Ask QC: I want sex but I just clam up!
Dear Ask QC,
I’m 24 and have been closested almost all of my life until recently when my situation changed and I have been able to be a bit more open. Up until 6 months ago I still lived with my parents when I was recently transferred to another city through work which has been liberating to some extent. Although I’m not out at work I was able to start dating men and I thought, finally able to have sex.
You probably think it’s a bit pathetic a 24 year old guy writing in with this problem, as I have not had sex with another guy. But don’t get me wrong, I love sex – well porn at least anyway lol! Seriously I really love it and I love to masturbate daily as really this has been my only outlet. So you can imagine how excited I got when I knew finally I would have my own place and be away from my parents and away from that hateful homophobic town I used to live in (seriously I don’t know why I stuck it there for so long).
So, being a bit new on the scene and all I’ve tried some of the bars but really I didn’t like it much and so I starting using the dating apps. After a few bad dates with some weirdo’s I finally met the sort of guy who not only makes me feel good inside, he’s hot too, I generally go for older guys but he’s only 28, still he’s hot though, and funny, and kind and so far he’s been really very patient with me.
Although I love the idea of hot random sex, I’m not the sort who is going to jump in bed or do it just for the sake of doing it. I think I’ve realized that I have to have some emotional attachment with a guy before I would want to go that far. So here is my dilemma, my guy has been patient for a while now and we’ve gotten to making out but that’s it as far as I can go. If his hand goes near my dick or he puts my hand on his I just clam up. I know this is weird and I usually make excuses like I’m tired or I don’t feel well (I’ve even pretended to fall asleep a couple of times). I know this is wrong and I don’t know why I am like this or why it happens? I just kinda freeze and can’t move. It’s like I am scared but I want it and well I don’t know really it’s confusing. The first few times this happened he was okay with it but the last few times he sighed and last night he even started to get a bit angry and grumpy and he left early. I hate doing this to him and seeing him like this but I can’t even try to explain to him why I do this or how I can fix it? After last night I even started to get a bit scared he may dump me or go off me because I’m not giving him the sex he wants. Like I say, it’s weird because I want sex with him too but well, it just stops with me clamming up! Seriously guys this is starting to get me down so if you know how I can change this I would be really so happy and grateful to you all – thanks.
hugs and all
Matt
Hi Matt and thanks for writing in with your questions and concerns.. Firstly Matt no one here thinks your letter or problem is pathetic and if you read back through the archives you will see that there are plenty of guys older than you who’ve not had sex or full intercourse yet. So don’t ever think that a question here is in anyway trivial or not worthy of being posted here, we are a community and here to help our fellow members. Learning to love both physically and emotionally doesn’t just happen overnight, it’s a life long process. In your case, being suppressed in a closeted and homophobic environment for the most part of your life won’t have helped you but now that you are in a new and more open situation then things will improve. And consider that it’s only been a few months since you left your previous situation and adapting to your new job, environment and openly gay lifestyle will all take some time – but you will adapt. You’re lucky you have found such an understanding guy and it will help if you’re able to explain your situation to him so that he can comprehend your problem too. It may be worthwhile seeking out gay support groups in your city who may be able to advise on counselling if it is also needed. So dear QC readers, what advice would you give Matt? Have you come across this before or experienced a similar situation? If so, what did you do? If you can help him in any way then please share your thoughts, advice and experiences in the QComments section!
Need advice? Just send in your questions and the QCollective will get you some answers!
