QC DIY: Drop The Drama

We all know the type: over-dramatic, attention-hungry queens who worry over the littlest things, the most unlikely possibilities, and spazz out about the most ridiculously unimportant matters. The drama queen is almost a gay stock character. You probably know a few in your life, if you’re not one yourself.

Though some drama queens have anxiety issues, high sensitivity, and other insecurities like the rest of us, they’re different in that they selfishly try and control people and social situations through a victimized “woe is me” mentality and by holding others emotionally hostage (“If you cared about me, you would buy into my BS.”). Life’s too short, really to placate these sorts. However, some drama queens are really good people on the inside who either have a consistent flair for the over-dramatic or just need a little TLC to defuse them.

In her latest book, Don’t Call Me a Drama Queen, psychologist Dr. Debra Mandel (as she calls herself) introduces readers to the Drama Queen Syndrome and offers advice on how to live a happier, drama-free life. Here’s an interview with the good doctor in which she discusses the psychology of drama queens, its relateion to gay culture, and some pop-culture examples:

Dr. Debra, what should readers know about your new book?
What’s most important about “Don’t Call Me a Drama Queen” is that we’re talking about loveable drama queens. Not those Emotional Vampire types.

How do you spot an Emotional Vampire?
Emotional Vampires, in my opinion, are the ones that really suck you dry. They have no sense that what they’re doing is causing somebody else distress.
Drama queens are people who have a sense that what they’re doing is overreacting. They’ve been told that they make mountains out of molehills, and they’re tired of doing it, but they just don’t feel like there’s any other way to be.

Are there other types of emotional creatures? Is there such a thing as an Emotional Goblin? An Emotional Unicorn?

I would bet that there are.

Do you think gay men are more likely to be drama queens? Or is that just a stereotype?
I think that’s definitely a stereotype.
I see it across the board. I see it in lawyers and teachers and clerical workers and actors and artists. [I see it] in gays and straights, in white, in black, in every kind of package.
It really depends more on the person and how they learned to process information in the world.
The interview concludes, after the jump!

Are actual queens – like Queen Elizabeth or Queen Noor – more likely to be drama queens?
That would probably be more of a stereotype.
You can have people in power who are very subdued. Just look at the election that’s going on right now – look at the total difference in styles between the people who are in power.
Speaking of the current election, who do you think is a bigger drama queen: Obama or McCain?
Probably McCain.
If you gave a low-level drama queen who occasionally makes mountains out of molehills some advice, what would it be?
Just take a look at what your reactors are. What are the things that push your buttons?
Once you identify them, you make a choice internally and you say, “I could actually have a different reaction to this if I recognize where I have control and where I don’t.”
In your book you talk about “hugging [someone] with your words.” How does that work, exactly?
You can inflame a drama queen with your words, by saying things like, “What is WRONG with you?”
That does not help a drama queen. Instead what you say is, “Hey, what is your trigger? There’s gotta be something that you’re reacting to that I just can’t see.”
That would be a hug with words. That would be saying, “I care about you and I’m concerned about what’s going on with you internally.”
You make the distinction in your book between “survivors” (those who see the world as a competitive threat) and “thrivers” (those who see the world as an engaging challenge). Let’s name some celebrities and you tell me if they’re a “survivor” or a “thriver.”
Let’s give it a shot!
Britney Spears.
Oh, I’d say victim-survivor. I think maybe she’s headed in the direction of thriving. If she gets the good help that she needs she can get there.
Rudy Giuliani.
I would say that he poses as a thriver. I’m not so sure that he is.
Dora the Explorer.
I’m gonna guess that she’s a thriver.
What is the one thing that every drama queen should know?
Expectations are huge. If we can just get a handle on those, we won’t have that chronic sense of disappointment.
If you have a friend who you expect to be on time, who’s always late, what’s going to happen every time your friend’s late? You’re going to be disappointed and angry. Instead, understand that if you’re going to meet that friend for lunch, bring a book!

Anything else people should know about drama queens?
Everybody knows a drama queen in their life. It may be somebody you really adore and care about but you always feel like you’re sucked into some whirlwind of chaos with this person. It’s worth it, if this person is meaningful to you, to try to get a handle on this, so you can be a helpful part of his or her process in life.

Dr. Debra is a psychologist, relationship expert, author, columnist and speaker. Her new book, Don’t Call Me a Drama Queen, is now available in stores. Visit Dr. Debra, online.