Going Sidewards: Understanding Queer Men Who Don’t Like Penetrative Sex

In a gay men’s world of tops, bottoms, and in-betweens, there are these people who we call “sides”. I mean why does it sound like a dystopian segregation anyways eh?

Just in case you don’t know, the term “side” was made popular around 2014 when sexologist Joe Kort proposed it in a HuffPost article. It has not really made it to the Oxford Dictionary yet but its prevalence has caused some gay men to think if they really belong to a particular group in terms of labeling sexual positions. Being a “side” means you’re neither a top nor a bottom. Basically, you enjoy everything sexual without the penetration. So, for us who were born with penis and ass, some might think that it’s easy to be what you really want to be when it comes to gay sexual roles. Not for people who think they “don’t belong” to one or more of these groups though.

HOW “SIDES” ARE MADE?

First and foremost, you can either be a side since the day you did it with another man/men or you can “make a side out of you“. Sides, just like any other queer men who take certain sex roles, may have either chosen to be sides or some factors made them become one. Yes! They can be someone who used to be tops or bottoms. It’s like when you used to be a Power Top and then you engaged yourself into a flip-fuck session, making you realize that a dick penetrating you brings pleasure to your whole being, then you either become a bottom or versatile.

It’s pretty much the same with sides. Some sides were tops or bottoms but they got tired of doing the role so they prefer to be sides. Some were “supposed to be exclusive bottoms” but couldn’t stand the pain of bottoming or had terrible past experiences with it so they chose to be sides. There are also queer men who are sides because of faith and religion. Most of them believe that it’s only counted as “gay sex” if penetration occurs during the act so they’re somehow trying to be on the safe side basing it upon their beliefs. There are gay guys who could have been tops but their penile hypersensitivity or erectile dysfunction gets in the way and they don’t want to bottom either so they’re left with no choice but to become sides. There are lots of reasons why sides prefer to be like who they are but we don’t really have to divulge unless they initiate to share it with you.

HOOKING UP AS A SIDE

So sides cannot take the phrase “hook-up” literally but they can still make out with dudes regardless of sexual dispositions. Pretty much the same as how any person does it. There’s a myth that should have been busted a long time ago somewhat declaring hooking up with sides are not fun. Obviously, it’s not true. Experimental ones seem to enjoy sides because sides know lots of ways to turn you on. People who take their time on foreplay enjoy sides too. But it could also be difficult for sides to find someone who is open-minded especially when Top, Versa Top, Versatile, Vers Bottom, & Bottom are the only options available on your favorite dating app to identify your “position” as how they label it They’ll be forced to put that in their bios instead which somehow making “sides” an invisible concept. Though there is “Do Not Show” but that doesn’t really help sides to be noticed. People need to know the sides’ existence!

PERKS OF BEING A SIDE

I know some gay men who value their “anal virginity” or we could simply call “virginity” more than anything else so they choose to be sides until after finding “The one“. It’s a good thing that this new generations of queer men build principles that align homosexual ideologies with heterosexual sex norms and make them as important as “straight standards” It leaves an impression that gay men are not just sex machines who are only/always after sexual pleasures! We do have feelings too.

Practically speaking, there are sides who just don’t want to transmit or receive STIs or at least prevent the spreading of diseases which are very thoughtful of them in a way. In line with this, they can partake in sensual intercourses without feeling low because of poor obligatory sexual performance. Being either a top or bottom takes more practice than being a side. All I say is doing blowjobs and handjobs could get difficult too but getting it on without penetration would lessen your worries like maintaining an erection if you’re a top or the seemingly endless excruciating pain for bottoms. How’s that?

And finally, some may have experienced doing one night stands, like going all out with someone then feel empty afterward. Or sometimes getting attached when you’re really not supposed to after doing the deed completely. For sides, it happens too but not quite. Emotional attachment can either be amplified or laid to rest in a man’s world where we can easily get turned on during foreplay. So if they feel like the gravity of how they performed during a jack-off or blow job session was not reciprocated, they can just shake it off since neither they nor their partners have even gone to the final base anyway. But if there’s a spark between a side and a sexual partner, then it’s good news!

SIDENOTE

It’s a rewarding feeling when someone finds contentment when it comes to their sex lives. Sides can easily make up for the lack of anal penetration by doing pretty damn well with other stimulating sex practices. I’ve known some sides who are dating sides and they’re satisfied with how much affection they show for each other because, in the end, oral, frotting, kissing, cuddling, all of them can still be intimate. Penetrative sex doesn’t define intimacy. It is doing it with someone you feel like doing it with.

Have you ever considered yourself a “side” and how does it feel in your perspective? Have you ever planned of giving up penetrative sex for a reason? You can let us know in the comments below!