Ask QC: I love him and want him but he just wants to remain friends… is there any hope?

Dear Ask QC,

So here’s my problem. I got to know a guy online almost 2 years ago. He’s 22 now and I’m 38, yes I know there is a big age gap. But the thing is even with that we laugh and joke and get along really, really well. The age gap is irrelevant to me and he’s said the same thing too. We actually have a lot in common, like the same taste in music, we are both into the same sports and have a common interest in business, geeky/techy things and that sort of stuff.

Being a bit of a slow mover, we became online buddies for more than a year before we actually met up (neither of us are the type to just jump into bed with anyone right away), but yeah we’ve jacked off together online a few times, we both like sex and like our porn too so when we got horny we beat off on cams together.

The thing is, our online personas are of course very different to how we interact in real life, both being cautious we met at a public place for coffee on our first meet and I was a bit nervous and formal I guess. I’m very chatty and funny online but come across differently in real life, maybe because I run my own business and am dealing with clients all day I tend to have a formal approach. I dont know, its just me I guess, but that first face to face meet went really well and things moved on from there.

After a few more meets I really thought this was going some where as I loosened up a bit and we were laughing and joking around. We even hugged when we parted and he suggested more and more dates too – so far so good. So recently he suggested a weekend away together as he will have some free time after his exams and the holidays before his college starts up again. So here I was getting myself all worked up about this, a romance in the making perhaps too? And I felt he was giving me all the right signals, suggesting we get a room together in a country hotel, well what would anyone else think?

The cock teasing and innuendo have been really very alluring, exciting and great fun in the lead up to that weekend away too. But here’s the thing, I think I may have jumped the gun and one night last week when texting I declared that I wanted him, I wanted him completely and now and couldn’t take waiting any longer. I just couldnt take it any longer and needed to let him know how I felt about him. I was so hot and horny but also had an overwhelming desire inside. I’ve not felt that surge of love for a very long time, I came out of a difficult but long term relationship a few years back and since then focused on my business and not on looking for a lover. I’ve had quite a few sex dates during that time of course but he’s the only one I’ve felt connected to – and I thought he was feeling like that for me too.

That was when he dropped his bombshell! He said NO WAY ITS NOT LIKE THAT (yes he used caps in his text) and he wished all his friends would quit saying that to him too (the “all his friends saying that to him too” was quite a revelation and hurt me in the gut that one, so like oh I’m not the only one right?). I was taken aback because we are two years into getting to know each other, online, dating (but no sex apart from the webcam jacking off together). I remember when we first me online within the first few days we had swapped dick pics, body pics and all so, to me at least, it was pretty clear that we both wanted each other like that too.

So then he said he just wants to remain “good friends” and it’s not like we would have a relationship with our age gap and both being at different stages in our lives (admittedly its true that I am very busy running my business and of course he’s studying now and for the next couple more years too). But I now feel really deflated and let down, and rather stupid in mis-reading all these signals from him. It occurred to me that maybe I have in fact just been “led on” (I hope not for his own amusement? Why would someone do that?). Has he just been on a trip to stroke his ego, is that it? He’s obviously been doing this with other guys as he said he keeps getting hit on like this. So I asked if he would like to move into my place and that was when he also revealed that he will be renting a room from another guy (who is a few years younger than me at 31). He said there is nothing going on between them and he would still like our friendship to continue. The apartment hes going to share is in an upscale neighborhood and when he told me the rent he will be paying its obvious that guy is going to let him stay there for a fraction of the real rental value. He’s only known this guy for a few months, or so he says, and he got a bit pissed at me when I pointed that out and the very cheap rent (next to nothing) that there must be more to it that that. Since this exchange our texts have been few and far between – neither of us have texted each other much just like 1 or 2 every other day (usually we can chat for hours at a time).

This has played a lot on my mind, so I got in touch with him a few days ago and his reply was he’s now very busy with his exams but is still free for our planned trip away we have booked for in a few weeks time. My problem with this, am I just a meal ticket, is he playing games with me? I know it would be awkward if I attempted a pass at him after what he’s said so I mentioned what would happen as we will be sharing the bed together. Couldn’t believe that he actually said he would punch me in the face if I tried anything on – and I asked if he was joking and he said no (of course the thing is we do joke alot and I’m still not even sure)

So should I just move on and forget about him? I do truly and deeply care for him, he’s a gorgeous and funny guy and I know I love him too (and yes I do still have the hots for him even if he doesn’t for me anymore). Am I just kidding myself that anything can ever work out? He has made it very clear he wants to remain only as good friends and not lovers and I’ve made it clear I want more than just to be good friends, I want us to be lovers. Is there any hope in a situation like this or am I deluding and blinding myself to the situation? I don’t know whether I can live with just being friends, should I go ahead with our weekend vacation or cancel it? I’m sure if I cancel it that will put a full stop to our friendship as he’s really looking forward to it – he says he is still excited to the trip. But I also know that for me it will be excrutiatingly painful to be in the same bed so close together and not be able to even embrace or hug him when I know I feel like this about him and he doesn’t feel the same way about me. I thought of getting single beds but the hotel is now fully booked, just not sure what to do next, try and forget him and move on or hang on in if there is a possibility or chance he may reconsider having a loving relationship with me, is that even likely or am I just wasting my time (and his). Sorry for rambling on a bit…

Thanks for listening guys, Emmett

Hi Emmett and thanks for writing in with your questions and concerns.. We know that there can be all types of different and successful relationships and age differences are a small barrier to overcome. You guys obviously get along well together, but of course you cannot make someone love you, that has to come from inside of them and of their own free will. So dear QC readers should Emmett cancel the trip or go ahead, what tips and advice can you give him? If you have experience of this type of situation before perhaps you can leave him a message here to assist with him making a decision? If you can help him in any way, then please share your wisdom and advice with all in the QComments section!
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