANT AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP.

It is neurotic to pursue men that aren't into open relationships because the ones that are, as the questioner characterized it, are too enthusiastic about it. Again, the problem is himself. He posted an ad to date men into open relationships, but turn them down because they are, as he put it, 'sleazeballs'. I can state this plainly time and time again, and people are too fucking defensive to actually pay attention. They get into an activist fag mode. Lighten up you tools.

There you go again "saj" hurling insults. The guy asked a question on how he could find the sort person for a particular type of relationship that he desires. He didnt ask for your opinion about that type of relationship and certainly no one here asked for your insults.