QueerClick

Variety is the spice of life, as they say. Variety in the bedroom helps keep a sexual relationship fresh and exciting. If you both truly love each other then your primary interest in the bedroom should be what the other wants, not what you want. If one of you wants to try something new, within reason, then the other one should be willing to at least give it a try. If you want to try being fucked, then your boyfriend should be willing to at least try fucking you. I've never understood the top/bottom thing. I actually think it's got nothing to do with sex and more to do with personality and self-image. Alot of guys will just tell you to cheat on your boyfriend and go out and find a top to pound you into next week. Before you do that, examine your relationship and why you're together. If the relationship is centred around you as the top and him as the bottom, then end it and THEN go out and find a top to pound you into next week.

I understand where you're coming from. I'm a top most of the time, because most guys want me to top them (I'm a big hunky man), not because I don't like getting fucked, too. I play it as it lays, so to speak.

Dan Savage, the sex counselor, once told me that everyone deserves the sex life they want. He seemed to feel so strongly about this that he suggested if you're not getting what you want, you go find it. I'm not sure if that meant he was advocating abandoning your long term relationship. But perhaps there's a way to open your relationship.

I have friends who have been in committed open relationships. All of my relationships have been monogamous. I think there's more to a relationship than just sex; then again, I wasn't making a great accommodation by topping my partner. But I don't think there is a set answer. Maybe you can open up your relationship within limits. Or maybe, once a month instead of getting pedicures, or going out for a fancy dinner, you budget hiring someone to come in and play w you both. (I'm not kidding! Consider him a treat you give both of yourselves). You have to find what works for you, and for your partner.

And here's the hard part: you have to talk about it with one another. (Easy to counsel; hard to do).

Start with a Dildo .... Let your BF work it while blowing you off. Let him see how much you enjoy it and how you enjoy it.

If/When you have a chance to try it with your bottoming bf expect a few failed attempts in the beginning, once you get into a sexual routine it is difficult to break or alter. Don't show disappointment and let him know that you're not going anywhere. This is what Lovemaking is about. It sometimes requires patiences and guidance.

I don't recommend the third party. That could bring up feelings of inadequacy and jealousy. But if you go that route - Let him make the choice of the timing and the person.

Bottoms Up!

If your boyfriend is absolutely uninterested, unwilling or unable to accommodate your sexual desires, consider moving on. How will you feel in 5 or 10 years if you've hung out in a relationship where you aren't satisfied. Honey, you're 28, not 88.

I was a big ol' bottom, until I discovered that rimming my boyfriends made me want to fuck them. I ended a 6-year relationship, because I was wholeheartedly game for almost anything my partner suggested, but my sexual requests were continually turned down. This lopsidedness became apparent in other areas of our relationship and it ended.

I'm not good at being alone and my new partner is a much better fit, in so many ways.

I think Nietzsche has an interesting opinion on this matter. In this aphorism Nietzsche says we should not retain relationships if time is due to move into different directions. Our evolution should be our greatest goal.

Star friendship.— We were friends and have become estranged. But this was right, and we do not want to conceal and obscure it from ourselves as if we had reason to feel ashamed. We are two ships each of which has its goal and course; our paths may cross and we may celebrate a feast together, as we did—and then the good ships rested so quietly in one harbor and one sunshine that it may have looked as if they had reached their goal and as if they had one goal. But then the almighty force of our tasks drove us apart again into different seas and sunny zones, and perhaps we shall never see one another again,—perhaps we shall meet again but fail to recognize each other: our exposure to different seas and suns has changed us! That we have to become estranged is the law above us: by the same token we should also become more venerable for each other! And thus the memory of our former friendship should become more sacred! There is probably a tremendous but invisible stellar orbit in which our very different ways and goals may be included as small parts of this path,—let us rise up to this thought! But our life is too short and our power of vision too small for us to be more than friends in the sense of this sublime possibility.— Let us then believe in our star friendship even if we should be compelled to be earth enemies.

The Gay Science §279

You've changed the rules of the relationship and the way things are. Not intentionally but you did it and that's going to be your biggest problem. This is no longer what he signed up for and even though there's no way he could be included since there really wasn't anything that could be discussed, it'd only be natural if he felt this was something that was done to him. The best y'all can do is sit down and decide if this new set of boundaries and rules is still satisfying enough to both of you to be worth adjusting to. If it isn't, better to find out sooner rather than later and having it be an open and mature discussion will cut down on hard feelings.

i honestly am in the best relationship right now. going on 3 years and loooving my man to death. we both are versatile, but mostly bottoms to boot! the only reasons why we wouldn't call ourselves tops is because 1) we take pleasure in each other's pleasure, 2) we are pretty sensitive down there and don't last more than 3 minutes of continuous topping. you think that would be bad, but it seriously leads to the most fun, passionate sex i have ever had. we take turns on top, switch positions, we get to see how we are pleasing each other as well as feeling that same pleasure we just gave! it's amaaazing... it's always fun and each experience varies in what we do. so... two bottoms = good. ;-)

This is why I do not date total tops or bottoms (they're just selfish). Your boyfriend should know there's nothing like a real fucking. Everyone needs a good pounding now and again. If you're boyfriend won't fuck you and you need to get fucked, you better figure out something because it's gonna happen or you're going to get bitter.

I really don't understand labels...I want to fuck just as hard as I wanna be fucked...I think you can't learn to become a good partner in one if you don't have interest in the other...and it's just boring picking a role for the rest of your life and sticking to it stubbornly and passionately...Isn't man sex made for variety?...just me?

rk,

I see so many gay people repeating the majority-over-minority morals that heterosexuals do on homosexuals. As a versatile, you are a member of the majority (roughly 80%). To the remainder, being top of bottom is not a matter of negotiation. If being just top or bottom is selfish, then you are assuming the other partner wants to play the opposite role too. But this is the case only for versatiles, which shows how biased is your statement.

If someone is 100% top of bottom, he's not turned on by the opposite role, and if he's not at all into it, why force him? There's plenty for everyone (at least where I live).

Now, concerning RJC's case:

Your case is over. You've lost your interest in being a top. Your boyfriend is a total bottom. If this is all true, then there is no salvation. I cannot accept the idea of non-spontaneous sex. Versatility should be consensual and spontaneous. By not doing the top role anymore, you are frustrating your partner and yourself, and there's nothing you can do now because you are both bottoms. People who are unsatisfied with sex in their relationships are more likely to cheat (this is valid for both of you). Better end it and remain friends before it gets worse.