We’d Like To Buy The World A Cock Coke

Remember that cocktease you took on a date to the movies? Coca-Cola does, and it’s here to help you relive the entire awkward experience! Near the climax of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, that suave looking son of a bitch reached over and grabbed our pudgy hand. We hadn’t been to the gym in months and felt particularly frumpy that day. How could such a fine looking mother-scratcher ever take a shine onto us?
But he did! And he drew his hand closer to his crotch, only to use our hairy Beefaroni-scented mitt as a bottle opener so he wouldn’t tear his sliky Vaseline-softened hands on the serrated blade they call a Coca-Cola bottle cap. Without even looking at us, he dropped our paw like a dirty cum rag and started sucking on that longneck while we looked on enviously, knowing he’d never put his lips on us that way.
After the consolatory pat on our back goodbye, we went home, deleted his number from our phone, and masturbated in tears while listening to All By Myself. But we still occasionally jerk off to his unlocked pics from his personal profile. Thanks for the memories, Coke.