QC DIY: Hickeys Suck

For those of you who don’t know, a hickey is a sort of “love bruise” that results from broken capillaries after someone sucks on your neck (or other body part). Lovers give hickeys for the same reason that dogs pee on trees—it’s a feel-good way to mark territory.
If you’re over 16 years old and have given someone a hickey, welcome back to middle school! Oh, it feels nice to have your neck sucked and licked, but it sure doesn’t feel nice looking like Count Dracula’s whore.
Hickeys, like all other bruises, take time to heal. But some employers and lovers may not not have time for your slow-healing suck mark. Though they’ll usually go away in a few days to a week, here are some things to help speed the process…
1) CHILL OUT: Throw that neck-sucking cad off you and apply an icepack or towel-wrapped ice cubes on the hickey as soon as possible. Cold will help constrict the veins so that new blood won’t rush to the hickey and make it darker. Go for up to 20 minutes or as long as you can stand it.
2) BRUSH IT OFF: Everyone loves a good stiff one. So go grab a stiff-bristled toothbrush or comb and lightly brush the hickey area to break up the blood clot and induce healing blood flow. Initially, the redness and swelling will spread, but if you wait about 15 minutes, it’ll be less obvious. In between you can always reduce swelling with the icepack. And if Count Dracula’s still around, you can spank him with the comb. He’ll like it.
3) USE WITCHCRAFT: Put away the spell book, Harry Potter. We’re suggesting some organic solutions for your vampire kiss. Arnica and Witch Hazel are two herbal salves for healing bruises. You can find them in your local drugstore. A small dab of diluted vinegar on a cloth of cotton ball can also reduce the color and speed the healing process. Some people also say toothpaste is an ideal solution, but we suggest avoiding it. The chemicals in toothpaste could irritate the bruise or even burn the skin making the hickey look far worse.
4) TOUCH YOURSELF: Yeah, like you need an advice column to tell you to touch yourself. Hell, if you’re on this site, you’re probably already doing it. But unless the hickey’s on your dickey, you might want to move your hands up and massage that spot. Massaging will help break up the blood and fade the hickey’s color. A good solid rub should do. Some people rub with a hard edged coin or stick, but don’t rub too hard. The spot may be tender or painful and hard rubbing could make the bruise worse. After about 10 to 15 minutes of massage, you’ll find the hickey has faded a little.
5) HEAT THINGS UP: As we said, hickeys just take some time to heal. But if it’s still noticable 24 to 48 hours after you get it, try holding a towel soaked in warm water on the hickey will increase blood flow and healing. Five minutes three times a day should do ya.
6) TIME TO MAKE UP: You could check out your local cosmetics counter and buy a green-tinted concealer, foundation, or eye shadow that’s a little lighter than your skin tone to help conceal the hickey. But make sure the makeup blends in naturally with your skin color and doesn’t get on your clothes or else your cover will be blown.
7) LYING AND OTHER OPTIONS: You could always resort to scarves, high-collar shirts, and turtlenecks to cover hickeys while they heal, but they tend to look suspicious in warm weather. You could also wear a bandage or tell people you got hit in the neck, but the smarter ones will know. One guy got his boyfriend to suck on his neck in the dark on the exact spots where he had hickeys and then blamed them on him, which is ideal (if you can get away with it).
Luckily, blowjobs don’t leave hickeys on dicks. That would suck (and not in a good way).